First off, I want to welcome you to Writing.com! I hope you are enjoying your time on here so far! If you need help with anything, let me know.
Now moving to the review. I do want to say one thing before I go into more details and that is this. I see massive potential in your story, and I think it could develop into something great. I don't want you to be discouraged by the score and think I am bashing it. I want to help you improve your story and point out the issues that hold it back.
Now, the most notable thing I have noticed so far and the biggest issue is that you are telling the reader things, rather than showing them through actions. This was a major issue when I began to write, so don't get discouraged.
But to engage readers, you have to draw them in and actions speak louder than words.
Let me give you an example.
This is the first thing that the reader will see in your story.
"John Bulb is a smart young man, he is a freshmen and he has a dream to one day be an engineer just like his dad."
From that, the reader knows that John Bulb is a smart young man, he's a freshmen, and he hopes to one day be an engineer like his dad. The issue is that you present the information to the reader without any action or way to draw them into the story.
Now, let me give you an example of showing, rather than telling with the same information.
********
Sweat rolled down John Bulb's face as he leaned back in his chair. Finally done with my homework from Freshmen English. Tossing the pen on the desk, he breathed a sigh of relief as he closed his eyes. That should be all the homework for today Leaning forward, he shuffled the papers into a backpack. I'll proofread this later to ensure I get a good grade. I can't risk getting kicked off honor roll. It's a requirement to join the engineering club at school
Standing up, he grabbed a can of soda off the desk. Sipping from the soda, he grabbed an engineering book off a shelf. I'll have to study this some more. He felt an uneasiness grip him as he opened the book. I want to be an engineer just like my dad, but the things he says to me.... He lowered his head as the thoughts overtook him. What kind of man calls his own son a piece of crap?
*******
The same information about John is given to the reader with that example. From that, we can tell he's a freshman, he's a bright young man, and he wants to be like his father.
The key difference is that you draw the reader into the world and make them want to follow John's story. We see his thoughts, and how his father's words have hurt him emotionally. Rather then just giving off the information like an article, you are writing a living world that the reader wants to enter. You give some insight to John, his actions, the setting(him sweating for example shows that he's in a hot room either in the spring or summer), and that he's a bright young man since he's on the honor roll and intends to stay on.
The thought about being on honor roll also shows his interest in engineering, since he has to stay on to join a club at this school.
All of that was a raw example I wrote while doing this review, but I wanted to show an example which I hopefully made clear.
Moving to other aspects of your story, there are some issues that I noted.
"John your my son so i have the right to say this, your a piece of crap."
Two things jumped out at me with this sentence. Namely, you need to captalize "I" and you should have written "You're", rather than your.
" I know you make 4 grand a week"
In general, write out numbers like using "Four" rather then 4.
"Your mom hates you and that's why your last name is bulb and ours is Smith."
You missed capitalizing the "B" in Bulb.
********
Positives and Negatives
Positives
+This story has potential, and will be a great read once the issues are worked out
+I like the main character, and the overall idea of the story.
Negatives
-You need to show, rather than tell with your writing.
-There are some grammar and spelling issues that you should check for.
-This story has potential, but I felt like I was reading a rough draft that needed more work.
***********
Final Thoughts!
I don't want you to be discouraged by my review. Hopefully, this will help your improve and develop your story and your writing going forward. If you want any help, please feel free to contact me. You have a great idea, it just needs to be refined. Good luck, and Write on!
****************
 This has been a review on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army"  !! |
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
