This is cute and interesting. I like how you play with the proper grammar of a word to get your flow to stay equal but not lose your meaning. I read through twice more, carefully, and there is only part that confuses me: "WDC now I'm two". I am not sure of the meaning. At first I thought two years a part of the family, but your copy right is 2015 so that would be three? lol okay, also, "Where all the members 'intricate'", I am sure I get your meaning, it almost flubs me up each time, however, it captures my attention and I have found that I like the way that sounds more than my mind saying: halt, halt!
I didn't see any specific grammar errors other than your intended, or mechanical. Nice work.
Interesting. It flows well except for "with your last gasped choking breath, you beg the darkness to go away." The imagery is rich and evokes a cool vision of Halloween. But for me, that one line seems out of place. Maybe I am missing something in your meaning?
Overall, well written and imaginatively put.
Remember, always write from who you truly are whether fiction or non-fiction and be blessed!
Beautiful, careful imagery is through out your poem. I can see what is described in my minds eye and appreciate your images.
Your description of labor in the first stanza is real vivid and I like that.
There was one line of confusion for me, but upon reflection think I figured out what it means; at least to me. "like slender jewels from our dreams,". At first I didn't understand but I think it means the reflection of the sun and moon upon the waters shaped by fingers glitter like jewels that {the water itself} was dreamed of.
Even if I am wrong, I find it to be a beautiful way to describe the creation of The Finger Lakes.
Remember: Always write from who you are whether it be fiction or not-fiction and be blessed!
Your characters pain is shown really well. I could almost feel it. It was realistically written as well. My husband was in an accident that almost killed him; he was in ICU trauma for six weeks before we knew he had an actual chance and you conveyed in just a few words that fear, that pain in your description of how she felt and acted running into the emergency room.
I am a little confused as to the state of being of her husband that he had time to write a note and leave his ring? It makes me wonder, which is maybe your intent. Was it an accident? Or was it intentional. If so why? Hmmmm....maybe you could turn that into more.
Overall, the pain the wife felt is well written.
Keep writing from who you are whether fiction or non-fiction and be blessed!
Open, and sounds like maybe cathartic for you. I am left wondering how you, your brother, and your parents relationships are now? Did your brother feel he was favored over you and why? Have your parents realized the internal, emotional, and mental damage they caused you?
The "very special book" you read in college that brought you a "new sense of self awareness" is curious to me. It's okay that you didn't reveal it. Maybe in a future writing.
Your writing makes me interested in reading more about your life and how you are rising above.
Thank you for sharing and remember: Always write from who you truly are whether fiction or non-fiction.
Heart wrenching and incredibly sad and hopeless. If that is your intention: YOU DID IT!
This is definitely deep in meaning with many ways a reader (listener) can apply to their own life. The message to me is that the subject is wounded, conflicted, and searching for a reason to be, to live. As such, he questions his very existence while at the same time lives to throw it away which leaves him hollow, empty, and hopeless, and coldly alone.
Should that be what you were going for: great job, if not, then, I am lost.
Using a butterfly and it's wings shows fragility of life, which I agree with totally.
I can't say I love this, because I prefer positive, however, even I have been in the position here down to contemplating suicide. In that respect, though a little difficult to understand at first read: you shine. For the simple reason I can take these lyrics and apply to a once horribly sad person in myself I believe you have created the ugly that comes upon some in a very real way with your words.
Having not read the first poem to compare I am of the opinion this one is great. The atmosphere is easily entered into and the apprehension of the moment due to the confusion of what is real or not is "fearfully" and wonderfully executed. Not knowing the end result adds dimension and leaves the reader to draw their own conclusion. Although I am partial to end results the fact their isn't one definitely leaves a lasting impression of this written work.
The beginning of your piece is a wonderful, quiet stroll through the heart and mind of someone who has lost a loved one who brought meaning and purpose to them.
Your transitions from one part to the next are gently guiding so that I felt as I myself were in a fog while reading. Most importantly to me, I could see the entire scape and envision the persons as I read which means I was completely drawn in. I absolutely LOVE that when I read a story.
The only error that I saw was the word "questions" which I believe should be "question", singular.
Keep writing from your heart for that is always the best "write"!
This story seems real. I really do not know what to say except that for a sad story it kept my attention to the very end. This is NOT the kind of story I usually read. But, props!
I did not see any errors of any kind. I find myself wanting to read a part two where your character finds his grandmothers marker.
Great work!
Keep writing from who you are for that is always the best write!
Funny, silly, a twist that I almost saw coming. Have to be honest, I just wasn't sure.
I didn't see any errors at all.
Your story is a breeze to read and it made me smile with a giggle! What more can be said!
Merry Christmas!
Keep writing from who you are for that is always the best write!
First I'd like you to know that I, too, am a new writer. My intent in reviewing is to encourage by pointing out what I like and to help by pointing out what may need some work. Please do not talk any offense as none is ever intended!
This appears to be a deeply, heartfelt essay on a persons inner thoughts, feelings, burdens, fears and then the casting of all onto God. I understand what the intent is here, but would like to have seen the fruit of God's grace as it displayed itself in the person.
Still, thought provoking, and feelings of darkness and despair do dissipate with the dawn of the new day and the "choice" of the person to lay their cares at the feet of God and "thank Him". That contrast is shown real well. Good Work!
Keep Writing from Who You are for that is Always the Best Write!
First I'd like you to know that I, too, am a new writer. My intent in reviewing is to encourage by pointing out what I like and to help by pointing out what may need some work. Please do not talk any offense as none is ever intended!
}Welcome to Writing.com.
Your story has a real interesting and promising premise. Since you allude to six teenagers and only two are actually introduced, I am assuming you will be ongoing with this story. I look forward to reading more.
There are grammar and sentence structure issues you will want to correct as you revise. As it is obviously a rough draft you are just starting I won't point out those issues at this time. ((I would like to say that when you do write more, you may want to go back and reread and revise what you have written and you may correct errors I have spotted yourself that way. )
The important thing is YOU ARE WRITING! If you would like me to review more as you add to this story please email me.
Keep Writing from Who You are for that is Always The Best Write!
I am an amateur writer and an avid suspense/mystery reader. My intent in this review is to help and encourage you as well as me. Please do not take any critique or suggestions offensively, they are not meant that way.
Happy Autumn!
I really like the way this poem starts. It is intriguing. The first two paragraphs get my inner senses going. I get somewhat lost in the middle of the third paragraph, but after reflection believe I understand your intent. ie: Smell of flowers on my coat,
I left them there to stay- With you or where they thought you were.this line confuses me
But now you’re here with me.
I do think you could strengthen the fourth paragraph with more descriptive words to convey your meaning.
Also, I noticed that one line starts: Summertime
and another: Summer time
I am assuming this is an error?
I find it morbidly delightful that your main character is "digging up" himself a family, so to speak, or is write? lol. Great job!
Keep writing from who you are for that is the best write!
Interesting story. Loved the ending, I did see it coming, but, I did not see that "The Dying One" was actually the "Raging One". Great! I love to follow a story and come close to figuring it out but then be surprised.
I believe this is really well written. Easy to read and understand.
I know I do not know you, but, I am inspired by, and proud of YOU!
Two reasons I do reviews are:
1.) To encourage and/or help you in your writing
2.) To learn from your writing
I see from your writing, just as from James Patterson's, one of my favorite authors, that less words, simple sentences, get the story across! Thank You!
Premise
Being a christian, I was interested in your thoughts on what love creates. I believe this is a great premise, with lots of room to explore and develop in poems, short stories, novels, or whatever else you may choose over the essay you have here.
Protagonist
The hero/heroine to me is "love", for you are indicating its capabilities as the main thrust of your essay. (Namely: creating)
Grammar/Punctuation
The proper wording in sentences is important for they convey the context and or idea you are trying to assert.
There seems to be so many questions that are then answered that instead of being able to picture the "creations" of "Love", I get lost and feel confusion. I really believe that you are trying to "showcase" love in the creation of all things, but it comes across "shadowed" and "chaotic" to me.
Overall, I love the idea, and think you could enchant me and others with the "less is more" write and be more specific in showing the creations of love upfront without so many leading questions.
I may not understand your purpose in the way you wrote, if so, I apologize, but, I really do think you can hone this and it would reach many readers and actually speak to their hearts.
Remember: Write from WHO you are for that is always the BEST write!
I am new to Writing.com, too. Please know that as I review it is for two reasons:
1.)To encourage and help you as best I can
2.)To learn from you as I read and review your work
Premise
Your lead getting herself lost and ending in what appears to be a fantasy land is interesting. I am curious to see where you take this approach. I liked the humor added in.
Protagonist
The story starts out with a "dress" being shredded, indicating a female lead character, then stating "my girlfriend..." indicating either a female or male. In the ending of the chapter the protagonist thinks a boy is cute, again indicating male or female. Which? lol Maybe we are not meant to know? But, darn, I am curious to which sex is this character, or am I that tired? lol
Setting
I like the setting. Always up for a forest, woods adventure!
Grammar/Punctuation
There are some issues here that when you revise you might want to correct so that your story will flow better for you as well as your readers.
EX:
"The bed I was laying had", this phrase is incomplete--possibly it is saying: The bed I was laying on?
"It was the most elegant room I have", this sentence is in the past tense (was), dropping "was" and adding "is", or "It's" will correct your tense to the "present" as that's what it is for your characters.
There are others, but I am sure you will see them as you revise.
Overall View
The chapter is wordy. There are many words, phrases, and descriptions that could be shortened or deleted without hurting the story and making easier to read.
Overall, I like the beginning. You have captured my interest and I do believe you can develop this into an intriguing story!
Remember: Write from WHO you are for that is always the BEST write!
Hi! Sorry, this took so long for me to get to. As before, I am really liking the story you are putting together.
I love the dark, smart-alec humor from Farook and how it appears that he is not in the least concerned with his friends position, yet, from the previous chapter I know that he is. What a character! Did you happen to enter him in the October "What a Character" contest?
Again, I noticed quite a few grammar and punctuation error, which I believe you are not worrying about right now. When you get ready to revise and script tighter that is an area you'll probably want to really be careful with so you do not lose the flavor of your story.
I love it! PS the 3.5 is because of the gram/punc issue-not the storyline.
Interesting. Was a little confused, but then got that "Coach Harris" was probably a thorn in the little boys side, while a rose in the mom's (I think?)
Liked, even though somewhat macabre, was humorous that the little boy poked the dead man's nose, as if to say, "Whatcha gonna do about it?"
This line seems to be missing part of the thought intended. Other than that, for a quick write, real good.
Keep writing from WHOyou are as that is where the best writing comes from!
I hear so much in your poem, pleas, questions, description of part of you, and hurt.
I see your intention as trying to get the attention of someone you care about to accept you before the relationship is ruined. In that vein, it is as you have written a letter and spelled out the issues in your heart and mind.
The flow is not easy but the break down of each idea you convey makes understanding easy.
I do not see any spelling or grammar errors.
I thank you for putting your "heart on page", and truly hope it is cathartic for you.
My personal opinion in reviewing this as a poem is maybe more gentle references in the main body to help the flow yet keep your intended points.
ex: talks, smiles, hugs
these things I love
disrespecting who I am
I hate, where's my relief?
Why can't you accept me for me?
Of course, we know that poetry written from the heart is subjective to the reader/hearer, so if being blunt and straight forward is YOUR style, then awesome!
Sometimes reviews can be difficult in the sense you are not sure where the writer is coming from when thoughts are written.
Keep writing from who YOU are for that is the best any of us can do!
Hello. In honor of honesty it is important for you to know this is my first review, ever! So...please forgive my "newbieness". ;)
You have an interesting storyline going on here that appears will be rather complex.
I believe to have more impact there could be less detail in each paragraph. For me as a reader too much detail loses my attention from where the storyline is heading and what the action is.
Should you choose to revisit your story with that in mind ask yourself: What can I cut, rearrange, move elsewhere (if I really want to keep it in the story) that will not be missed, take away from my intent?
To paraphrase a quote of another writer: get an idea, start with action, always action in the detail. This will help keep interest in the story.
I really like the "strange" names you have come up with for the different types of characters and their given names. Also, Shella commenting on Claradina's form of dress pulled in from another scene brought in some humor that I enjoyed, and the intrigue introduced by the male su" hora introducing a "live" conflict was perfect at that point. Then, of course the Mind scene at the end truly got me excited wondering: And just what is the Mind trying to hide? I love suspense! lol
In recap: an interesting storyline hidden with too much detailed description in most paragraphs, a hint of humor to lighten the setting, and conflict with suspense introduced. I'd say that's pretty good!
As I have often read, write, no matter what you put on paper, just write. Wait a minute, get a second look, then go back and revise.
I am interested in where you go with this story and wish you all the best! :)
I am new and do not have gift points, but if I did I would send you some!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sunshyne123
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 5:32pm on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Firefly
First I'd like you to know that I, too, am a new writer. My intent in reviewing is to encourage by pointing out what I like and to help by pointing out what may need some work. Please do not talk any offense as none is ever intended!
I understand what the intent is here, but would like to have seen the fruit of God's grace as it displayed itself in the person.
}
)
