Please don't be discouraged by the low rating - there are some good things here - but it really needs some work, too.
Below you will find quotes from your story - each one will be followed by a comment/suggestion in (). I leave what I really liked to the last so we finish on a happy note.
“Guards!” Sieze her now, and find the whelp!”
(I don't think you need the " after Guards. In many area of the story the punctuation was incorrect and it is very distracting to the reader. If this is a rough draft you may want to say so in the description - otherwise readers expect you to have corrected these kinds of mistakes. I am not great at punctuation or grammar either - I have books that I refer to for almost everything I write. Go to the library and check out some books on editing, writing, etc. - ask the librarian or a teacher to recommend some - my son's teacher gave me some great ideas for reference books. After you have found a few that you like and feel comfortable using, I suggest you buy them so you have them all the time. I wouldn't go to a book store until you have tried them first or you will spend money on something you may decide later just doesn't fit your style - there are so many choices out there. This is experience talking - :) - Print this story out and have someone with grammar know-how go over it to quickly fix it this time. And don't worry too much - the mechanics of writing can be fixed.)
fielahmohran, leinan and leathern ghillian.
(while I love the exotic feel of strange words that are unique to the story, as a reader I also want to know what they mean. If you are going to add these kinds of words - real or made up - you need to give the reader some sort of reference to figure it out. Otherwise, it is distracting and frustrating. I almost stopped reading because of the punctuation and unfamiliar words that weren't explained. Some writers include a glossary and/or footnotes to explain unknown words. This is acceptable - but keep in mind there will be some readers that won't think it is worth the effort to keep looking up the words to get the meaning. It does ruin the flow a bit. The best way is to only use strange words sparingly and only when it is easy to insert an explanation for the reader. You need to be careful that it seems natural and not stiff or the flow will be lost again.)
Judging by the size of the Great Hall back home, I'd say this hall is nearly sixty-five feet long and thirty-five feet wide, nearly as large as a ship! Aeva decided in her mind as she continued to survey the hall.
(When the story is in third person but then you jump to first person - even when it is "in her mind" - it is jarring to the reader. You don't need the word 'I'd' here for it to make sense. Nor do you need the judging by the hall back home unless you are going to compare them - with what you have here, the reader is left wondering if the hall back home is bigger or smaller. It is a great way to describe the hall by having her looking around - you just need to look at this again and figure out a better way to do it - telling the size in feet is a little technical - comparing it to the hall back home is a good idea - or even a comparison between now and when she last stood there would be good - 8 year old eyes see things differently than 17 year old eyes.)
“I knew this day would come. I told Bebhinn so when she told Iain and myself of her
(Well, this proves that the font is important - in your story Iain looks like lain - and I couldn't figure out what or who you were talking about - might be better to say: when she told our brother, Iain, and myself of her pregnancy. This leaves no doubt for the reader.)
(the following paragraphs are here because you appear to have changed your mind about what to write but forgot to edit out the parts you wanted to change.)
“ Because after a while, mother couldn't stand to be around him, Aeva. It started when you began beating him at the sword and crossbow, remember? He seemed to go cold, distancing himself from us. After some time, she just stopped reaching out to him, as did I. He seemed all too content with father's attentions anyway. The both of them are so much alike, cold-hearted and cruel,” Torcan replied, frowning as he remembered the past. Conchobhar nodded at this, and his moustache drooped as he frowned.
“I rue the day that I asked Iain to marry off Bebhinn to Earnan. But at the time, it seemed the best thing to do, and as I recall, yer mother seemed to fancy the idea of being his Queen. Funny, to think that she might have actually loved the man at one time. Damn-aigh, I'm sorry, lass,” Conchobhar whispered, reaching forward and patting her hand. Aeva shook her head in response and suddenly got to her feet.
“There is naught to be sorry for, Creann Conchobhar. My uncle and you did as you thought best, and I do not hold it against either of you. Wouldn't do any good now, would it? All I ask is that we be allowed to stay here until we figure out where to go from here.”
(here is the repeated part)
“ Because mother couldn't stand him, Aeva, ” her brother replied. ” It started when you began beating him at the sword and crossbow, remember? It seemed he was always cold, no matter what we said or did, so soon mother and I just left him alone. He seemed all too content with father's attentions anyway, like father, like son, both of them cold-hearted and cruel. “
Conchobhar nodded at this. His moustache drooped as he frowned, and he scratched the heavy beard on his chin.
“ Aeva, I regret that yer mother married Earnan. But there was naught else to do, after their father, Deanach, died. And, at the time, I needed peace with Earnan. Damnaigh, I'm sorry, girl, “ he whispered, reaching forward and patting Aeva's hand.
Aeva shook her head in response and she got to her feet.
“ There is naught to be sorry for, Creann Conchobhar. You did as you thought best and I do not hold it against you. I only ask that we be allowed to stay until we figure out where to go from here. “
Conchobhar looked up at her and smiled, his eyes twinkling at her determination.
(in the first version it appears that Creann, Iain, and her mother are related - this seems to fit better as to why the kids would go to him - it also gives more reason as to why he would kill the guards if he was protecting his kin - otherwise that was pretty drastic without some supporting reason. The second version will raise more questions with the reader and you will need to add something to explain things better.)
These examples are just some of the things that need work - but don't fret - there are good things here, also. Your descriptions are really nice -
The silver face of Merydwen was just beginning to peek over the tops of the trees, casting the forest's shadows in long lines across the jutting granite.
( I liked this)
An earthquake had shook the land of Agriemeth two ages ago, when their mother was a child, and that is when the sprawling stone forest was born, erupting from the loam like bones beneath the skin of the ground.
(I really liked this - the image of erupting like bones beneath the skin is really nice - an unusual choice of words that made me really see the landscape.)
You have a great start on the characters - they are likable and a reader can relate to not feeling accepted by a parent (or step-parent). You have good conflict right at the beginning that draws a reader in. I really want to know what will happen - you have hinted at other conflicts - does she really have elf blood? Where is the real father? Is there some other reason other that stung pride motivating the King? Work on the things mentioned above and you could have something really good here. I hope you keep going with this - I will be interested in reading more.
Write on!
Sunshine :)
 
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