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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sunset-phoenix
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28 Public Reviews Given
29 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of All Wrapped Up  Open in new Window.
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is done on behalf of "The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" Open in new Window. as part of "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window. for House Targaryen.


Plot:

This is a sweet, light hearted little tale. It tells a whole event, so the structure of a short story is there, despite the shortness of the piece. I like the detail you go into with the characters’ daily lives. It feels very grounded, no doubt because this is based on a real event.

I think the overall content and structure works well. You have the right amount of scene building and description versus action and, I think, it feels a well-balanced piece. When writing scenes from their own lives, people quite often fall into the trap of not establishing a story properly as they lived it and know the context and background and so sometimes forget that the reader will not know, so I congratulate you on avoiding this and writing a well structure piece.

Characters:

I think the characters were as well established as they can be in a piece of this length. I like that the cat had a character as well as the main character and her sister.

Grammar/Spelling:

This, is I’m sure you’re aware is where the piece falls down. There are a lot of quite serious grammar issues throughout the piece which, unfortunately, affects the readability.

Here are a few examples:

She woke up, went down her stairs, and laid down on a couch and watch TV until her Mother provided breakfast

Above should be either:

Laid down on the and watched TV.

Or:

Laid down on a couch to watch TV.

Halo jumped up and joined her of course purring like they had for the two years they've had their cat.

The above is very confusing. The they in “purring like they had” does not make sense if you are referencing the cat unless Sophia is purring too which I think unlikely. Also the “they’ve” should be "they'd".

I would suggest writing the sentence as follows:

Halo jumped up and joined her, purring, as usual.

I don’t think it’s really necessary to know the exact amount of time the cat had been with them. So I’ve cut it out.

"Sophie, come see Laugh-Attack is trapped!" Her face was bright read in laughter.

First, the dialogue should be two separate lines:

"Sophie, come see. Laugh-Attack is trapped!"

Second, in the last sentence it should be “red” not “read”.

Sophia whipped around her blond ponytail and fixed her green eyes on the tumbling blanket on the blue couch near our back door.

The first part of the sentence does not work. The subject matter is off as, I think, you are trying to say that Sophia whipped her head around and her ponytail spun out, but the only action we are getting is the movement of the ponytail separate to her head. It will need to be restructured. Also you use “our back door” when you have written this in third person. “Our” is first person or third person dialogue, unless you have a narrator and the door belongs to them. But that isn’t quite how this is structured so it should be “her back door” or “the back door.”

Anyway, I would suggest writing it as follows:

Sophia spun around, her blond ponytail whipping out, and fixed her green eyes on the tumbling blanket on the couch, near the back door.}

Finally, the poor Halo got out and stared at her eyes wide in terror and ran straight upstairs.

I would take out “the”. You also need commas around “eyes wide in terror” as without one at the start it makes Sophia’s eyes wide with terror not the cats.

Finally, poor Halo got out and stared at her, eyes wide in terror, and then ran straight upstairs.


Flow/pacing:

I think the pace is good. However, the flow is currently severely hampered by the grammar issues which I think is a shame. With a little polish this will be a good piece of flash fiction.

Overall:

Despite the issues, I enjoyed this piece. I think other than the grammar issues it is well structured and arrange with good balance and tells a simple but amusing plot. Good job on this so far and I hope my suggestions help you polish up nicely. Keep it up.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of A musician's life  Open in new Window.
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is done on behalf of "The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" Open in new Window. as part of "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window. for House Targaryen.


Plot/structure:

I would call this less a short story and more a scene as while a problem is introduced in the piece, of the main character's unhappy marriage with a demon, there is no real resolution to fulfill the structure of introduction/build up/ conclusion. What you really have here is more the start of a longer work. It introduces the characters and the problem well but fails to bring it to a close at the end.

Characters:

It's a short piece, so deep character development is not really possible. However, I found the demon a little too generic. I would have liked to see more demonic behaviour and attitude from her rather than just screeching and arguing like a generic unhappy spouse. I think there is potential here to really explore the union of a human and a demon, in grounded practical terms, instead of the fantasy Twilight angle. I would have like to get a real feel of their relationship and more realisation into what went wrong. For an example it would be quite an embarrassment if someone walked in while he was consummating the relationship with his wife, if no one else could see her. That would look quite peculiar and seeing as you have listed this as a comedy, which I'm not quite getting at the moment, it would give it more humour.

Grammar/Spelling:

The spelling seems fine and my only real grammar issue is your use of () one sentence and then - - the next, which both do the same job. You need to choose one or the other and stick to it. I would go for - - as () say to me non-fiction but that is just my personal opinion.

There are also a few issues with your punctuation; mainly comma usage:

I was a millionaire who loved playing the violin and I finally found the Holy Grail of my art.

You need a comma before "and" as it joins two sentences together.

I used to travel the world, meet beautiful women and – in short, have a perfect life.

Either you need a - on either side or a comma on either side. You can't have one mixed with the other.

Flow/pacing:

You sentences are generally well structured and flow well. The punctuation mistakes did disrupt this, at times, but I still found the piece easy to read. I think the pacing of what is there works quite well. The paragraph of told description at the beginning stood out, for me, considering the length of the piece. I would look at it and see if you can show it instead.

Overall:

I like the idea of the musician married to a demon and now regretting it. I think the piece can go a lot deeper. The dialogue, to me, comes across as a little generic. I think you can add more personality into both characters and give more details into the transition of the relationship going wrong, even considering the short word count. However, it is an enjoyable little read, even if I wouldn't class it as a short story, as such.

I hope you find my comments useful.

Keep writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Oblivion John  Open in new Window.
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You're right, this story definately deserved to be finished and I'm really glad you did. It is a really strange mix of Indiana Jones and World of Warcraft, but I can't say it doesn't work. It felt very 1930s, inkeeping with the Indiana Jones type theme.

I think your characters are well realised. Your Mr. John was very much like Indiana Jones, perhaps, a little too much, for me. I think a few quirks to his personality would leave him feeling less of a clone. Perhaps, just a little something to fit him in with the fantasy elements. I also feel a little more could be added to Rosseta's character, as she was left feeling a little flat as a typical damsel in distress, in places. Your villan was very villan like and filled his role well.

When it comes to techicalities, your punctuation was strangely perfect in places and off in others, but it was decently readable so that doesn't particularly bother me. Your sentance formation could be less passive in places to get things moving faster, particularly near the start, as it does have a heavy build up.

I would possible relook at your opening paragraph from a puntuation point of view as there are a few places where you use commas instead of a fullstop which results in a monster sentance:

"Now remember class, I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Just because school is over in four days does not mean you are at liberty to misplace assignments, cut class, and only fill out your papers with doodle-drawings--as well done and amusing as some of them may be-- in fact, this is probably the most important time to stay on task. I would hate for you to start off the summer by getting grounded because you went home with a poor report card, and I would rather not spend my first week of summer answering phone calls from angry mothers asking why their B-average students failed History class and have to tell them that its because every answer on the final was filled out as 'that's what she said'."

I would change it to the following:

"Now remember class. I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Just because school is over in four days does not mean you are at liberty to misplace assignments, cut class, and only fill out your papers with doodle-drawings--as well done and amusing as some of them may be. In fact, this is probably the most important time to stay on task. I would hate for you to start off the summer by getting grounded because you went home with a poor report card, and I would rather not spend my first week of summer answering phone calls from angry mothers asking why their B-average students failed History class and have to tell them that its because every answer on the final was filled out as 'that's what she said'."

It's only a few small changes but it does make it a little less of a mouthfull.

Anyway, I enjoyed your story greatly. I think it is a very good piece, so good job. The tone was good, the mood was right and the characters did a good job of carrying the plot and the plot did a good job of carrying the action, so, overall, it was quite a nicely balanced piece. The suggestions above are just a personal suggestion. Keep it up.

Midnight Flame, proud member of the CSFS "The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" Open in new Window.


4
4
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really like the plot and characters of your story and the way events progress and truths are gradually revealed and expanded on. For me, however, telling the story through letters took away from the immediacy of the story. It left me feeling more distanced than had it been done in a more conventional format. I understand and recognise the uniqueness of structuring your story this way, but I do still feel it loses something, pace and flow, in being done this way.

However, the story itself is well done. The characters are well developed, even the mute uncle through hints in his replies and past actions. The humour was witty which I liked very much and I did develop an empathy for the main character as all his efforts were thwarted by bad luck/ the devil. I liked the conclusion which was well thought out and an apt end to the story.

Oh and one small mistake I found. You spelt lightning, lightening (as in to brighten). Easy mistake to make.

So, all in all, a good piece which I liked. Good job. Keep it up.


This review is part of the Review Raid 4 U as part of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society.

The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society Open in new Window. (E)
The best fantasy writing group ever! We won Best Fantasy 2012! CLOSED TO NEW APPLICANTS
#1693553 by Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC Author IconMail Icon
5
5
Review of The Forgotten  Open in new Window.
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a good piece. You have an interesting plot forming here and the world and the situation of the main character is related in a vivid and believable way. The only major suggestion I have is that you description and dialogue is a bit blocky in places. You could do with merging the two elements a little more. But other than that I think this is a very good piece, and I would happily read more. So keep it up.


This review is done as part of the CSFS Anniversary Review Raid

The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society Open in new Window. (E)
The best fantasy writing group ever! We won Best Fantasy 2012! CLOSED TO NEW APPLICANTS
#1693553 by Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC Author IconMail Icon
6
6
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very touching piece both heart warming and saddening. If writing was invented to share and communicate emotion then this piece is a very good example of its effectiveness. There are some very lovely poetic lines in it and some wonderful imagery.

I did find three very small mistakes and while I probably should have dropped the rating to a 4.5 I really couldn't bring myself to be that petty. I mean had there been a plot hole or some structural issue, I would have, but the piece in all other areas was very well done and typos are extraordinarily easy to fix.

Anyway here is the list of small mistakes I found:


"amplifying it a millions times"

Millions = Million

"their pedals are soft as silk"

Pedals = Petals

"I will place then upon her grave"

Then = Them

Again a very nice piece and I really enjoyed reading it, so keep it up.
7
7
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I really like the ending of this piece and its predetorial nature. If you were to choose this piece, then you could ramp up the tension easily by describing the vampire-like creature hunting her prey before pouncing, maybe even in a cat and mouse style way. But considering the closeness of the deadline it really depends on how much time you have to spare, and I feel your "Souls to take" story has a more original plot line.

Still a very good piece though and I enjoyed it greatly.
8
8
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Perhaps i'm just being dumb but the meaning of this sentence confuses me, perhaps restructure it slightly?:

"The Rune Stone was the symbol and the vessel of all the Magic which was, in the Little Faery World"

Speech should always start on a new line:

She knew where to find him, down by the river bowling with his 'lads' of course. Sure enough, when she arrived face red and eyes swollen, molly could see Pol was laughing and bowling having a high old time. "Well, where have you been," she yelled at Pol, her eyes afire but her voice breaking like the frightened young girl she was." Here and I've been through every misery, threatened by the Druid himself, and stole the Runestone, and ‘or else’, and here you are just having a fine day. What have you to say for yourself?"

Should be:

She knew where to find him, down by the river bowling with his 'lads' of course. Sure enough, when she arrived face red and eyes swollen, molly could see Pol was laughing and bowling having a high old time.

"Well, where have you been," she yelled at Pol, her eyes afire but her voice breaking like the frightened young girl she was. "Here and I've been through every misery, threatened by the Druid himself, and stole the Runestone, and ‘or else’, and here you are just having a fine day. What have you to say for yourself?"

It's a relatively small thing, so I'll ignore it with the rating and take it as having already been done (Now I have checked the whole script, this has been done a few times. I still won't mark you down for it, just be aware the same change needs to be made in a few more paragraphs).

You're still forgetting to put in the second set of speech marks in places too:

“Okay, Pol told him, a little shaky himself, I have some idea, but I really don't have it all figured out.”

should be:

“Okay," Pol told him, a little shaky himself. "I have some idea, but I really don't have it all figured out.”

Again small thing, but as it has been done more than once in the piece. I'll have to mark you down half a star for that, making it a 4. Change all instances of it and I'll raise it for you.

This is a vaste improvement from before. It reads so much easier with the changes you've made, however, there are still more to be done.

Looking at the number of ratings you've had, it looks to me that two other people have reviewed this piece as well. I would suggest making the changes I highlighted, and then emailing all three reviewers with a polite notice, that you have actioned a large number of changes, and invite them to rereview your piece. Most reviewers on WDC are kind souls, and if they have time would likely be more than happy to rerate and rereview your piece, and possibly give you further ways it can be enhanced.

Again very good job with the edit, and keep writing!
9
9
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to Welcome you!

I have to confess the violence at the end was a real surprise, before that it felt like something out of a Tolkin fashioned childrens novel(not a bad thing, certainly).
It was very hard reading, which is a pity, as the plot is quite good and characters have a childlike charm to them. The grammer and particularly punctuation needs some work. It really is just as simple though, as looking at other peoples work and seeing the structure they use, particularly when it comes to speech. It is very hard to see where the characters speech ends and the description begins, which made me have to re read sections several times, which in itself makes it hard to keep the flow of the story.

You really need to settle on a content rating or, if I remember right, it will not be viewable on the public listing, which I think would be shame. Good piece and write on!


The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society Open in new Window. (E)
The best fantasy writing group ever! We won Best Fantasy 2012! CLOSED TO NEW APPLICANTS
#1693553 by Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC Author IconMail Icon
10
10
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow very good, and very norse like. Your description is extremely vivid and detailed, really giving a feeling of placement and history. And your characters show lots of emotional depth and have a real sense of past. I very much enjoyed reading this piece. To be picky it could be smoothed out in places. For example:

"She surveyed the world around her, and her face distorted in rage at what she saw"

Would flow better as:

"She surveyed the world around her, her face distorting in rage at what she saw."

However, it was an extremely enjoyable piece to read and you've done really well with it. Good job.
11
11
Review of Bonded  Open in new Window.
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very interesting start. There are a fair few mistakes dotted around, however. Nothing a quick edit couldn't fix. The characters come across well, and are very emotionally charged. I'm intrigued as to where the story goes next. Overall a good piece and with a bit of polish, i'm sure it will gleam. Good job. Keep writing.
12
12
Review by Midnight Flame Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very good. I can find only a couple of small mistakes one is you should use lying back down not laying as laying is for inanimate objects and quite I believe should be quiet, an easy typo to fix.

I like the way you have shown the changes to characters in the three years between the two chapters, it was very subtly yet informatively done.

Grammer wise it seems fine to me. It could be tightened a lot as there are quite a few unnecessary words in there. I found the characters were well individualised and showed a real sense of past due to the trauma suffered during the first chapter. Very well done. Keep writing.
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