The following is just my opinion. Hope I could help...
First Impressions:
I was immediately drawn to the first line: “Come on. I want to show you something.” From there, I'm wondering what it is he wants to show her.
Grammar and Spelling:
I found no errors.
Character:
Through the background, I was told a bit about Nate. He's on the varsity football team, going to Standford on a full scholarship which shows he's capable, smart, and no doubt popular. Also, he's adventurous because he's always taking Kelly into the woods to show her things. I knew a bit less about Kelly other than she was his girlfriend.
Comments/Suggestions:
I'm not sure I wold start out showing the background and history between them. I think this is important to have in the story but probably not at the beginning. If there's any way to pepper it into the rest of the story, that would be better.
I enjoyed how you created suspense by having Nate lead Kelly through the woods into the cave.
Kelly was creeped out, but couldn’t help leaning forward to get a better looked. Here, I believe the reader would be able to relate more if you showed her fear (heartrate pulsing, chills up her spine, ect.)
Setting:
I enjoyed your description of the cave. Maybe you could add more concrete details to really put the reader in the scene. For example, the feel of the forest under her feet, the stench of the cave and the people inside the pods.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this. It really was a twist at the end!
First Impressions:
I have to admit, I didn't even look at the tite before I began reading but I did see it after the fact. It's very appropriate for the story and comical. I was originally pulled in by the dialogue between the two characters. They seemed very casual but I knew there was something wrong so I wanted to read on to figure out what it was.
Grammar and Spelling:
There weren't many grammar mistakes but I did noticed there were some extra commas. For example:
Well," Bill said, "it was almost nine when I got home, (no comma) and there was a thawed,(no comma) but uncooked,(no comma)TV dinner waiting on my placemat.
Also, it may just be me but I'm not sure there should be a comma before every 'but.' Again, this may just be my thinking.
Character/Dialogue:
I enjoyed the characters reactions. The dialogue was natural and conversational but still moved the story forward. I liked how you told the story using Bill's own voice. Flawless!
Setting:
I'm guessing the setting was at a coffee shop but I'm not sure. Given the story, I don't think the setting was that important. I followed the story just fine without it. However, if you wanted to have a setting you could add in a few more hints. No big deal.
Overall:
I ejoyed reading this. It was funny and so true! Great job :)
First Impressions:
The first few lines enticed me to keep reading. I thought the imagery was beautiful. The first two lines will remain my favorite.
Pace:
The pace was flawless. It was easy to follow.
Word Choice:
Your word choice really brought out the message you were trying to convey. There were no unnecessary words.
Every minute a life awakens
breathing in the sweet illusion
of a future to come
and cozy dreaming begins.
Every minute plays a song
that no one knows the words
empty breaths embrace within
You used words like 'embrace' and 'awakens' and 'breathing' that really spark emotion into the reader.
Imagery:
Again, the imagery was wonderful. Two of the best demonstrations of this come from these lines: flooding from a valley of tears.
the shimmering dew of dawn
Overall:
Nive poem! I hope to hear more from you soon.
A thoughtful poem about discovering one's self again in something they love. Inspiring. Nicely done. I could tell it was from the heart.
Favorite lines: My troubles fall away,
Like leaves from a tree.
The idea for this story seems very interesting. The idea of an Intergalactic War is intriguing. I liked the characters in this. They seemed really interesting and really helped move the plot along. The idea of her having to shoot is interesting.That said, I felt as if the synopsis was a bit short and maybe not necessary in the long run. It could also be more suspenseful. The first sentence was a bit long to have a true dramatic affect although the idea of being told to shoot when faced with a bunch of armed people is thrilling. I thought the first chapter also could be longer. It was great to learn the background of the story about the planet they lived on but I would caution against giving too much background information that early in the story. you want to hook the reader from the very beginning.
Hi, thanks for the tips! They were very helpful and I liked how you sited examples for us to look into.
I've just looked back over my novel which I'm planning on finishing this summer and I noticed that it's just way too long for a single young adult novel. Because of this, I'm going to split it into 2 books. I've never done this before. I barely know how to write one novel let alone two so this is pretty nerve wracking. Do you have any advice on making a book a series for a first time novelist?
First Impressions:
I read the small description of the story and immediately was drawn in. Very interesting...as for the title, I wasn't sure what was in store but I wanted to find out!
Grammar and Spelling:
Found no errors here.
Character/Dialogue:
I liked the character's reactions to this, especially Theresa. She seemed so giddy to discover this and it was very realistic.
The dialogue was realistic as well as the character's personalities.
weaving a city out of sunlight; impossible Nice expression! It really stood out and I love the use of the word 'weaving'
Comments/Suggestions: The Gamma Colony University Scientific Expedition Department
"Gamma Colony" is a fascinating name however, it may be easier on the eyes if you shortened this university expedition title somehow. But again, that's your decision.
Her jaw hung slack when her probe squeaked, and a plethora of information flashed on the fluorescent screen. The title made her want to drop the device in sheer astonishment.
She scrolled through the data, her hands trembling.
I would combine this all into one small paragraph.
"...ran her hands over the walls. The walls were cool..." Instead of repeating 'The walls' so close together, I believe it would flow a bit better if you simply say "...ran her hands over the walls. They were cool..."
She scratched experimentally at the wall. She took out a small scalpel and switched it on. She trained the laser against the Auronium.
Maybe you can vary this sentence. You could say "Scratching experimentally at the walls, she..."
A screech caused both of them to jerk their heads. Felicia, limbs flailing and hair flying, thudded heavily down a seven-foot crevice.
This scene where the others die seems to happen a bit too fast. Maybe add some suspense, like Felicia's gripping the walls and says "I'm slipping." It seems as if they're there one moment, and gone the next. This is a great thing for a character to feel but not necessarily beneficial for the reader. Just a small thing to think about.
Setting: Murals of abstract images shone out on the surfaces, faded with time...
Good descriptions. It made it easy to picture and also felt as if we were probing into a different, unique world. I could see the murals, feel the stone on my fingers. Excellent.
Overall:
I really enjoyed reading this. It was interesting delving into a new world, following these people on an expedition.
First Impressions:
I liked the title of this poem. It was to the point and you knew what the topic would be about.
Pace:
The pace was perfect. I like how some of your lines would rhyme, others not. It flowed well.
Word Choice:
You did well with word choice. Every sentence was wonderful. I loved how instead of just saying something, you made it come alive. Some of the best examples of this: I have felt wounds healed,
I experienced old hates sealed.
I have felt my fears melt away.
That's very sweet.
Layout:
Very easy to read, no complaints.
Imagery:
Sentences like c:blue}"What it is like to drown in sin." and "That tiny spark that burns bright," really had some great imagery.
That made the poem fascinating to read.
Overall:
Awesome poem.
I noticed in your bio you said you were a teen. Me too! And you move a lot (same here!) Wish you luck in England and trust me, you're not missing much in the US haha.
First Impressions:
A serene title that fits with the story.
Grammar and Spelling:
Found no errors.
Character/Dialogue:
The character is likeable here. We feel her peace, her fragility, and her good-natured spirit. You did well with making us feel as if we were in her shoes.
Setting:
The imagery and metaphors in this piece were superbly written. The reader can sense every detail, feel the wind whispering on their skin, hear the distant waves crashing onto shore. Every line of description was wonderful!
Overall:
This was one great short. It was relaxing and made me want to travel to wherever Emma was! Great job
First Impressions:
This is a beautiful poem of your love for writing. It expresses this nicely.Simple lines such as: Something held within. really add depth to the writing. It's a lot better than saying 'I like to write' haha.
Pace:
The pace was perfect. I love how you added one-worded lines that really slowed things down.
Word Choice:
Nice word choice! I like how you said 'safe place' and 'special place'
Layout:
Wonderful. It was simple and easy to read and I also love the purple. I think it shows your personality. I'm guessing it's your favorite color (both from this and the part in your book Hidden Magic where your main character loves the color purple)
Overall:
A wonderfully well-written poem! Keep up the good work!
First Impressions:
The title 'abandoned' could really mean anything and as I was reading this poem, it seemed like it could mean anything. The way I looked at it was maybe someone who's love left and now they were sad....then again, there are many ways to look at it.
Pace:
It may be the way I read it, but the pace seemed a bit fast. Again, this may just be me. But you might think of maybe adding a few words that slow down the pace as if in slow motion.
Word Choice/Imagery: Buildings decayed This is nice word choice. You used words like 'deserted' and 'remains' to really paint a picture in the reader's mind. I could imagine the abandoned building by these words. Very nice.
Layout:
Simple and easy to read. If you wanted to, you could add maybe an image of an crumbling and abandoned building or add emoticons of flowers or something to jazz it up but that's not a big deal.
The following review is meant to be helpful. But it's just my opinion so take what you need and ignore the rest.
First Impressions:
While the beginning was interesting, it was a bit hard to get into. The only reason is because there's no immediate reason to "care" for the character. I'm not sure who the character is. You describe the setting early in the beginning. Perhaps you should hook the reader first.
Besides that, it made me wonder where the character was and how she (assuming its a girl) had got into that situation.
Grammar and Spelling:
“Hello Sarah(comma)” he said softly, a smile touching his lips.
'A smile touching his lips' Nice! I like the way you said that.
Good Points:
You used great description.
The snarl of fury that erupted from the opposite edge spun me away and I began fighting my way through the dense forest in a desperate attempt to escape.
This is great suspense! Building suspense is so incredibly important. That's what keeps the reader reading and it's what kept me guessing.
Comments/Suggestions:
I would suggest adding more of the character's personality in this piece if you can.
I was going to die here. My life was going to end in this godforsaken forest.
These lines show the character's personality and are also interesting lines. I would suggest putting this closer to the beginning to have the reader wonder. Off the bat, the reader should know there's an element of danger.
The fear was overwhelming. My breath was coming fast. My hands were shuddering as they began moving again, ripping against the thick branches and tearing through the underbrush. My vision blurred with tears and I reached up to wipe my eyes dry. I was crying in pure terror.
This paragraph seemed a bit choppy. I would stream some of these lines together to make it flow more.
I spun on my heel and came face to face with the angel of death. Somehow, I think it would be scarier if you just said a man was behind the character. Why? 'Angel of death' seems a bit cliche.
It was a quiet reminder of my impending death, as if I needed it.
Again, this is only my opinion but 'impending death' is sort of like saying 'impending doom' and that sounds a little cliche. I do like how you say 'as if I needed it' because that is good characterization.
Setting:
You showed the setting nicely. The way you describe things is great because it also shows mood. A word of caution though, make sure the sentences all flow together. I suggest reading it out loud to yourself so you can tell if something doesn't sound right.
Overall:
Naturally, I'm a sap for suspense. I liked that your character is in danger and I was curious to find out why. Overall, a nice scene that when tightened up, can be really great. Good luck and keep up the good work!
First Impressions:
The picture. My first thought was literally: That's a really good picture. Where'd you get it? I loved it....anyway, onto the poem, haha.
Pace:
Wonderful pace. Just right. Not too fast, not too slow.
Word Choice:
This is what caught my eye. The way you used 'azure' instead of blue. At first, I wondered maybe if you should've used 'blue' but after a bit, I relented and agreed that azure is best to use.
The mountains call me with whispered
voices. 'Whispered' here is great.
The nascent colors of dawn melt I loved how you used 'melt' here. Beautiful.
Layout:
Simple and easy to read. I liked how you seperated the last two stanzas.
Imagery:
Wonderful imagery in this poem. For example: As I climb, the reflected sun
paints heavenly halos in my
vision.
Overall:
Nicely done! From the photo, to the poem. Great work!
First Impressions:
Nice! I'm not sure if you can add anything to this story since it's for a competition, but I'll give my suggestions nonetheless.
Grammar and Spelling:
Found no errors.
Character/Dialogue:
There's no dialogue, so I'll stick with character.
The thoughts really showed the character. They were sort of witty and funny even though he's in a life-threatening situation.
Comments/Suggestions:
I would suggest combining a lot of these sentences that are sort of hovering by themselves into a few paragraphs. That would make it easier to read. Also, double spacing it may not be the best option for this story.
I was trying to piece together what had happened to him but even the character doesn't know haha, so I was left to guess. He remembered ordering the Bourbon and then – nothing more. At the moment, he would settle for just knowing who he was. This is a sentence that helped me infer a bit. Maybe you can describe a bit of who is chasing him. That would clarify some.
Setting:
The setting was shown a bit but I would still try and add in some more. For example, you could talk about the vines tripping his feet and the leaves and twigs slappintg at his arms.
Overall:
Interesting story! I was thrown into the action. Very nice!
First Impressions:
I enjoyed reading this and was excited to see how you incorporatated the challenge into this piece.
Grammar and Spelling:
No mistakes that I found!
Character/Dialogue:
Nice dialogue. Realistic, to the point.
I felt as if there could be a bit more characterization but I know it's a prompt and they can only be so long. So for the amount of words, it was good characterization.
Setting/Description: He took the familiar seat behind the familiar table and waited for the interview to begin.
Maybe here you could add something about a metal table or the glassy floors.
I loved how you described the man's necktie. Comical.
Overall:
A nice story I enjoyed reading. Good work! Since I found no problems, I'm rating it a 5.
First Impressions:
An interesting beginning to an interesting story. I like how you began, with a question that grabs your attention. I assumed the story would be in Chris' POV but it wasn't. I don't know if that's a problem or not, just something to keep in mind if you wanted to clarify that. It's totally up to you.
Grammar and Spelling:
I found no mistakes.
Character/Dialogue:
Since there's no need for dialogue, I'll stick with character. The character's innocence shown through the excitement of the class and the stunned reaction on the playground. The only problem I found was that the story wasn't exactly focused on the character's reaction, but the entire class.
Comments/Suggestions:
Maybe you could add a sentence or two about the main character's reaction to what happened.
I was lost for a bit of this story. Who exactly. What did their project have to do with the new shuttle. And what happened to Ms. Maitland. Did she plant a bomb? Was she arrested? These are just some things that could be clarified.
Then we watched in horror, as something went wrong. Then we watched in disbelief, as our principal and a few of the other teachers rushed into the room, and took Ms. Maitland away.
Instead of using 'Then' twice, I would vary this up a bit.
Good Points:
I loved this sentence. Nice description.We watched, glued in disbelief as they replayed the video of the smoke engulfing the space shuttle, and the contrails drifting off like twisted branches striving for moving targets just beyond their reach.
I loved how you showed the class's excitement to what was happening and what they were talking about. The beginning was great. Also, the suspense was built up nicely.
Overall:
I really enjoyed reading this. It was an interesting story! Great job!
I liked this poem very much! These were my favorite lines: gathers in her eyes so bright,
they can only pull me in more tight
It was very beautiful the way you used this. "Gather in her eyes" Nice imagery! I particularly like the way you rhymed without it sounding forced in any way.
Beautiful imagery in this poem. It really allows the reader to imagine what is being said. I can see the moon hanging in the night sky. Wonderful! The two languages are also very unique...I would have never thought of doing that!
Yay NaNoWriMo! Sorry, just thought I'd stop by and say that. I liked your line "Let the words flow" That's exactly how it is! I'm not sure exactly the meaning of the last sentence though.
First Impressions:
I went in thinking I would give an in-depth review, maybe point out a few things to make better but no...to me, at least, it's perfect. No flaws whatsoever. Beautifully written and so interesting. Like a morsel of a greater story.
Grammar and Spelling: As he put it, ”should the drink take me before a lonely heart, I’ll leave my business to you.”
I believe the 'S' in "should" would be capitalized since it's the beginning of the sentence.
Character:
I love the character in this. The personalization is subtle but its there!
Suggestions:
I'm sorry, I have none. I see nothing to change. So I will change it to "Good Points" Good Points:
Where should I begin? This is funny, it's real. It shows not only the character's personality but Erickson's. The dialogue was realistic. It's cute that he has a crush on Maria. I liked the wording also.
Overall:
I really enjoyed this! By the way, your website is incredible!! So cool. It makes me want to make one for my book, "A Falling Sky." Hm.......
I really liked the beginning. The imagery was beautiful, the comparison of up and down, bridge and dams.
I also lliked where you said: where the river meets the sea, where the journey widens
You lost me a bit at the end, but the fault is probably my own. (I'm not a poet so sometimes things don't always make sense to me). However, you reclaimed me where you wrote these lines: Triumph gone, triumph wrong,
I have come to where “was” had gone,
swimming to where it all began,
the one and all, and “that I am,”
I loved that. 'Where "was" had gone'?? Brilliant!
I love this image. It's so beautiful and the words add another depth to it.
My favorite line: Colorful butterflies dance in golden sunbeams
I also liked the use of the word 'cradle' here. For some reason, that strikes a nerve with me. I'm able to visualize this action.
How you managed to write this entire story without the use of the vowel 'U' is a mystery to me, something I guarantee you I could never do haha. See, there, I just used 'U!' Anyway, nicely done. You were able to write just as well with this challenge as if you were writing without. Very impressive.
Wow. I really enjoyed this poem! It's interesting because I can relate. Many people think because others are nice they're naive or stupid. This poem, however proves them wrong. I liked the structure of it, how after everything you say you are 'helpful, trustful, direct' you say the person's misconceptions of you. And of course, the very last line was perfect. 'Believe me, you are surely mistaken.' I believe though, that it would be more powerful without the comma after 'you' in "Believe me, you, are surely mistaken'
Loved this!!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/summerland
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 2:01am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
