Great. Thank you for sharing this. I am at a stand-still on a new story idea that I want to develop before I lose the nerves. It's an extremely painful piece for me but, in the wake of all that's happening now w/child abuse, Penn State, Jerry Sanduski and the PSU Board Members covering for such a monster, I believe it's time to share my experiences. This guideline will help to stay on task, I believe.
Your consideration for us 'writers in the wilderness' is greatly appreciated!
Thank you for sharing such intimate details of your thoughts and feelings. Congratulations on the latest addition to your family. This piece has re-ignited the lost writer in me. I too have made drastic purposeful changes. The entire time that I was on the mission to move from the mid-west back home to Louisiana, I knew my goal was to get settled into peace and calmness where writing would flow like I've always dreamed of. It has only been two weeks since I made it home. I have lots of work ahead of me before that calm will fall into my mind and flow out of my fingers expressing and impressing my thoughts and wishes and deepest bright and dark secrets. I cannot wait til that day. I am so happy that you have found your way back because from what I've read thus far, the writers of this world was missing you. Keep writing!
I think this is the start to a pretty good drama. You took the mystery out already by telling who killed who.
I may need to read this one again. I'm thinking that maybe you introduced too many characters without giving them life first. So, while reading the dialogue amongst them, who was saying what became a tedious job instead of a smooth read.
“Stop it both of you” Anne snapped. She rummaged in her handbag; glaring at me while she did so, finding a tissue she blew her nose dramatically"
How does one blow their nose dramatically? This was a bit forced and could use some editing.
This is an excellent contest. Of course the instructions were clear and concise and easy to follow. So, with that said, I rated several this evening in hopes of entering and just simply forgot to paste, " My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" ."
Any chance at redemption? Please.
Thanks for being a great moderator and keeping WDC alive and fun!
I enjoy your relaxed style of writing already. At first I thought this was a foreword to your readers before getting to the introductory. Soon, I realized that you are, in a nice way, warming up for the real story.
You've peeked my interest enough to revisit your port to see if you've decided to contintue the saga of "A Christmas Best". Although I've never been to prison or jail, some personal issues has left me in solitaire states where I didn't want to answer my doorbell/knocks, phone, email... Not to say that your experience is lessor or greater but I do, especially now that I am no longer in my private solitare state of being, I could relate to you (your character).
I could definitely relate to loosing the thumb drive. I purchased a jumbo one since filling up two 512s and a 1gb one. Well, I lost that thing and possibly in another state! I personally think airport security took it but of course no way to prove that.
Anyhow, without more ranting and with more review here, you gave a great preview of what's to come of your writing. I like the style and shall be back.
Could you do me the favor of dropping me a line to remind me that you've entered the story? Thanks in advance.
I absolutely love each of these well written stories. I've read several prior to the new ones you've added and your plotting style is still phenominal. I was one of the many, I'm sure, that asked you if these were true stories. Thanks for adding that note. I think this is 'movie' material actually. I can visualize the deep plotting from some seasoned directors and producers. I will be reading the last two this weekend because these are one of the very few that held my attention long enough to continue and look forward to reading more. These are very sad stories but interesting, however. You must be a detective or have at least worked in the field or a related field for years???
You use the past tense while speaking of present.
For instance;
"The phone rang. It is the nice lady from the residential home where my aunt resides. She explains that she needs more clothes."
The phone rang and the nice lady from the residential home where my aunt lives explained that she needed more clothes.
"An attractive blonde appears. I explain to her my need for clothes for my Aunt that lives in residential care. I tell her the size is 12." (actually, since you already introduced your aunt and where she resides and her size, you really dont have to say this again as it is redundant).
An attractive blond lady appeared; I explained I needed clothes for my Aunt in residential care – size 12. Thankfully she believed me.
"They inspect each item carefully with approving nods until they reach the knickers."
One by one each item was carefully inspected and approved until we came to the granny knickers.
Don't forget to spell check. You mispelled 'blonde'.
Yes! Perfect. Thanks for sharing. Yes, I am one of your readers that often wonder who you are. I love your style of writing is why, I guess, other than being nosey and just reading and writing my response.
I like the way your organized this. It's definitely one to add to favorites.
I've had brief encounters with you before here at WC. I'm sure that you have many many fans so I wont let my ego tell me that you recall.
I'm an empty nester that has plans on writing this great masterpiece one day. I've lead a very dark, interesting life. Many of the events that caused the darkness spills over from childhood events that my mind would not, could not let go. I have been attempting to wait and write when the emotions are not so strong. Some people believe it therapuetic to write these emotional pieces. I found that they tend to evoke the un-recalled instances that send me back to darker times. I'll wait a little longer for now. Only problem with that is that as age would have it, I find that I'm always forgetting the perfect word or catchy phrase or simply the organization of a story.
Wow, I recall attempting to bleach my eyes the colour of my grandmother's. I could certainly relate there. This poetry is dark and filled with sadness and it shows, I can hear it in the written words.
I read this twice. Not that I didn't enjoy it but to attempt to understand a bit more. Did Mama die at the hands of her daughter? The one that would be forced to do "things they didn't want to do." while shoved into twisted corners with on way out?
The treachorous bunk beds and cradle? Please help me here. I know I'm missing it. Just a little boost will do.
The imagery is great here. I can see 'her' color and choose colors from an urn. Morbid, I must say, however fitting it is.
See, this is great. It was simple yet pleasing to read and filled with valuable information that eludes to the surface of the writer. YOU! Thanks for sharing you before I delve off into some of your stories.
I recall reading another poem and learning more about the London tragedy. You keep their memory near and dear and alive when you write about them. That is really cool of you to colour your hair. I like it on you.
Your poetry is always very moving and pleasing, even when it's disturbing, emotions of many kind are evoked.
Now, this is a creative mind at its' best. I was filled with curiosity and humor the same. You captured my attention from the beginning to the end. You even worked my emotions a bit by giving me a peep into the mind of an insect and it's detriment.
What is scary about this story is that the insect says, “May your mist one day turn upon its maker!” I cry."
How much do we know about these mists that kill insects that have outlasted dirt? Where does it go after it kills? Who can say just where cancer is coming from? What about that couple that did everything right and still their unborn child is born to lifelong, life threatening ailments?
Since you've made it clear that you're from another country, I'd like to thank you for your insight and caring that spreads across the seas. Many people have no idea how to love up close, let alone so far away. You cleary are very emotionally intelligent.
Oh, this is so touching. I see the vivid imagery you paint here due to my own knowlege of this world mess but you do an excellent job here at painted this horrid picture, yes, that our youth do know as the truth. It's even sadder when you 'suggest' that the rich have enough so that none would ever suffer from the pains of hunger again. I especially like the part where you 'dream' that a child has to ask, 'what does hunger mean?'
Keep on giving us this depth and you'll be a winner in this world of poetry in no time at all.
Wow, it must be nice to even imagine a love so kind and gentle and strong. I can only dream of it. It must be like heaven to actually feel this way. I'm very happy that you are happy enough to write such a lovely love story in such a poetic manner.
I especially love the verses where he gently shows you his love by touching your hand and stroking your hair. You painted a wonderful image about a wonderful man.
Oh wow, how heart breaking these times must be for you. My heart goes out to you but especially my prayers.
Well, face it, from my perspective, the sort of motherly love you had is totally unknown to me (from my biological mother anyhow). So, although she is not the same mother you knew, she gave you what a mother is supposed to give.
Ok, on the story structure note, you have a few errors throughout the story that could use some revising.
As an example, you randomly capitalize words that should not be capped. Nouns are people, places and things. Unless you are saying the person's name, like Doctor Lewis, there is no need to cap doctor or nurse or hospital. If you were naming the hospital, like St. Joseph's Hospital, then hospital would be capped.
More dialogue versus telling this story would have made it even more attractive to your reader's eye.
Nice and fitting descriptive image here:
"He hoped this would add to his mystique, however the resulting coughing fit ruined the effect." Especially as an introduction to the character you plan to offer in this storyline.
Wonderful introduction. Full of vivid images and even suspense. I look forward to reading more on Eddie or his demise.
You make some good points here. Who the hell cares? Why? What business of it is yours? These fanatics need to get with the program. They need to realize the choices made long before they were parents and their own parents gave them the gift of seeing where this world of values will land us. We don't need respect. All we need is self preservation and like you state, pleasure, money and power.
I like how you use the reverse psychology to drive your point in. You write clearly and concise.
I've had the pleasure of reading each and everyone of these chapters and absolutely love this author's style of writing. I check to see at least every other day to see if another has been added.
You are just gifted. The poetry that I've had the pleasure of reading and rating lately from your port tells so much of the way your love has been almost a lifetime. You are very blessed to have had this sort of love and can still proudly say that you're still in love.
God has his place for him and you and all of us too. You'll have to trust in that during these hard days.
You have a questionable coma in this stanza next to 'Grey,..'
Sugaree
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sugaree
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 8:37am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
