I just read this very brief story or bit of a story. It seems like an excellent idea, but I have seen missing commas and others that shouldn´t be there. This could be expanded into a detailed description of what was behind the door, the fairies and the queen, not just the coat, which could also be more details... I'd also like to get to know Jenny and maybe even Margaret.
This could make a wonderful short story, with a little adventure and full characters, and I would certainly love to read it.
I do hope you find this useful and that you may correct the punctuation and maybe extend the story, if you do, please let me know so I can read it.
My best wishes and happy writing,
This is the introduction to something that could be bigger, you did stop the interesting part of the story by saying he´d lost his ability, but I´m sure you can come up with something to re-instate them? Spider-flu or something?
The writing is simple, style is basic and easy to read. Maybe you could expand it and make it more complex to attract different audiences.
I hope this helps you improve and continue this story.
This has moved me so much, it´s sweet and full of passion and obviously true feelings. I would change the poetic shape of it and make it more lyrical, the rhythm of the rhyme does affect the readability of it. I am sorry about your relatives who were lost in war, I also know people who passed over in different wars, relatives and friends, and I know it will always be hard for us to understand why politicians create wars with people they don´t even know, sending people they don´t know to fight wars they don´t understand. Churchill was so right about this.
I hope you find this helpful. Best wishes and happy writing,
This is touching, at least for me, I lost my mum to cancer 6 months ago. I see this is full of feelings, positive and negative, losing a child cannot be easy. The emotions however, seem to have cooled down after the first paragraph. I read it and was ready to cry my heart out, but some punctuation marks missing, plus the coolness of the second paragraph on, prevented my tears from free-falling.
I do believe you have tons of feelings about this, but probably decided against pouring them out on writing, I suggest you do, it's lovely and intense to feel the passion and emotions of a writer in their work. I also, and please don't take this the wrong way, review punctuation and some wording, let your heart out and express your feelings, the wonder of seeing your son improve his way of life, even when he was dying and knew it. The frustration of seeing him self-destruct until the diagnosis. I think all that should be here, allowing us, readers, to feel your own feelings, to connect with you and let you touch our hearts and souls.
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