Hello,
I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 
The idea is good, I liked it. It appears to be the prologue, because it's backstory, perhaps explaining why he's alone. You've done a good job if that's your intention. If it's actually the first chapter it's going to need some work. It's not a finished story.
I'm mentioning a few things here, but you'll want to do a proofread during the rewrite to catch spelling and word choices that need fixing.
The darkness felt massive, cutting out everything but the sound.
shaking as he saw his hands, blood.
There was nothing, no light, no feeling. Fear swam in his
How was he able to see that it was blood in such darkness?
There was nothing, no light, no feeling. Fear swam in his
flesh, the feeling that this darkness was
Clarify the difference in 'feelings'. Does the first mean physical feeling--like feeling the ground? To say there was 'no feeling', and then to say there was is confusing.
But in that void a light faintly grew from a faint glow.
These are out of order I believe. If there was a faint glow first, it was not total darkness. Try switching them to show the glow first and the growing light. Example: in that void appeared a faint glow, and the light faintly grew.
dirty blue jeans laying on the ground at his feet. His eyes ran along the room,
The word 'ground' appears several times when speaking of the 'floor'. It is distracting to make the reader think of 'outside' (because that's where ground is). The reader has to stop and check if he's still inside the room.
Sure mom!" Axel yelled, his voice echoing off the walls weakly.
Why did his voice echo weakly, while his mother's was strong? What is the reader supposed to know?
its spot taped to his mirror hanging on the wall.
The single mirror on his wall
An example of wordiness. The reader already knows the mirror is on the wall, so repeating it is not necessary. I suggest cutting the bolded--on his wall-- to make a tighter sentence.
comb, a mess of hair and grease covering its bristles.
A hair brush has 'bristles', a comb has 'teeth'.
open his door a loud creek coming from the rusted frame,
Iron door hinges will rust and creak, but a wooden 'frame' will not.
as he pushed open his door a loud creek coming from the rusted frame, the floor echoing his steps.
This scene might need another line or two. I see him standing still while pushing the door open. He isn't taking steps at the same time. Did he walk out into the hall after opening the door?
"Mom, I'm going for a walk in the woods." He yelled, his voice squeaking slightly as he spoke. Before she replayed he ducked out the window to his left, landing with a roll to the soft soil bellow.
This is the same scene as above. Is the window in the hall, or his room?
What the…” His vision suddenly went black;
his eyes felt like they are burning as they started to adjust.
As he stood there a painful echo entered his ears,
This has happened a few times making the description redundant. Perhaps it's time for a new way of saying it?
he covered his ears and dropped his face to the warm dirt.
Axel blacked out as he felt his ears grow wet with blood.
As his sight faded he was the distinct image of a red pair of eyes floating in the darkness of the trees.
He collapsed to the ground,
Axel stood staring at him for maybe a minute
Here are few examples of things done out of order. It doesn't appear that he blacked out since he still sees the eyes. Perhaps he only felt faint for a few seconds? If he did black out, place it in the line last, after his sight faded with the image.
It's a little difficult to know when he's lying on the ground and when he stands. Don't leave out the little details that makes a scene clear to the reader.
I'm only guessing it's a prologue, and prologues can't be reviewed alone. Reviewers need a first chapter to understand the plot and character. They will need to know the main character and what his problem is, and why it's important to him.
You're pretty good with the setup and suspense. The setting is eerie and clear. The description of the lava is very well done. I can see it. But do you think he should lie down so close to it?
Continue writing the story, and then seek out reviews when you're ready to begin the rewriting--that's when the story really begins to be written. Don't rush it, you're doing well.
Don't let the star rate stress you. It only applies to the stage of the writing that's on the page. This is a normal rate for a first draft. The idea is good and I think the story will be good.
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item" :
"Invalid Item"
|
|
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Another problem and a possible solution for you to think about.