Hi Dr M C Gupta As you already know, I am the Poetry Judge for "Invalid Item" and see you have another entry.
Following Formatted Biblical Prompt of Author's Choice
His trip to Calvary or better know as the Passion of the Christ. The Greatest Story Ever Told.
Plot/Imagery - Point/Ideal
A clear presentation of the last few hours of Christ's life, to the crucifixation.
Meter, Rhythm & Cadence
Meter is technically perfect however the rhythm is askew at times with inflections that induce some choppiness. I'll give my detailed observations here;
It’s over two thousand years,
In desolate desert land,
Walked a man at thirty three,
Leaving footsteps on the sand.
A lovely start, smooth and sailing. . .
His footprints were rather deep,
Since a burden He carried.
Up along the tiny hill,
Bearing a cross, He tarried.
Here's where it gets a little stiff. I offer this for your consideration;
His footprints were rather deep,
since a burden was carried
up along the tiny hill,
bearing a Cross, He tarried.
In my opinion, tarried is not the best word to use here. My Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines tarry:to delay or be tardy in acting or doing. To linger in expectation, wait. To abide or stay in or at a place.
I understand you were needing a marriage for "carried" but tarried just doesn't fit here.
His tongue was thirsty and parched,
Sensing only salty taste.
Beads of sweat dropped on His lips,
As He lumbered up in haste.
I would always cap He, Him, His.
His countenance was serene,
Lost He was in His own thought,
Musing at the fate to which
His simple preaching had brought.
Again, all references to His Holiness should be capped.
But, in His heart, He knew that
there must be a purpose great,
for which He had sent Him down,
And made Him till this day wait.
Capping all references to God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit.
The first three lines are smoothly done and the last line is squeezed in there rather unceremoniously. Not as gaited as the preceding three.
Nailed He was then to the Cross,
on His head a Crown of Thorns,
He was offered vinegar,
to quench thirst as per vile norms.
Capping all references to Him! When I read this the first time, I did not connect to the wording but . . . when I re-read and removed the comma in the last line, I really "heard" your statement.
When no more pain could He bear,
He called up to His Father,
Praying that He forgive them,
And not punish them, rather.
This is an instance of technical correctness BUT Father and rather don't rhyme in Texas.
Those footsteps echo in hearts
Of men, women, till this day.
May we never forget them,
Lord, only this, do we pray.
Allow me please;
Those footsteps echo in hearts
Of men and women today.
Lord, may we never forget,
For only this . . . do we pray.
Spelling, Punctuation & Grammar
All spelling is perfect. Punctuation; I would always cap references to His Holiness. Grammar is a little shaky in spots.
Character/Object/Feeling Defined
Even though His Name is not mentioned we know of whom you speak. Hallelujah!
Favorite Line (s) or Passage
It’s over two thousand years,
In desolate desert land,
Walked a man at thirty three,
Leaving footsteps on the sand.
Overall Impression/Final Comments
A perfectly metered piece however, some roughness in rhythm that affects the overall cadence.
Both msrystearsand I thank you for entering our "Invalid Item" and wish you the Best in the final decision.
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