General impression: This was an interesting take on a scene which usually turns out much different than your treatment. The emotional effect certainly was carried out from the beginning.

Character Development: Your protag was developed very well as the story moved along, but, this is a very short story and not a great deal of character development is expected since the time frame of the story is but a few minutes from start to finish.

Technical Suggestions (grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc.): I hope you learned English in the British Tradition for American English style has the commas that end a quote INSIDE the quotes rather than outside. Still I did not see any of the British spellings used anywhere (such as "favour" and "colour") in the story so I'm thinking you were not aware of this difference.
Technically this next part is NOT grammar or punctuation, but the story is printed in a red font and in italics... I had to copy the entire story into Word and change it to a plain black Times font before I could successfully read it.

Color is seldom used in fiction...and for good reason...it makes it difficult for the reader...something you don't want to do. Ditto for the italics. (Also, although you didn't use "thought quotes" the use of italics in today's stories is USUALLY reserved for what a character is thinking.)


Areas of Improvement:
The story moved right along until you got to the part where she was laying on the floor, bleeding to death and thinking. I know you were trying to show how she had tried to live a "good life" before the intruder showed up but I think you carried this part out with too much narration after making your point...causing me to want to simply skip over most this part and get to the ending.

In Conclusion:
One part I had trouble accepting. Here was a woman who had been stabbed in the side and was bleeding badly, had laid on the floor for some time then, instead of being weak from loss of blood, managed to get up, pick up the knife, steal up behind the young boy without being seen and driven the knife deeply into his back, apparently killing him..THEN managed to get to a phone, call her husband, calmly explain what happened before fainting and apparently dying.

As I used to say all the time...it just doesn't compute well.

Still, that all said, you laid the twisted ending on very well to surprise me. I especially liked the way you left me hanging a bit...wondering if she actually died herself or not. Well done and for that reason I'm giving you an extra star over what I would have given with a normal ending.

Sticktalker

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General impression: I have to be honest here, Aleaf, I first found this piece (along with the other short you have posted in your port, rather confusing to read.) Upon reading it a second time it became obvious that the character was the confused person, but some of the sentences still confused me.
You really don't want to confuse the reader...for if he is confused he'll put your story down and go to the next one.
Example: You use the wording Here all her clothes and Here her hair that she struggled . I am not sure what you meant by the "here" in both cases.

I think you need to break the single paragraph story up into a number of graphs. When a story is all ONE graph the eye can easily lose it's place and the reader has to start all over...which is confusing to the reader. Too many "restarts" and he'll move on to another story.

Technical Suggestions (grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc.):
I think you need to brush up on your punctuation (and I'm not the greatest on using commas). Wrong comma/punctuation usage will also confuse the reader. You want to stay away from confusing me.

In Conclusion:
All that being said, when I finally put it all together I liked the basic concept of the story, I just think that it needs to be re-written and made more coherent for the reader (but keep the character confused!)

Sticktalker

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General impression: This is a very rough draft of a proposed novel you are working on. Since it's a first draft, I'm taking that into consideration. I like the general idea that you are proposing here. You have a command of the language and a good grasp of general grammar.

Character Development:
I had a bit of trouble with your character. You state she is six years old, yet, her thinking processes appear to be that of a much older girl, perhaps a sixteen year old. Example: Again, I heard walking outside, and automatically I froze, my breath stopped halfway into my throat. I didn't breath or move, and finally the footsteps stopped. I'm not sure that a six year old would phrase it that way. Perhaps I heard the steps outside and stopped breathing would be more consistent with a six-year old.

I do realize that your character needs to be very young to make the story work, so you do need to develop her as being really six. Go play with a six year old girl, listen to how she talks, the words, the sentences...getting inside her thoughts is going to be more difficult however.

These inconsistencies continued throughout and I found it very difficult to identify myself with her.

Technical Suggestions (grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc.):
You have part of the style for dialogue (each characters' talk is in a separate paragraph, but you need some work on the punctuation of dialogue.)
Example:
"Get dressed," the woman said.
"OK," I answered as I put on a dress; "Can I use the bathroom first?"
The woman replied, "Sure, I'll wait here."

Commas, not periods to identify who says it. Notice the second graph...a semi-colon, not a period since "OK" and "Can I use..." are two separate sentences.

Thoughts are punctuated the same way, except "thinking" is usually set in italics, not asterisks, (you'll need to learn how to create italics in WDC's markup code to do that.)

Areas of Improvement:
I think that it takes a while for the story conflict to develop. Although you did very well in the description and narration of the beginning, I wanted to jump ahead and get to the "exciting part"...something a reader may not do. Instead, they might put the novel back into the rack and pick another one to read.

Do watch out for using the same word in descriptive sentences...Look at the first graph. Both the car door AND the footsteps "slammed". Maybe "clumped" or "hammered" or "thudded" up the walk way would be better?

Line by Line:
(does not apply in this review)

In Conclusion:
Don't be dishearten by this review however. I think you have a good basic idea hear that could be improved and developed. I did enjoy reading through this. Keep up the good work and remember, practice, practice, practice!

Sticktalker

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General impression: I loved this introduction to what appears to be the first chapter of a proposed novel.

Areas of Improvement: Although you have labeled this "chapter one" I think it is really the prologue as you refer to the "reader" several times, something I don't think you'd do in the novel itself. I'd change this to "Prologue".

The first paragraph is quite long, you want to write shorter paragraphs to stay away from long, boring "gray blocks" of type that are difficult for the readers' eye to follow and he will quickly lose interest, the exact opposite of what you want to do in the beginning.

Technical Suggestions (grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc.): When you are setting up your static item, it's a good idea to show the guide number. I think this novel is geared to young children, you should use the "13+" rating to help the readers know what audience you are shooting for.

In Conclusion: All that aside, I'm anxious to read "Chapter Two"!

Sticktalker

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General impression: Hi there Connie. I have to tell you, this certainly was an interesting story. I gather it was for a contest where you had to use specific word prompts which you boldfaced. You did a good job with the introduction paragraph, pulling the reader right into the story and setting the scene. It made me want to get into the rest of the story.

Character Development: You only had one real character, 80-year-old Hattie and the story is told from her POV. I'm not 80, but I'm moving in on that age and I certainly could empathize with Hattie's predicament in this story. I was impressed with the clarity of her thinking. Most people see older folks as "losing it" and their thinking process becomes less clear than anyone 20 years younger than them. That's not true and your story showed that.

Technical Suggestions (grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc.): I think you need to work a bit on how to handle dialogue. If only two people are talking and thinking, then you don't need to identify who is saying what, the reader can follow it easily.

“Wow, this old lady has some hot wheels.” Nellie heard the man say, loud ..." made me think at first that Nellie was saying it. Revising the order would be easier to follow: Nellie heard the man say, "Wow, this old lady..."

“Crap, look at the gas gauge. We’re on empty.” Nellie never could remember to fill up until the light came on. It's not clear if the man or the woman said this. Something like this: "Crap, look at the gas gauge. We're on empty," the man said. Nellie thought I never can remember to fill the tank until the little "empty" light flashed on..

“There’s a station, pull in.” The woman’s voice was high-pitched and tinny sounding. Again, apparently the woman said this, but again it was only by inference. I think it would be stronger to say something like this: “There’s a station, pull in” the woman said, her voice high-pitched and tinny sounding.

Areas of Improvement: There were two areas that I believe could be improved with a minor rewrite.

When the man opened the trunk to let her out after she passed out, I was confused as to just whom the man was. All you said was "the man silhouetted against the bright.." Was it the gas station attendant? Was it a cop? Was it some stranger? It put a blip in the flow of the story. Three graphs later you explain that it apparently was the man who took the car...although you still only inferred who it was this way "... Nellie knew she had been fortunate. They probably thought she was too old ..." I think you needed to come out and SAY who opened the trunk as it was opening.

The second area that bothered me was the question: "Why did the man and woman abandon the car after taking her out of the trunk...and leaving the keys in the ignition? It was just enough of a question for me to wonder how the police found and arrested them so quickly. I'm guessing the teen clobbered the gas station attendant with something and they turned the pump on to fill the tank and the attendant gave the police a good description of the two, but the story didn't make what happened to the attendant clear. Again, a few words would have cleared that up.

In Conclusion: Despite all of the above comments, I liked the story and thought the flow of the story was very good...building up to the final line which brought a smile to my face. Good Job, Connie.

Sticktalker

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