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Review Requests: ON
1,231 Public Reviews Given
1,261 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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576
576
Review of The Room  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting concept. I'm not sure it works 100%, but it is a good try. It was written well, with the only obvious errors being word choice (e.g. past for passed; relived for relieved) and the final line with mixed tenses. Maybe extend that final line a little as well, or take it from a different angle:

"...like a story. After all, that is what I do. I am a thought, and the words bring me to life."

Or something along those lines.

Of course, feel free to ignore.
577
577
Review of Kitten  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
The idea was very good, and the POV taken was interesting. The situation and lack of knowing from the narrator was quite a hook.

You need to work on your editting - capital letters, comma usage, full stops, run-on sentences, spelling. These are the basics for a writer and they must have at least lip service paid to them. It will also make your readers more likely to continue reading your work.

Sorry for being so negative. That is not my goal here, as you clearly have a good imagination and a different way of looking at things (essential for a writer).
578
578
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow... That was intense. Really well done. Nothing I could possibly hope to suggest could improve this. Excellent.
579
579
Review by s
Rated: E | (2.0)
A lot of run-on sentences here, which means a lack of punctuation (as well as apostrophes, etc). Also a lack of capital letters. This does make it hard for the reader to follow what is being said as ideas go into one another confusingly. It laos reads more as an outline.

Sorry for being so negative.
580
580
Review of mercenary  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
While this is a good piece of writing, a call for almost compassion, in order for it to be taken at the next level, some things need to be, I feel, addressed.

First, you ask a lot of questions... and yet you have no question marks. (e.g. "So when does our perception seem to change.") There are also some missing commas, and some long run-on sentences. (e.g. the one that starts "So how do I see a soldier of fortune..."). These are things that not only confuse readers but turn off potential publishers.

Finally the word you were looking for is "Connotations", not "conertations".

Sorry for being so negative, but I think there is something here worth pursuing and trying to take to the next level.
581
581
Review of I am  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
While this poem of affirmation is strong, there are some things that hurt it. The inconsistent use of the capital "I" for one. I thought at first that "I am me..." stanza was going to hold a lower case "i" as part of what the poem was saying, and that would have worked, especially after the capital "I" of the first verse. But then it was all over the place, and only led to confusion.

Some spelling issues: "beet" for "beat" (unless you meant the vegetable), vitiom for (I guess) victim. And the semi-colons were out of place.

Sorry to be nit-picky, but I feel this poem could have a wider audience, but a publisher/editor is going to notice these little things.

Sorry. And good work.
582
582
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think this poll needed to have a more than 1 option. I think to be able to choose two would have helped... or maybe even all three for some people?
583
583
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
And interesting self-assessment.

Sorry about the following, but I guess that's what we're here for.

Your opening paragraph was one long sentence. While it was broken up by a semi-colon, it was still a lot for a reader to digest in one go.

The use of full stops seemed hit or miss as well. And it is standard to write 'andor' as and/or. Finally, when writing the names of books, films or TV shows, the standard is also to either enclose them in single quotation marks or italicise them.

Okay, I know I'm being picky here and basically being school teacher-ish, but you writing style has a unique voice and I think any works you produce could do well. Of course, here I am being one of those busy telling you how to think, and I do apologise.

All the best
584
584
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This was well-written and well put forward. There is nothing I could say to improve what is a fine piece. Have you considered submitting it to 'Reader's Digest' or the like? I'm sure they would at least seriously consider it. Well done.
585
585
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
As an argument being put forward, if you are trying to persuade some one to your point of view, there are a few things I think need doing here:

First, you need to put some sources up. You have with Nirvana and the VH1 poll (even though the Q Music poll would have done better for you as Nirvana were considered much higher). But with 'Arrested Development' you state it was "possibly the most celebrated comedy ever to air on televsision." By who? One Emmy means nothing; considering who has won Emmys, that would most likely not even be considered. In fact, a list by TV Week places 'Fawlty Towers' and 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' at numbers one and two in the comedy stakes. And 'Fawlty Towers' would have been perfect for your argument - 12 episodes in total. Ever. And no hint of a reunion.

Second, when mentioning the names of albums and books, it is conventional to place some sort of indicator around them, be that single quotation marks or the words in italics. That way if a casual reader comes across the piece they won't be confused as to what is what.

Third, when writing a persuasive argument piece, it is also convention to start a new paragraph with each point made in an argument. This, again, helps the reader. It also helps the writer in that it makes it easier to keep track of what is being argued. Fact, supporting statements, including sources, new paragraph, repeat.

Fourth, other sources were begging to be used. Here's a quote that suited: "It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life." [Jimi Hendrix] Also, Cobain's "fade away" quote was him actually quoting a Neil Young song.

Finally, it needs a good opening paragraph, something to catch the reader's attention.

Okay, I've been overly critical, and I do apologise. The writing itself was technically sound with few grammar, spelling or punctuation errors. But it is in the style of the genre of the piece that I feel work needs to be done.

Sorry.
586
586
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The ending confused me. Forgiveness was the answer? Surely it should have been heart-felt then, or else this Vadro would have recognised it for what it was? But how and why? Not knowing the nature of Vadro confused this for me.

Technically the piece was sound. A few misplaced capital letters and commas, but that was baout all. One thing, though, there seemed a little too much 'tell' instead of 'show'. The use of adverbs was sometimes not quite right (e.g. "said strongly" - why not rumbled, or stated). A lot of "said"s as well. In this sort of tale, grab that thesaurus and go wild! I thought the language as spoken was very good for the setting.

Good work.
587
587
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Technically this is well written. The phrasing is spot on and the language used is entirely appropriate. It also does not descend into mawkishness. About the only thing I can say needs work is some of the punctuation use and some of the sentence fragments where they do not fit. An example: "I would feel so responsible[ - OR ; OR : ] “if only I hadn’t taken the ring". But the emotion of the piece is well maintained and strongly conveyed. Well done, and I hope things do not become too bad for you.
588
588
Review of Scars  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Not sure why - sorry! - but I enjoyed this poem. Well done!
589
589
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
While I agree with much of the review (althouygh I feel A Momentary Lapse Of Reason was a fine album as well), my problem with this piece is the formatting of it. New points need a new paragraph. This read like block ewriting which did make it hard to follow at times. There needed to be a better sense of order across the information presented. You are clearly passionate about the band and album, but maybe taking a step backwards from it in order to re-organise what is here could be a good option. Sorry for being so negative.
590
590
Review of Human vs Humane  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This opinion piece started well, but lost its way in the middle then found itself at the end again.

You do need to watch your apostrophe usage, spelling, general punctuation (commas, etc) and sentence formatting, as these sorts of errors can be distracting for a reader.

The arguments were put forward well enough, but some lacked the back up that others had, making those particular arguments less forceful.

Sorry for being so negative. You are obviously passionate about this and I think you could come up with quite a persuasive piece here.
591
591
Review of Proving quote  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
I think this needs to be expanded considerably. What if proving something to some one else goes against who or what you are? Are you still a nobody? We need to know more than just this - tell the reader all the whys and wherefores of your disagreement.
592
592
Review of Teenagers  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
This reminded me of the Mark Twain quote: "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

I think the juxtaposition of the two is well done, especially with the parent speaking like a whinger and the child using far more sophisticated language. Very good, well done.
593
593
Review of My Death Story  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Intriguing concept, looking back on one's death from a heaven (limbo) that does not meet one's expectations. However, I was taken a little out of the story by the very loing run-on sentences that ran throughout it. They made it hard to keep focused on what was happening. And there were a lot of them. A little editting of this would really help.

Example: "Well now you know, I am an extremely powerful witch, or at least that’s what my mother tells me, if I’m honest though I’m more powerful in the shopping department."

How about:

Well, now you know - I am an extremely powerful witch. At least, that’s what my mother tells me. You know, if I’m honest though, I reckon I’m more powerful in the shopping department.

Of course, this is just a suggestion.
594
594
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting positivity essay. The language fit the subject well, not too formal, but not completely informal as well. Spelling, grammar, etc really good. Even the paragraph structure was good, with each new point getting its own paragraph. However, the paragraphs themselves were too wordy. For the people who will need to read this sort of thing, I feel there needs to be less to take in all at once. Maybe a few more examples could have helped. Not necessarily anecdotes, but maybe some ways people can do what you suggest. Having said that, it is the sort of thing Reader's Digest and the like publish - have you considered submitting it to those sort of publications? Nice work, well done.
595
595
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting arguments. While you do well in putting your points forward, the formatting can be a little confusing. This is going to sound 'teacher-ly', so I apologise in advance. In an argument such as you are putting forward, each new idea should be a new paragraph. The opening sentence should be the point you are trying to make, with subsequent sentences ebing supportive material. This may mean you triple your paragraph count and that some paragrpahs are only two sentences long. So be it. That way the reader is kept in one line of thinking, a new paragraph telling them to get ready for a new idea. The spelling and punctation are fine, I would just look at the setting up of your argument.

Having said that, I did like the piece. Like most men, I guess I like to think I'm a good man. I hope I am.
596
596
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
That's an interesting theory - that Hitler did what he did because he was forced to eat his vegetables! I found the madness evident in the older Hitler was maybe a little cliched and overdone. After all, some one as maniacal as that would not have kepot the loyal support he so clearly did until almost the end. The younger Hitler, however, that made more sense. As for writing, grammar and spelling good, although some paragraphs went through more than one subject. Interesting piece. Well done.
597
597
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this. I can actually relate - the mother of some one I know very well is just like this.
598
598
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting concept, but I'm not sure if it would work in reality, especially crime and punishment and the option of finishing education when you feel like it. There were some points when the narrative could have been tightened a little, especially describing crime and punishment. And this is a society you are describing, so using "I" as a dominant pronoun makes it seem more like a political theory than a descriptive piece.
599
599
Review of An October Day  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
This sets the scene very well. In just three paragraphs you have told the reader exactly where the story is set without beating them over the head with it. And the words you use - "death", "shrivelled, dead skin" - add to the overall effect of something gone horribly wrong. Succint and to the point, and it won't bog the ensuing story down. Well done.
600
600
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
The contrast between Dick and Thomas was a stark one. I thought it might have been a little cliched or one-dimensional at first, but the character of Thomas came across as guilty, while Dick knew the immortality of fame and went willingly. A system of justice that put Thomas in this situation came across as the greatest villain of all. Nice piece of work. Well done.
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