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Review Requests: ON
1,740 Public Reviews Given
1,789 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Aussie Gold  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Well, glad you showed me this in time for another anniversary review!

I like the way you picked one of the lesser known Australian goldfield. The big one - and the one that attracted most USians - was in Victoria, but the NT and Queensland ones were just as bountiful, only much, much harder to get to. And the use of a South African was good; they were renowned for being arrogant on the fields, and also failing a lot of the time because no-one liked to help them.

Technically, this was great; I saw nothing amiss. My only comment would be the use of the term Mexican Turnover. I know it because I read a lot, but some readers might not get the substitution trick reference.

Still, a fun little story about a place where cultures did cross over. And, yes, your research was well done.

Good luck going forward.


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2
2
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is an interesting take on the story prompt. The use of a witch's curse to create the entity was a good one and the 'found-footage' style of story-telling was well done.

Technically, there were a lot of things to be looked at. There were a lot of repeated words throughout. Commas were missing or misused, and sentence fragments that did not fit were everywhere. Some small typos. A couple of jumps into past tense. You use "this" a lot when "the" makes more sense. It really does need a thorough edit.

Story-wise, it felt muted. There was no emotion, and the description was lacking across all five senses. For example, they see a girl's head explode and all they think is, "Well, that was gross." It does not fit a horror tale. Also, why did it take until Kevin came long before she could leave the swamp, and she just killed everyone else? Did the witch do something? I missed that.

There is a good story here, but it is clouded by errors and a lack of a horror feel. However, you have the imagination and you have the story-telling ability. Good luck going forward.


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3
3
Review of Sinkhole  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice use of ancient traditional ownership to create a horror tale. I admit, I have done similar using indigenous Australians as well - it does make for a great tale and the message is subtle.

The fear in Marge was really good, but I think a little more of her physiological reactions would have upped the ante even more. Really go for it there.

Technically it was good, but I have one suggestion. It took me a little to work out the detective stuff was in the future of the rest of the story; I think I would have put their sections in italics to confirm that it is non-linear compared to the rest. That is personal, but it did draw me out a fraction.

So, a strong story, and while the office caving in was a little deus ex machina, the rest of the ending made sense.

Good luck going forward.


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4
4
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I was expecting something more cosmic with a name like Lovecraft, but you delivered a tale of a man consumed mentally and with an open ending that does not quite answer the questions posed.

Strong story, but two things - first, the opening was a little long. You did a heap of set up using tell, which did come into play with the first round of killings, but it did feel like some of the history drew out. Second, in direct contrast, the ending where he was consumed by the skull felt rushed. You had some great descriptions, but it suddenly happened and he was attacking and killing. You had another 600 words; we could have built up and felt more of what he felt about being a killer.

Still, the story was a good one, and the descriptions work well. Good luck going forward.


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5
5
Review of Naked Ned  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
While I did see the ending coming (sorry, I often do), this was a nicely built tale. You used the environment well to build the suspense, and Jess seemed like one of those characters who almost deserve to meet their fate in this sort of story.

Two things. The first is technical - the punctuation around direct speech at times needs some cleaning up. Needs a thorough edit.

Second is story-wise. The characters were too interchangeable. Apart from jess, the rest were just like each other. There were enough words left to make the different a little. Also, in the first section I would have mentioned there were two couples; it felt like one.

One more thing, and this is more a formatting issue, nothing serious, but I recommend using a section break signifier, not just an extra carriage return.

So, a strong story with some good descriptors, and a weird antagonist, plus some swamp magic. Good luck going forward.


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6
6
Review of Lake Bonewater  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An interesting tale here, one of the return of something that slowly infects the area.

The set up was good, made sense in context, and then Charlie was the perfect carrier.

Technically, you need to look at direct speech punctuation (and why was 'Mate' written with a capital?). Not everywhere, but enough to be noticeable.

Format-wise, the scene breaks need separators, not just an extra carriage return. Because you used an extra return mid-section at one point, it threw me there.

I also would not have mentioned aliens. It takes away some of the horror. Just call it "the change/s", in my opinion.

Now, the tone - there could have been more horror, more suspense, more in the heads of some of the characters. It did feel a little distant from the emotions.

Still, an intriguing concept, one I would not have thought of. Good luck going forward/


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7
7
Review of The Knight  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


This is a good essay about what the whole concept of a knight in shining armour means, in all its metaphorical glory. You have explained yourself well, have a strong sense of description through the body and finish with a question that is really worth thinking about.

However, technically, this needs a lot of work. There are missing commas and apostrophes, little typos ("off you feet") and some subject-verb issues. In all, too many for me to list here. If you are unsure, ask someone to edit for you because this is a strong piece, but the meaning could become muddied.

So, give it a run-through and tidy it up because this deserves it. Good luck going forward.


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8
8
Review of It’s A Mess  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


This is an interesting look at a writing journey. You are very honest here and let your growth as a writer come through in your discussion of your early failings, as you see them.

As you said, it is an education.

Technically, this was very clean. Nicely done.

I think the only thing I am missing here is some emotion and maybe an explanation of why you denied you were a writer early on. I think that would round this out nicely. But that is my opinion.

Still, always good to read when someone looks back on their past writing self and sees - and, more to the point, acknowledges - that they have improved.

Good luck going forward.


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9
9
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


This is an intriguing fantasy, and it works really well as a piece of flash fiction. The lack of explanation, the acceptance, it is all there and just seems like the sort of thing a parent would do of faced with a travelling child.

Some points. Why would she have to remember the bookcase. It was clearly something that was always there. Where did she get this from? makes sense - she was wondering where on the world her daughter had travelled. But then remembering the bookcase makes it seem she forgot her daughter travels. It stands out.

Technically, a lot of missing commas and capital letters. This needs a good edit to clean it up.

In all, this was a fun little piece of flash. Good luck going forward..


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10
10
Review of Mommy's Hair  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


While this is an older piece, this was a strong little flash fiction.

The narrator giving the run-down of everything is a good touch, and the depression of the scene comes through in their words.

I love the twist at the end that while it wasn't grandma kissing her fingers, it was still her hair. That shot of creepiness without coming out and blatantly saying it says so much. Nicely done.

I think the only thing I would have done would have been clarify who the old man was just because there is an undertone here of something I find very distasteful. But that's me.

Technically, this was very clean.

This was a good piece. Good luck going forward.


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11
11
Review of Alone Again  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


A sweet song about a woman searching for love after losing it twice, trying something different instead, and then love coming looking for her.

It has a nice arc, with some build-up, then the audition, and then the phone call out of the blue. But... why would the nephew think this was the same random lady his old uncle talked about? Dorie didn't mention the Queen Bee thing. It felt almost creepy. Sure, it turned out for the best, but...

Sand the second-to-last para with the photo in the newspaper. that seemed to come out of nowhere.

Technically, the story was very strong.

So, this was a fine romance, but some pieces of the tale feel like they need clarification or tightening. Good luck going forward.


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12
12
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Yes, I did see the name of the narrator coming after she said she was Bonnie, but that's not the point of this story - this is the sort of spy story written in the 1940s and 1950s, before they had to be OTT action, where cleverness and knowing the area helps in accomplishing an espionage goal.

Technically, very clean. One of the cleanest I've seen here.

Story-wise, it does bog down a little when Bonnie first describes what should be done, but that is all.

Apart from that, this is well-paced and the conceit of having to smuggle coffee is an interesting one (though I understand that was the prompt) which you have utilised well.

This was a fun story. An easy read and with a nice denouement. Good luck going forward.


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13
13
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the way you set this as a story within a story, and told it from the point of view of someone just chatting at the pub to make a point and give a little message.

However, while I appreciate the informality of it all, at the start you told us what was going to happen, then described it happening. The opening, describing the scene also did not mean that much. Adding things for atmosphere is fine, but in a story of this length, it did feel a little much.

Story-wise, it did not follow. I went to high school last century, and one of my friends had a pen explode in his mouth, colouring everything blue. To this day, he still gets the occasional blue tongue lizard item as a "joke gift." Some things people do not forget, or are not allowed to forget.

Technically, it was fine, but the paragraph separation was inconsistent. Sometimes a double carriage return, sometimes a single.

So, look a fun story, but I think the message didn't hit and it had too much at the start.

Good luck going forward.


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14
14
Review of Them! WC 283  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice little piece of flash fiction. The idea of being convinced of "them" by a friend and a strange car is a good grounds for some weird paranoia, and, in the flash fiction limitations, it worked well. You called it a comedy, but in this day and age it felt more realistic than that...

Technically, it was very clean.

I think my only issue is this felt a little short. I think this could be lifted to a good short story, maybe even sellable, just by extending the emotions and drawing out the rising paranoia in Joni. But that is just me, and if you consider giving it a go, I'd be happy to read it.

Nicely done, and good luck going forward.


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15
15
Review of The Drive Home  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review' so here I am.

A quick bit of flash about a man facing the end of the world, being one of the very last allowed outside. You have captured the feeling of a deserted, almost dead world as this man perceives it quite well. There is a sense in him of trying to maintain a sense of normalcy, stopping at traffic lights, obeying the rules. Nice characterisation.

In a story sense, in a city with electricity, there is never silence. You don't realise it until you live in the country. There is a buzz, a hum, everywhere. Not traffic, but from the wires, from the breeze through them as well as the electricity within. The houses generate noise. It is hard to describe, but it is so definitely there.

Technically, you tense hop all over the place. Present to past and back again. With the nature of the story, I would choose present tense and stick to it. Also "ambit" should be "ambient", and I think "defining silence" should be "deafening silence". You also repeat that you are the last person out. Only needs to be there once.

So, this is a strong story, and focusing on one person instead of a large-picture scenario works really well. It just needs some tightening.

Good luck going forward.


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16
16
Review of Clean Slates  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review' so here I am.

Short poem, but one that says so much. This is the basis of human society... or should be. This is what those of us who are not religious use as our moral guide - judge people as you find them.

I like the way you have put that so succinctly.

Now, I read poetry out loud, so this is just a suggestion, but I would split the last line into 4 lines:
"We all want different,
See different,
Hear different,
Love different."
It's how it feels most comfortable to say, so maybe presenting it like that could be something.

But that is purely my opinion.

Good work, and good luck going forward.


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17
17
Review of Mushrooms  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Interesting little piece of flash fiction here. Technically it was strong, and it flowed fine.

The problem was, it felt like there were no stakes. She had to not be out after dark, and yet batted everything aside like it was a fly. It was a couple of vignettes about things that happened to her. It just lacked a hook, some drama. She felt over-powered, something happened, she used a spell and it stopped.

So, it was fine, it just lacked a certain sense of story. Good luck going forward.


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18
18
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review'... coincidence after your newsfeed post!

So, this story of a counsellor slowly losing her own sense of well-being is one that I am sure cuts close to the bone with many readers in a similar situation. You have shown the slow deterioration of Clara, Eli's part in it, her past weighing on her well.

Technically, I saw maybe two things I'd change, but they are more personal points than actual mistakes, so really clean copy.

Now, the story.

How can you delete then save again something from someone who is dead? Delete means gone, doesn't it?

The headings at the end are a little too tell. I would use scene breaks (three centred asterisks:
* * *

is usual) and not the headings; in a piece this short, they tend to be a distraction. Scene breaks and showing what the headings are telling are all that is needed. You even use the scene break to keep the final section in present tense, showing how far she has mentally fallen. I have the impression that last line is her thoughts, in which case I would also italicise it (Stay here. Stay here. Stay here.); if I'm reading it wrong; I apologise. There is also a missing carriage return between the paragraphs starting "The wool..."/"The heater..."

This is a depressing piece, but you gave shown it well. Not everyone who appears calm is actually calm. I just feel (and this is opinion) it needs some tightening in the narrative.

Good jib and good luck going forward.


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19
19
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As someone who has been a teacher of special education students, unfortunately I have seen many Jerry-like people. Some of them were teachers in the classes for other students; most were parents.

The use of love as a weapon could have worked, but for me, it was laughter. I laughed at the abusive person, shook my head and wouldn't be drawn on it. No-one abused "my" students when I was around; they hated being laughed at.

All this is to say that I related to your tale.

So, this is about the technicalities. There are some run-on sentences in here that really draw the reader out. The third sentence in the first paragraph is a good example; it would be better served as two, maybe three sentences.

While I'm on the first paragraph, it doesn't need to be there. You're telling the reader what is about to happen, and not letting them experience it and work it out for themselves. Your story tells the tale; you don't need to add this.

Finally, you need to give it a thorough edit; there are quite a few errors of punctuation.

The story is a strong one, one of humanity. As a piece of writing, I feel it needs some tightening and tidying. This has the potential to be a really impactful piece.

Good luck going forward.


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20
20
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


A story about a possessed book compelling someone to read it is always a fun set-up for a horror story.

However, this story was a difficult read. No paragraphing, misused and missing punctuation and verb tenses changing made it difficult to get into and follow. The idea of using the concept of The Purge from the film is also one to be wary of, but then it wasn't even used. Why mention it?

As far as story goes, it was all tell and no show, reading almost like an outline and not the actual story.

There is an intriguing idea here, but the delivery needs a lot of work.

Good luck going forward.


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21
21
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review' so here I am.

This is a fine piece of factual journalism. I had not been aware of these developments, and you presented the story in a strong, easy to follow manner.

I am going to say, I did a plagiarism check, and it came up as your own work - this is some good work.

My only issue is the way it is presented. The paragraph separation is inconsistent and, for a journalistic piece, there is one very long paragraph that probably could be cut. I also feel it lacks a strong concluding paragraph and some added context as to why this development is important for those unaware of the troubles in the region of Africa.

But, still, well done. Strong work. Good luck going forward.


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22
22
Review of Book 1 Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review' so here I am.

The start of a longer story, it introduces the setting, two characters and leaves the reader with a mystery. The use of oil in the lighthouse gives us a time of probably pre-1980, which then also explains the lack of technology we see around us, so good time setting without mentioning a year.

As a chapter... it is very short. And the reason is this is nearly all tell and no show. You start with an info-dump in present tense, then switch to past and just tell us what happens. There is no show. It feels almost like an outline.

Technically, the punctuation around direct speech needs a lot of work. You also use the same words over and over, which does not engage a reader.

There is a decent idea here, but it feels like it needs a lot of work to really capture a reader's attention. Good luck going forward.


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23
23
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


You said non-fiction, and the story of Edison is quite the way to inspire someone. For a dancer you could have used Fred Astaire, who was told he was short, had big ears and could dance "a little." So many examples!

The content was fine, but you did not have to include the line: "I then went onto tell her the Thomas Edison story about the invention of the lightbulb." This is because you then tell the story. It does not need an introduction, so this is redundant.

Technically, a lot of errors in punctuation around direct speech. This needs a thorough edit. You also tense jump; pick one tense and stuck to it.

A fine tale of inspiring a youngster through history, but it does need tightening. Good luck going forward.


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24
24
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


A poem with some strong personal insight. While I know it is not the best thing to assume a poet is writing from personal experience, this certainly feels that way, looking at a life that has not gone the way hoped after so long of being protected by psychological armour.

As a poem, it works except there is one point where the PoV slips from 1st to 2nd person.

However, I read poetry out loud, and some of the lines were way too long and became very awkward to read properly. It felt like they should have been split over 2 or even 3 lines. It is a free-form style, so that would not have made a real difference to the poem's content.

So, a good poem, but one I feel could do with some tightening. Good luck going forward.


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25
25
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This came up on "Read & Review" so here I am.

A very important concept, and you have tackled it with a minimum of emotion, putting forth the ideas and facts and your own opinions in a straight-forward manner without brow-beating a reader.

You have followed the structure of a standard essay well. I do like your opening as a description; that is different, makes it stand out, and helps to draw a reader in. You have also included a strong conclusion, collating the points you have made. I think, when it comes to content, the second-to-last paragraph almost felt like a mini-essay of its own. It is like you have two concepts - why the forests need to be saved and who can do the saving - and tried to mash them together.

Still, a good essay here, on a subject that needs more people to listen. Good luck going forward!


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