I read both poems and will review them together here. I see a pattern of questions that seem to take away from the poem itself (especially in the other poem). Questions that may be answered by a "yes or no" are generally out of place in a poem. You may try simply answering the question without ever stating the actual question. The strongest section is the latter half of "Alter Ego".
There is potential in your words. Loosen up and write freely. Choose something, a memory that stirs heavy emotions as you ponder upon it. Then just write down those feelings. When it comes from the heart you cannot miss.
A painful yarn ending in despair. Frustration for some intentional malice perputrated upon a poor unfortunate soul. Feelings of inadequacy pervade clouding out all hope, all help. Very sad.
I found your poems on the side bar sitting over the title of one of mine in the 'Read a Newbie' section.
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Delightful, well done, well done!(and I am not fivolous with my exclamation points)"I become, what I do not stand against" an old truth stated in a new way to my ears. The imagery is very strong, very introspective. I will definately chech out more of your work as I hope you do mine. Read "The Other Twelve", you may enjoy it.
Stephendedalus
I liked the poem very much. I was able to visualize the beach-houses & a girl's commencement into the world of poetry. The images were nice & so to the flow. I will briefly mention a couple things for you to look at: since it is not an essay, the first word in the 2nd & 3rd stanzas could be eliminated, the final thought in the 1st stanza about drowning seems a bit unclear or maybe it could simply be worded better. The final two stanzas are strong and I enjoyed them very much. Hope to read a review from you. Stephendedalus
I am not trying to be harsh but I felt nothing while
I read this poem. That is why I write poetry (if I must have a reason). To make others feel, to sculpt or give birth to another's intermost thoughts and secrets. To inspire some one to create more and even greater art which may in turn inspire more art in some never ending cycle. To be only one small link in this chain makes the work significant.
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Try ignoring the rhyme scheme and write what you feel deep down where no is allowed but you. The more emotion it stirs the better the poem will turn out. The rhyming can be done later if you still feel it necessary. But what is most important is that you express yourself truely. Be daring, even if you let no one else read it, at least you will have it for yourself.
Beautiful like a child's whispered pleas; beautiful as a petalless flower; beautiful in its severity; beautiful in its essence of reality. Beautiful, for there is a paradise, a heaven awaiting us as we perish, no matter how that end comes.
Thank you for the review on "The Other Twelve". I would enjoy it if I heard from you again.
Stephendedalus
Nice twisted ending. You had me totally sucked in to your nice story book tale. I had just read the newsletter put out by you and the sweet and harmless poems by Ella Wheeler Wilcox. I was prematurely assuming your writing was going to follow her lead. And it did some what until that "beautiful" ending. Please review one of my poems; Stephendedalus- a newbie.
Excellent theme, especially for the times we live in. Some of the rhymes are a bit obvious, or maybe simple is the correct word. But over all a very nice poem. If you enjoy rhyming poetry, please review my "A Race to the Mailbox" 1246548 or a non-rhyming one like "But the boy, what about the boy" 1245641
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