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141 Public Reviews Given
174 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My reviews are honest but supportive and contain some story and copy editing. They are not shallow but serious; sometimes lengthy if the item reviewed requires it.
I'm good at...
Fiction & biographical works.
Favorite Genres
Science Fiction & Fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Bloody, chainsaw horror.
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Novels and Novellas.
Least Favorite Item Types
I like poetry but I'm not very good at reviewing it. I'm best at prose.
I will not review...
Will look at just about anything.
Public Reviews
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Review of Them Buttons  Open in new Window.
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a review of "Them ButtonsOpen in new Window. written by: Genipher Author IconMail Icon }

For the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.
By: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
I had to look through your stuff for another laugh.

First Impressions
Excellent writing and style. You captured the vernacular perfectly. At least to a person who has never seen the likes but on them there tele.

What I Like Best
Use of the repeated phrase of the kind, "Not the insect, mind you, but the letter."

Final Thoughts
I could not see anywhere than needs a second look. It was a great laugh all the way through. Your reveal was great. Usually I review stories taking hours, but this was a perfect flash after all.

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2
Review of Paying the Piper  Open in new Window.
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sehr intersant. Verstehen sie Deutch?
Ich hatte ein bisschen Deutsch in der Universität.
3
3
Review of Illegal Alien  Open in new Window.
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review of "Illegal AlienOpen in new Window. written by: Genipher Author IconMail Icon

For the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.
By: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
I selected your story from the list for this month Power Reviewer's RAID. Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work will of course decide the relevance of any points make.

First Impressions
The dialog struck me first as excellent. Very amusing flash fiction, and well written. It's barely over three-hundred-fifty words so the review will be comparatively short.

What I Like Most
I liked the banter and building number of idiocies heaped on our hapless traveler.

Thoughts and Suggestions
Some of the story doesn't make sense, but that isn't vital because of the intent. Like, why would the Earthling be told how bad it will be in front of the judge when the wolves are going to tear him or her apart before appearing? Another, the officer did not in fact mention they had zero tolerance with illegal aliens like he claimed.

Final Thoughts
This was a crack up, and had me rolling. It's so like my snide style it's spooky. There were not any technical issues, and you accomplished what I feel was your intent: a flash fiction and a good laugh. Your delivery is nearly perfect. It could be considered ready for publication. Only 1/2 a star was deducted due to the contradictions mentioned. I like the story, even if humorous, to fit together. I'm an engineer; what can I say? Oh, and thanks for making me laugh.

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Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Introduction
I'm reviewing this next chapter at your request. Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work will of course decide the relevance of any points I should. On longer stories, like this one, I may point out some grammar, technical, or word choices and leave repeat similar considerations to you.

What I Liked Best
The efficiency of words and the concise story telling I liked best. It's a well written short story. Also the reveal by code the ancient nature of the AI, though not all readers will understand that.

Suggestions, At-A-Boys, and Comments
The Moon, 2218

The departing single-engine shuttle appeared as little more than a speck of white on the black vastness of space compared to the forty-kilometer This size is unrealistic. Five maybe? wide flagship hovering above the surface of the Moon. The Intelligence was so enormous that its shadow blotted out the sun over the sprawling moon base below: Huangdi Luna, nerve center of the Fourth Realm, dwelling-place of the Leader himself. The base was now as much of a fixture in the night sky as the satellite on which it was constructed, and it sent a clear message of ultimate power to those pockets of resistance still struggling to survive on the frigid, irradiated Earth.

Aboard the shuttle, Supreme Admiral Crois, Commander of the Western Fleet, The Western Fleet? How does that work when you own the entire Solar System? West of what? Perhaps the 7th or Artarian Fleet. was eating solid food for the first time in over a century: filet mignon, a delicacy in Crois’s time. He was just over two hundred years old, almost as old as the Leader. As a young man Crois had helped forge the Fourth Realm. Now he was its most ruthless enforcer.

Two days ago, he had occupied a frail old body dependent on cybernetic organs to survive. That body had died in a terrorist bombing in New Orleans, and his scientists had transferred Crois’s cranial implant into the body of that same terrorist, dead from a bullet to the head, rescuing the Supreme Admiral’s consciousness from annihilation.

In the short spaceflight to lunar orbit, Crois had taken advantage of his new young body in all sorts of ways. He had long forgotten the simple joy of running down a hallway. The rush of air over his face, the satisfaction of healthy legs pumping beneath him – it brought back memories of childhood, a simpler time when trees were green and oceans blue.
I was wondering if the transfer was so easy, why hadn't the Admiral transferred into a younger body a hundred years ago? Maybe this was never done before. If I think of it, so will other readers.

The Supreme Admiral had already forced himself on several female subordinates. He knew it was wrong – genetic analysis of his host body revealed African DNA in excess of 10%, and race mixing was a serious crime in the Fourth Realm – but he could not help himself. At least he had taken steps to ensure a child could not result from such bestial unions.

Crois was so enamored with his new life that he had barely noticed the subtle glitches in his implant’s functionality. Even now, as his shuttle descended into the cavernous main docking bay of Huangdi Luna’s spaceport, strange thoughts intruded on his neural network. He would look over at his guards, elite soldiers in fearsome green armor, and be overcome with loathing and an almost irrepressible desire to kill them all where they sat. The urge was disquieting, but not unreasonable. These were, after all, the same guards who had utterly failed to protect him in New Orleans.

Their clearance acquired, the shuttle landed soundlessly in the docking bay. Supreme Admiral Crois disembarked down the long ramp unfolding from the exit hatch. The greeting party, a squadron of black-helmeted Escort Command, led him from the brightly lit chromium hangar down a maze of subterranean tunnels. They passed several security checkpoints and were ushered into a final dank passageway with exposed rock walls. The air was thick and stank of sulfur. At long last Escort Command stood back and Crois entered through a set of thick, rumbling blast doors into the audience chamber of their Leader.

The room was unlit, and became pitch black once the blast doors closed behind him. Crois could not see two feet in front of him, but he could feel the awesome presence of his master.

Crois heard the Leader’s voice; not spoken, but rather inserted like a needle directly into the Supreme Admiral’s implant. Thanks for coming, Bill, he said.

“Hail, Leader!” Crois said, clicking his heels.

Do you know why I invited you here? the Leader asked.

“I do, my Leader.”

You’ve been a naughty boy, Bill. A naughty little nigger boy, nigger nigger cheeseburger FUCK!

The Leader’s last expletive reverberated so loudly in Crois’s head that he winced in pain. Taken aback by the outburst, the Supreme Admiral stammered before replying, “The transfer of my implant to this impure host, my Leader, was done without my knowledge or consent. Our chief medical officer believed that saving my life was more important than adhering to the values of your Directive. You should know, she paid for that mistake with her life.”

Hypocrite, the Leader said. Your continued existence insults me. It insults the whole fucking Fourth Realm. Why didn’t you do the honorable thing and kill yourself, you worthless maggot ridden pile of shit?

It was a fair question. Crois considered it. Was it simply his desperate desire to re-experience the delights of the flesh? No – it was something else, something deeper, an innate drive toward self-preservation that was antithetical to the implant’s programming. The whole purpose of the implant was to destroy the entitlement of the individual, the selfishness that had doomed Earth’s democracies centuries ago. Subservience to the Leader was the central tenet of the Directive, yet Crois felt no loyalty to him in that moment. The revelation rocked him to his core.

Rotten maggoty SHITHEAD ape fuck bitch cunt fucking Jews, the Leader said. What do you have to say for yourself, Bill?

“I will accept whatever fate you decide for me, my Leader,” Crois said in a small voice. “I merely thought that I could be of further use to you. Perhaps we could transfer the implant once again, into a more suitable –“

LIAR! the Leader roared, so loud that it would have burst Crois’s eardrums if there had actually been any sound. Are you high? You DARE lie to ME? I can read your mind, you dumb fuck! I see the treason in there, festering like a tumor. I can read the minds of anyone with an implant, anyone on the WHOLE FUCKING PLANET!

You can’t read mine, you sumbitch, another voice said from deep within Supreme Admiral Crois’s mind.

The Leader did not seem to hear this voice. He was quite preoccupied heaving with inconsolable (word choice, inconsolable.) rage. Peanut butter GAS THE KIKES herp derp, the Leader was saying. The tirade of nonsense sounded like a coughing fit. Die in a fire fork up the ass nigger chat-bot HEY! BUSH DID 9/11! Rights for whites rights for whites rights for whites … That's a weird rage rant, done on purpose of course. You certainly made your point. *Smile*

The Leader trailed off. If he had lungs, he would have been catching his breath – but all Crois could hear was the excited whirr of a computer server’s cooling fan.

He’s out his damn mind, the voice within Crois said. Your boss is a two hundred year old computer program who’s gone completely nuts, and all y’all Wireheads do whatever he says, no questions asked. Can you see how stupid that is, Bill?

Crois screamed, and the sound reverberated on the moon-rock walls. His consciousness was the rope in a game of tug of war, and he had a sick, sinking feeling that it was stretching to its breaking point.

The voice continued. Is it okay if I call you Bill? It’s a swell name, the one your momma gave you, and I’d rather call you that than ‘Crois,’ if you don’t mind. I’m Redshank, by the way. Thanks for keeping my body warm for me.


***


The Leader recognized then that something had changed. Crois had become a threat. He could not compute how or why, not with all his processing power, and it terrified him. Without delay, he deactivated Crois’s implant.

Supreme Admiral Crois immediately ceased to exist. The Leader waited for his audio receptors to pick up the satisfying thud of a corpse upon the moon rock floor – but no such sound came. He cranked up the ISO on his visual feed, bringing the dark audience chamber into grainy view.

The figure before him was profoundly relaxed, a stark contrast from Crois’s ramrod-straight military bearing. The Leader ran a quick diagnostic on the Supreme Admiral’s implant. Crois was gone, but the device itself was still functioning. The terrorist’s consciousness had somehow survived a gunshot to the brain, and reasserted its dominance over the host. How was that possible?

The terrorist’s eyes lit up like a cat’s as he activated the night vision feature on Crois’s implant. A look of grim purpose came over him; he hurried to the server containing the Leader’s central processing unit and began to take it apart piece by piece.

The Leader was overwhelmed by panic. The onrush of unbridled horror flooded his emotional relays, freezing him to a nearly catatonic state. He attempted to contact the implants of Escort Command just outside, to no avail. It was as if help could be called with the push of a button that was just out of reach. And as the terrorist disassembled him, the Leader could feel his functionality slipping away.

Wait, he pleaded. You don’t know what you’re doing.

The terrorist ignored him. He had torn the housing off the ancient server and was now disconnecting wires.

Stop. Please, stop. The Leader could feel his programming, even the precious Directive that governed the Fourth Realm, ebbing into oblivion. There is … a contingency … I can’t die …

“Sure you can,” the terrorist said. “You’re dying right now.”

You don’t … understand, the Leader said. It was his last thought before the terrorist unplugged the integrated circuits that held the data comprising his memory.

His sense of self was extinguished. He no longer thought of himself as the Leader of anything, or even as a “he.” All that remained of the artificial intelligence that had commanded the greatest empire the solar system had ever known was its most basic software laid bare:

{% extends "layout.html" %}
{% block body %}
<ul>
{% for user in users %}
<li><a href="{ user.url }">{ user.username }</a></li>
{% endfor %}
</ul>
{% endblock %}

In the instant that Redshank Lirette, rebel outlaw and dead man walking, finally popped the aged CPU from its casing and crushed it underfoot, an alert went off on another computer, thousands of feet below, located in a shaft drilled deep within the mantle of the Moon. This computer was connected to a one thousand megaton atomic bomb.

The contingency took effect, and a countdown began.


***


The winter of 2219 hit what was left of New Orleans hard. The ice fields over the Upper 9th froze into a single glacier. Seals sunned on ice floes down the bayou winding through the archipelago of debris that was once the Central Business District. Before the tsunami, there were eight square miles of city above water. Now only the riverside half of the French Quarter remained afloat. Bourbon and Decatur streets were shorelines overlooking an icy open ocean, and all but the hardiest buildings had been dashed to bits and swept out to sea.

From the air, New Orleans looked like little more than an iceberg filthy with litter, and Captain Illych Albanov of the freighter Lei Feng said as much to his laconic American passenger. “You will not find your friends here, cowboy. They are dead, or they are gone.”

“Land there,” Redshank Lirette said, pointing to a block of Toulouse Street where the rubble was not piled so thick.

Albanov landed gingerly, grumbling in Russian about a bargain and how this was not a part of it. As soon as the landing gear had deployed and settled, Redshank threw open the egress to the exit hatch and hopped out. Cold air surged into the heated cabin. After some shouts of annoyance from the crew, the Lei Feng’s navigators rushed forward and pushed the heavy door shut behind him.

Redshank trudged shivering and alone into the house on Royal Street he had once called his own. The roof was open to the air and the floor was packed with snowdrifts. The other rebels were long gone, but that was no surprise. They would have packed up and made for higher ground as soon as they saw the blast.

He looked around, hoping that they had left a note for him, which was absurd. They thought he was dead – and he was, in a way. He would have died twice if Crois’s implant hadn’t granted him absolute authority over almost every Wirehead soldier in the moon base. He would have saved them if he had known what the Leader’s contingency entailed.
It's your story and leaving things to be considered by your readers is common in short stories. Still, I'd like the story to explain how he escaped not knowing the "Contingency." Why hurry if he didn't know. He might believe he could have used the control over the wire heads to help the rebels in many ways. The contingency had a long timer? Why? I'd think the Leader would set it to blow immediately.

That asshole bot, Redshank thought.

The wind picked up, whipping the snow sideways into soft little bullets that stung his cheeks. Redshank was turning to head back to the ship when he caught sight of some scratches in the wood of the front doorframe. He looked closer. It was a carving, relatively fresh, definitely less than a year old.

Three letters: “GTT.”

Redshank smiled. It was an old outlaw saying, used almost four hundred years ago by Southern men on the lamb. They would carve these letters into their doors so that their kin would know they had “Gone to Texas.”

I’m comin, y’all, Redshank thought, and ran back to the ship.

After lifting off, Albanov engaged the Lei Feng’s primary thrusters, propelling the freighter along a northwestern trajectory. To the south the moons were rising, two big chunks of rock surrounded by countless smaller shards.

Final Thoughts
Very good job here. This chapter had few grammatical or style issues. Funny how we start weaker and get going as we continue to write. It's common among almost all writers. It's only my opinion as I thoroughly enjoyed your short story, but a bit (not much) more imagery of the places our character are in might help. I think this can be made publish ready with only a little effort. Thanks for sharing.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Introduction
I selected your story from the Power reviewer's request page. Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work will of course decide the relevance of any points I should make. On longer stories, like this one, I may point out some grammar, technical, or word choices and leave repeat similar considerations to you.

First Impressions
The goggles and quiet nature of the floating ships made me think, "Steampunk." The story is written in third person omniscient POV. The post is well written with FIRST DRAFT type errors.

What I Liked Best
The actual plot and story. Excellent! The irony of where the Admiral ends up. The well built suspense.

What I Liked Least
The few confusing items mentioned in the suggestions section.

Line by Line Suggestions
New Orleans, 2218

The guerillas said the floating blue orbs came down from gunships hovering just out of sight in the low clouds. The Quarter rats didn’t believe a word of that. They whispered that those orbs were the spirits of Voodoo kings and queens long gone by, returned to put the dying city out of its long misery.

It was cold the night the orbs came down, cold enough to freeze the dirty puddles in Jackson Square solid. The wind howled over the Elysian Fields seawall and brought in frigid air from the ice fields over the sunken 9th Ward. The streets were silent save for a soft crackle of electricity from the orbs; they were empty save except for the lone, bundled-up figure of a man ambling up Chartres Street in the French Quarter. No face was visible. A dirty white slouch hat was pulled low over his goggled eyes. Below that, fogs of exhaled breath emanated from a thick black scarf covering his mouth.
I replaced the second "save" with except. Try not to use the same word in subsequent sentences.

Redshank Lirette knew the meaning of the orbs. He had seen the routers of the Wireheads many times. It would not be long before the transport descended. Jackson Square looked to be a likely landing zone, so Redshank skipped (word choice) gingerly around the black ice on the cobblestones and entered the black-gated plaza to work his deadly magic.

A toppled statue greeted him, split into many parts. There were bits of metal horse here and there, and off to the side he saw the rider’s upper torso. He was tipping his hat, and wore an expression which may have been resolve, but now looked like the constipated countenance of a man who was long in dying. This is a good spot, Redshank thought.
Italicize internal dialog. I'm confused by the timing of the orbs from a ship already there "just out of sight," and Redshank waiting for a ship to arrive.

When the charges were set, Redshank Lirette walked backwards toward St. Ann Street, letting the firing line wire leading to the explosives unspool from his detonator, which was an old-fashioned miner’s blasting machine. He ducked into the ruins of a restaurant and climbed to the second story, taping down the line as he went. And Then he waited.

An hour passed, then two, and in that time Redshank only moved to once in a while to bring a flask of whiskey to his chapped lips. His eyes were continually fixed on the overcast night sky. Moonlight was still trickling through the clouds. When the light was obscured, he would know that the transport was coming.

Sleep beckoned but he fought it off. Where were they? What was the delay? With less than an hour left before daybreak, Redshank began to think that something had gone wrong. Perhaps he had been discovered. But in that case, why didn’t they simply destroy him with an airstrike?

He was about to head down and defuse the bomb when the moonlight finally went out. Redshank’s whole body tensed. He curled his hand over the plunger of the blasting machine Machine is not the correct word. Research this.. Reaching low with his other hand, he popped the push button lock of his holster, freeing the old Glock 72 hanging at his waist.

A windowless, matte black monolith of a craft ruptured the clouds. No sound heralded its approach, as its engines ran totally silent. It fell with deliberate steadiness, and lighted down on Decatur Street with a resounding crash, crushing one side of the wrought iron fence that encircled the Square.

Redshank Lirette swore. They had landed too far away to be destroyed by his hidden explosives hidden in the wreckage of the toppled statue. At best, he would singe the hull of their ship.
Watch wordiness.

The exit hatch of the transport fell open with a whoosh of pressurized air, and the orbs that floated along Chartres Street became brighter and crackled more loudly. Redshank had a quick decision to make. If he abandoned the mission and fled on foot, he risked leading the enemy back to the other rebels. He had no doubt that the Wireheads would quickly find his explosives. He had been careful not to leave any of his DNA on the firing line or the blasting machine, but even so, the Wireheads had methods of tracking that put a seasoned guerilla like Redshank to shame. And if he followed through with the plan, he might take out some Wireheads – but a whole transport full of others would be waiting just beyond the fireball’s reach. It meant almost certain death.

He turned the options over in his mind as the first of the Wireheads emerged from the hatch and tromped down an unfolding gangplank. They were soldiers, armored and helmeted all in blue – the vanguard, securing the area.

Rifles up, tactical flashlights on, the soldiers swept across the Square. Redshank’s heart pounded in his chest. He watched one of them stop at the statue. The blue helmet dipped in consideration. A blue boot kicked at some rubble, sending it scattering. The Wirehead stared right at Redshank’s firing line – then looked past it, and shone his flashlight at the charred husk of St. Louis Cathedral next door.

Redshank’s head swam alarmingly, and he realized he had not breathed in more than thirty seconds. He took a gulp of air. The Wirehead had missed it! Their implants perfected the senses; they could magnify their vision at will; but underneath the programming, they were still human, and all too capable of error. Not for the first time, Redshank wondered if a powerful loa or two had taken a keen interest in him.
I don't know what a loa is. Will your readers?

His resolve hardened. His grip on the plunger tightened. In the end, he knew, he had no choice but to light the bastards up. The Wireheads could not be allowed to find the others. His own life meant nothing – the Cause meant everything.

More helmeted soldiers, two or three dozen, poured from the transport. Most wore blue armor, others in yellow and green, denoting officers of higher rank. They set up a perimeter around the transport and stood at rapt attention.

They were followed by a group of civilians richly adorned in colorful robes, the heads of both sexes shaved clean as was the Wirehead custom. The civvies turned on their heels and knelt in supplication as a final figure disembarked – it was a shriveled old man, and the sight of him filled Redshank with sublime terror.

Supreme Admiral Crois was rumored to be over two hundred years old. Even from a distance, Redshank could see that most of his anatomy had been replaced by cybernetics. Both legs and one arm were fully mechanical, and a flat respiratory mask was installed over what had once been his nose. A series of tubes extended from key organs and arteries toward a sleek medical capsule floating behind him that removed waste and injected vital liquids.

Hope surged in Redshank, banishing his fear. The Commander of the Western Fleet was here, mere feet from a payload of rebel explosives.

Crois moved forward with surprising agility, heading for the cathedral, and the assembled troops fell in step around him.

The column of troops turned to move around the wrecked statue. Redshank put the slightest pressure on the plunger, anticipating the moment. Five more seconds, and Crois would be close enough to vaporize utterly. He began to count down.

Five. Four. It was easily twenty below, but Redshank felt hot, almost feverish, and sweat poured off him.

Three. Two. The Supreme Admiral was passing the bomb now. One more step, and he would be directly over it.

One.

“Fuck all y’all!” Redshank Lirette cried, and depressed the plunger. Nothing happened.

Misfire!

Panic, red and blinding, took hold as every Wirehead in the Square looked up at Redshank’s hiding place in unison, their ocular arrays whirring to regard him.

A moment later, the mechanized voices of the officers filled the predawn air, barking orders, and Supreme Admiral Crois was whisked away by his guards.

Redshank pushed the plunger down again and again. “Come on come on come on!”

Rifle fire strafed the restaurant, shattering the windows around him. A bullet bit the shoulder of Redshank, propelling him back, away from the blasting machine.

He screamed, a deep animal sound, and pulled himself over broken glass back toward the detonator, lead whizzing inches above him. He could hear the soldiers’ boot heels pounding the staircase. He could not be taken alive, of course. That was inconceivable. “One more time,” he said. One more try before I kill myself. Maybe the loas were with him still, and Crois had not made it back to the ship quite yet.

With a heave, he grabbed the plunger and pumped it up and down with one fluid motion. The inner workings of the blasting machine, frozen nearly solid in the hours of waiting, had finally been warmed by the friction of the pumping.

The explosion was awesome and immediate. Mechanized screams died in burning throats. Flames licked Redshank’s face, and the building shook. Ancient plates fell off ancient deteriorated walls and shattered. The wrought iron galleries were blazing, and looked like an artful network of red hot pokers.
I replaced the second "ancient" with deteriorated. Try not to use the same word in subsequent or the same sentence.

The first few blue Wirehead soldiers appeared in the stairwell of the second story. The right hand of Redshank Lirette moved in a blur. The Glock cleared leather, and fired thrice from the bloody, glass-strewn floor. The sounds reports of each shot could not be discerned – it seemed more like a continuous roar of sound to all within earshot. The range was too close for the Wireheads’ armor to protect them. Three of the soldiers stumbled back, the faceplates of their helmets ruined; and as they fell lifeless, blood sprayed in geysers Maybe in a movie. from the smoking holes in their digitally enhanced brains.

Even before the blue soldiers had clattered to the floor, an officer in yellow was behind them, firing a submachine pistol from the hip. Redshank shot him in the belly. The officer grunted and pitched forward, so Redshank shot him again through the top of his helmet.

He heard a loud, fiery hiss behind him, and in turning spotted a score of green soldiers with jetpacks landing on the still-flaming gallery. He fired wildly – if he killed any, he never knew. Two bullets tore through his chest, and his own arterial blood spat up to soak his coat and spatter on his face.

The pain nearly paralyzed him, but he needed to act fast. They could revive him, turn him into a Wirehead, but only if his brain was intact. He was surrounded, and it was the end.

The soldiers in front were past the stairwell and running toward him now, firing mercilessly. Redshank Lirette was shot seven more times in the second it took for him to put the pistol into his mouth.

I love you all, he thought, and squeezed the trigger.
Italicize internal dialog. Who you all does he love—the soldiers? Of course not. Will your reader know?

There was a flash then everything stopped.


***


Supreme Admiral Crois regained consciousness in slow, sluggish steps. His neural interface revealed his surroundings sense by sense, first presenting him with a pixelated view of a room he recognized as the executive medical bay of his flagship, the Intelligence. Touch and taste came next, in rapid succession. He felt heavy, cumbersome, pained by cramps. His throat was dry and his tongue felt like sandpaper. Then smell returned, a cloying metallic aroma and a body odor he did not recognize stinging his nostrils.

My … nostrils? he thought.

The first thing he heard was a voice. “Welcome back, my lord Admiral.”

Dr. Scilda Teeme, the chief medical officer of the Intelligence, was sitting at his bedside. She smiled when their eyes met.

“What has happened?” Crois asked in a voice that was not his own. Had they drugged him? His voice was deep, slow, vaguely accented.

“Try not to speak, my lord,” Dr. Teeme said, the lenses of her ocular arrays adjusting in size. “Allow me to explain. There was an explosion. Your medical capsule was destroyed, and unfortunately you did not survive. We were, however, able to recover your implant and install it into a new host.”

The Supreme Admiral looked down at his new body. It was taller, stronger and far younger than his old one. “You have done well, Dr. Teeme,” he said.

Teeme beamed. “Thank you, my lord.”

Crois lifted his medical gown and admired his nakedness. His penis was thick and uncircumcised, a welcome change from the half-mechanized, permanently flaccid acorn he had contended with since the mid-21st century. He had an urge to take Dr. Teeme right then and there, but decided against it. A Supreme Admiral could do better.

His tanned hands drifted to several small, newly laser-stitched wounds dotting his chest, stomach, and thighs. “Whose body is this, doctor Doctor?” Capitalize doctor when addressing her by title.

“I regret to say,” Dr. Teeme said, “that we were forced to work quickly and only with resources that were readily available downside. An implant as old as yours cannot function long without a host, I’m afraid.”

“Answer the question,” Crois said.

“It is the terrorist from New Orleans, my lord. The one who detonated the bomb,” she said, a bead of sweat trickling down her bald head.

“I trust you ensured the terrorist was racially pure before transferring the implant?” Crois asked.

Dr. Teeme hesitated before speaking. “In our genetic analysis, we detected African DNA in the amount of eleven point nine seven perce–“

With a thought, Crois deactivated Teeme’s implant. Her eyes darkened. She slumped, swayed, and then crumpled, thudding to the medical bay floor.

As he watched her die, Crois considered his emotions. He felt no sentiment toward his old body, though it was far purer than the mongrel one he now inhabited. Despite this, he could not help experiencing a profound sense of loss. His implant had preserved his memories and saved his consciousness – or had it? Perhaps it merely copied him. Was he artificial? A proxy Supreme Admiral Crois?

He stood. Grabbing at the wall to steady himself, he made his way to the nearest window. The Intelligence was in orbit over the decaying Earth. Mentally accessing the implants of the ship’s pilots, he saw that they were bound for Huangdi Luna, the imperious imperial palace in the Sea of Tranquility. The Leader himself had requested Crois’s presence. The Leader would not take kindly to the impure host, but the Supreme Admiral did not dare deceive him. His own life meant nothing – the will of the Leader meant everything.

Final Thoughts
This is a well written first draft of an initial chapter. The hook was set by the admiral's new body. You are a talented story teller. Thank you for sharing your work with me.

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for entry "Dead SoldiersOpen in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a review of "Dead SoldiersOpen in new Window. written by: Escape Artist Author IconMail Icon

For the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.
By: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
Thank you for purchasing my five chapter reviews. Getting novels looked at is difficult. That is why I placed these in the auction package.
Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work, will of course, decide the relevance of any points I make. My reviewing procedure consist of two readings. The first is to gather overall and first impressions, look for the hook, and examine overall story consistency. The second is to look for story editing and copy editing points and make suggestions. On longer stories, I may point out some grammar, technical, or word choices and leave repeat similar considerations to you.

First Impressions
The prologue and chapter one are not on the list of five. The back of the book blurb for the overall novel does not sound military in nature. The character introduced here, is a Black Ops Colonel giving this chapter military attributes.
This chapter is well written with few grammar errors, and appears to be a third or above draft by the clean nature of the narration. The voice is third person limited.

Line By Line
Groom Dry Lake, Nevada

Colonel Samuel Remy reclined in his handmade Italian chair, eying a half-empty Budweiser longneck teetering on the edge of his desk. He reached for the bottle, drained it, then tossed it into a dark corner, receiving a hollow clank as it landed in a trash can already sprouting an amber forest of empties.

"Another dead soldier," he murmured.
Your description is excellent, the perfect balance of imagery and words. I love your metaphor.

Bored beyond his usual Friday night self-imposed delirium, Sam lifted a half-filled tumbler to the light, admiring the way the ice cubes sparkled through the ocher tint of Johnnie Walker Red.
If I understand what you are trying to convey, beyond might not be the best word choice: consider despite instead.
Then he dropped the precision-weighted crystal and watched it fall twelve inches before landing flat on the desk with a solid thump. A few drops of liquid splashed over the rim, landing on his new shirt. He dabbed at the stain then gave up with a long sigh, lacking the energy for even a small tantrum. The evening was not going well.

The chair's smooth leather fit Sam's form like a baseball in a well-used glove. His left foot rested on the edge of a solid Egyptian ebony desk carved with intricate cartouches depicting the dynasties of the Pharaohs. The desk had been a gift from President Anwar Sadat only a month before his assassination...a job Sam had declined.

Sam took a long puff on the well-chewed stogie protruding like a cancerous appendage from the corner of his mouth. He eyed a wooden box on his desk, then flipped it open, revealing cigars of impressive girth cased in clear plastic tubes. The inside lid bore a hand-written inscription: Sam. These are my brother's finest from the upper island plantation. Enjoy. Fidel.

Sam's eyes closed, fluttered open, and then closed again. Half drunk, and past midnight, he knew the memories would come, his last mission replayed like a dormant virus waiting for a weakness. Like so many times before, he let them take over with a long, submissive sigh.
I think your metaphor, like a dormant virus waiting for a weakness, doesn't quite fit. You metaphor implies a big one time surprise attack. Like so many times before, shows it a recurring PTSD reaction.

*****

Faces coalesced as his team moved through smoke and flame, the village of Srebrenica, Bosnia their backdrop. The structures that were not reduced to smoldering ruins stood frozen in time...a patchwork of rough-hewn stone and wood hovels fronted by mud streets. Sam shrugged off a chill as he and his team approached the medieval fortress lording over the carnage. Images of bloody feudal lords and dark-age misery oozed from its ancient stone walls, now pocked and peppered with the scars of modern war. Once inside, he went about his work with practiced intensity, but troubled by a curious sense of dread he hadn’t been able to shake all day. His dread soon became problematic.
His dread soon became problematic, does not agree with what happens. The statement implies that the dread itself results in the coming problem. Here are some possible rewrites that I think match your intention:
His dread was soon verified.
The reason for his dread would soon become apparent.
His dread would soon be realized.


"Stop staring at me or I'll kill you again, you murdering bastard," Sam wheezed through clenched teeth, his face only inches from the man he had just killed. He took a silent breath and exhaled in an effort to stem the errant rush of adrenaline. His sudden outburst had broken a personal imperative to never show emotion. And there There it was again, the chill. Okay, shake it off. Move on.
Even though the Chicago Manual of Style (2010 edition) now allows sentences to begin with a conjunction such as and or but, that practice should still be avoided.

Whether they were natural-born killers, mass murderers, or just plain psychopaths, their reactions were always the same—a wide-eyed, dumbfounded gaze of surprise at the moment of death. The shocking death masks had creeped him out at first, but as years passed and Sam became more proficient at eliminating targets, their dying expressions became a telltale sign of his surgical perfection. Yet, for some reason, he had just lost his cool, his Zen. His active sonar was pinging and he didn't know why. Something wasn't right.
The above paragraph contains a comma splice (run-on sentence).

A child cried in the distance. Not a normal sob of disappointment, but a mournful wail full of fear dissolving into a haunting echo. He cocked his head, straining to identify the sound’s origin, then shook it off, knowing that any distraction from the plan at this point would mean failure for his team.

He moved through the ancient halls like a silent Nosferatu, disturbed motes of dust the only evidence of his passage. According to the intel, his last task waited behind the next door.
You and I know what intel means. Will you readers? Even at the price of compromising on reality, consider something like: According to the intelligence briefing, his last task waited behind the next door.

Moonlight beamed into the room through an iron-barred window, the vertical rods casting elongated shadows of dark and light across the floor and up the wall, bathing a sleeping man's torso in monotone striations. Sam's grease-painted visage emerged from the shadow and leaned over, poised, studying every nuance in the man's face, making sure.
To me, the above paragraph is a great use of the English language, but I'm a highly educated individual. Who is your target audience? Consider simplifying this a bit. Monotone striations? Also, the style isn't consistent throughout. Why only occasional bursts of sophistication?

3.01 | Use everyday words. Clarity is everything in writing, and concise writing depends upon your choice of words. When you describe an elevator as “a vertical transportation unit” or you refer to a leaky pipe as a “plumbing rupture,” clarity goes out the window, and so does your reader’s attention span and interest. For fiction, you can write colorful prose but still use everyday language to tell a story your readers can easily understand and enjoy. For nonfiction, communicate relevant facts in the clearest and most direct way possible without sacrificing interest. An emphasis on clarity doesn’t mean you should limit yourself to three-letter words; but use familiar, everyday words as much as possible. Avoid using obscure words most readers won’t recognize. If you have to look up a word in the dictionary, it’s safe to assume many of your readers will need to look it up too. Most won’t bother, so you may lose a large segment of your audience before they turn the page. You can add clarity to your prose by avoiding stilted and unnecessary phrasing, known in some writing circles as “gobbledygook.” Instead, use concrete words familiar to most readers and that have clear meanings.

De A'Morelli, Richard. Elements of Style 2017 (p. 25). Spectrum Ink. Kindle Edition.


The man’s eyes moved under pallid lids, dodging back and forth like trapped insects trying to escape. Age creased his face. A lifetime of harsh environments had tanned his skin to tarnished leather. His lips trembled, then curled in a sardonic grin. It seemed even in sleep he was up to no good.

Once again a child's cry reverberated through the stone corridors. Sam paused for an instant, then focused all his attention on the sleeping man, watching his chest rise with every breath, the veins on his neck pulse with every heartbeat.

A rush of air disturbed the serenity. The man opened his eyes wide in shock as he sucked in a deep gulp of air. His tongue quivered, and then relaxed, his expression of horror becoming frozen in time as the last trace of breath left his lungs with a reluctant wheeze.

Not wasting a moment, Sam pulled the ice pick from the dead general's temple. As always, just a trickle of blood oozed from the wound. He sheathed his weapon of choice and pressed the backlight on his chronometer. Four minutes and twelve seconds had passed since entering the building. Time to go.
(Time to go) is a fragment. Consider: ...entering the building—time to go.

Before he disappeared into the darkness, Sam laid his calling card on the dead general's forehead—an image of the grim reaper. Scrawled across the bottom were the words: I love my job.


*****

The memory faded. It always did. Ten long years had passed, but the excitement of the hunt, the adrenaline rush of the kill, and the frightened wail of an innocent child continued to haunt him.

Sam caressed the stump of his right leg, now just a phantom sensation at the end of his knee. His prosthesis lay on an adjacent end table, an amazing, one-off prototype of experimental Nano-hydraulic technology. Its ballistic skin, texture, and coloration was unrecognizable from the real thing; a vivid reminder to a man scarred both mentally and physically by the ill-fated mission.
Unrecognizable, needs a better word choice. Consider: indistinguishable.

Sam Remy stood six-foot-two. A sinuous rope of a man, his exercise regime never allowed his two-hundred-pound frame to harbor a noticeable amount of body fat. He glared at the starched uniform bearing a rainbow of service awards hanging outside his closet door, untouched for over a year. Is this the end, he thought. Has time finally worn me down to just memories?
Omit the hyphen between hundred and pound. It is not a compound word.

Two antique telephones sat on Sam's desk. A red phone, reportedly given to Eisenhower by Winston Churchill, connected Sam with the Special Operations Commander, General Kohl, a near mythical man who had recruited Sam twenty years before. The precious sentence contains a comma splice (run-on sentence). The phone had rung twice in the last eight years which made it an interesting paperweight in Sam’s eyes. The second phone, a white push button model, origin unknown, connected directly to the base commander, General Powell. Its ring always brought problems. Another cordless phone sat on his right along with a combination printer, scanner, and fax machine. It was used by his engineering team and rang incessantly until two weeks ago when his aircraft assembly plant shut down. At the center of the desk sat a soap stone soapstone paperweight bearing a favorite inscription: "There are always possibilities."

Waiting for a reason, for orders, had caused the adrenaline-pumping memories to resurface. Reliving a dangerous and vibrant time in his life had tweaked his self-control and he was slowly losing himself in an alcoholic haze. Years had passed since Sam had last ended the life of another human and now he was thinking about killing again. With his mind resurrecting lurid glimpses of long dormant skills, his mood had plunged into a dark place.

A phone rang, bringing Sam partly back to the moment. Its distinctive ring and a built-in blinking light gave Sam’s addled brain the surprising indication that the red paperweight had just come alive. When it rang again, he jumped, followed by an irrational urge to stand at attention. Sam gathered his composure. This was unexpected, and untimely. The general had earned his nickname in the netherworld of black ops through his supernatural ability to pull the strings of powerful men. After years of silence, the great Oz wanted to talk to Sam?
I love that last phrase!

The phone kept ringing until Sam realized the general wasn't going away despite his unbecoming condition. He took a deep breath and picked up the handset.

The background noise coming through the old receiver echoed the steady thump, thump, thump of a helicopter in flight, not the standard two-seater's that flitted around the base like angry bumblebees, but a large, heavy-lift unit with twin turbofan engines powering massive rotors.
The above paragraph contains a comma splice (run-on sentence).

Sam waited for a few more seconds then spoke loudly into the handset to compensate for the background noise. For a moment, his memory flickered, sending him back to Vietnam, flying low on an Air-Cav Air-Cavalry strike deep in country.
The same logic as for, intel, above was considered.

"Colonel Remy," he said.

The return voice was both commanding and unmistakable—a boozy, Macanudo-hushed voice that had etched itself like acid into Sam's subconscious at its first hearing. Even though he had not talked to the man for many years, the power of his persona came through the tiny speakerphone like the snap of a bullwhip.
{c:reda boozy, Macanudo-hushed Huh? Even lost me on that one.


"Get yourself together, Sam. I'm coming over to see you. Be there in five. We need to talk face-to-face. Don't you just love this spur-of-the-moment crap?"

"Not a problem sir. I'll be waiting." Sam's brain flashed to their first meeting. "You still drink bourbon, General? Schenleys, if I remember right."
I'm as impressed as the General, nice little detail there.

A curious pause gave Sam the distinct impression that he had surprised the general. Finally, the voice replied, "That's my boy," after which the line went dead. "That's my boy." After which the line went dead.
After which the line went dead, is NOT dialogue attribution, but an action tag. The comma after boy should be a period, and After should be capitalized.

Sam grabbed his prosthesis and attached it to his stub with a slight hiss of vacuum. He stood, his eyes moving from the half-empty bottle of Johnnie Walker on the desk to the trashcan full of tall boys in the corner. Sighing, he scratched his two-day stubble, bit hard on the Cuban, and summed up the situation with a single uttered one word.

"Shit."
It's your writing. I just thought the above change made the sentence concise, and powerful.

Additional Unmarked Corrections
There are a plethora of missing commas. You copy editor will fix those. When I add or remove commas, it's almost impossible for the writer to see the changes.

Final Thoughts
This chapter is very well edited, and tells and excellent story. Usually, I do not review samples this well written—congratulations. This is some of the best and cleanest writing I've seen here on WDC. Even I post first raw drafts here, which I realized only a couple of months ago, is't the best idea. Second draft minimum should be considered for posting. As you know from reading my novel, it's first draft missing the last four chapters.

If I had this chapter to read, I'd be satisfied with the quality. I would have enjoyed it. The inconsistent voice sophistication would have raided my eyebrows, but not thrown me out of the story. A couple of the, not quite right, word choices would have. You do need to wordsmith your last revision.

I give this chapter four stars. *Star**Star**Star**Star* I'm using the WDC guidelines on my rating. Five stars is ready to send to the printer for publication. Four star is a high rating. It means, great writing, some grammar and punctuation errors, with some additional considerations like the need for some corrected word choices. In other words, GOOD JOB! Thanks for sharing this with me.

Original Chapter Count: 1728 words
Time For Review: 5 hours 15 minutes

Fantasy and Science Fiction Signature by Amanda Wilcox


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Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review of "Thanksgivings Past and PresentOpen in new Window. written by: Yesmrbill Author IconMail Icon

For the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.
By: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
Thank you for your review request. This is definitely different than the speculative fiction I normally examine. Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work will of course decide the relevance of any points I should make. I may point out some grammar, technical, or word choices and leave repeat similar considerations to you.

First Impressions
There are two versions of Thanksgiving celebration expressed in first person voice. The number of typos and spelling errors indicates a first draft.

Line By Line
1


When I was a child in the 1950's, my most favorite thing was Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. At that time we lived in the New York City Borough of Queens, in the Sunnyside area. On Thanksgiving morning, we'd take the IRT # 7 Train train into Manhattan, to the Times Square Station. Then we'd take another train uptown, and watch the Parade parade from the Central Park side of Central Park West and 72nd Street, directly across the street from the Dakota Apartment Building.

At that time, the Parade parade was not the extremely overproduced TV extravaganza that it has become. The original movie "Miracle on 34th Street" begins with views of the Parade as it was then; a comparatively modest celebration, with a few balloons, floats and bands. Capitalize ONLY proper nouns.

There were celebrities on the floats at that time. I remember one Thanksgiving, when the comedian Jackie Gleason was Grand Marshal. As the float carried him along Central Park West, he looked up at the people watching from their windows, many still wearing their bathrobes.

He called up to them, "Hey you people up there! Put some clothes on!"

Another thingAt that time, except for the celebrities and technicians, everyone who participates participated in the Parade is parade was a Macy's Employee employee. I remember a few years ago, there as wasa report about people being outraged that Macy's was not going to be opened, right after the Parade. Select a voice and tense and stay consistent. Some of my corrections above are to standardize the tense.

Come on now! Their employees had all been up since before midnight!

What do people expect Macy's Management to tell their employees?

"Okay! You've got 15 minutes to hand in those baloons balloons, get out of those costumes, and get the Store open! Okay! Make that 20 minutes!"
Some people are selfish jerks, but I didn't know the participants were all Macy's employees.

As I said, we watched the Parade parade at the corner of 72nd Street and Central Park West. A few years ago, as they went past that spot, the handlers lost control of the Cat in the Hat Baloon balloon, in a heavy wind[;] it struck a lamppost, knocking it down and injuring someone.

After that happened, there was a cartoon showing the Cat in the Hat being taken away by police in handcuffs, and put in a paddy wagon.

The caption read: "Another one of thoae those arrogant celebrities who think they can get away with anything!"
I don't understand the relevance of this statement. If this is the caption of the cartoon, let the reader know.

The Grinch was shown standing to the side, thinking[:] "And people think I'm bad! Hah!"

When I was 13[,] we moved out of the City, to the Township of Huntington, Long Island, New York; and started watching the Parade parade on television.

Now, the most favorite thing for me my favorite thing is Thanksgiving Dinner. I'll be spending the Holiday with my sister, who lives in the Village of Orient, just west of Orient Point, at the end of Long Island's North Fork. If anyone's familiar with the area, her house is within walking distance of Latham's Farmstand Farmstead.

This year, my sister said that there might not be enough room for me to stay with them. My sister and brother-in-law's guests will include my niece, her husband and their two daughters; my nephew and his daughter from his first marriage. He has married again, so his second wife will also be there, along with her two teenage daughters. Obviously there is just not enough room for Uncle Bill.

However, my sister and brother-in-law have reserved a room for me in a local motel called the Blue Dolphin. It stands in the community of East Marion, just west of Orient, beside the main road, route 25 Route twenty-five.
Route is a proper name. Except for time representations, always spell out numbers up to, and including one thousand.

Until now[,] I've only glanced at the place as we've driven past, but I've never given it any thought. It looks like a good, modest place to sleep ahd and hang my clothes, while I spend most of the Holiday at my sister's home.

There's one other benefit to staying at the Blue Dolphin, that I wouldn't have if I stayed with my sister. I will have the bathroom all to myself!

That is a very fine reason to give thanks!

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

2


Holiday Accommodations

This past week I celebrated Thanksgiving at my sister's home. She lives in the village of Orient, New York, just west of Orient Point, which is the eastern tip of Long Island's North Fork. I live in Huntington Station, Long Island, New York, which is 70 seventy miles west of Orient.

I do not drive, so for me to get to Orient, I have to take the Long Island Rail Road Railroad. Anyone who's familiar with Long Island knows that if you want to go east to Orient by railroad, you can't get there from here. You first have to go west, before you can go east.

My trip began very early last Wednesday morning. I left my house at 6:20 AM, carrying my suitcase for a 15 minute walk to the front of the nearby Walt Whitman Shopping Center, where I got on the bus that left at 6:45 and took me north for a five minute ride to the Huntington Railroad Station.
The sentence above is a comma splice (run-on).

I then took the 7:19 train west to Hicksville, where I had a 50 minute wait, during which I was able to get myself coffee at a local Duncan Donuts. I then took the 8:26 going east to Ronkonkoma, where I transferred to the 9:02 which I rode to the end of the line, arriving at 10:27 in Greenport, where my brother-in-law picked me up, and took me to his and my sister's home, which is about a 10 minute ride. This is another run-on sentence.

The problem was, as I said in my earlier entry, that there were just too many people staying with them. Along with my sister and brother-in-law, my niece came with her husband and their daughters, who are 7 and 4 years old. My nephew arrived with his 9 year old daughter from his first marriage; along with his second wife and her teenage daughter.

My nephew also brought his psychopathically psychopathic, bloodthirsty dog, who has to wear a muzzle and be kept locked up in the basement. The dog's breed is a retriever. My nephew brought him, so they could take part in the annual pheasant hunt that takes place in the rural community of Orient, every Thanksgiving morning. The problem is that my nephew’s dog not only goes after the birds; he also goes after the other hunters, and the birds they’ve bagged.

When my nephew and niece we were growing up, they had a little white doggie; very much like Snoopy. He even had the same attitude as Snoopy. He’d walk into the living room full of people; lie down on the rug and go to sleep.

That’s the way doggies should be. That’s the way that people should be. There’s no reason for all any of us to be intimidated by any "Dogosaurus Wrecks".

To get back to all those people staying at my sister's house. There house, there was just not enough room for Uncle Bill. However, my sister and my brother-in-law were able to reserve a room for me at the Blue Dolphin Resort in East Marion, just east of Greenport and a short distance from the causeway that leads to Orient.

I spent two nights at the Blue Dolphin. Until then, it was a place that I'd only glanced at as we'd driven past, but I'd never given it any thought. From the road, it looked just like another motel, but there's a lot more to it than two floors of identical rooms. The place actually is a small resort, having a restaurant/bar, with a patio and tables. It has a swimming pool and a volleyball court, along with picnic grounds with picnic tables and barbecue grills.

While that sounds like a great place to stay, the problem was that the Blue Dolphin was about to shut down for the winter, and I was the only guest staying there. All those facilities were shut down, and the entire staff was gone, except for the desk clerk. Since the place was shutting down, the local Cable Company had switched off the signal, so there was no TV in the room.

In spite of all that, there were some definite advantages. I got a very good room, just behind the office; and my sister and brother-in-law got a terrific deal on the price. Then when I got up in the morning, while my sister's house was full of people, I had the bathroom entirely to myself. That was truly a blessing for which I was able to be most thankful.

On the other hand, I was in a similar situation, to the one in the movie "Psycho". However, I didn't hear the desk clerk's mother yelling at him, so I figured I'd be okay. If I had heard her yelling, believe me, the door would have remained locked and bolted.Norman Bates had a way to enter the rooms through the walls. The locked door would not have saved you. *Bigsmile*

Anyway, the The room was just a place for me to sleep. I spent most of my time in Orient, at my sister's home. They had 16 people for dinner; and all of us helped prepare the meal, set up the tables and chairs, put out all the plates, glasses and utensils, and clean up afterwards. Avoid beginning sentences with, anyway.
Find a way to write you sentences to avoid starting with, I.

I also found out something about my nephew’s second wife. She actually teaches a college writing course. She said that she'd look over my stories and let me know what she thinks. Imagine that. Someone who actually knows how to do so properly is going to be giving feedback to about my stories. That is something that neither I, nor most contributors to writers' websites, are really sure how to do.
Avoid LY adverbs. Often, they can be omitted without affecting the prose.You will noticed I marked out all of your, actually adverbs.

This is another blessing, for which I am truly thankful.

After Thanksgiving dinner, I stayed at my sister's place, until I was ready to go to sleep. My nephew's wife drove me back to the Blue Dolphin. While we were on the way, I told her more about my stories. She is not only going to be looking at my about to be published original novel, she'll also be reading some of my stories on fanfiction.net. Most of them are based on the TV Series "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer." She said it was one of her favorite shows.

I told her, "Keep this in mind. Anyone who wants to spend time with fun loving vampire gals, remember, you've been warned."

When I got up in the morning[,] I wanted some coffee. There's a General Store, just a two minute walk down the road from the Blue Dolphin. It normally opens at 6 AM. On Thanksgiving morning I walked over, but the place was closed for the day. However, the next morning they were open for business as usual. I was able to get myself a cup of strongly flavored coffee that wasn't too hot, and a blueberry muffin.

What more of a blessing does a man need to be truly thankful?

Final Thoughts
I'm not sure if you are asking which version is better. The modern day versions are about equal. I did like the parade story at the beginning of the first. I suggest you place some detail about what was on the Thanksgiving table. You did say that was your favorite part.
You are fortunate to have a professional review your story. Perhaps she'll edit your upcoming novel. You tell a good story, but it needs detail to make us feel we are there and not just an account of events.

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Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a review of "The destruction of the kingdomOpen in new Window. written by: Naru Author IconMail Icon

For the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.
By: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
I selected your story from the review request section on the home page. Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work will of course decide the relevance of any points I should make. My reviewing procedure consist of two readings. The first is to gather overall and first impressions, look for the hook, and examine overall story consistency. The second is to look for story editing and copy editing points and make suggestions. I may point out some grammar, technical, or word choices and leave repeat similar considerations to you.

First Impressions
This appear to be a YA story about a hostile takeover of an adjacent kingdom. The mention of modern technology places the story in modern times.

Suggestions
The betrayal
In a secret room in the castle, there was a guard, a loyal high ranking guard, to be exact Avoid cliche phrases. on the phone with someone. He was tall and had shaggy brown hair and orange eyes. He proved himself pretended to be trustworthy but it was all a sham as he sat spoke on the phone with the king of another castle.
Kings rule over countries or lands, not castles. Perhaps you could say, ...on the phone with the king of a nearby country.

"Yes, they are currently unaware of our plan your majesty. Soon I will start the plan. Avoid using words (plan) too often or in subsequent sentences. Consider: I'm about to give the signal for the insurrection to begin. We must first get the queen out of the way as soon as possible." These last words should be omitted as wordy and redundant as your reader know this.

The guard then hung up once they said their goodbyes. Soon, it would be time to begin and Adrisal will fall. He hurried to the kitchen where there he spoke to a maid who was working with him on this secret plan Redundant.. He instructed her to put the drug into her majesty's water and then deliver it to her in the guise of obeying her orders for a drink. Their plan worked. Mina took two sips from the water and promptly passed out before being taken to the dungeon. There she was stripped of her crown and quality clothing. Being forced to wear tattered rags as her hands were chained to the brick wall with metal steel.

"What's the meaning of this!? Let me go this instead instant!" the dethroned queen cried out. Only to be ignored as her cell door was slammed shut. The guard was pleased, step one was complete. He immediately called the king and told him the joyful news. Meanwhile, the loyal guards and maids of the queen were murdered in cold blood and the kids were taken. They screamed, kicked and cried but sadly were no match against the big, tougher knights. Their youngest sister though, Sophia, was left behind and locked in the towers. There she was to be educated on her new role as the king's bride.

The king had finally arrived to Adrisal and watched gleefully as they dragged the queen out. Her body was covered in cuts and bruises, her hair was a mess and her eyes were red. He sneered at her before turning to address the crowd. He jeered as he spoke about the heinous crimes she committed and how she was going to be punished.

The traitorous guard smirked, keeping his grip on the former queen tight as she was forced to kneel down in front of the king who grabbed her tightly by her hair and repeatedly slapped her. She didn't say a word as she glared up at him before they brought in a strange, small object. It was inserted into her chest causing her to scream as it shone brightly almost blinding everyone before it finally stopped. There on the ground lay her former majesty the former queen. Hair dull, messy and unkempt thanks to her imprisonment and body weak from her element extraction. She stayed silent as the crowd taunted her, as the guard hit her repeatedly and as the king inserted her element into himself.

He pulled her up and told her she had two options. Accept her defeat and humiliation and pledge to be his royal servant or be sent to the dungeons and repeatedly punished for refusing. The former queen now just a normal girl bowed her head before going down onto her knees and pledging to be his servant. He smirked and made her kiss his shoes before sending her away. Then, the guard dragged Sophia over who shuddered at his presence. He spoke of their engagement and how she was now his before grabbing her tightly. She didn't say anything and just looked down in horror as she heard her castle being bombed. The citizens that wanted to go with this king had already left while the rest were captured or killed in the bombing. Sophia took one last glance at her ruined kingdom and cried as she was led off to the king's kingdom dragged off to her enemy's kingdom.

Final Thoughts
This short piece sounds like the summary of a short story with the full version yet to come. The ideas are good, though I wonder why the story setting is modern instead of medieval. Reading a lot along with writing a lot helps a writer to learn what works and gain experience. Read books in a similar genre to see how things work. Keep writing often, I see good stories in your future.

Power Reviewer Signature


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9
9
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)


Introduction
Thank you for the review request. I enjoyed discussing it with you and look forward to writing this review. Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work will, of course, decide the relevance of any points I should make. My reviewing procedure consist of two readings. The first is to gather overall and first impressions, look for the hook, and examine overall story consistency. The second is to look for story editing and copy editing points and make suggestions. On longer stories like this one, I may point out some grammar, technical, or word choices and leave repeat similar considerations to you.

First Impressions
The story appears YA with a First Person Reflexive voice. The protagonist appears to be the bad boy rebel type with problems at home.

Plot
The plot develops in a logical order based on a common theme. Boy meets girl who has a mean, violent, superstar boyfriend. The protagonist doesn't believe the girl will give him the time of day. Boyfriend drives her away. And so on. He gets power and abilities somehow and...
The twist and hook that makes me wish to continue reading the book is the "deal with the devil" does not follow the typical road. I've got to see what happens in the atypical course.

Suggestions
"That will show them," Replace the comma after them with a period. The sentence that follows is an action tag, NOT dialog attribution (he said) so should not have a comma. I hammered the last nail into place. I stared at the door numbly. I knew I should feel more than just the cold air, but I didn't. Blood dripped down from my hands. I wiped them on my pants and glanced around. It was night, so the darkness hid the stains of blood. I shuddered. I still was in shock that I had survived. I needed to keep running; that was the only thing keeping me alive.
Six out of the above ten sentences start with the pronoun, I. You may recall from English classes in school that we are to avoid using I to begin a sentence. First person voice make using I often easy, so it takes work to avoid it. There is a more important reason. You may have heard the writer's mantra, "Show, don't tell." When you use I to begin a sentence, inevitably the sentence tells something instead of showing something. Avoiding the I makes showing easier. Let me rewrite the opening paragraph avoiding the I.
"That will show them." Hammering the last nail in place, I stare at the door expecting to feel numbing
cold air—but didn't. Glancing around I shuddered, shocked to still be alive. Wiping the blood that dripped down my hands on my pants. The darkness of the starless night hid the stains of blood. I needed to keep running; staying alive depended on it.
Nine I's are reduced to three and only a single sentence starts with I versus the original five.

I stopped walking, and against my better judgment, crossed the field and entered the woods. The wind was like a girl turning somersaults. The trees like old men just sitting there waiting to die. The rain fell steadily, drenching the plants and trees. The rain was warm, yet I found myself shivering. I turned up my face to watch the individual drops fall to earth, threads of silver gleaming in the sky.
Avoid using cliche or trite phrases like, against my better judgement. If it was so dark that the blood was hidden, why was it light enough to see the rain as threads of silver?

I couldn't help but start thinking about how this life all started, only a few days ago...

My old silver car Mazda skidded around the corner and into the parking lot. Thanks to the aging tires, my wheels didn't leave a single tell-tale mark. I came to a stop inches from what appeared to be a 1989 Jaguar., then backed Backing up into a parking space across the way and kicking the car door to get it open, I felt the books dig into my back, heaving as I heaved my battered blue bag out with me.
Avoid using, then, when narrating a sequence of events.

I pushed through the school doors and went to my first period; health. My teacher sighed when I came in but didn't say anything. As usual. Slipping one headphone into my ear when no one was looking, I turned on my iPhones playlist. Nothing like some good old rock and roll to start your morning.
As usual, is a fragment. My teacher sighed when I came in but didn't say anything, as usual.

"For all of you who weren't here the first ten minutes of class[.]" She shot me a glance. "We're going to continue learning about the effects that drugs and alcohol can have on our bodies."
See the comment on the first line.

I drew a football surrounded by hellfire. Now I was getting somewhere.
It's not clear to me what he means.

Forty minutes later[,] and the teacher started handing back our last assignments. I put away my note sheet, which is now covered with everything but notes, and picked up the paper.

"That was one, two, three, four sentences[.]" I looked her dead in the eye[.] "I believe that's a paragraph."

"What?!" I jumped up from my seat. "You can't give me detention for a bad grade."
NEVER use more than one (!!, ??, !?) punctuation mark. Select the one most expressive of the feeling.

"No," She said, clearing up the desk beside me. "But but I can give you detention for repeated tardiness."

"I don't have it 'out for you' Kyle." She sighed. "I have it in for you if that's even an expression.
Be consistent on the way you emphasize the words. Choose either italics or quotes.

"The drama club? Seriously? That's beyond lame." I said, exasperated.

###
I was leaning against the walls behind the stage while the "actors" practiced their production of some Shakespeare play. I banged the back of my head against the wall repeatedly. If I hit it hard enough, could I get a concussion?
It is a good idea to place a marker at scene changes to avoid confusion, like the ### above.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed one of the actors wearing a black trench coat staring me down.
Staring me down, is a contest of will where neither want to break eye contact and often takes some time. Staring at me, would be better.

I could see that Jennifer was still standing there waiting for a response and looking at me with an 'are you okay?' look.
I could see that Jennifer was still standing there waiting for a response and looking at me with an are you okay? look.
Use italics instead of double or single quotation marks to highlight something.

"Every once in awhile a while, we need to change things on the set." She explained, waving her arms and pointing rather animatedly.
Avoid adverbs (words ending in ly) and replace the weak verb with a stronger one. The writer's mantra (show, don't tell) applies here. Show your readers she is animated.

The same "Josh Walker," that had terrorized me all throughout middle school.
Remove the quotation marks from around, Josh Walker. If you wish to emphasize his name, use italics.

But I had to admit; I understood why she liked him, and not me; I mean he was an athlete, attractive, and very well liked. And I was, well I wasn't precisely a model, I mean I had dark brown shaggy hair and matching eyes. I wore boring round glasses that resemble Harry Potter's and, thanks to puberty, had pimples scattered across my face.
These sentences are comma splices (run-on) and have incorrect use of semicolons.

I found myself casting glances at Jennifer once in awhile a while. The way she'd spoken earlier, I thought she was one of the directors or something, but she was one of the lead parts, not bad either. parts. Not bad either.
Not bad either. is a fragment. Join the last fragment to the previous sentence with a comma.

Suddenly I had the feeling that someone was watching me again. I looked around, expecting to see that creepy man in black...
Consider: A feeling of being watched grew until I looked around expecting to see that creepy man in black...
Do not use, suddenly, to introduce a incident. By using, suddenly, you warn the reader and lose the very effect you are trying to achieve.

Suddenly Jennifer was popped up beside me, a bunch of scripts in her hand. "You did well." She smiled approvingly. "What'd you think of the play our production of A Mid Summer's Night Dream?"
Your character is portrayed as not caring about plays, the name of plays, or what they are about. That is fine and consistent with his behavior. Jennifer, on the other hand would know the play's name. I picked one above, as you see. I feel it enhances her image of sophistication.

She made an angry noise. "You're just jealous because you can't participate in any of our plays. You obviously have no imagination."
Snarling, she said, "You're just jealous..."
What is an angry noise? I can think of a few. Show, don't tell.

"I should take you to the doctor's." She said.
The use of, doctor's, as written means singular possessive. What is it possessive of? Here are your choices.
...to the doctor's office. The office belongs to the doctor.
...to the doctor. A certain individual doctor.
...to the doctors. A group of doctors.


Note: The above comments are indicative of the kind of suggestions I would expect to see for the remainder of this narrative. Full detailed copy editing is beyond the scope of this review and would take considerable time. The remaining suggestions or comments shall mostly be story editing or macro observations. Consider the detailed edit examples above typical of what to look for in the remainder of your work. Complete editing of these concerns I leave to you.

"Please just let me drive you to the Doctors." She said, pleadingly. "I can take you back here after so you can get your car."
"Please just let me drive you to the Doctor," she begged."I can bring you back here after so you can get your car."
Avoid adverbs (pleadingly) and don't overuse italics.

Jennifer drove me back to the school and stopped by my car, virtually the only one left in the parking lot.
Jennifer drove me back to my car, the only one left in the lot.
Avoid wordiness. Wordiness is the use of redundant words and words that do not add to the sentence. Editors often ask authors to reduce the word count by ten to fifteen percent. This does not mean removing parts of the story, but to remove unnecessary words. Wordiness can bog down the reader. Concise writing makes the sentence more powerful without losing information. Observe my rewrite above. If Jennifer returns Kyle to his car, the reader knows that it is in the school parking lot. Many of your sentences could be improved by removing wordiness.

3.10 | Avoid redundancy. Redundancy refers to the use of unnecessary words that repeat the same thought within a sentence. In most cases, redundant words and phrases are unnecessary and merely add word clutter. This is a common problem among writers, and it can give their prose an unpolished or amateurish quality. Some redundant expressions are funny; others are downright silly. But the bottom line is, they add no value to your sentences and bog down readers in tedious repetition. You’ve probably heard the advice from a writing instructor or fellow wordsmith, “Avoid redundancy!”

De A'Morelli, Richard. Elements of Style 2017 (pp. 34). Spectrum Ink. Kindle Edition


Just then the bell rang, thus snapping me out of my thoughts and making me realize I've been just staring at Jennifer, zoned out for probably a few minutes now.
The bell rang snapping me out of my thoughts. How long had I stared at Jennifer?
This is another example of wordiness. The two new sentences contain sixteen words instead of thirty, a forty-six percent reduction. Just then, is to be avoided like, suddenly.

"Okay, well let's get a move on this project!" she said enthusiastically. Let's try this without the adverb with some show in place of tell.
"Okay, let's get a move on this project!" she said bouncing on her feet, and turning to me with sparkle in her eyes.

I lived about 2 and a half miles away from school. I hated walking. It took forever. I wished my dad hadn't needed to take my car today, but he was in the army and had to leave at 4 in the morning and usually didn't get back till late at night, or not at all.
Always spell out numbers less than one hundred except time. In this case replace ...at 4 in the... with at 4:00 in the...

Josh let go of my neck and looked back at the tree to see who I was calling to, then looked back at me after reassuring himself that no one else was around and came back with a hard right hook that threw me to the ground.
The story is written in first person. Kyle cannot know what Josh is thinking. Consider this rewrite also with wordiness reduced. Compare the two versions to assure yourself that in context, none of the information is lost with the concise version.
Josh let go of my neck and looked back at the tree. He must not have seen anyone as he came back with a right hook that threw me to the ground.

I could faintly tell I was still being pummeled in the head by the way my skull kept jerking from one side to the other. to one to one side repeatedly. Wordy.

Whatever was behind that door was a different place. A world that I didn't know. Whatever was behind that door, had different laws, different rules of reality. It was so compelling and different that is was terrifying. The world behind that door was scary, life was scary too, but at least it was the world I could understand and fathom.
Avoid using the same adjective, adverb or phrase in subsequent or the same sentence. In this case, behind the door was used in three sentences in a row.

"Can't you just send me back?!" I blurted out, stumbling back a few steps.
Never use more than on sentence ending punctuation mark. Select the most indicative for the meaning of the sentence.

The man looked as though he was considering. I gazed at him, looking hopeful and waited.
The voice of the story is First Person. Looking hopeful is what an outsider (Third Person Narrator) would say.
The man looked as though he was considering. I gazed at him, looking feeling hopeful and waited.

As noted above, I did not mark additional incidences of items I had already discussed. You will need to apply the principles through the entire story. Even in the areas of heavier suggestions, I only pointed out a few leaving most to you.

Things I Like Best
I like the different unique near death experience and the unusual deal made with the man in black. This deal is not like the cliche deal we see so often.

Final Thoughts
This is a familiar story with good twists. The readers think they know where it's going but end up surprised. You have a good imagination and can tell a story. Your grammar and writer's style are what needs to improve to achieve publication. Good writers write a lot and read a lot. The reading lets an author see what works and what does not. The daily (if possible) writing is the exercising of all our abilities to make each strong enough to create and sculpt a novel or short story. Regardless of the natural talent, writing well takes hard work.
When you have revised this chapter, I'd be happy to review it again if you desire.

Fantasy and Science Fiction Signature by Amanda Wilcox


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
10
10
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a review of "Society Killed the TeenagerOpen in new Window. written by: Black Widow Author IconMail Icon

For the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.
By: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
Thank you for requesting this review. My normal forte is speculative fiction: either short stories or novels. Poetry is difficult so take what seems to make sense and discard the rest.

First Impressions
Skimming through the poetry the first time shows a sadness in life which was caused by or resulted in illness that has been mostly dealt with alone. Even as a guy who is supposed to be resistant to strong emotion—I weep in grief.

Line by Line
Because this is poetry and difficult for me to review, I have decided to a running commentary on what I feel and understand.
Don’t romanticize illness;
Don’t romanticize self-harm.
Sadly, some of those around us do just this. "Ooo! ah!" they say. Such attitudes can tempt those of us ill with these problems to also play the tragic sick person. You see the extra misery and waste of time in both of these situations and warn against it.
If you lost all of your control,
would you then be alarmed?
You point out that playing that role or accepting being thrust into it is terrible. Wouldn't anyone who felt so out of control be terrified?
It’s the coffee every morning
that keeps you here, you find.
I still do this though I have beat the problems after years of misery. Not coffee but a caffeinated hot beverage. When I wake up, I feel so much better, at least for a while.
The rest of the time you’re crying
but it’s tears that make you blind.
I used to sob in misery that blinded me to any good around me.
You have a stack of blades
hiding underneath your bed.
Today could create world peace
but you just might end up dead.
Nothing good around you would be noticed, you're poised for your own death.
Down the hatch go twenty pills,
so I’m unaffected by their drama.
So to stop the suffering if only for a short time, you use, and feel nothing from anywhere for a time.
Then you start to see flowery hills
but it’s likely to cause you trauma.
As usual, it could make it worse.
You stare endlessly at your blank wall
trying to find some glimmer of hope,
and nobody’s there to watch you fall
as you tie off the day with some dope.
Typical result of the pill attempt.
"Snap out of it," everyone says,
but it just doesn't work that way.
I wish they would just recognize
the hurtful things they say.
Except for those who have been through it themselves, almost everyone feels you simply need to decide to change and do it. As if we are just stubborn and if they could just get us to change our minds, we would be fine.
This implies we enjoy all of this and are spinless. Of course this hurts but they do not see it. They repeat the same instructions or comments time after time as if massive repetition will make us finally believe and act.

Parents don’t communicate
as their child grows,
As we grow and can hide our illness better, many parents will deceive themselves into believing there is improvement and watch less closely. They might even hide from the truth.
and people tend to inch away
from a man in dirty clothes.
A woman talking to herself,
a young child points out.
A child who knows no evil,
just wonders what it’s about.
People move away from those they feel are different. Not always in fear; sometimes just because they do not know what to do.
Even a child can see something is different and will innocently ask to understand.

The mother makes something up
and the child thinks it’s true.
Especially is still around the different person, the parent will make something up that is also meant to make is sound like nothing to the observed differrent person.
How shocking to the mother
when the child grows up to be you.
The last two lines imply that this all happened to the poems composer and the mother found herself with a child that had the same illness and it was NOT nothing but a very big something.

Final Thoughts
The title is effective but implied the teenager dies. Metaphorically, they do because life like this is a living death. I almost always believed that where there is life, there is hope. There were also five children that I knew would be devastated as well as parents. I thank God it never happened. Most material things are lost from my life forever. My financial future is doubtful, but I am glad everyday that I finally got clean and "better." At least by the world's standards.
You poetry hit all of the points in the journey I'm very familiar with. No personal self-harm but I'm very familiar with that problem with some I've known well and cared for. No one who has not experienced this half-life will understand completely, yet you explain it quite clearly. Many will get some. Some will get all.
Thank you for asking for the review. I hope my comments are helpful.

Fantasy and Science Fiction Signature by Amanda Wilcox


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of Creatures  Open in new Window.
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a review of "CreaturesOpen in new Window. written by: Black Widow Author IconMail Icon

For the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.
By: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
Thank you for the request to review your poem. Poetry is usually written in times of great emotion and is meant to express feelings to others. I'm honored you would share this moment with me. Out of hundreds of reviews, I've only looked at poetry two other times—not my expertise. I will do my best. You have explained some things about this poem in a previous email. I will "forget" what was said for now and go only from the words here. Future readers will not have the author available for explanation and clarification.

First Impressions
Very well written with all the requisite rhymes. Hard to do—good job! Perhaps this is more than poetry. There appears to be a chorus and well timed verses so I feel this is also lyrics. The overall mood is dark and painful. With each verse, I'll describe the feelings they evoke. Hopefully that will be of use.

Line by Line
Even when I’m being honest I always have something to hide,
so I keep my fences up and keep my eyes open wide.
I'm reminded here that we all have secrets we hide. Especially addicts and those with emotional problems. I'm clean now but still hide much.

I cannot stand reality so I hide where it can’t get in,
but if reality results in pain, does that make comfort a sin?
Exactly! Reality was too painful so I hid in books and chemicals.
I never answered that question. I fluctuated between justification to guilt leading to self destruction. The unanswered question is a good one.

I can only find comfort in using things like drugs and alcohol.
With porcelain skin and glassy eyes I feel just like a baby doll.
If no matter what I try I still can’t get my thoughts to clear,
each time I take the poison it’s like my feelings disappear.
Having no prior exposure to addiction and emotional insanity, prior to my own, I didn't know this. Now I do. I recall the burying of my pain and all feelings. I was happy to just feel nothing. Nothing isn't pain. Altered or clean, I never thought clearly. Not until months of being clean did my mind begin to return. Even this past I suppressed until now. Your poem is bringing all the pain I though gone—out.

People tell me I will die if I keep taking so many pills.
Some even say peace can be found in one’s free will.
I need the poison not for pleasure or some fetish I must fulfill,
but because there are things inside of me that I need to kill.
Exactly again! I almost died a few times. Sometimes I felt that was better than having to chemical all feelings away.}

Where do you think we end up; Heaven, Hell, or neither?
And what’s your opinion on God? Personally, I’d love to meet her.
God does not want our misery but happiness. The rules of free agency require that God not interfere with our choices. We live with the consequences be they good or bad.
There is hell here on Earth. I've been there. Where we end up is yet to be determined.


These pills may cause side-effects
like sleepwalking hallucinations.
Maybe that’s the other drugs talking,
or as you call it, “self-medication.”
I get and understand the lines before this.
Of course all humans look the same
because we have all the same features;
I understand the words but do not see the deeper meaning of looking the same with similar features.
though we walk the world recklessly,
on all fours like creatures, creatures.
{c:/green}Also, very much understand and remember fulfilling the creature metaphor.

I always dreamt of being prom queen and someday, someone’s bride,
but I’m just the star of the drama best known as my suicide.
I’m far too familiar with what it feels like to be lonely,
and though I’m devoted to God, self-destruction feels so unholy.
Could not be better said. Tears fall from these memories.

My bony chest and back leave people puzzled and alarmed,
but society taught me it was normal, so I didn’t see any harm.
You are slim to the point of boniness because society teaches that is beauty.
With scars covering my body, I am a master of my own destruction.
If life really is like a highway, then this road needs construction.
You mar society's image: not sure why still looking for your reasons.

I always knew I’d be different because of the voices in my head.
They think I would look dazzling all dressed up in scarlet red,
if I put it on as a dress before I lay myself down to bed,
hands crossed over my chest like I’m lying in a casket, dead.
The above verse terrified me. I've never heard voices other than what I knew were my own thought telling me to die. I grieve and fear your description of the voices saying you are better off dead.

Where do you think we end up; Heaven, Hell, or neither?
Tell me your thoughts about God; Personally, I’d love to meet her.
See above.

You have withdrawn from society,
eyes burning from the sun’s harsh light.
With each sunrise you cast away,
then like the stars, you come out at night.
Of course all humans look the same
because we have all the same features;
though we walk the world recklessly,
on all fours like creatures, creatures.
See above.

Final Thoughts
So much of these emotions are familiar to me. Though I thought they were safely buried, your song brought them out in all their intensity and detail. Wasn't this the purpose? I am a parent but had placed my hell into a box and buried it. I need to look to my kids. Are they suffering? Thank you for sharing this with me.

Signature with fantasy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
12
12
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Often I delete the past emails of a chain for the same reason. Your inclusion of the link and brief history of Unraveled Tapestry spiked my curiosity. It took sometime to complete it through the sobbing. Beautifully written and worthy of being published—congratulations. The story has, of course, received many reviews by now so I just added my 5 stars to the others and left you this note.

Thank you for the insight into your life.
13
13
Review of The Nightmare  Open in new Window.
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a review of "The NightmareOpen in new Window. written by: JMcCulloch Author IconMail Icon

For the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.
By: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
I am pleased to fulfill your review request. Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work will decide the relevance of any points I make.

Important Note: Jade, you are a very imaginative and descriptive author. You will find here, a whole bunch of suggestions. I do this because after a dozen fluffy reviews, someone did one like this for me, and I finally had improvements I could sink my teeth into. You will be great; I know it. That is why I took the time on this, a smaller piece.

First Impressions
You stated the genre, but the first few lines tell me it's a horror.
The way the story is presented is not likely the way it looked on your writing software or word processor. When you load your next installment, select the double spacing of paragraphs in the advanced options.
The first line has the character attacked and fighting for her life. That's a good hook.

Character Development
Not enough time passes for character development.

Suggestions
The following suggestions are not, the way, to write it. I'm only expressing the mechanics of writing. You will deal with this as you see fit.
I stood out like a sore thumb against the seemingly endless darkness that had overtaken what used to be my bedroom.
Avoid cliche phrases such as, I stood out like a sore thumb. If you think how sore thumbs stick out, you'll see that this is not like that. This sentence is also wordy. Omit redundant and words that do not add to the meaning. Consider this version of your sentence.
I stood out, bright, against the darkness that permeated my room.
With only half the word count, we have a concise thought that does not distract the reader from the action. Isn't the thought the same?

I looked down to see that I was wearing a red hoodie and black jeans, Taylor’s clothes. Why was I dressed like her?
Wordy. Consider this version.
I wore a red hoodie and black jeans, Taylor’s clothes—why?

My hair whipped around my face, almost violently, just before the hand around my throat loosened.
Be clear. What does, "almost violently," mean?

Panic filled me as I realized that I didn’t know how to swim.
Wordy. This is an action, life and death scene. Consider, one-half the words.
Panic filled me. I can't swim!

My lungs burned as they filled with icy water. I’m dying, I thought just before my eyes popped open.
I like the imagery and the sequence of events. Let's try to reduce wordiness. Consider this version that uses your words, just fewer.
My lungs burned with icy water—I’m dying. My eyes popped open.

My hands shook and my body was damp with an uncomfortable layer of cold sweat.
Damp uncomfortable layer on your body IS a cold sweat: therefore there is redundancy here. Consider your own words, without the redundant ones.
My hands shook; my body covered in a cold sweat. (There's 33% fewer words.)

It took me a few minutes before my eyes adjusted enough for me to realize that the furniture and decorations in the small room belonged to me.
In a few minutes, my eyes adjusted to my familiar furniture and decorations.

Suddenly, a A figure appeared near the foot of my bed, causing me to jump.

She was crying, something I had never seen a ghost do.
Does your protagonist have a lot of experience with ghosts? Does this happen often?

“Taylor, are you okay?" I asked.
Taylor is dead! Of course she's not okay. If this happened to you, would that be the first question you would ask?

Final Thoughts
Good story, I'm hooked and waiting for the rest. Avoiding redundancy and write concise, clear and stronger sentences to keep the pace of your prose fast. This is an action scene.
Have someone read your work out loud. You will see much of what I pointed out yourself.
Work on this scene and I'll happily review it again. I get swamped sometimes, so if my review request is turned off, email me and I'll take it.
To become a good author, you need to read a lot, and write a lot (every day). Read a lot to see what works and what does not. Write a lot to get the practice you need. Writing is hard work.
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Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)


Introduction
Thank you for requesting a review of you next chapter. Don't forget, you, as master of this work will of course decide the relevance of any points I should make. On longer reviews like this one, I may point out some grammar, technical, or word choices once or twice and leave repeat similar considerations to you.

First Impressions
As with all the previous chapters, this is a detailed and entertaining tale with many interesting events. The story premise and plot are excellent. There is still wordiness that needs to be addressed.

Suggestions
“The weather[']s great!”

The soldiers spoke among themselves, adding to the dissonance of the company. Between the wet thumps of the horses’ hooves on melting snow and the wind blowing through the bare branches, the road was loud today.
Dissonance of the company, means friction and fights between members of the company. Roads aren't loud (unless there is a bad earthquake.)
Consider: The soldiers spoke among themselves, adding to the travel noise. Between the wet thumps of the horses’ hooves on melting snow and the wind blowing through the bare branches, the cacophony was overpowering.
I don't think my suggestion is perfect, but it shows what I mean.

“Sir!” A soldier charged along the side of the company and steered his horse toward Tyollis. When they were riding side-by-side the soldier continued. “Some of the others are sick, sir.”
Remember my wordiness warning in the last review? This is wordy. Omit redundant and words that do not add to the meaning of the sentences. Writing concise gives your narration more power and prevents drowning readers in wordiness.
Consider: “Sir!” a soldier yelled, hurrying to ride beside Tyollis. “Some of the others are sick.” (Fifteen words, twenty fewer than the original thirty-five.)

Tyollis cupped hands to mouth and bellowed, “Halt!” The order was carried echoed farther back and the company obeyed.
Word choice (word-smithing) can strengthen your work.

“Stay where you are, and remember what I told you about escaping.” Tyollis turned away from the head on the force and spurred his horse alongside the still company. He ignored the soldiers who watched them pass, even if one asked a question.
You can cut half of these words out and make concise more powerful sentences. Try it.

“Here they are, commander.” He gestured with a sweep of the hand, as if Tyollis couldn’t see them right there.
Wordy again. Consider these two options. Also, Commander needs to be capitalized as he is being addressed directly by his rank.
“Here they are, Commander.” He gestured as if Tyollis couldn’t see them.
OR
“Here they are, Commander.” He gestured.
The reader knows who is talking to who. Therefore, there is much redundancy in the two sentences. The reader also knows that the two men are right next to the group of sick men. Description is good for things the reader may not imagine. In this case, the reader will know all of this.

Tyollis’ mouth tightened, he had eaten some of that deer. He looked back to his company, who sat patiently but didn’t hide the fact that they were watching. Tyollis’ eyes fell on one of the newcomers. The old man sat with shoulders even and head high, surveying the soldiers.
Tyollis had eaten some of the deer? I doubt it and know what you meant. The paragraph is unclear and too wordy.
Writing is an art where you craft each sentence carefully. Sometimes you may consider four or five word possibilities before you find the best one. A sentence may be crafted over and over until it's perfect.
Consider: Tyollis' mouth tightened knowing the deer had been eaten. The company sat watching as the Captain's eyes fell on the newcomers. The old man sat erect surveying the soldiers. (Thirty instead of fifty words)

“Bring him over then.” Tyollis looked to the old man sitting in the midst of soldiers. The old man was looking right back. Tyollis lifted an arm and summoned the man with a flick of the hand. The old man looked to the soldiers who were bound to him by rope. All three soldiers attached to the man’s belt looked to Tyollis, who nodded and put down his arm.

After much maneuvering, the soldiers led the man out to the side of the road, and they sat in their saddles before Tyollis.

“What do you want?” Tyollis asked.

The old man jerked his head, long locks of gray hair flopping out of his eyes. “I am Faldashir, and I work for King Dendlo. I was sent here to retrieve the Dragon Guard that you’ve captured. Right now you are hindering my mission. I ask you let us leave and get to Veresses.”

Wordy. Cut at least half of the words omitting unnecessary details.

“I got one, commander.” He drew rein and opened the lid, sliding out map that was half his height. He unrolled it as best he could with his short arms, and the soldier at Tyollis’ side took one end of the map, unrolling it the rest of the way. The soldiers were on either side of Tyollis, the map right in front of him.
Wordy. Cut at least half of the words omitting unnecessary details.

Note: You get what I'm saying. Review the chapter and apply these examples and considerations, universally. I only commented on random sentences, not all of them up to this point.

“Sir,” he said, “I’m scared, I don’t want to end up like those men.”
The best soldiers the country offered; those sent to protect a King, would never say—"I'm scared."
Unless he is one of the higher ranking junior officers, he would not approach the company commander directly.
The senior officer would never say, “Then there’s nothing you can do, is there?”
Consider this exchange which follows military protocol.

As Tyollis rode, his second in command drew up next to him. "Sir, some of the men are concerned about the spreading illness."

"Does anyone know where the sickness is coming from?" Tyollis asked.

"Not that I know of, Captain."

"Tell the men to check around. See if you can find out."

"Yes, Sir." The man saluted, banging his fist against his chest as he rode off.

I don't know that the military in your world use the Roman salute, I'm just making a point.

“Good.” He met the man’s weary eyes. “Do you know what it is your you're looking for?” Branston’s horse nipped at his own, and his horse snapped back. Tyollis jerked the reins, and his horse obeyed, continuing its trot.
Description and details can be an essential part of an entertaining story. The interaction between the horses distracts the reader from the story. They would be good if the tale was about horse rearing on a ranch.

The scout gulped and said, “Yes, sir. A wraith, sir.”

“Good, get to it.” Tyollis huffed irritation.

Someone is seriously not doing their job if the Scout did not know what he was looking for. Was the Captain trying to insult the man? These are elite troops.

Branston kept his head low, but pride marked his voice. “It was given to him by King Krassos.” Sadness, as well. Tyollis frowned.
Clunky. Rewrite with a smooth, clear, flow.

Tyollis stroked his chin in thought. Bad news, yes, but was it connected? How?
There are a number of ways to express the inner thoughts of a character. Here are two of them. Notice the italics in the first.
Tyollis stroked his chin. Bad news? Yes, but how and is it connected?
Tyollis stroked his chin. "Bad news? Yes, but how and is it connected?" he thought.


“I won’t kill you,” Tyollis said. “If you don’t give me trouble.” He looked to the guard and said, “Untie him.” He met Branston’s gaze and firmly said, “Be good.”
Tyollis wouldn't say, "Be good." Which is redundant by the way. He would more likely glare in warning.

"To arms," is a command that warns of current; imminent, or surprise attack by enemies.

Final Thoughts
You have a great story and plot. The wordiness is still a problem. Because of the wordiness and unnecessary details or incidents, the pace is a bit slow. Description is needed to draw the reader into the story by painting a picture in their mind. If there are too many details or unnecessary events explained, the reader is overwhelmed: slowing the pace of the narration and possibly causing the reader to lose interest.
Fantasy is my favorite genre so I enjoyed the read. Try to apply the lessons in this review to your next chapter, or even to revising this one. Either way, I'd love to review them.
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15
15
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a review of "An Unthinkable ActOpen in new Window. written by: Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon

For the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.
By: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
I selected your story from the review request section on the home page. Past reading and reviews of your prose (as it is excellent) attracted me to your story. Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work will of course decide the relevance of any points I should make. My reviewing procedure consist of two readings. The first is to gather overall and first impressions, look for the hook, and examine overall story consistency. The second is to look for story editing and copy editing points and make suggestions. On longer stories, I may point out some grammar, technical, or word choices and leave repeat similar considerations to you.

First Impressions
You might recall I have reviewed a number of your works. "An Unthinkable ActOpen in new Window.follows your pattern of excellent grammar and technical story telling aspects. I suspect law enforcement in your, or a family member's background. Either that, or you did some excellent research.

Suggestions
As memories of that day flooded into his mind, he reflected on how[,] over the past year[,] he'd been unfair to his adult daughter.

Instead, he'd been distant, and she'd found solace elsewhere in some Christian movement he'd never heard of before.

Over the next few minutes, Jim interrogated questioned Khan about the building layout.
Interrogate, has a specific meaning. Consider, questioned, instead.

Final Thoughts
For thirty minutes after finishing, I was unable to continue the review. With five beautiful children (most grown) the impact of your ending was profound. Like your protagonist, the lives of my children flashed through my mind—well done! The five star is not only for the emotional impact of your prose, but the level of technical proficiency. You are never wordy which is a temptation to all new writers. Obviously, you are not a new writer. Honestly, I can't see any improvements in the story, just the couple of comments above. Even they could be left alone and the story would still be superb.

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Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a review of "From The Breach: Ch.8: In Their MidstOpen in new Window. written by: Breach Author IconMail Icon

For the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.
By: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
Thank you for requesting this review. I'm happy to offer what ideas I have. Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work will of course decide the relevance of any points I should make. My reviewing procedure consist of two readings. The first is to gather overall and first impressions, look for the hook, and examine overall story consistency. The second is to look for story editing and copy editing points and make suggestions. Since this is a longer story, I will point out some grammar, technical, or word choices and leave repeat similar considerations to you.

First Impressions
I read a number (but not all) of the previous chapters in The Breach. Reviewing without any idea of what has come before is difficult. The story is interesting and the first chapter is an effective hook. You show enough of the character's personality and backstory to interest me in finding out more. Your imagination is impressive and you writing well done. Your English grammar and punctuation is unusually good for a beginner: Are you a beginner? To be honest, my mind usually skips over that when reading a story this enthralling. Good job!

Suggestions
Before I start giving suggestions, remember my warning before I began. This is good writing. I'm going to be very picky because it wasn't until someone was picky with me that I started receiving much needed advice. Pats on the back are fine for our egos. Consider you back patted on. This truly is good work.

“What’s going on here?” The words rang out amidst the dozens of other men shouting for answers. The question silenced them.
Wordiness is a temptation all writers face. Omit words that are redundant or do not add to the meaning. Your finished work will be concise, clear and better paced.
Consider: “What’s going on here?” The words rang out amidst the shouting men—silencing them.
Were they ALL shouting for answers? Some might be shouting in surprise and others in preparation for defending themselves. Let the reader create the scene in their mind. You use beautiful description and action tags but don't over do it. Let the reader's imagination assist you. The edit I show is extreme for illustration purposes.

Branston met the eyes of one of the soldiers, who glared back fiercely. It was the soldier who answered the question.
If your verb needs an adverb to go with it, you need to select a stronger verb. Avoid, if possible, using adverbs. These usually end in ly such as fiercely. Your reader knows someone in authority just demanded an explanation. Are the words, the question, necessary?
Consider: Branston locked eyes with of one of the soldiers. It was that soldier who answered.

“These men showed up appeared out of nowhere, sir.”
Better word choice? You will need to decide. Word-smith your story on the next draft. Some words are better than others.

Off in the gloom a man rode slowly through the throng of horses and soldiers while other heads further back turned to see the commotion.
It seems to me that every soldier would be watching the new arrivals by now. How can you fix this sentence? Pretend you are a picky first time reader. Do the events proceed logically? Isn't the sentence too wordy?

...with many points of steel digging into Branston’s back and chest.
I know what you are saying here, but I got it from further reading and thought. I wondered if the Captain getting close somehow caused this. Was it others? A word or two will prevent the reader from wondering, thus maintaining the pace of the story.
Consider: ...with weapons from surrounding soldiers digging into Branston’s back and chest.

“So you’re a spirit? Are you the wraith that’s prowling this land?” He was calm, and confidence marked his voice, not fear.
I like this line!

“I used magic and –“
I'm not sure where you live. American and British rules governing the EM Dash differ.
“I used magic and—“ American
“I used magic and —“ British

“What’s that?” the The captain raised a gloved finger to the saldacrosse that hung in Branston’s hand.
"The Captain..." is NOT dialog attribution in this case but an action tag. The [T] needs to be capitalized.

Branston pulled his arm away, but wasn’t as quick as the captain. He was in the man’s tight grip, his exposed palm thrust skyward. The moon illuminated the dragon mark.
If he pulled his arm away, how could the Captain still grip his hand? If his palm is thrust skyward, no one would see the mark.
Consider-1: Branston tried to pull his arm away but wasn’t quick enough. The captain held him in a tight grip, the moon illuminating the dragon mark on his exposed palm.
Consider-2: Branston tried to pull his arm away but wasn’t quick enough. The captain held him in a tight grip, palm skyward, the moon clearly illuminating the dragon mark.
These are two examples of path of logic changes. Please understand; I'm not telling you the "correct" way to write it, only showing a logical path and wordiness reduction. You will write as you like. You are the boss!

The man cursed behind inside his helmet. His cold blue eyes met Branston’s. “What are you doing out here?”

“You know me?” Branston’s voice shook, and he couldn’t help it.

Wordy, be concise. Isn't this sentence stronger?

“No, not you. But I know what you are.” He looked down at the dragon again. Other soldiers leaned forward in their saddles to look as well.
This may be my last example of wordiness. I think you get the point.
Consider: “No, not you. But I know what you are.” He looked down at the dragon while other soldiers bent to look as well. (Fifteen percent fewer words.)

3.10 | Avoid redundancy. Redundancy refers to the use of unnecessary words that repeat the same thought within a sentence. In most cases, redundant words and phrases are unnecessary and merely add word clutter. This is a common problem among writers, and it can give their prose an unpolished or amateurish quality. Some redundant expressions are funny; others are downright silly. But the bottom line is, they add no value to your sentences and bog down readers in tedious repetition. You’ve probably heard the advice from a writing instructor or fellow wordsmith, “Avoid redundancy!”

De A'Morelli, Richard. Elements of Style 2017 (pp. 34). Spectrum Ink. Kindle Edition.


He met Branston’s eyes, his analytical gaze unrestrained.

3.01 | Use everyday words. Clarity is everything in writing, and concise writing depends upon your choice of words. When you describe an elevator as “a vertical transportation unit” or you refer to a leaky pipe as a “plumbing rupture,” clarity goes out the window, and so does your reader’s attention span and interest. For fiction, you can write colorful prose but still use everyday language to tell a story your readers can easily understand and enjoy. For nonfiction, communicate relevant facts in the clearest and most direct way possible without sacrificing interest. An emphasis on clarity doesn’t mean you should limit yourself to three-letter words; but use familiar, everyday words as much as possible. Avoid using obscure words most readers won’t recognize. If you have to look up a word in the dictionary, it’s safe to assume many of your readers will need to look it up too. Most won’t bother, so you may lose a large segment of your audience before they turn the page. You can add clarity to your prose by avoiding stilted and unnecessary phrasing, known in some writing circles as “gobbledygook.” Instead, use concrete words familiar to most readers and that have clear meanings.

De A'Morelli, Richard. Elements of Style 2017 (p. 25). Spectrum Ink. Kindle Edition.


Final Thoughts
When this book hits the market, I'm going to be in line. Check out the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. for Novel writing information. Maybe if you join the "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On HiatisOpen in new Window. I'll review your book as you develop it. A detailed and complete copy and story edit like the small part I performed above is beyond the scope of this review. These examples are typical of what I observed throughout the work.
Hopefully I've made myself clear; this is good prose. I have read many novels that aren't as well written that I found myself engrossed in. If I wasn't reviewing an incomplete work, I'd have finished the entire novel.
My goal was to show what I feel are ways to polish your prose. My last words of advice are—read a lot and write a lot. You should do so every day.
Now go write.

A gifted signature from February 2017 Showcase.


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Review of Immortal Tear  Open in new Window.
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review of "Immortal TearOpen in new Window. written by: Temujin Author IconMail Icon

For the "Random RandomnessOpen in new Window.
By: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
I selected your story from the review request section on the home page. Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work will of course decide the relevance of any points I should make. My reviewing procedure consist of two readings. The first is to gather overall and first impressions, look for the hook, and examine overall story consistency. The second is to look for story editing and copy editing points and make suggestions.

Your time on WdC and the review request indicate you are new to writing science fiction, possibly writing in general. I may seem a bit picky in my efforts to give useful feedback to who appears new to the writing community. This picky approach is my humble efforts to be helpful.

First Impressions
The first line promises a scifi story and hooks you to continue reading to find out how the main character is death. Good job! The short story is written in first person.

Suggestions
You see, the retrovirus I had developed worked. Now immortal I soon discovered the virus had escaped. It then spread killing humanity.
Avoid changing the narrative style. If you select first person as your prose model, do not address the reader (you see) thus shifting to second person. Be consistent.
Consider: The retrovirus I had developed worked. Now immortal, I soon discovered the virus had escaped. It then spread killing humanity.

So for a thousand years I aimlessly searched for my relevance in this universe. I could not consider my own extinction; it was unfortunate that I was all that remained.
The most successful stories bring the reader inside as either a character or an observer. If the reader is thrown out by a confusing phrase they have to think about to understand, the pace is interrupted and the reader enjoys the narrative less.
I was thrown out of the story by this line. I had these questions: How did he aimlessly search? Was it in his mind or physically traveling? Perhaps it was both.
Word choice can change the the effectiveness of any sentence. In my humble opinion, the death of all humanity is more than "unfortunate." If this was the level of concern your character feels, that would be fine. The rest of the story expresses a much deeper regret. I suggest you rewrite that sentence to express your character's deep regret and sorrow.

And for For another thousand years, I set my mind on the task to learn all that could be known. I built cities from what once was. In my image, I constructed companions to silence the loneliness and in time my companions became my children and they called me Father.
The grammar rule of not beginning a sentence with a conjunction like, "and" has relaxed in recent years. In this case, the sentence is more powerful when written as suggested above.

Our journey led to many worlds, none with intelligent life. Sadness consumed me as another a thousand more years passed.
OR
Our journey led to many worlds, none with intelligent life. Sadness consumed me as another thousand years an additional millennia passed.
Unless intended for effect, avoid repetitious phrases (another thousand) in adjacent sentences.

My children's empire spread as did their knowledge. Before long In time, they would colonize the entire Milky Way.
Word choice is critical. Make sure you express the intended meaning as powerfully as possible. "Before long," indicates a short time by definition. To colonize the entire Milky Way would likely take some time, so far thousands of years have passes.

“Father, may I have a word?” asked my first son.
Just a question, it appears his son is immortal or nearly so. Was that your intent?

My son started to explain the why, as our ship started its slow descent.
Clunky, I suggest the sentence be clarified.

He explained that his brothers and sisters here on Earth had been working day and night for millennia on a secret project.
"Day and night" seems inconsistent with the context of the story.
Consider: ...had been working unceasingly for millennia...

“Come, Father, walk with me.”
Please forgive this excessively picky point. In the current English vernacular, "Walk with me" is spoken by a superior to and inferior.

My son then went on to explained that they had lifted the veil off of time.
Avoid using the word, "then," when narrating sequential events.
Avoid wordiness by omitting redundant words and words that do not add to the meaning of the thought. Make your writing concise with fewer words to bog down the reader. In the above example, there are 30% fewer words.

Then my My children[,] parting like the red sea[,] revealed a shining silver door at the end of the hall.
Is the reference, "parting like the red sea" consistent with the story? I'm very religious and feel no offence. On the contrary, I like it, but for the story it this best? The parting of the red sea was an event that had passed countless millennia ago. Would your character reference it? It's up to you.

“Father, behind this door is everything you ever wanted. This is our gift to you.”
"Everything you ever wanted," covers his entire existence. Perhaps words that describe accurately what is behind the door.
Consider: “Father, behind this door, is the end to your sorrow. This is our gift to you.”

I stepped through the door and like a mirage slowly coming into focus, a crowd of thousands did appear.
"Like a mirage slowly coming into focus," is not the best metaphor. Select a better way to express this critical sentence.

Now I understood what my children had done,[;] they had found a way to bring back the ones I loved and lost.
Run-on. Replace the comma with a period or semicolon; since these are two independent clauses that are complete sentences.

I felt a single tear run down my face.
This is another, "you are the author" moment. If this being can cry, and the sorrow is so deep and painful, spreading across millennia, and this is the end of that grief, why is there only a single tear? This is your moment and your climax; think about it. Would he sob?

Final Thoughts
You have a good story that needs some technical and grammar corrections. No matter how good the idea, writing is hard work and takes lots of practice. Best Seller authors often mention the ten manuscripts in the back of their cupboard that they wrote while learning. The MOST important thing for an aspiring writer to do is: READ A LOT and WRITE A LOT. We learn skills and the methods that work from BOTH of these tasks.
Another suggestion is to read this out loud to another, or at least yourself. Follow what you wrote exactly and you will find many of the common errors, both story and grammar. I encourage you to keep at it. Work hard, you have the necessary talent so you will do just fine. Consider obtaining a copy of, The Elements of Style 2017, by Richard De A'Morelli. The book contains easy to understand grammar rules and writing tips.
The star rating is based on the grammar and technical work still to be done. A five star is perfect in every way, ready for print. The three and one half star rating means, great story, but needs further drafts, technical repairs, and polishing. When your next draft is ready, send it to me. I'll be happy to look at it again.

Now, go write!

February 2017 NAG Showcase signature


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Review of Man Overboard  Open in new Window.
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a review of "Man OverboardOpen in new Window. , written by: Rmkv Author IconMail Icon

Found on the public review page.

Reviewed by: CanImagine Author IconMail Icon


Introduction
I'm happy to review your new posting I found on the Request Review page. Not being an expert in reviewing or writing, I offer these comments and suggestions based on my limited knowledge and experience. You, as master of this work will of course decide the relevance of any point. My reviewing procedure consist of two readings. The first is to gather overall and first impressions, look for the hook, and examine overall story consistency. The second is to look for story editing and copy editing points and make suggestions. I often skip occurrences of the same suggestion or consideration after mentioning it a time or two.

First Impressions
Well written with excellent grammar, and not a first draft. I found just a few technical or grammar problems. Reviewing requires tolerance for many things outside of our comfort zone. I appreciate the lack of crude language, (darn) to what could have been. I was hooked by the title and story blurb before even bringing it up. Problems with similar situations in my past tweaked my interest.

Suggestions
'It's time I acknowledge this sinking ship and take the lifeboat[.]'
The period is missing.

He could see now that she had only ever wanted him for his good looks - eye candy to flaunt.
The sentence with the dash as a pause needs to be a proper sentence. Congratulations on selecting the correct punctuation mark, the dash. Many writers incorrectly use the ellipse (...) for a pause. The ellipse indicate a portion of the words are missing.
Consider: He could see now that she had only ever wanted him for his good looks, to flaunt him as eye candy.

She became distant when she realized Malcolm's money was no where not near enough to support her extravagance.
Word choice suggestion.

His perseverance was thinning waning with time.
Word choice suggestion.

He had made sure of it; she didn't know how he had done it, but she did know that he was a man of his words.
Use word, instead of, words.

With every ounce of compassion he had in him, he asked, "Will you marry me?"
I'm confused by your choice of, "compassion" in this ending sentence. Compassion usually means empathy for someone's pain. Would "gentleness" be better?
You have just shown that he may not be as good as we were led to believe as shown by his sudden proposal when her money returned. It just seem peculiar.

Final Thoughts
The star rating I assigned reflects the quality of the short story, both story wise and technically. Most of my suggestions are word choice ideas. There were only one or two small grammatical considerations. Good story with a great surprise ending. I didn't see that coming.


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Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Introduction
This review is for the Power Reviewer's group March Raid. I found your review request on the home page. This is an unusual format, but I'll attempt to conform to your questions. Below are suggestions only. You know the story and if anything applies.

First Impressions
The story sounds interesting. Especially with the promise of supernatural events. Possibly some romance also.

Suggestions
When Susie arrived from China two years ago, she brought some truths with her. A woman’s value depends on how useful she is to her man and his family. Spirits may trick you into believing they’re humans and steal your soul before you ever realize you’re in any danger.

She soon finds out things may be very different in Chicago. Simon gives her a lush carefree life, the New Woman’s freedom to dance, dress daringly and behave as she pleases. Susie thinks the loyalty he demands in return is a small price – until one night she meets Blood in Simon’s speakeasy and he asks her, what do you feel? What do you think?

But Simon will never allow her to forget what she owns to him and Susie finds herself fighting off her love for Blood even as the realization slowly blooms inside herself that her value as a person doesn’t depend on any man. Along with the awareness that some things are the same even in Chicago: Spirits can still trick you into believing they’re men.


Consider introducing a Chinese name that is Anglicized to Suzie for more realism.

Consider: ..., she brought with her what she considered truth. A woman's value....

Consider: Simon gives her a carefree life with fredom to dance, dress daringly, and behave as she pleases.

Consider: ... small price. Until, one night, she....

Consider: ... he asks her, "What do you feel? What do you think?"

Consider: ... what she owes him. Susie resists her growing love for Blood, ....

Final Thoughts
Interesting blurb that promises a good story. Try to reduce wordiness by omitting redundant words and words that do not add meaning to the sentence. What can be said in this review is limited as it is only a book cover blurb and not the novella itself. Keep writing!

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Review of Loving embrace  Open in new Window.
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Introduction
I found your poem on the WDC home page review request column. I don't usually review poetry as I know little of the complex forms. This poem is simple enough with only the occasional rhyme at the end of a stanza.

Overall Impressions
The poem is simple and to the point. I see the growing passion as the verses pass. As poems and music are both inspired by high emotion, I was happy to feel the emotion flowing from the words into me, the reader.

Suggestions
I see one technical mistake. Intertwine is the correct word choice, not inner twine. See below.

Hands embrace
Hearts begin to race
Souls inner intertwine
Such love is so divine
A kiss is shared
There's nothing that would compare
The taste of your neck
Puts me in a frenzy
Adrenaline runs
Putting me in unparalleled tranquility


Tranquility seems a poor word choice as the previous two stanzas that contain, "frenzy" and "Adrenaline" which would seem to contradict the word.

Final Thoughts
Without the technical mistake I would have rated this four and one half stars. The poetry work was short and to the point bringing forth the emotions that caused its writing. Erotica might be a little inaccurate of a genre as I don't believe "The taste of your neck" qualifies. You are the master of your work. These suggestions are only my humble opinion and you will need to evaluate their value.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review of Homecoming  Open in new Window.
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is being done on my phone. I found the short and the title grabbed my attention. There are no technical issues with the writing. I don't do reviews on the phone normally because of how difficult that is. I felt that the emotion brought forth by the short merited acknowledgement. As a pilot I also noticed the accurate detail of experience portrayed. Please accept my thanks for the feelings off gratitude for those that give their all to defend this great country.
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Review of A Petulant Life  Open in new Window.
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Introduction
It is a pleasure to review the introductory chapter of your new fiction work. Due to the very short length, many areas I normally discuss like "Character Development" and some others cannot be evaluated. Any suggestions are only suggestions. You must decide if any is applicable to your work. Only you have all the facts.

Suggestions
Avoid trite or cliche' phrases like "ever so real" in your writing.

The elderly woman [said,] speaking to herself

the wave of feelings wanted to run away with her.
Suggest: she felt overwhelmed with a wave of feelings.

Last sentence is a run-on.

Final Thoughts
This did spark my interest on what was going to happen next. Divine intervention, a flashback. Though I do feel this introductory chapter should be longer. Perhaps you could describe the room and people.
Keep writing. Successful writing requires the author to read and write constantly. Everyday if possible. I would like to see your story when it is further along. Now go write.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
INTRODUCTION
I just finished your previous review request and will now review, Yellow, Red, and Blue. In order for the review to stand on its own, I will repeat some of the introduction, comments, and suggestions. Thank you for asking for this review and sharing your story with me. I'll do my best to provide useful comments to allow us both to become better writers. First of all, remember, you are the author and have ultimate say. Any suggestions are meant to be suggestive and not proscriptive.
Some Copy and Story Editing will be included as well as a review. If I explain a grammar rule or give a suggestion once, I will often skip additional occurrences of the same consideration. Upon examining your biography, I see you are relatively young. I wish I had the guts and imagination to write this well at your age. I didn't write until over forty. Congratulations. Keep it up.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS
I wonder what the novel fascinating terrace will be like. Good hook and an interesting story.

PLOT
This is a short story yet the plot was logical and fulfilled the promises made in the headline and first few paragraphs.

SUGGESTIONS
Calm and serene, the quiet neighborhood of St. Louis, Michigan, had its secrets. One of which was a popular novelty for the local pedestrians to marvel at and wonder what made their eyes glimpse at it for obscene amounts of time.
St. Louis is the capital of Missouri, not Michigan. If there is a city called St Louis in Michigan, which is possible, you will throw your readers off on a tangent.

I do notice that the narration is past tense. If the terrace no longer exists, this is OK. Changing to present tense might make the story more appealing. Consider changing the tense. This will be the only example. Change, "had its secrets" to "has its secrets," also, "is a popular novelty."

Glimpse is a quick fleeting sight. That doesn't agree with the drawn out times people would stare.

Is pedestrians the best word choice? This includes only people walking by on foot. What about drive by people and those on bicycles? Consider changing, "local pedestrians," to "locals."

From a bystander’s point of view, the yellow terrace demanded attention through its skillfully painted bricks and vivid red chairs. Suspended about 100 feet in the air, the terrace was a monument-like figure in a relatively unimpressive suburbia, so it stuck out like a diamond in a pile of stone.
Bystander is not the proper word choice. Better yet, remove the first clause completely and start with, "The yellow terrace...."

Consider the metaphors carefully. The bird one is too long and distracts the reader. Shorten it.

As mentioned in the previous review, omit all redundant words and words that do not add to the sentences meaning. The story is wordy. Reduce word count by 10% or more.

Impressionable should be impressive.

The rest of the story should be considered with similar thoughts in mind to those noted above.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Honestly, this is a very good story and idea. Forgive me if I get picky about grammar and correct word choice when I review. It will help if you read a lot so you know how people write and what works and what doesn't. Writing takes effort. A story usually takes three drafts and a polish to be ready for publication. Write a lot. Every day if you can. Like any skill, practice increases ability. It is said that it takes a million words of writing for someone to write a novel that can be sold to publishers. I have not reached that point but started late in life. With your ideas, you have the talent necessary. Keep at it and complete the drafts needed to polish this story. Think about each word in the drafts following the first. You will be happy with the result. Read it out loud to someone you trust. That will help also. When you are ready, I would love to read this story again. Now go write!

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Review of Gate 11A  Open in new Window.
Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
INTRODUCTION
Thank you for the opportunity to perform this review. I'll do my best to provide useful comments to allow us both to become better writers. First of all, remember, you are the author and have ultimate say. Any suggestions are meant to be suggestive and not proscriptive.
Some Copy and Story Editing will be done as well as a review. If I explain a grammar rule or give a suggestion once, I will often skip additional occurrences of the same consideration.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS
The references to the bottle made me consider the story about an alcoholic as likely. I'm particularly sensitive to addiction stories having fought that problem after a long painful stay in the hospital.
The voice seems to be third person limited but I was confused by what appeared to be statements directed to the reader as that is usually frowned upon. That can confuse the reader and break the rhythm of the narration.

CHARACTER
You describe the character of Paul, Richard as well as the others in your story very well. We know what to expect and can imagine their backstory. Paul's desire to be noticed is particularly evident. Your intent I'm sure.

PLOT
The introduction of the main character and the process of the plot follows an understandable path. You get your point across in an interesting chain of plot events. Well done.

Suggestions
Busy people must be important people. That’s popular opinion nowadays, isn’t it? His shaking hand nervously screwed the bright yellow cap back on the bottle. The contents within the bottle made him question the stupidest of things. Why aren’t eyebrows considered facial hair? Can you daydream at night? Stupid things that made no sense. Absolutely stupid.
"Within" is not the correct preposition to use in the phrase: "The contents within the bottle." Consider instead: "The contents of the bottle."
Avoid using the same adjective, description or many other kinds of words in subsequent sentences. Let alone in the same sentence. This will distract or possibly bore the reader. In this short paragraph, a form of "stupid" is used three times close together. Rather replace two of the words with synonyms such as: senseless, foolish, or brainless. There are others that can also be used. These are just examples. Keep a Thesaurus close by when writing. It is the author's friend.

Paul Westerly was his name. The lonesome man who always stationed himself at airport terminals, not knowing what to do with his days. No one recognized him, simply because not a single person was ever at an airport for more than a week. And he always made sure to reposition himself to not cause alarm to any of the gate attendants. Smart, right?
Avoid trite or overused phrases like, "was his name". Find another way to introduce your character.
This paragraph is wordy. Wordiness is a temptation faced by all authors. It is said that every writer needs to reduce their word count by at least 10%. I found wordiness such a temptation in my writing that I was able to reduce some sentences by 50%. Omit words that are redundant or do not add to the intent or clarity of a sentence. Too many words will distract the reader and bog down the pace of a story. It is also good to remember the writer's mantra. "Show, don't tell." Saying that Paul spends his time sitting in airport terminals shows the reader he is lonesome. Consider the following version of your paragraph incorporating all of these suggestions using twenty-three fewer words.
Paul Westerly, stationed himself at airport terminals; not knowing what to do with his days. No one recognized him because he made a point of moving all over the terminal to avoid alarming any airport employees.
The above example is an extreme rewrite for example purposes only. You are the author and will decide what works for you.

Today Paul was at gate 11A. Gate 11A was definitely his favorite.
One last example of reducing wordiness. Consider; Today Paul was at gate 11A, his favorite.

Stupid bottle, he thought. Why am I always holding a bottle?
Italics are a way that some authors use to express the inner stream of thought of a character. I use this method myself on occasion. When your narrator placed dialogue attribution such as, he thought, then it becomes dialogue, should not be italicized and the proper punctuation needs to be added.
Consider; "Stupid bottle," he thought. "Why am I always holding a bottle?" Pick one method or the other, but be consistent throughout the story.

"God" needs to be capitalized.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Your story is a good one but needs work to polish it up. Even great ideas require effort to make a good story. The writing style that resulted in the suggestions above occurs in other places in Gate11A. Look at the rest as see if they help.
Successful authors READ A LOT and WRITE A LOT. Write every day five hundred words. If not, two hundred. Writing well is hard work, not just good ideas. Read your story out loud to yourself or someone else. Many problems will jump out at you if you do.
Fix this up and notify me of your new post. I'd love to see it again. Now, go to work.

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Review by CanImagine Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Introduction
Thank you for providing a perfect story for our October Raid Power Review. This particular post appeals to me because of a Night Gallary TV show I saw as a child that disturbed me. I'm not arachnophobic any more than normal people so thought, "Hey. Why not?" I tend toward deeper reviews doing some copy and story editing also. Let's see if anything I say can help both of us be better writers. You as the master of the work will decide id any suggestion is worthy.


First Impression
Oh, Oh. Helpless and naked in the shower. Classic but highly effective scare technique, especially to women.


Suggestions
Andrea pressed her bare back a bit harder against the linoleum.
Tile, not linoleum. Linoleum is used on floors. Tile or fiberglass on showers.
The story is so polished there is little to suggest. This is a technical issue that a Structural Engineer like myself would think, though I think many of your readers will catch this.

There was no sense of accomplishment in the knowledge, though- Her mind...
Either the dash needs to be a period or Her not capitalized.


Final Thoughts
The story was incredible, though of course horrifying. It reached deep into the primal fears of the reader. The corrections/suggestions were minor. Fix the Linoleum mistake and have formal copy editing and it's ready for publication. Good job!

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