Oh, how cute! (I'm sure you love that word about your writing. It's like a girly word, isn't it? )
Anyway, it's great. I kind of felt something was off with the "teacher said a dirty word" line, though. What I might do is add another line or two where the dad asks what word and the kid spells out s.e.x. -- or something like that. That's just my thought.
Otherwise, it's really very good. I laughed out loud at the last line. Was this a Dialogue 500 winner? Looks like it should be.
Oh, what a funny In & Out, Robert! It’s a little hard to imagine surviving a restaurant quite that bad. But then again I do remember once when the sauce tasted like battery acid. The waiter offered to “cool it off” and my husband was scared that meant straining it through the cook’s filthy apron. Anyway, clever idea. I love the graphic and it looks like you’re pretty popular here.
Thanks for the laugh!
Write on!
PT
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What a great story, Wren. I love the attitude of the mother and the son (the grandfather in the story). It’s really inspiring.
It’s well written and I didn’t notice any glaring mistakes in grammar or spelling, or in punctuation.
I do have one suggestion about your first sentence. There may be just a little too much information in it. What I mean is I know you’re very busy, trying to move to a bigger house before the baby comes might be a little bit of an “information dump.” Instead you might just say ‘I know you’re busy trying to get moved’ or something like that here. Then later, when the grandson talks about how they need a bigger house you could add the part about the baby coming.
Just a thought. Thanks for sharing this great story. I really enjoyed reading it!
Write on.
PT
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Well written comedy piece, Wolfwalker. I like your style! For some reason I picked this line to laugh out loud at: Obviously these people didn’t know me that well, or they wouldn’t have had to wonder.
I didn’t notice any glaring mistakes or anything I would change. It’s an enjoyable read.
Thanks so much for sharing!
What a terrible experience for such a caring person as you. And how sad for the patients that things like this happen and all too often, I gather.
I have a couple of suggestions that might be useful to you.
In the first paragraph, instead of : Finally, I landed a decent paying job in the health field. a better grabber might be “Finally, I landed the perfect job for me (or so I thought)” Or, “when I finally landed a good job, I had no idea it would turn out like it did.”. Something that gives a little hint of what is to come.
There are some places you might tighten the writing, and others where you might emphasize a little more to convey the shocking conditions. For example: I took my job seriously and made sure that I learned everything I needed to know and caught on quickly. After all, I would only take care of someone in the manner I would want to be taken care of. You might add: “But I came to realize that not all my co-workers felt the same way.” Then go on to tell about the medication cover-ups and the abuse.
Instead of spelling all this out (which is a little unclear to me) One night the assistant director and I were relieved of our shift, so we packed up our things and started to head out. We ended up stopping at Eckerd's Drug Store and realized we had left something back at the resident's houseYou might say something like: “Returning after our shift, the assistant director and I were shocked to find the co-workers dancing…” and even more shocked when we called the director…”
Thanks for sharing your experience, Lexi. Hope some of these suggestions are helpful.
And, of course, write on!
PT
Hi, Georgina. This is very good. It's well written with some beautiful imagery like the lions where the snow "spirals around their heads, manes dusted with ice sugar." And you do a great job showing your mother, her frame of mind, snapping at your father, it being so unlike her. The line "Keep walking and don't look back" is so very telling.
I like the voice, although, to me, it seems to go back and forth a bit between adult and child telling the story. A ten year old might not describe the snow as "record snowstorm."
It's a great snapshot of a child's life-changing memory! I just wanted a tiny bit more of a hint at what happened after that.
Great, touching story. I know that painful empty nest feeling.
I like the way you used dialogue. Some of the paragraphs seem a little cumbersome, and it might help move the story along if you use more active verbs.
For example:
Within the hour, as we were driving through the Pocono Mountains, we made a stop at a convenience store in a small town before we reached the interstate highway. We had to stop -- my tissue supply was gone...
as we drove...we stopped...
Or even:
My tissues ran out before we got to the interstate. We stopped at a small convenience store...
I can imagine the emotion when coming back to the empty house. You might even move the part about 1985 to then or later in the story - make it a flash back and expand on it. You could describe what the brave little four year old looked like then.
It would contrast with this great sentence: I looked up towards the darkened kitchen. There, looming in the doorway was Jeff’s tall, muscular form! I could hardly believe what my weepy eyes were seeing!
I hope some of these suggestions are helpful to you, Donna.
Write on!
PT
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Thanks for sharing this great story. I really enjoyed reading it!