I confess I didn't think too highly of this item UNTIL I digested the last stanza.
Very powerful and a punch to your readers.
The second stanza (last line) establishes your mantra, so to speak and it was totally dynamic in the subsequent stanzas.
The fifth was a tad repetitious with the "and' word: I would edit it this way;
Sometimes I think about paper, and pens, no comma after paper
And words, and thoughts, and whether I’m really even here or not, Omit the beginning And. No comma after thoughts
And I wonder if you get the messages I write,
‘Cause all I really want is to tell you I’m sorry for hurting you. Such a sweet surprise closer on this stanza
Your final stanza absolutely blends the whole piece together for me and I find I like it all very much!
I'm a poet and just got around to reading the story entries in the "Invalid Item" .
So glad I chose this one first! I liked this timeless dilemma. Has overtones of the Gift of the Magi to it and that's a win-win.
The love expressed between the two is palatable and precious. Your sentence structure is wonderful to behold AND your word selections are your own.
I tried to find an error and could only find one. Listed below is a teeny spelling error. If I hadn't been eating and concentrating on what was in my mouth, I would have missed it, I'm sure!
This is pure sweetness! Your word choices are exquisite, the sentiment palatable.
And so I wonder, . . . where is the recognition? If I had the Gps I would do it myself!
Grammar, spelling, form (of course) and content are above-average with a smooth delivery, no force anywhere.
I'm sending this review to Public Reviews so your co-members can ooh and ahh over this concisely constructed confection! Like that alliteration
Again, the consummate storyteller! This one made me laugh OUT LOUD and I rarely laugh out loud.
I really have to pee, damn it. He rolls his eyes and ignores me. I scramble off the dirt pile and try to find a "good spot" to pee. You know, a spot where you can brace on a tree and not piss on your sock.
AND AND
Then you iced the story cake with the following;
The squirrel watched us both with interest. Finally I zeroed in on the creature and squeezed. POW! The kick from the gunshot slammed into me and threw me off balance. Down the pile of dirt I rolled like a big puffy snowball. Just as I lost my balance, he snatched the gun from me to save it from damage. There I sat sprawled at the bottom of the hill like an over-sized down pillow. OOF!
You are so adept at telling a story from your own personal perspective and even making the hilarious self-deprecating remarks - readers love the comical honesty ESPECIALLY when pregnant!
You know at least 1/2 your readers will positively identify with this!
I read this because it's listed in the Poetry Newsletter, otherwise, we in all probability would have never crossed paths. That's why I take a coupla' newsletters.
The last stanza(?) was my favorite, your analysis at the end was almost comical, since you, yourself are male.
Today I watched a lusty male pigeon,
his chest puffed up and his head bobbing,
marching after a coy female who was giving
him a cold shoulder. They paraded in tandem
all over the yard, him strutting his heart out
to please her, but to no avail. Off she flew,
leaving him to his misery. Like any other
rejected male, he took it hard…until another
likely female caught his attention. Then his
strutting parade began anew. There must be
a valuable life lesson in here somewhere. Overstating the obvious N N
This goes to Public Reviews so other males can search that life lesson you mentioned in the piece
What's to say but you have penned an epic. The language is not only pleasing to the mind's ear, but you maintain the dialect and rhythm, this is not only brilliant but
it
R O C K S
It doesn't surprise me to see the high ratings, what else could one do?
You must have a poet's soul as evidenced by this piece.
This is sooo Goooooood! Are you one of the Creator's blessed that can just release this dessert right through your fingertips, with little backspacing needed?
Well, ARE YA'
You are deliciously expressive at this restricted art form. Power-packed and delivered so smoothly and yet it dukes the reader right between the eyes. Your words impact are memorable and that's exactly what we writers want.
WELL DONE!
SM
Oh yeah, this has to go to Public Reviews because your co-members should know this richness is abundant in your work. It's jolly good to make your acquaintance
I want to congratulate you on your second place win and to tell you that I truly think your entry was superior to my own. (**SM must be crazee**)
Your form was 8-8-8-8-8-8-10-10. I loved it! Next week you will get First Place, I know! I appreciate good writing and I hope to see you for this coming round.
I LOVE good competition and you are a worthy opponent! See you next week!
SM
P.S. I'm sending this to Public Reviews so your co-members can see what an excellent writer you are.
We’ve discovered heroes among us
We just cannot forget those who died
Nor can we assume our own safety
Or forget how our country cried
My favorite stanza. Loved the eye-popping presentation of the Red, White (grey) &
Blue bolded stanzas and I noticed seven (7) stanzas, you seem to be writing for the Lord as well!
Thought you were not a poet? Since you are a writer, you can do it ALL.
Wow Ms Kat - I DID NOT KNOW this was an auto-rewards item til I came here to review it.
What a human interest story for the month. You were so brutally honest in your entire descriptions. That is sooo refreshing and how you treated this Child of the Most High was as if you were having a coffee with Jesus Himself.
What you do for the least of these, is like doing it unto Me, the Bible says.
What a Good Samaritan you were to Donnie. This story reaffirms my faith in my brothers and sisters in Christ, you'll have your reward in heaven if not before then.
In His Perfect Love,
SM
You know this has to go to the Public Reviewing Forum so your co-members can read this It-could-have-been-Me intervention.
How B R I L L I A N T Is that a form or did you invent it yourself?
I love it. If I were not in severe pain I would embellish my review, however I feel confident that you have amassed many super-loaded, superb reviews with this genuine piece.
This is a richly concentrated story brimming with all the negative emotions and horrors of a child's calamity; accidental death.
You immediately gravitated your reader to the up-close and loving relationship that suffered a fatal blow. The mother-son relationship is universal in its appeal and you have snared your readers with a Mother's psycho-drama in this piece.
It's no surprise that you won First Place with this entry and I heartily congratulate you and I'm now off to read your twin's entry.
Well done. I'm just a little curious as to why you disabled the ratings feature.
I would have given this item 4.5S.
How delightful this is. What a sense of humor you display. This is a rib-tickler for sure. I saw the review from (oops, I forgot) the Public Review forum, that made me click, to read for myself.
Gonna' mosey around your port to see what other fun I can have.
You pulled me right in your storyline and of course I was thinking about what was about to be lethally injected.
You crafted this well, no hint of the surprise ending, which is exactly what you wished to do. I was empathetic toward this about to be executed criminal and even more so when I discovered it was (I can't give it away)
You have a heart for the Creator's creations and I now have a for YOU.
Congratulations on a very striking, surprising piece.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 6:48pm on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
But I plan to 
.
Like that alliteration 
for YOU.