This is great; well written, with well-developed characters.
The only potential problem is the formatting: it looks a lot like a block of writing, so maybe you could start paragraphs with an indent, and possibly throw in a line break every here and there. Also, some people prefer to use single inverted commas for dialogue rather than double ( ' rather than " ), but that is more personal choice as far as I'm aware.
This seems very well written, and I definitely cannot wait until the next installment. I am always impressed when someone can successfully write in the first person, as I know from experience it is much harder (I'm terrible at it). Some of it seemed a little odd, and I was slightly confused by the jeans and nail scissors, as well as references to a goddess and a 'Warrior' and elders - the kind of thing you would normally find in medieval high fantasy types. No doubt this will all become clear as the story progresses.
I think this is great. Well thought out and contemporary, it genuinely made me think about the direction the world is headed in.
The only few things I would say are so small they are almost insignificant. You use 'super' in about the seventh paragraph, and I just thought this detracted from the cold detachment of the email, and possibly made it (only that sentence) sound slightly childish. As well as this, you only use an acronym once, towards the end (CPU), and its just that, if this device is very nearly omniscient, then surely sending 'computer processing unit' would take as little time as sending CPU? These are only personal opinions of course, so you should do with them what you will.
First of all, I think that the idea is a fairly good one, and the way you have written it is fairly engaging.
Unfortunately there are some issues with it. There are a few spelling errors that spell check won't pick up, like 'than' instead of 'then.' The sentence structure in the second paragraph in particular might also be worth taking another look at.
As well as this, I have a few issues with the apparent technology gap. I accept the magic, and angels and demons aspect, but as a history student some of the weapons are not particularly consistent with each other, if you are trying to remain slightly consistent with 'real' history. Shotguns weren't in use until WW1, as american trench guns, and so wouldn't have been used alongside carbines. Seems a really picky comment to make, so ignore if you wish. :)
This is really well written, with a well-maintained tone throughout. The paragraphs were of a good length, and each was effective. The anecdotal style works really well, and it is written as though you were telling the story to a friend.
I certainly found it amusing, and now think I'll check out some more of them.
This is well-written, and I enjoyed the twist at the end.
Some of it was perhaps 'over-descriptive' - when there are three adjectives describing the same thing, that is maybe too much, one or two will probably do.
The ideas for the background are good, but could perhaps be slipped into the narrative with a little more finesse. The main one is the crest of the communications officer at the start - the fact that it is in two sentences makes it feel a little forced.
Although this isn't usually the kind of thing I read, it was a good, fun read. I enjoyed the tone in which it was written especially.
However, there are a few general points about the writing:
The description at the start reads slightly like a list, so maybe you could describe her in reference to something else, so like: "she only came to my chest, and must have stood somewhere near 5'5" or "the wind playfully flicked her brown hair up."
As well as this it seems to be written in a fairly informal tone, so you could perhaps think about changing things like "that is" to "that's," which would probably be more in keeping with the tone.
They are both only suggestions however, and only you know how you want it to be, but hope I was of some hope.
I think this is a fantastic way to start, it sets the scene beautifully, and engages the reader well. The innovation displayed is so refreshing, and the language used really sparks the imagination.
As a history student the whole concept of sources and conflicting accounts is really intriguing, and something I have been trying to incorporate in my own writing for a while. I feel you manage to nail it. This does more to impress upon you just how powerful Kareth is/was than any simple description ever could.
The only slight problem is that there is quite a lot of it. I realise this sounds very simple and slightly dumb, but after a while I got the message about this great and simultaneously tragic warrior, and just wanted to get on with the book.
Hope this is in some (small) way helpful,
Regards,
Jack
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/starlessjack
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 1:06am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
