Hello foxtale  ,
Thank you for the honor of asking me to review your writing "Adventures In Haiku -"  . I have found your words very helpful in my own personal adventures in Haiku/Senryu.
I offer the following suggestions respectfully. Please only accept what you find helpful. Always. David
Many writers today present Haiku as free verse, covering a myriad of subjects. While I enjoy modern Haiku verses, I feel there is greater gentleness and artistic challenge when composing Haiku in a traditional format. Choosing to compose Haiku in this style has proven successful for me, and I encourage you to try writing poems as traditional Haiku.
I like: greater gentleness and artistic challenge
Consider moving or deleting: Choosing to compose Haiku in this style has proven successful for me, and I encourage you to try writing poems as traditional Haiku.
Originating in 17th century Japan, traditional Haiku is recognized as an unrhymed verse of seventeen sound symbols. While modern Haiku in English has evolved somewhat from the traditional syllable count, Haiku continues to uphold such themes as nature, moments in time, and juxtaposed subjects. Steeped in Japanese culture and traditional nuances, Haiku can be formidable for Western writers, yet many enjoy this challenge and delight in a finished poem.
Add the word: an
Capitalize this where it appears: Western
Consider working this into paragraph 5: While modern Haiku in English has evolved somewhat from the traditional syllable count,
Traditional Haiku verse, written in English, is usually composed of three lines, having five, seven, and five syllables, respectively. The poem usually alludes to nature and Kigo, defined as a word, or words, establishing a season of the year. Although the verse is unrhymed, each line strives to be a complete thought, with the final line usually composed so as to create a juxtaposition of perception for the reader. But traditional Japanese Haiku does not limit this moment to the last line. It may utilize Kireji, a category of words that add structural support, or provide a dignified end to the poem. Lacking this specific formatting in English, kireji is sometimes represented by punctuation; typically, by an 'm dash' or rarely, with an exclamatory participle such as how or so. For example; So such is our life. How true this must be.
Consider changing one of these repeating words: usually
I like this (and have started using it in my haiku/senryu):
by an 'm dash'
Imagery will help one compose the poem. For me, Haiku may be thought of as a walk in a Japanese tea garden. The tranquil path goes forth then suddenly turns and one sees perhaps a waterfall, or a pagoda, maybe a statue hewn from rock, or a pond with waters rippled by colorful Koi fish; something that is juxtaposed against the tranquility of a gentle walk. That sudden turn, for me, is representative of the use of kireji, which defines the perception subtly built by the poetic structure.
I like this: as a walk in a Japanese tea garden.
While modern Haiku in English has evolved somewhat from the traditional syllable count, While modern Haiku in English has evolved somewhat from the traditional syllable count, While traditional Haiku were written in one line and not titled, western writers usually do title their poems. However, writers should not structure the title to be part of the poem. Also, they should avoid disclosing their juxtaposition of imagery in the title. At five, seven, and the concluding five syllables, composition of Haiku poetry is indeed hard work, but shouldn't writers take on a challenge once in a while?
Yes, I agree: but shouldn't writers take on a challenge once in a while?
Years ago, my Haiku "Wings" was published in Potpourri Magazine. I had structured the poem following the guidelines to meet the classical form of Haiku. This I hoped would ensure selection by the judging panel. I always suggest reading submission guidelines carefully in any writing challenge as a guide for success, especially when publication is the goal.
Wings - James Fox
Wings beat forgiveness
White cranes grow one thousand strong
Paper creased - folded
Analyzing the structure, note the beginning line. "Wings beat forgiveness." In many eastern cultures it is the crane, rather than the dove, that is the bird of peace. With that imagery to begin the poem, one can envision the writer perhaps viewing a bird of peace just beyond the window.
"White cranes grow one thousand strong." In the spring, cranes congregate at their nesting grounds, filling the sky as they wheel about with their majestic wings spread. This line added kigo, the seasonal element, usually found in traditional Haiku.
"Paper creased - folded." This is the juxtaposition of the poem against the reader's perception. I debated inserting a dash, but this use of keriji seemed necessary. Traditional Haiku sometimes uses a "cutting word" as keriji to create the inspiration or enlightenment within the poem. While readers may still envision the writer watching cranes beyond the window, I hoped they now realize the writer is folding origami cranes with wings outstretched. Is it a child, wishing for health and happiness? Or, perhaps a broken-hearted lover hoping to mend a relationship? This insertion of the human element may also cross into Senryu, a cousin of Haiku, usually based on presenting the foibles of human nature in the last stanza.
I like this explanation of Senryu:
This insertion of the human element may also cross into Senryu, a cousin of Haiku, usually based on presenting the foibles of human nature in the last stanza.
While working on this Haiku, I noticed in the guideline for submissions, one the judges would be from Japan. So, I relied upon a Japanese legend that folding one thousand paper cranes may grant a wish. First, I needed the readers to envision the cranes' nesting grounds of early spring. Then in the last line, I created the juxtaposition of the creased and folded paper, which takes the reader back to create an origami sculpture at their desk, which hopefully causes the readers to ponder this re-creation of nature.
Correction: ns, one the ju… that one of the
I like this detail: folding one thousand paper cranes may grant a wish.
This poem later was chosen to introduce "The Written Word" exhibits at the Sandhill Crane Festival in Lodi, California. For this author, that was more gratifying than the original publication, as I felt my poem had endured, living on long after the ink had dried. Along with the other authors in “the written word” exhibits, I attended the opening of the festival, where I actually folded several origami cranes at a hands-on exhibit table.
Congratulations: was chosen to introduce "The Written Word" exhibits at the Sandhill Crane Festival in Lodi, California.
For another Haiku composition published in Haiku Journal, I again chose a traditional Haiku style. When reading this poem, do you hear classical elements? What creates a seasonal element? Could it also be Senryu?
Secret Path - James Fox
Secret woodland path
Golden doe and spotted fawn
Hush - Footfalls pass by
Now, perhaps you envision a pebble strewn brook in the city park. Or maybe a lonely raven cawing on the Alaskan tundra. Or rugged cliffs buttressed against a raging sea. Where do your thoughts of nature lead you? Why not accept this writing challenge? Enjoy the adventures you will find in composing Haiku!
Notes -
This essay grew out my introduction of Haiku to writers attending a break-out session at a conference.
For that up-coming writers’ conference the writers’ group to which I belong was to handle several
break-out session presentations. "What's Haiku" was jotted down on the proposed syllabus sent to us.
I had several Haiku compositions already published, and had expressed my belief
that there is greater gentleness and artistic challenge in traditional formatting of Haiku.
So, my group suggested (or, rather, drafted) me as the moderator for a session
that would encourage compositions in traditional Haiku.
A local artist of renown loaned three paintings (alluded to in the essay's last paragraph)
specifically to encourage the composition of Haiku poems.
Another version of this essay was published as Traditional Haiku - A Western Perspective
in the poetry section of the Showbear Family Circus
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I like and agree with this belief:
expressed my belief that there is greater gentleness and artistic challenge in traditional formatting of Haiku.
The only other suggestion I could offer is that I have found using Grammarly helps with my writing.
Again, thank you for the honor of asking me to review your writing. I have found your words very helpful in my own personal adventures in Haiku/Senryu.
Always,
~~David
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I am David, I love writing and I am a dreamer.
Let us step beyond them. Great work! Thank you.