This was a good poem, Eliot. While it didn't make me cry, it was really sad and I bet it is really sensitive for you.
I find it interesting the way that you decided to make it a poem and split each line as you did. (That sentence really didn't make sense, did it?) I wouldn't break it down to such little pieces personally, but I don't know much about poetry so what does it matter what I say?
I like your use of words here. They fit really well and leave you with this eerie suspenseful feeling. Great poem Eliot!
However, some of the phrasing was tricky to understand because of the amazing vocabulary. I couldn't find "leggiadrous" in the dictionary and was wondering if it was in reference to "Leggiadro" which was there. Where do you get these incredible words?! I couldn't find "Osmagogue" or "noctuolent" either... Those couldn't even find something close. That is, if "noctuolent" isn't the same as "noctilucent"... Anyways, can I get a translation?
This is so eloquent and romantic sounding. I bet your wife loved it! This is really good work and I am glad I stumbled upon it!
This was hilarious! A little confusing to go back and forth between Shakespeare and Hick-speare but hey... I liked your use of old and new here. Shakespeare is such an anachronism that something so simple is so funny. Also, a great use and manipulation of language!
Great work here! I always enjoy reading your work! Keep on writing!
Star
PS: would have written more, but the missing fingers are kind of hindering...
This was good, especially considering it used only dialogue. The trick-or-treat thing made it much easier to understand the changes in people and places. A commendable job in that sense.
However, I am unsure of why you decided to put this in the horror/scary folder. It gave me no sense of that at all. Unfortunately, I don't really see any genre here at all. The plot is pretty tenuous.
Good work grammatically! It makes my job as a reader and reviewed so much easier when that is not a problem.
I'd have to say that overall, this was really good but that it is still missing a little something to make it great. It's like I wasn't hooked into it quite enough. I really like the way that you didn't give away so quickly that you were talking about Billy the Kid.
I didn't notice anything grammatical that was wrong and the storyline was good. Great work on this and I promise a better review on the next one!
Good job. You have a good plot and solid characters in this and description that lets you know just what's happening. It's hard to imagine it though. You can't close your eyes and see it all happening without thinking.
There are also some typos that I noticed in here that you might want to look over.
There was something about this... It doesn't seem very realistic and yet all too common. I'm not sure how to describe it.
Nice work Bernie. There were a few things that I would change in this poem and some things that I really liked too.
I did notice an error in here where it says, "I hold my breath / I could to ten..." I think that could here is supposed to be count but I'm really not sure. Something doesn't make sense here though. That is for sure!
Also, I think that the format that you have it in is a little overwhelming. I would try and separate this into stanzas. Also, the punctuation on here is something that I would look it. I believe that it looks better if the first letter in each line is capitalized and maybe some punctuation such as periods, commas and the like, but considering it's poetry, you are allowed to do whatever you want I guess.
I really liked the metaphorical feeling of the poem. This really works well here!
Overall, I would say to look at the format of the poem and make it cleaner looking. Good work!
Very good free verse Bernie! I love it! The pain and yet hope that this poem conveys is wonderful. I think that this poem represents the hearts of almost everyone at one point or another.
Looking through, there aren't any grammatical or spelling errors that I could find and there is little that I would change! Its wonderful!
I really liked how even though the pain was the focus of the poem, there was that hope of a better place and life that made everything ok. The emotions weren't overbearing when you read it but it made you feel good to know that there is hope.
Overall, I would say that this is a good poem that has great emotions and words to it. It flows well, is consistent, and has the emotion that a poem needs. Great work Bernie!
This was well written I have to say. I'm not sure if I like reading in italics. It's harder to read and is just easier if it's in plain text.
Also, I wasn't sure why there was a rhyming pattern to the chorus, but not the verses. Lyrics are so much better when the melody is available!
I couldn't find any mistakes here when it comes to grammar or spelling and it is very nice to have a consistency with the punctuation used.
I really liked how you conveyed a lot of emotion in these lyrics. It shows how much thought you put into this song. That's definitely impressive and is great to see.
Overall, I would say to look at the rhyming pattern and try to either make everything rhyme or nothing rhyme. Very well written indeed!
This definitely deserves the awardicon it received and the winning of the contest. It was incredible! So much description, emotion, painting, whatever you want to call it.
There wasn't a single error that I could find! I would change nothing in this whole reminiscent peice. It was very well written.
I really liked how for some reason, when I read this I could picture it, and yet, there was this misty covering as if there was a film over my eyes or you were on the top of a mountain where the clouds gather low in the sky creating an almost surreal image. Everything about it was so vivid.
Overall, I wouldn't change a thing. This story was amazing and I am very glad that I chose to read it.
Hilarious Love! I think that my dad would be the organised man with is very lucky for me. He's great, but sometimes he doesn't react at all to things and sometimes he goes way over the top. It's hard because he either completely and extremely inforces rules and parental judgement, or he doesn't do anything.
There were no errors or anything on your part that I could see. I love how you put an introduction and conclusion to it to make everything flow well.
My favorite part of this was how clearly you portray the different types of man there. It's very clear which one you like without even reading the conclusion.
Overall, I would say that there is little hope. Not for your writing, but for the race of mankind! They will always be this way, somehow!
Excellent Viv! Written very well for a contest I myself considered entering. Great prompts make even better stories!
I absolutely loved the suprise at the end! That was so unique and something I had never expected. Your readers are really surprised when reading that I bet!
You characters were all very realistic though some of it was confusing when you talking about the financial status of the brothers. It was easy to get confused who was who and hard to understand how exactly that worked.
Despite that, your writing really shines here. Your vocabulary is exercised, your characters are in depth and developed, the plot is good, everything!
I had trouble figuring out what I was going to make the father's reason for killing was and you did it very well. I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
I was a little unsure about this. It didn't seem quite a poem to me, but I don't have a whole lot of knowledge on poetry. I couldn't feel the rythm of the poem or find any patterns in it.
It has an excellent plot though and great wording. Everything fits and makes sense in the story and his very heartfelt by the reader.
I couldn't find any real grammatical or spelling errors and I can tell that you care about your writing enough to make sure everything is just right.
I especially liked the emotion shown in the writing. The funeral and crying, the love and hatred and yet not being able to hold that emotion long enough to act upon it. Everything was very realistic.
I would basically say that I don't know enough about poetry to be a good critique on structure, flow, or rythm here.
It's over?! I reached the end of it?! That's not fair! The QB must go on forever! Crys had quoted me before and now that one's gone... Now this QB ended and I can't read anymore? What on earth am I going to do? I'm going to die without being able to read more from lack of hilariousness! *dies*
Wait a second, no one was kidnapped here, or did I miss that? There has to be more chapters! Anyways, I thought that the story was really good right up until the middle of the second chapter. After that, I thought that the writing was just a little above average writing. I also noticed something about how you have people speaking: Each time a different person says something, there should be a break. For instance:
"Hello! How are you doing today?" asked the slender gentleman. His smile was bright as he greeted me.
I quickly replied, hoping that he was really as nice as he seemed. "I'm doing great!"
Do you get what I mean? Also, there are some typos in this peice like there was no space between words or something should have been capitalized but wasn't.
I really think that this peice has potenial! I would work out some of the finer points and then you will have a great story! I can't wait to read more!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/starcarter
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 12:07am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
