This poem is great. It sticks to me after I've read it. A suggestion for improvement: Maybe to make the poem a little bit longer, add a couple more lines -- it just didn't seem long enough to me. But I guess that's just my opinion. I like how you made the last four lines similar.
This is really cool :) The way you put it together is awesome. Haven't seen a poem like this one on WDC at all till this one. I like how it was designed to confuse, and still be able to understand if you go over it. Thanks for the great read! Keep writing, T.
Wow! I've never read anything like this. It's kinda funny in a dumb way. It's pretty weird how something can be like that -- you pick it up and it explains itself until you get it. That's pretty weird. It's like a ball with absolutely no point at all. But I like this story, it's good :)
Keep writing,
T
I found this in the plug forum and the description and title interested me (though you should probably caps that).
It's an okay poem but I think, although you are writing in a no-punctuation style, that you should capitalise the i's.
Maybe you could reword some lines also if you want it to flow.
Just my suggestions :)
As a draft, not so bad :) I'll help you out.
I'll assume this is one of those poems with like no caps, but I'll point out other punctuation (plus i's are a pet peeve of mine, so caps them).
deception <<< what's with this? If it's a title, make sure your title is the same as the one you advertise (blindness).
at that moment,something hit me and i realized < put a space next to the comma and capitalise the I
how much a person can be velnurable and hypnotized <vulnerable
but it was desperatelly all in my head, <this makes no sense, try a new sentence (plus: desperately)
that idea of never being angry or mad, < if you don't use punctuation on the other stanzas, don't here (take out commas)
hard to believe but it's true < put in some more words...it is hard...but it's very...
the only friend i had was you < I
before you break my heart into pieces and leave me to pain <if you want this to flow take out into pieces (plus doesn't make sense again)
i used to be the cute girl that drove everybody insane <I
dazzled with the truth that i finally found <I have
while i thought our love was so profound <I
i'm not pretty i must admit <I'm, I
and you were definitly not on my list <no sense
you came carrying your big fake smile
and fool i was to believe it for a while<a fool, I
when you pretend like you care
it made me feel willing to share <makes (if present tense to match earlier sentence, or change it)
the secrets and confessions i only tell <I
either to mom or my little bear <to my mom
i went to surprise you that day <I
holding my present in the hallway
when i heard the lies you have said <I, change sentence no sense (lies you have said? change it)
i was only the subject of your bet <I
how hard and backbreaking to say <backbreaking?
i was in the middle of a dirty play <I
now,lying in my bed and the noise is loud <space after comma
feeling stabbed and crying my heart out <feeling...replace stabbed
in every word i hear <I
i was dropping a tear <I
mad i was like hell that's for sure <I
i needed to heal and find a cure <I
my salvation appeared as the shape of revenge
very tempting idea but a little bit over the edge <take out bit
i could not care less for how much is it going to cost me <I, it is
he needs to pay for what he did and nothing will stop me
then,forgiveness came across my path very fast <space after comma
before even we blink our eyes the present is the past
Overall not really that flowy...need to replace a few things, change a few lines...try not to force the rhymes because it make the poem not make sense.
Sorry for any offense
The places are much deserved!
Your repetition and the syllables make your poem flow (I seem to be finding more and more flowy poems) and it adds to the overall 'Beautiful Disaster' feeling.
Have you ever heard the song of your poems name by Kelly Clarkson? :)
Keep Writing!
This story is great!
I like how you've made the superstition turn out all wrong, and at the end it ends up lucky after all.
All the way through I was laughing, and at the end it was so sweet I had a huge grin on my face :D
Corrections:
I stood my gorund -- should be 'ground'
AGain -- should be 'again'
Most likely just typos that you need to correct.
A cool flowy poem which describes perfectly a good relationship (on your part, since 'you' got pissed) which ends greatly.
I love how you explained it as keeping the horse before the cart.
This is amazing! It is a very clever and unique item, something great that everyone on WDC can recognise and laugh about. It describes everything perfectly. The way that you've made WDC a place, the people in different colours and outfits, it's all something I would never have thought of! This is great. Thanks for the read!! :)
Perfectly expressing what your writing means to you. I'm sure many people on WDC feel the same about their writing, and I definitly do. I am very happy with this poem. It was a nice, short and sweet read. Another favourite of mine :) Keep on writing!!
There are no grammatical, punctual or spelling errors I can see in this piece.
I actually think I like this poem better than any that I have read here on WDC. It is really good, congratualations from one writer to another. As a reader, I am amazed at the ways you put this across. The language is beautiful, the metaphors etc suit it perfectly and I am very satisfied with this poem. I cannot explain how much I really do like this poem, and I hope there are more like tis in your port.
Thanks for the fantastic read! Keep Writing.
Tara.
This short poem is very interesting to me. As a writer, I can understand exactly how you have described these things. As a reader, I am happy to have stumbled across this item. Short and to the point, very poetic and flowy, it's a great read.
Keep writing!
This story is so cheeky and hilarious. I spent half the time reading this laughing! It's very cute and very funny, and I love the childish attribute you have added. It is very amusing to see how you have put across this little girl. She must be very young. I'm guessing around... 4-6? Thanks for the read.
In the third stanza, the last line, you need to end it with a question mark. I love your very last line the most, but I think it would be better to insert a comma after 'Well' -- maybe it's just me but I think it would read better then.
It's a great poem that I enjoyed reading, I like the language you used and the way you made it flow, the poetic tools and the way you put your stanzas together.
I am surprised and happy to see this poem has not attempted to make everything rhyme (a lot of people think poems have to rhyme and force it, which ruins things) and I hope you can keep writing like this! :)
I don't like what happened to you but it's inspirational that you can talk about it so openly and help others like that. I hope nothing like that ever happens to you or anyone ever again, and I hope that if it does they are brave enough to tell someone and strong enough to get through it. Keep writing.
I really like this item. I've read plenty of things about homeless people and people in this type of situation, and I absolutely love the last two stanzas. I can't see any obvious spelling or grammar or punctuation mistakes, so this item, for me, is definitly a 5. Thanks for the read. Keep writing!
I love how you saved the thing about 'Baby' being a dog till the very end. I can't see any obvious grammar or spelling or punctuation mistakes. It's a short and sweet little item, this. Made me smile at the dog's goofiness :) I think it's very clever how you put this item together and I hope you write more like it.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/stara19796
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 7:39am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
