\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/stacybaird
Review Requests: OFF
18 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Piper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Help Me Get Published  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Here is the review you asked for. I hope it helps.

Let me say first, that from this small glimpse, it looks like you have the makings of a very thrilling crime drama.

Now to dive in: I'd eliminate the first sentence and reword the others in the first paragraph. Try to show the reader what the conditions were like. Maybe something like: Clark Hartford squinted his eyes and peered into the fog. The wiper blades, against his clouded windshield, set a cadence, as they struggled to beat back the pelting rain. I'm sure you can word it better, but remember to SHOW and not TELL.

Paragraph 2 is back story. You should try to eliminate this in the beginning. It slows the story down and could potentially cause you to lose the reader. This may be important information, but it could probably be incorporated later. ...or just worded different. How about incorporating part of it into paragraph 1 and say something like: The car maneuvered along Highway 20 with practiced ease, but Clark's knuckles still turned white around the wheel. The thought of what he'd find at that remote campground sickened him even as the dispatcher relayed the anonymous call.--This keeps in in the now and creates a pretty good hook, making the reader want to continue on.

Watch the -ly words. Those pesky adverbs can actually complicate what you're trying to say. Search for the RIGHT verb. If you don't it's considered lazy writing and editor/publishers won't even look at you. Note: some writers refuse to use any. (I'm not that good. I still struggle with adverbs. You are not alone.)

I like the dialog here.

Three Thirty Three, thirteen minutes have elapsed and I have passed no one. - Think about changing this to: Thirteen minutes have elapsed and Clark was alone on the road. -That way, if you put his next thought in italics it becomes more meaningful.

The next paragraph is confusing in two ways. One: you switch tenses. Two: I'm expecting a camping site, but instead I find out the call came from a service station.

Now we're back to talking about the campground. Are there many REMOTE campgrounds with gas stations? Hmmm, ok, now I see he the campground is further up the road. It might be helpful to make that a little more clear.

Is that current that courses through him anxiety or something more supernatural? It's hard to tell.

I like the imagery in the next paragraph, but I would try not to repeat the word gate.

The next paragraph really slows things down. You go from him jilting to a stop and then sitting in his car making a radio call. Maybe going on to the next paragraph you could just say: After radioing in his location he walked to the....

The next section you're TELLING me about the three things that Clark sees. Re-work this and SHOW me those things. Let me (the reader) stand next to Clark as he's witnessing the scene.

If you want the reader to FEEL something when Clark dies, then you have to help me relate to him. What does he look like? Drop some hints. Maybe somewhere he catches a glimpse of his reflection in the rear view mirror. What does he feel when these things are happening? I want to know what ran through his head when he saw the arrow pointed at him. Or, how about when he was laying there, witnessing his last moments? The more I feel I KNOW him, the more impact his final scene will have.

Maybe instead of saying Chief Jones is speechless, you could describe what you mean by that. Maybe he paused and tried to control his breathing while his thoughts went to Clark's family and what he was going to say. Maybe he bit his lip and swallowed his anger at the man responsible for killing one of his own.

I like the dialog that comes next. Very believable.

Why does willing his legs forward give him heartburn? If it's not that, then it makes me wonder what DOES gives him heartburn. I associate heartburn with eating and he's heading to a crime scene with a fresh corpse. EEEEWWW!!!

You've spoken twice about officer Jenkins speaking animatedly. Describe that for me. I want to see it. Does he wave his hands around? Point excessively? Dance a jig while he talks?

If speaking the Lord's name is vain is uncharacteristic of the Chief, then how about some reaction from Officer Jenkins and whoever else may have been standing around the first time. Wouldn't it at least have caused some worried glances?

The last part (C.J. Hansen) switches back and forth between a monologue and a narration. A story/novel can't have a monologue. It's called a narrator intrusion and is a big no-no. I like where you're going with this character, but the jumps between fist person and monologue is distracting.

Things to work on:
Maintaining your chosen tense
Showing not telling
Finding the right verbs


It really is a great start. Good luck and keep writing.
2
2
Review by Piper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Help Me Get Published  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Thylacine,

I just joined "Help me get published," and saw your review request. Hopefully something I can offer will help you. Keep in mind, I am not published and still have a lot of work to do myself. I overuse adverbs (it's a sickness), I mix up my tenses sometimes, and comma's are a mystery. BUT, I love to tell a story, so there's hope for me. Anyway, with that said, I hope my review will somehow help you.

The first part of this (in my opinion) bogs the reader down in back story. There is A LOT of information here. London is wracked with plague, Edmond's mother was believed to have killed herself, but Edmond knew better (murdered by a priest?), he's been walking the streets ever since her death, he saw a headline in a newspaper stating his father had been killed, he meets a young boy named Jacob, and Jacob hides him from a priest who comes looking. That's a lot for the reader to absorb and much of it at this point doesn't do anything to move the story forward.

Think about starting the story when Edmond realizes he's being followed by the priest and he runs into Jacob. It's a much more interesting part of the story and could really hook your reader in right at the beginning. Some of WHY's can be answered as you move through the story. We (the reader) don't need to know so much right from the beginning. ...makes me want to turn the page.

I liked the interaction between Edmond and Jacob. Very good characters.

Something I struggle with, and it seems you do to, is writing with a passive voice. Be careful not to use sentences such as:
The streets of London were littered with the bodies...
He had walked the streets since...
All he had hoped for...
A passive voice happens when a form of "to be" is followed by a past participle. Look for these words: is, are, am, was, were, has been, have been, had been, will be, will have been, being...whew, that's a lot. Now, are they followed by a verb that ends in "ed"? (Note: there are some exceptions to the "ed" rule: paid and driven are a couple of examples) Fixing these will help clarify your writing. I hear they consider us lazy writers if we don't. If I haven't explained this well enough...and I probably haven't because I'm still tormented by it, try looking it up on the internet. Learning it now will pay off in the editing process later. (at least that's what I'm telling myself).

The other thing I would suggest is to add some of Edmond's feelings in. He's just lost his mother. Is he scared? worried? angry? He's getting ready to leave everything he knows and become a cabin boy. Is he elated? nervous? sure of himself? Help me relate to him. Feelings puts some flesh on your character.

Overall, I have to say I'm interested in the escapades of Edmond and Jacob aboard ship and you did a good job with the dialog. Jacob makes me smile.

Keep writing,

Piper
3
3
Review by Piper Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
You nailed this. I know...believe me I know. After my grandpa passed away, my grandma needed someone to stay with her and assist her in her daily life. The rest of my family was all to busy and couldn't or wouldn't offer much help. They forgot the promise we all made to my grandma many years before. You see, my grandma, in her early days worked at a nursing home. She was haunted by the loneliness and abuse she witnessed there. In her later years the idea that we'd ever put her there tortured her. She made us all promise that she'd live at home until the day she died. I didn't know then how hard that promise would be to keep.

I quit my job, but was lucky enough to find a new one that would let me work at home. I moved my husband and I into my grandparents home and did what I had to do. I lived there for over 2 years that way, and with each passing day I watched as her mind diminished. She loved to watch those old game show re-runs on TV, but even those lost any enjoyment as things got worse. She'd come to believe the contestants were coming to hurt her and there was nothing you could do to convince her otherwise. She'd wait for grandpa to come home from work and then worry when he didn't show up. My heart ached for her. She couldn't appreciate the company of family or friends. Her paranoia had grown to such levels, she didn't trust hardly anyone.

Sometimes I caught myself wishing God would just take her home, then I'd feel terribly guilty. I loved her so very much. She didn't look or act the same as the grandmother who raised me, but every once in a while God would give me a glimpse...a reminder of what and who I was doing all this for.

She whispered a postscript to her earlier prayer: “But not yet, Lord --- Not yet.” - Great job Winnie!!
4
4
Review by Piper Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I know nothing about poetry. I have no idea, based on poetic standards if this is good or bad. BUT, I do know it made me laugh, and that should be all the matters, right?

Great job!

Piper
5
5
Review by Piper Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Am I supposed to understand it? It managed to peak my interest, but at the same time it totally confused me.
6
6
Review by Piper Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You're a much more advanced writer than I am. I'm very impressed with your work. Sorry I can't critique it for you because I can't find anything wrong. That might be because I'm just a beginning writer or because your just that good idk. Anyway, great job!
6 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/stacybaird