\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sssam
Review Requests: OFF
206 Public Reviews Given
230 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review of My love  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Chris
I'm just doing a random review and happened to see your poem titled My Love.
I enjoyed the simple rhyme and the easy flow to this poem.

I did stumble on the second line of the second paragraph "I would love to make you wife" since I think you need a determiner before the word wife.. maybe "a" wife/ "my" wife/ "a magical" wife.

I enjoyed the repetition of the first sentence of the first and third stanza "my blood boils when.." since that made this statement stand out and created a greater importance of your feelings.
But the next sentence seems to have a grammatical error since if you are using the verb "are" then you should say I "have" ever found. Check the tense on this line.

Overall I enjoyed this poem. It was a declaration of love and it ended in a romantic proposal.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of My Poet Tree  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sharkdaddy I have read your poem "My Poet Tree" Open in new Window.
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.

First impression
I really appreciate your association of a poem with a tree. For such a short poem you have created great imagery, and I can now see a perfect poem being a magnificent vibrant tree full of vibrant flowers and full of birds and life. Wow what a great idea! But to tell the truth lately my tree has been poorly neglected, and my last attempts at poetry have pretty disappointing - so I really relate to the words "sappy words....oozing through"

Diction/ Rhythm / Rhyme
Your diction was simple yet concise and clear. I really enjoyed the simplicity and the directness of your message. All words flowed easily, and using first person was a plus since it made it that bit more personal.


Structure/ Theme
The tree structure was visually striking and well tied in to the main idea.
As for the theme, I am sure all writters have felt this way quire a few times, so we can all relate to it. Overall this is a great refreshing and interesting poem - a great read!

Thanks for sharing your work- I hope to read more soon

SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
3
3
Review of Down at the Inn  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi

I have just read your item "Down at the Inn" Open in new Window. and these are my humble comments. I send them in a hope that they can be helpful to you, but note that these are personal opinions and are by no means better than yours.

First Impression:
Wow this was a thriller. There is a secret affair, a double crossing, a few missing people, some murders, a crazy pshyco, and and investigation that doesnt let you know what happened until the end. This was great.


Suggestions:
My only suggestions would be to add a bit more scenery to the story. You named her Lady Marion and had the King trust her with the money, but I would have liked more medieval settings and maybe traditions remind me where they were. But I must admit, being such a short story this might be a bit hard to do.

Plot / Characters:
As I mentioned the plot was great, and I was in suspense right to the end.

Structure & Grammar:
No suggestions here, all good to me. *Smile*

*Star* *Star**Star**Star*
Thank you for sharing your work, it was a great read.

Samantha
sssam-on the way back Author Icon
4
4
Review of Shopping day  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi PaulO I have read your story :"Shopping day" Open in new Window.
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.

First impression
Your story enticed me from the very beginning, and you kept me in suspense until the end. What is wrong with George and the smell? Unfortunately I still haven't figured it out, and would have liked to know what happened. This actually seems like just a chapter in a novel and I missed out some important chapters.So do write more so that I can see what happens next!


Setting / Plot
The plot was intriguing, original, and exciting.- I will now wonder what is in the basements of the local corner stores from now on! (lol)


Characters
Even though George had a peculiar problem no one seemed to notice, your characters seemed credible and real. I did however get lost with Tim. You didn't really introduce him and I got lost when you mentioned the basement and the runaway. I would have liked it if you expanded this a bit more.


Grammar/Spelling/Dialogue
I just have a few suggestions for this.
- 1st sentence might be best to change breath for breathe "tried to (breathe) through his mouth"
-2nd paragraph last line might change and for a coma "rows of dusty cans(,) expired cereals and a produce section"
- 5th paragraph 1st sentence has a word missing "(with)His basket full he walked to the counter

Best part
As I said I loved the intrigue and the plot, you really kept me reading right up until the end.
This has been a nice read.

Thanks for sharing your work- I look forward to reading more soon.
SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
5
5
for entry "Chocolate..." Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Lonewolf

I have just read your work Chocolate and here is my review of this poem


*Star* Overall impression :
Well, being a chocolate lover myself I obviously loved this poem. I totally understand the love/ hate/ but truly love relationship I have when eating chocolate. At first I experience the feelings of lust and admiration unwrapping it, then it transforms to desire while eating away, I then turn to total surrender and once finished I am definitely grateful of the pure pleasure I've had.
You amplified these experiences in each stanza of the poem, and had me wanting more once finished. I also quite liked the repetition of the word "Chocolate...." throughout the poem, it not only made me pause and saviour each thought, but it was kind of like placing subliminal messages in the movies.. I just wanted chocolate even more!! hhmmmmm *Smirk*


*Star* Structure :
As I mentioned, I really enjoyed that you divided each stanza into a different emotion. You used great imagery and the idea of making chocolate a mistress and personificating it worked really well.


*Star* Suggestions :
My only small suggestions would be to add some simple rhyme. On the third stanza the last two lines rhymed, and on the last stanza the first two lines rhymes, but I later realized this was just a coincidence and it actually sounded nice.


*Star* Best part :
Obviously the topic was my favourite part, but I must mention that your diction and imagery was great too.

*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back Author Icon
6
6
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Nicki. I have read your poem :"The Call of a Whale" Open in new Window.
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.

First impression
WOW! that was my first impression. I LOVE this poem. It has it all, its not only visually stimulating, it has great imagery, perfect rhyme, constant flow and even an inspirational story behind it.. Great stuff

Diction/ Imagery
You enticed me with the first line "My name is Dylan..." this automatically linked me to the story and the fact that you explained the history and the family conflict in the next few lines was great. I was hooked after the seagulls screeched... (LOL) The rest was picture perfect as I could see the "cacti's harsh embrace, the thalassic prodigy, the orcan idealist .. great imagery there.

Rhythm /Rhyme Scheme
The rhyme was simple and effective, and the rhythm was strong and steady throughout the entire poem.


Best Part
I really appreciated the structure and the visual aspect of this poem. I must also say that the theme was original and also inspirational at the same time. This is a definite 5 star rating.

So a big thanks to you for sharing your work- I hope to read more soon

SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
7
7
for entry "One Minute Resolution" Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi afaith

I have just read your item "Flash Fiction Book" Open in new Window. and these are my humble comments.

First Impression:
This is a good read. I too am a stubborn woman I can really relate to your story. I sometimes overdo it when trying to prove to myself that I can do it just like the others (especially when its a male/female issue)!

I really enjoyed the ending since you neatly tied up the "one minute" theme, and also made me aware of how some of us overdo it in order to prove something that is probable not even necessary to do..

Plot / Characters:
For such a short story you did well. I was enticed early on and kept entertained until the last minute. I got a good impression of your lead character and really enjoyed sharing her thoughts. It is a shame it was such a short story since I would have liked to know more.

Structure & Grammar:
I only stumbled on the the second line. "press 200-lbs for reps in" I am thinking that the word for might not be necessary in that sentence.


This has been a great read.
*Star* *Star**Star**Star*


Samantha
sssam-on the way back Author Icon
8
8
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Countrymom

I have just read your work Christmas Blessings. and here is my review of this poem
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
This is a great poem. I really enjoyed the simplicity but also the truth behind your message.. It made me cherish my Christmas


*Star* Structure :

you used a simple structure with easy rhyme and fluid rhythm that worked well. I found it easy to read and thus quite entertaining.


*Star* Suggestions :
My only suggestion would be to check the second last stanza... somehow the rhyme pattern is not the same as the rest there.


*Star* Best part :
To tell the truth I enjoyed the frankness of this poem. I am sure we all complain about Christmas every now and then so its good to remind ourselves the good things behind it.

*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back Author Icon
9
9
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Nanseania

I have just read your work *1440196* and here is my review of this poem
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
WOW, what a great poem. I have to say I am big Dr Seuss fan (I learned to read and write with my Dr Seuss books!) so I really enjoyed this.
You used a simple mundane item such as TO DO LIST to paint a picture of your busy personal life. Its like you opened a small window and I could see what a day in your life is like. (busy busy busy just like mine!)



*Star* Structure/Rhyme/rhythm :
The rhyme and flow was fast but steady somehow reminding me of your busy day. The wording was direct and rushed and there was no room for any extra or extravagant words fitting in well with the theme. The rhyme was fluent and easy and though I am not so sure of the words "salon" and "lawn" actually rhyme there was no need to be perfect since Dr Seuss wasnt so and thats what we like about him! *Smile*


*Star* Suggestions :
No suggestions.. just for you to write more!


*Star* Best part :
i really like the theme and originality and lightheartedness of the poem. After reading a few emotionally drainig poems today, I really appreciated this trivial but very interesting and even humorous poem.

*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back Author Icon
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
10
10
Review of Spoken With Love  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi WhoMe??
I have just read your work "Spoken With Love" Open in new Window.
This review is part of the PDG Rocking Review Package you have received. I hope my comments are useful to you

*Star* FIRST IMPRESSION
To tell the truth the title and the description of your poem didn't really say much. It sounds a bit cliche and made me think of a typical "my heart aches so and so" love poem. So I am glad to say I received a great surprise when reading on. You explained my true feelings about Valentines Day, I hate the marketing and the consumerism behind the day, but even though I complain about it I must also admit that I love it when I get a Valentines Day present and get a surprise that day! *RollEyes*


*Star* STRUCTURE/ STORY LINE
You used a simple structure here that worked well ,and the easy rhyme helped keep a steady and interesting flow. You wrote in first person and this added that special personalized feeling that made this poem stand out.

*Star* SUGGESTIONS
My only suggestion would be to recheck the line_
"but Love, My Heart, your the best in the land."
I suggest you change either the word 'Love' or 'My Heart' since it seems a bit forced having them both together in the same line. Maybe you can change it for a more personal motto so that the reader fell identified with the scene.



*Star* BEST PART
LOL ..its an easy decision.. I love the line:
"You had gone out and bought me the biggest paper-weight,
A KITCHENAID mixer and a deep fat fryer, in slate."
LOL *Smile* (still laughing!)



Thanks for sharing, I really enjoyed the read. *BigSmile*

sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

11
11
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Sherri

I have just read your work "A PIECE OF MY HEART" Open in new Window.
This review is part of the PDG Rocking Review Package you have received. I hope my comments are useful to you

*Star* FIRST IMPRESSION
TO tell the truth the title of this poem seemed a bit cliche at first, but I am glad that I opened it and read it. It is great to read a positive love story with a happy ending and even nicer to think that even though there are problems along the way, love can overcome it all. You left a lovely and happy thought there for me to ponder about tonight! *Heart*

*Star* STRUCTURE/ STORY LINE

The simple 4 line 4 stanza structure works well here since it allows you to add the rhyme and the steady flow without overdoing it.

*Star* SUGGESTIONS
I only have very small suggestions:-

1- FLOW.
The flow was a bit unsteady on the second line. I suggest to add a word or two to the line since it seems a bit short when compared with the rest in the stanza. Maybe you can add and adjective to describe you heart and set and impacting image to kick start the reader. How about a righteous heart, or a palpitating heart, beaming heart or a wounded heart??? there are hundreds of possibilities there.

2- RHYME
Check the rhyme of the last two lines in the second stanza. I am not really sure about the words "love " and "of"
I also stumbled over the last two lines since "easily" and "eternally" though with a bit of poetic licence you could get away with that one *Wink*

*Star* BEST PART
The starting lines set a lovely image and the idea of giving a piece of your heart to another demonstrates the love you have and go on to describe.
"Of all the places I know where to start,"
I give to you a piece of my heart."


I enjoyed reading your work. Thanks for sharing*BigSmile*

sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

12
12
Review of Kings and Poets  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi P.Lima

I have just read your work Kings and Poets and here is my review of this poem
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
This is a powerful, emotionally charged poem that really touched me. The poem description made me doubt, especially the brief mention about not overstaying as it can be dangerous since this line is a bit cliched, but as I read the poem I realized that it it much more direct, original and impacting than I thought. I am so glad I read it! *Smile*


*Star* Structure :
You used a simple free verse structure that worked really well. It seems that you had such emotional force behind your words that you needed to let them out all at once and at your own speed and pace, without limits or rules. I also enjoyed your wording, you used simple but direct concise words that describe the picture all by them selves. You started with a great line "Turn out the lights and dance" that set the mood right from the start.


*Star* Suggestions :
My only suggestions would be to check the second line, the word "to" is probably not necessary there. I must also point out that the line "Get Out!" is so powerful and fits in so well with your message that I would personally place it in the end to finish the poem with a mighty punch and thus knock out the reader! *Wink* (but that is just a personal note, I must admit that there is nothing wrong with the way you have it now.)

*Star* Best part :
As I mentioned I really enjoyed the originality, frankness and power behind this poem. I was a great read

*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Thank you for sharing your work.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back Author Icon
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
13
13
Review of Good Man's Shadow  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Worrier poet I have read your poem :"Good Man's Shadow" Open in new Window.
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.

First impression
I was enticed by the title as first glance, but I must then admit the I got hooked as soon as I started reading your poem. I find it very original, frank and also inspiring.

Diction
You used simple but very effective diction. There was no need for fancy poetry structures or even rhymes, since the brutal idea of having an evil side of you lurking in your shadow is very powerful. *Wink* great stuff!

Best Part
I really love the ending. You first paint a picture of a perfect man, then how he one day looks down and finds his shadow that has grown evil. This is a bit thrilling and even eerie, but you somehow manage to brighten up the day with the line "The man just grins and goes back to work." WOW so good...*Bigsmile*

This poem is great, I must confess that it has been one of the best ones I have read lately.. Thanks for sharing your work- I hope to read more soon

SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
14
14
Review of A Mothers Love  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Angie I have read your poem :"A Mothers Love" Open in new Window.
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.

First impression
I am not a mother myself, but I did feel that motherly love, understanding and passion that you wove though the entire poem. You expressed your feelings clearly and loudly and I really enjoyed this simple but emotive poem. *Smile*


Diction / Imagery
Your words were clear and straight forward, making it easy to view that perfect mother we all want to be. However I did stumble on the last stanza.
"An adults now for many years...their own tells stories of,"
I am not sure why you chose the sentence structure this way , I did have to re-read it to understand it. Should the word adult be singular since you have "an" before it?? It sounds better to me saying "their own stories of".

Rhythm / Rhyme
There was a nice steady flow and a comfortable rythm throughout your poem.
Though I did notice on the last stanza that the words "of" and "love" don’t really rhyme as nicely.

Best Part
In general I really like the sense of gratitude and admiration you make of your mother (or every mother in general), and you sum up the poem with a lovely line “and endless is her love” .
So nice e:wink}

Thanks for sharing your work- I hope to read more soon

SAM
15
15
Review of Grey Sins.  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi
HI Laramie
I have just read your work "Grey Sins." Open in new Window.
I am offering some humble comments in a hope that they can be useful to you.


*NoteV* First impression
This poem was like a fast paced rollercoaster ride. You visually described a mis of emotions starting with guilt, then regret, then love, then confusion, and even a scary remorse.. Wow this was really good *Wink*

*NoteV* My favourite part
I really enjoyed the originality of the poem and the idea of having "grey" sins- not back or white, but grey like many things we do that are sometimes not so clear to define.

*NoteV* Technical Aspects
AS I mentioned this poem had a fast emotional flow, the free structure worked well. Y0u used simple but concise diction and in a a way you didnt mention your sin though we can all imagine it! *Wink*

*NoteV* Suggestions
My only suggestion would be not to repeat the words "greysins" so often. In a way this poem reminded me of a song with its verses rather that a poem with its stanzas.

Thank you for sharing this poem, I enjoyed reading your work. I hope to read more soon, so keep writing!

SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
16
16
Review of I Lost My Mind  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
HI Daizy
I have just read your work "I Lost My Mind" Open in new Window.
I am offering some humble comments in a hope that they can be useful to you.


*NoteV* First impression
This is a simple yet very impacting poem that makes me stop and think about the way we think and act. I like the idea that when you loose your mind, it is when we are as you say "ina a blissful state" and it is actually or mind and our bad thoughts that stop us being happy. It seems ironic that in order to do good and be happy we must loose our minds and in some way "not think about it"!

*NoteV* My favourite part
You described various mundane situations such as choosing what clothes to wear, having two left feet, and worrying about what to eat; these are things that we can all realte to quite often, and I will now think twice about.

*NoteV* Technical Aspects
This poem has a lovely soft and emotive flow that makes me ponder over the theme and open my eyes. You used a simple quatrain with ABAB rhymes that helped keep a constant rythm.

*NoteV* Suggestions
NONE.. all just too good! As I said, its a great poem! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for sharing this poem, I enjoyed reading your work. I hope to read more soon, so keep writing!

SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
17
17
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Wren
I have just read your work "The Bakeshop Window" Open in new Window.
I am offering some humble comments in a hope that they can be useful to you.


*NoteV* First impression
This was an original and impressive poem. You humanized a mundane item such as the bakeshop window and I now see it as a powerful, seductive and even slightly self-possessed predator waiting to lure the stray that fall into its alluring trap (being the baked delights!) WOW what a wonderful idea for a poem!

*NoteV* My favourite part
As I mentioned I love the theme and the personification of such a normal item we all see every day. I must also say that you used great diction and created a perfect picture using words like "laden with glistening strawberry tarts", " I am a temptress" and "I yearn to give you pleasure"

*NoteV* Technical Aspects
The free form, and free structure in this poem worked well. There was no need for any fancy forms or even rhyme since the theme and the imagery was powerful enough to stand on its own.


*NoteV* Suggestions
This is more a commentthan a suggestions, but I have never used the word "bakeshop" ... we ( I mean UK based English speakers) use "bakery" so I must admit is sounds a bit strange to me.
In anycase I get to say that I have learnt a new word today *Wink*

Thank you for sharing this poem, I enjoyed reading your work. I hope to read more soon, so keep writing!

SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
18
18
Review of Love Song  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
HI Max

I have just read your work "Love Song" Open in new Window.
I am offering some humble comments in a hope that they can be useful to you.


*NoteV* First impression
This is a moving poem that seems to tell a touching story of a powerful love. You actually make it seem like a story with each stanza representing a separate paragraph of time. Your transitions from the love making, to the first time you met to the passing of time and then the missing of your love is wonderful. I must also admit that you gave a powerful punch on the last stanza, I was drifting away with the lovely romantic images, and then you suddenly exploded my bubble describing that you are now alone with a heart of steel and enduring a dirge from void.... You made me empathize completely with the story.


*NoteV* My favourite part
You wrote in first person, nearly as if you where having a direct conversation to your love... this reinforces that special relationship the poem paints between the two of you.
As I mentioned before, that last stanza is extremely compelling, and I especially enjoyed the last line "That great distance between us that death does reveal."
It somehow leaves me lingering with a sweet but also bitter taste since the magical love you describes seems wonderful but the fact that it has now passed away evokes pure grief.
I must admit that you did a great job stirring my emotions here!! *Blush*

*NoteV* Technical Aspects
The anapaestic tetrameter worked well, and created a constant flow that was lengthy but steady, fitting in well with the melancholy theme.

I did find that in some cases the word structure of the lines were a bit forced in order to fit in with the technical aspects. This I especially noticed in the first stanza, since I had to re-read it a few time to understand the first sentence that seem a bit too long (five lines with a lot of words)

I also found the wording a bit hard to follow. It reminds me of an old Shakespeare/ Victorian times scene. You used lines like "do whispers divine and exalted", "held in our bosoms", "we long to dispose" and "love first did bloom" that we don't hear very often. I had to concentrate to get the image in my mind, though I must say that it was a nice change and I did enjoy it.

*NoteV* Suggestions
My only other suggestion would be to change the comment below the title. There is no need to ask the reader sif you have managed to write a poem, there is no need to question yourself about that! *Wink*


Thank you for sharing this poem, I enjoyed reading your work. I hope to read more soon, so keep writing!

SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
19
19
Review of Writer's Block  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi emerin-liseli

I have just read your work "Writer's Block" Open in new Window.
I am offering some humble comments in a hope that they can be useful to you.


*NoteV* First impression

This is a great poem. You truly answered what as an author I always ask myself when I hit that dreaded "writer's block" you mention in the title.
WHY? Why do I keep writing?
You clearly not only answer the question, but subtly manage to motivate me to keep going.

I am sure I am not the only one that thinks this, and I am guessing that most writers (all here in WDC surely) will identify with what you say here. You evoke empathy, understanding, and optimism in this simple but genuinely powerful poem.

*NoteV* My favourite part

Your word choices and metaphors are great. The idea that the words are indicators of a soul and even miracles and diamonds in rough, and that phrases are like strings that knit to make a whole creates wonderful vivid images that somehow inspire me to write even more! -- --Have to give you a big thanks for that! *Wink*


*NoteV* Technical Aspects

You inspire with simple but concise words using a powerful but smooth flow to reinforce your images.
The iambic tetrameter worked well, but to tell the truth I felt that the rhyme scheme was not really necessary. I didn't quite catch the rhyme flow, maybe because I was absorbed in the poem right from the beginning, or maybe because it was a bit technical and not so simple and obvious. But I must emphasize that in any case it did not hinder the poem in any way.


*NoteV* Suggestions

My only small suggestion is to recheck the title. As you know the title is important to attract readers, and must somehow tie in to the poem. My first impression was that this was a poem about writer's block, but I feel this limits your poem since it really isn't so. This poem actually portrays the reasons writers write, and can be applied to any moment and not just the writer's block situation. Also to tell the truth, the "writer's block" topic can be a bit cliché.. I would suggest something more inspiring to fit in to your uplifting and surprising poem.


Thank you for sharing this poem, I truly enjoyed reading your work. I hope to read more soon, so keep writing!

SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
20
20
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
HI Lou
I have just read your work "New Orleans Street Lights" Open in new Window.
I am offering you my humble comments in a hope that they can be useful to you.


*NoteV* First impression
I have to admit this is a great poem. As soon as I finished I automatically re-read it because I wanted more! You stirred my emotions and even though I have never been in New Orleans, I could imagine the despairing and melancholycal ambience in the air.

*NoteV* My favourite part
Sorry to say I have no favourite part here, the truth is I really enjoyed it all. The wording, the imagery, the flow and the feel. Its too hard to choose the best part! (LOL)

*NoteV* Technical Aspects
I am not very familiar with Lilibonelles, but as a simple reader I found that it worked really well in this poem. I appreciated the repetition of the lines, and each stanza represented a different thought and situation that helped paint a bigger picture.

*NoteV* Suggestions
My only suggestions would be to change the first word of the poem. The phrase "no streetlights create..." feels a little awkward, I also think that there are more powerful words that can be used here. How about using other words like missing, broken, dormant, abandoned or forsaken streetlights?

Thank you for sharing this poem, I enjoyed reading your work. I hope to read more soon, so keep writing!

SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
21
21
Review of 桜  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
HI K.N. Sheilds

I have just read your work "桜" Open in new Window.
I am offering some humble comments in a hope that they can be useful to you.


*NoteV* First impression
Your poem is original, appealing and abstract (note that I mean that in a positive way! *Wink* )
The title was the first thing that caught my attention since I have no idea what it says or means,and when reading I got the impression that this is a style of poetry that I am not not familiar with. It is not the typical standard poem I often read, but even so I immediately understood and felt the sensation of love (that we all know is a universal thing).


*NoteV* My favourite part

I really enjoyed the first stanza, but mostly the first line. "Rain falls like natural love," This simile is great, it kick-started my imagination right away, and the line "I can't help but wonder if I'm blind" reminded me of the surreal, dreamlike state we all go through when we start to fall in love.

I also found it interesting during the first part you explain your feelings in general, but then that half way through the poem you speak with your loved on directly (first person). It is as if you where thinking about Sakura so much that without realizing you ended up ignoring the rest of the world and focused only and directly on her.

*NoteV* Technical Aspects
I am not sure about the technical aspect of this poem. I do not see any regular patterns of stuctures or rhymes used here, but it did somehow feel balanced and stable. Could this be a Japanese structure you are using? Maybe you are copying a Japanese poetry form since I did feel a few phrases where out of sinc.

*NoteV* Suggestions
My suggestions would be to check the second line in the second stanza. The part ".. but once a story" has something missing. Do you mean but once in a story, but only in a story, but once in a lifetime?

On the fist line of the fourth stanza, I am not sure why you have This with capital letters, is this a typo? should you have a full stop there? I would personally use a coma to make a pause here.

Also the word "Your" in first line in the las stanza should be "you're"or "you are" and the ending of this line has a grammatical error. Should it be time out of my life? or away from my life?. The word "not" doesn't fit in there.


As I mentioned I enjoyed reading this poem. The idea f the cherry blossom representing love is a lovely thought
Thank you for sharing this poem. I hope to read more soon, so keep writing!

SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
22
22
Review of Behind the Smile  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi ShiShad I have read your poem :BEHIND THE SMILE
As a fellow Rising Star companion I am offering my personal review of your work. I hope my comments can be useful to you.

First Impression
This is great poem. I was not familiar with the Pantoum poem and I must admit I had to look it up *Wink* I really enjoyed the line repetition and the fluid rhyme scheme.

Diction /Imagery
You used simple yet powerful diction to crete a sensual intriguing scene. The words "peering","shrubbery", " first glance","beaming", "curiosity" "banishing rejection" say it all.. as I said simple and amizingly effective. I could picture the entire scene!
My only suggestion would be to revise the choice of the word "longstanding" I would use a more powerful or even suggestive adjective to describe the walls.

Rhythm/ Rhyme scheme
This was perfect. It all flowed smoothly and gave the poem an extra touch.


Best Part
Well, I love the ending. You don't actually tell what happens and leave the reader to imagine. You also wittily ended with the starting line..

This is a great poem.
Thanks for sharing your work- I hope to read more soon

SAM
sssam-on the way back Author IconMail Icon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
23
23
Rated: E | (5.0)
wow- a great poem

It has a lovely flow and an easy and powerful rhyme.
And lvining my whole life near the sea- I absolutely agree with you
It is a perfect place to fond yourself
*Wink*
SAM
24
24
Review of I am a teenager  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Ninja

I have just read your work I AM A TEENAGER and here is my review of this poem
I and sending you this, in a hope that my humble opinion as a reader can be useful to you.


*Star* Overall impression :
GREAT!! I loved it. I was emotive, personal, and powerful. You reminded me what it was like when I was a teenager (though I wont bother telling you how long ago that was!) LOL *Laugh*


*Star* Structure/ Rhyme :
I really enjoyed the structure used- you separated the stanzas using the line "i am". This created a good impact, as if reminding me during the entire poem that the main problem of being a teenager is finding out who you really are.

The rhyme also worked well though I did stumble on it on the last 3 lines.

I also noticed you didn't repeat the sentence structures on your third verse.

The first verse you repeat "a xxxx if i xxxx"
a nerd if i read
a suk if I cry
a wimp if i'm scared

on the second much the same " xxx if i xxx"
lanky if i'm tall
cruel if i hate
funny if i fall

But on the third verse you only apply this repetition to the first line. It would be good it you could restructure the line "my smile is fake"

*Star* Imagery / Flow :
You described well your feelings using simple but precise words. There was no need for long complicated sentences, becuase you got your point across perfectly.

*Star* Suggestions :
My only other suggestion is to check the spelling of the word "suk" I use British spelling which does have a few changes to the American way- and we use the term "suck" when you don't like something.

*Star* Best part :
My favourite part is the last two lines. It sums up the entire poem. A great ending. *Wink*

*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Thank you for sharing your work. It was a great read.
I look forward to reading more soon.


Samantha
sssam-on the way back Author Icon
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
25
25
Review of Squander  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Sadyshea

I have just read your item SQUANDER and these are my humble comments. I send them in a hope that they can be helpful to you, but note that these are just personal opinions.

First Impression:
This was great for such a short story. You start the story right in the middle of the action, and describe the scene without really giving away whats going on. This made me want to keep reading and find out what was happening. You sucked me in and kept me enthralled until the very end.

Suggestions:
The only thing I stumbled on was the word "upkeep" on the first line. I am not sure what you mean since I am guessing that she had colored her hair and in this case it would be just the same to change it for the word "keep" ".. dollars spent to keep the falsity.."

Plot / Characters:
The main character was well described and detailed. I also enjoyed her view on her own self and her mother you added near the end. This line added a great depth to the character.

The plot was - entertaining, intriguing, and mysterious.(basically perfect *Wink*
Though I did get the feeling that it needs to be developed a bit more. Is this part of a novel? or a longer story?
I would love to see a second part since you leave us wondering what will happen next

Structure & Grammar:
There was no need for dialog nor long explanations to get the message of fury, anger, indignation and confusion that the character felt. You made it simple and interesting.

*Star* *Star**Star**Star*
Thank you for sharing your work.. I look forward to reading more soon

Samantha
sssam-on the way back Author Icon

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
48 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sssam