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Review of Shift  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Eight-7 -
Thanks for requesting a review! I read your piece, then reread it, then let it sit for a bit. Unfortunately, I know a lot about child abuse so I know exactly where you're going here, and you have done a tremendous job of turning around the typically tear-filled accounts concerning abused children. It is pure joy to read a story of this sort that ends with a smile.

For me - and this is only my opinion - it's a little too brash, reads like lists instead of scenes. Reminds me of Dragnet. "Just the facts, Ma'am!" You've done a great job of taking the reader with you, but I think you can completely immerse the reader into the story by simply changing up a few words.

You wrote:
Bitter black coffee washed down the last bite of his toast. Outside of his window a girl walked across the parking lot toward the diner. Her blonde hair danced in a light breeze. She wore a softball uniform, bold blue letters on the chest of her shirt spelled, Jaguars. Streaks of dirt ran up the legs of her pants and shirt. The corner of his lips rose into a slight smile. The last time he'd seen her was in another time. A divorce and battle for sobriety had washed away the life he had then.

She walked in and passed him on her way to the restroom. They exchanged glances. She flashed a brief smile before brushing by.

Suggestion:
Bitter black coffee washed down the last bite of his toast as he caught sight of her from the window beside his booth. Her blonde hair danced in a light breeze. She wore a softball uniform, bold blue letters on her chest spelling out the word, Jaguars, above dirt streaks running from her pants to the bottom of her ribs. The corner of his lips rose, memories of the last time he'd seen her washing over him.

She entered the diner and walked past him on her way to the restroom. They exchanged glances and she flashed a brief smile before brushing by.

You'll notice I left out the divorce and getting sober. They're great hints about his life having changed - as hers did - but they're unnecessary, imo. Keeping the focus on him and her, and the memories she evokes, strengthens the scene, giving it sharper edges.

You wrote:
Years earlier a phone call woke him in the middle of the night. A man’s body lay cold and stiff on a dirty tile floor. An overturned coffee table rested on its side by the body. A pile of beer bottles used needles and cigarette butts had spilled onto the floor and offered a view to how the dead man lived his life. (<- LOVE this, btw.)

Another officer found a girl in the corner of an empty closet. Her little body was barely more than a skeleton wrapped in bruised skin. (<- Another awesome phrase!) She stared back, wild eyed and curled up. Terror stricken. A pair of soiled boy’s underwear was all the child had to cover herself.

The man searched the apartment for something to comfort her. All he could find was a blanket stale from cigarette smoke and body odor. Somewhere behind him a voice whispered, “poor thing, she'll never even have a chance.”

He returned to the closet and the girl leaped to the blanket. He held her, stroking her matted blonde hair until CPS arrived. She fought against them to stay in the blanket, wanting to go back into the closet.

Suggestion:
Years earlier the ringing of his phone had pierced his sleep. When he arrived on the scene a man’s body lay cold and stiff on a dirty tile floor. Beside it, a coffee table rested on its side. Beer bottles, used needles, and cigarette butts cluttered the floor, offering a clear view of how the dead man lived his life.

Another officer found a little girl hiding in the corner of a dark, empty closet, her tiny body barely more than a skeleton wrapped in bruised skin. She stared up at him, wild eyed, then curled up, terror stricken. A pair of soiled boy’s underwear was all the child had to cover herself.

He searched the apartment for something to comfort her but all he could find was a blanket, stale from cigarette smoke and body odor. Somewhere behind him a voice whispered, “Poor thing. She'll never even have a chance.”

As he neared the closet, the girl leaped into the blanket. He held her, stroking matted blonde hair until CPS arrived. When they did, she fought against them to stay in the blanket, struggling to make her way back into her cell.

You wrote:
The bathroom door creaked behind him, and she walked by again, joining a group of girls wearing similar uniforms. The man handed the waitress a hundred-dollar bill. “For my tab, and the local heroes over there." He nodded to the table where the girls quietly chatted and giggled among themselves. He left the table and silently exited the building. Still smiling.

Suggestion:
Behind him, the bathroom door creaked. She passed him once more, then joined a group of girls wearing similar uniforms. "For my tab," he said, nodding toward their table as he handed the waitress a hundred-dollar bill, "and the local heroes over there." As he rose to leave the table, he cast one last glance across the room, where the group of girls quietly chatted and giggled among themselves.

Then he silently exited the building. Still smiling.
********************************************************************************************************************
This is such a poignant piece, and I absolutely love it! I hope my suggestions help in some way, though it's your baby and you're not obligated to agree with me. I'm certainly not the best writer in the world. s

Thanks, again!
Stephanie
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Review of Tick Tock  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love it, Jersey Boy! In limited words you've explained thousands, or billions who really knows, of years of evo/devolution--and given reader thoughts to consider long after reading the words.

I kept going back and forth on the second line, between "begun" and "began" because I get where you're going--once the world began, the clock started ticking. But my brain kept whispering, "No - it's began!" so I looked it up and here's what I found: https://writingexplained.org/began-vs-begun-differ... (I don't know how to hyperlink it). Since it's not my poem, I'll leave you to decide.

The only other place I stumble is the third stanza. You've done an excellent job of keeping the rhythm flowing, except here. Once again, I see what you've done (excellent job!) but the extra syllable in the second "being" takes me out of the rhythm and then the short beat makes it harder for me to get back into it.

(1) 4 beats, 4 beats
(2) 5 beats, 4 beats
(3) 5 beats, 6 beats
(4) 3 beats, 4 beats
(5) 4 beats, 5 beats
(6) 4 beats, 4 beats

Editing someone else's work is always easier than writing our own, but if it were me I'd change the 4th stanza to "And now there's man," or better, "And then came man," which brings the reader back into rhythm.

Then there's the last sentence. BRAVO! It's absolute perfection!!!

I'm only sharing my opinion, of course. This is your baby, and it's a beautiful child. Keep the praise and throw out the suggestion if you want, or keep the suggestion too. I don't often review rhythmic poems because they so often fall way short of rhythm. Yours is fantastic! And my suggestion is so minor that it may not be necessary at all.

Great job!
Stephanie
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Review of My Plague  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, I missed the acceptance cutoff by a couple of hours, but here's my review anyway:

I love it! Great rhythm, and certainly relatable!!! The only thing I'd change is in the third verse, last line. Should be cannot rather than can not.

Great work -- keep it up!!!

Stephanie
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Review of AML AML  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
And a haunting piece it is, full of emotion that's felt by the reader. These words scream, "Tell my story! Tell my story!"

Poetry is such a subjective medium, and I hate to comment too much but I'll give you my personal thoughts:

To me, and remember this is only my opinion, the use of AML AML. at the beginning of each passage is distracting, mainly because the words that follow are so emotionally charged and I want to read on instead of being jerked back.

That being said, I am haunted by the story here. It's a love story, evidently cut short by fate's vicious side, that continues through years of physical separation. Is the separation spiritual too? I only ask because I'm wondering if, after all the years, you can still feel his/her presence. To me, these twelve lines beg for more. I sense there's a rich, beautiful, poignant story between their lines.

Thanks so much for sharing what are obviously very painful emotions.

Stephanie
5
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Review of Traveling  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ha, ha! I feel ya, Amy Jo! =)
Stephanie
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Review of Spring is here!  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love it, Espero!

I can feel Spring in my bones as I read this. Great job!!!
Stephanie
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Review of Suitcase  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nicely done, E.M.!!! Very nicely done!
Stephanie
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Review of Three Miles High  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
First of all - I absolutely love your voice! It's very natural, and real. Some writers have a tough time with that. Now for some specifics:

Who is your direct audience? I only ask because for the most part it's a story that is perfect for boys aged eleven-years-old and up. But in some places you leave the younger boys behind. Example: "I’d never in my life hated my folks before, but that conversation gave me symptoms akin to the flu, and the thought of forced interaction with other dudes my age was enough to consider for just a moment putting diuretics in my parents’ morning coffees." As an adult I'm laughing my tail off. But an eleven-year-old would probably have no idea what a diuretic is.

“Well, you know, maybe making more of an effort would be rewarding if you actually tried it.” Dad said.
“Yeah, maybe. But I hear you talk about your job all the time, and it sure sounds like your effort isn’t making it more rewarding.”
Then came a few moments of silence.
“You need to hang out with some new friends." Dad was threading the needle, trying to sound casual while at the same time maintaining his authority. "I have a great idea.” OSLT. (Using action beats is a good way to differentiate dialogue style.)

Instead of: "At the first meeting of my new troop, I could already feel the intense discomfort all over my body, much less in my head.
How about: "While dressing for the first meeting of my new troop, I could already feel intense discomfort creeping from my head to my feet."

"Socks thicker than my ankles" - LOVE IT!

Watch punctuation within dialogue: “Well, that’s out of the ordinary.” he said. If using a dialogue tag - he said - don't use a period at the end of the quote. Example: "Well, that's out of the ordinary," he said.

Another example: “Was it as awesome as it looked?” my Dad asked excitedly. Or, you could turn it into an action beat: “Was it as awesome as it looked?” I think my dad was even more excited than me, which was saying something!

I just wanted to give you a few examples of what to watch for. All-in-all you're a terrific storyteller! One of the best ways to improve your writing is to read the whole thing out loud, to yourself. Your ear will pick up on things your eyes don't, and is one of the best editors you'll ever have.

I hope I've been able to help!
Stephanie
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Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Ben!
I've never reviewed a play script before, so I don't know exactly what to look for. What I'll do is critique the idea, the flow, and the actual writing because your script needs to be written well in order to get anyone to read it. Hope that's ok!

First, while your descriptions are lush, they sound like they're written from a thesaurus not penned by a normal person. Big, fancy words are not needed. You need the reader to read the words and see the picture you're painting, not have to stop to go to the dictionary in order to figure out what you're talking about. Your words, and the picture in the reader's mind, should flow like the river you're talking about.

Also, while you give very detailed descriptions of the house, not everything is needed. Readers' eyes begin to glaze over when they have to read a bunch of stuff that's not related to the story. Look at the house as if you're driving up the driveway. Describe that. Then, if they're important to the story, describe the inside rooms. You'll see that I don't describe the bedrooms or kitchen because they're not important to the story.

Here's what I got from the first part. I'm not British, so the conversations sound very American, but I wanted to give you an idea of what I mean:

Nestled deep in the heart of the XYZ forest lies a hidden mansion, luxurious in every detail, surrounded by expansive lawns. A secret, known only to a few, the place stands like a trophy shining brightly among trees twisted and tangled from lack of sunlight.

Located only three meters to the north, the Scenic River, surrounded by flowering plants and lush shrubbery, flows quietly, a peaceful reprieve from a clattering world.

For reasons unknown, not one human has set foot on the property in over sixteen years, until three Brits choose it for a month-long holiday meant to blot out the haunting memories of their parents’ deaths. The travel agent who booked the trip was reluctant to provide many details, saying only that she had never seen the listing before it just popped up on her computer screen.

Choosing the mansion for their respite had been simple. No arguments, no debates over which location best suited each brother. The sprawling home surrounded by natural beauty came at a price half the cost of others they had viewed.

Richard, 34, a Physics professor, Mac, 33, a Botany professor, and Donald, 31, a Psychologist, had remained inseparable after moving out of their parents’ home. Meeting at Donald’s house the afternoon of February 11, the trio made the trip together, laughing, talking, and singing to the radio as they travelled further into the forest.

As the car slowed, turning into the driveway, the brothers were speechless, taking in the magnificence of the place.

Donald had always been the skeptical brother.
“There has to be something wrong with this place, for the rental to be so cheap,” Donald said.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” quipped Mac. “We really lucked into this deal.”

“I’m sure not going to look a gift horse in the mouth,” Richard added. “I’m just going to enjoy myself!”

By the time they reached the house it was too late to hike down to the river, so they each retired to their bedroom and unpacked. A short time later, they met in the kitchen to grab a sandwich and beer, and make plans for the next day, retiring to bed shortly thereafter.

The next morning, as Richard and Donald busy themselves in the kitchen while Mac decides to take a walk.

“I’ll be back in time for breakfast,” Mac says over his shoulder, as he opens the back door. “I just want to get a better look at all the plants growing around here, so I’m headed down to the river.”

“You’d better be back in time for breakfast,” chirped Richard. “Donald has a great meal planned, and we’re not going to wait for you to devour it!”

As he makes his way down the well-worn path leading from the back door toward the river, Mac is struck by the beauty surrounding him. Colorful flowers spring from lush green plants, scattered along the trail. Running toward the river like a lover catching sight of his mistress, he disappears into the sunlight.

Back at the house, Donald and Richard add the finishing touches to the breakfast feast they happily prepared. But as the clocked ticked half-past ten and they still saw no signs of Mac’s return, Donald begins to worry.

“It’s not like Mac to miss a meal,” he tells Richard as he peered out the window. “I don’t like this at all.”

“Oh, he probably just lost track of time,” Richard replies. “I imagine this place is a wonderland for a Botanist like Mac. I’m betting he headed over to the river. Let’s walk down there and bring him back.”

>>><<<


Write like you speak. Since this story is happening in 2022, in the UK, write like a Brit would talk in today's terms. You want the reader to float over your words, drawing a mental picture of what they're reading, so your words need to flow.

You have such a great imagination! Focus on that, not on trying to use impressive words. In 2022 few people even know what they mean. =)

I hope this helps!
Stephanie
10
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Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Love this!
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Review of 2034  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Yes, Orwell was one of the greats. I sure hope people are listening now!!!

Good job!!!
Stephanie
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Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I like this version much better! There's definitely more depth. =)
ss
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Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi, Puppetmaster! Thanks so much for asking me to review your second chapter. I'm not sure what you're looking for, but when I ask for a piece to be reviewed, I look for complete honesty. I have a lot to learn, and I learn a lot from reviews and critiques. So, let me start out with an overview.

First, I can tell you're a creative person who has a great imagination - both critical when writing, so that's a good start. I read through your first chapter in order to understand the background before I read this chapter, and I'm somewhat confused about the overall focus. My most important question would be, what is your target audience? You're writing a romance, so the majority of readers would be women. What age range? This is an important question because older women will be turned off by your language choices: hot, foxy, dude, getting it on - that kind of thing. In order to attract the largest audience, your dialogue should be ageless except where absolutely necessary. A child's words or a teen's words, for example.

The next thing is, learning the art of "Showing" rather than "Telling." It's not easy, and it's something I'm working hard to do better, myself. Think about books you've read. Great writers write in such a way that the reader can actually "see" what they're reading. When you're talking about the presidential palace, as an example, I want to be able to imagine what it looks like as characters are walking through the rooms. When you say Naberg is standing at a window, watching Victoria and Kirby, what does that look like? Describe the picture. If I was across the street, viewing this unfold, what would I see?

One last thing: make the story more believable. As I read, my brain kept stumbling, making it hard to just enjoy. The president of any country is not going to be driving himself and his family anywhere. They would have a driver, with bodyguards. As a politician, Kirby would never take the chance of being seen in public with his opponent's secretary, much less his wife. Kirby would not be driving a 1968 bug in 2022, and Naberg - if he did drive himself anywhere - would definitely not be driving a 2010 Prius. See what I mean?

The good news is, you have created a story that can be fleshed out quite a bit. It's kind of like you've got this skeleton and if you start adding in the muscles and cartilage and skin, it can turn out to be a beautiful person. Take the opening paragraph, as an example. We close out Chapter 1 with Victoria getting all she could have hoped for, but start out Chapter 2 with her being unsatisfied for some reason. What is that reason? What happened between her wedding and the debate that caused her to be on the prowl, looking to replace her new husband? (Usually, people living fairy tale lives are still at least relatively happy after two years. You could write a completely new chapter that paints the picture of her settling in to her new life, her new relationship with Naberg's kids, as well as Naberg. How does it feel to be thrust into the spotlight, in front of the camera instead of behind it? What kinds of things take up her time now that she is First Lady to a country? How did her marriage go from ecstasy to blah? Those kinds of things.

I'm limiting your star rating because I think you have the ability to turn what's here into something so much better. But please don't be discouraged! Writing is hard work - and I think you're up for the challenge!!! *HeartP*
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Review of Going Blonde  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Love it! So cute . . . and so true!
ss
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Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Laugh* *Laugh* *Laugh* This is AWESOME!!!! I, very literally, laughed right out loud! I was a little worried the Lord would think me irreverent for laughing . . . but I'm pretty sure He's laughing, too.

THANKS!
ss
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Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this! It flows as poetry should, and the message is heavenly. (Pun intended.)
ss
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Review of The Followers  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this! Great story, great flow, and a clever response to the prompt!

No technical issues, except one sentence I'm not sure I get. "Lyryk reloaded the crossbow and pointed down it at the woman." Did she point the crossbow down at the woman, or did she point down the crossbow at the woman? I can't see how she could point down the crossbow since she would need both hands - one on the crossbow and one on the arrow. But then again, I'm not a crossbow master by any means.
ss
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Review of MOM  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love this! Your mother is a wonderful woman, and you are a wonderful daughter!
ss
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Review of Loneliness  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Amen! I'm so glad you found writing!!! Maybe I should have read this piece first, since I wrote you about a lot of the same thing when I reviewed Gina. I'm betting that you'll find your background, even the painful parts, will be a great catalyst for your stories.

Actually, I think you're in a perfect position to help others understand Cerebral Palsy. You can speak about both the physical and emotional pain and scarring you've endured, and possibly help those with Cerebral Palsy all over the world understand that they aren't alone - that there are others who feel their pain.
ss
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Review of Gina  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oh, Renee! I am so sorry for your loss of Gina. What an exceptional friend - and person - she had to have been! I'm also sorry about the pain you feel in your loneliness. But I'm so glad you are writing. Once you take your feelings out of your heart and place them on paper, your heart can feel lighter and ready for new feelings. I hope this is so for you.
ss
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Review of Stallion  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this, Jatog! The sentiments flow like a story that is easy to read. I feel his strength.
Good job!
ss
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Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ha, ha! I like this!!! I hope I get a robot like this one; love his/her/it's personality. =)
ss
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Review of Stowaway  Open in new Window.
Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Indigo, I love this! It flows perfectly and is a beautiful sentiment. I feel safe and warm, just reading it.
ss
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Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Lol! I love this!!! So cute!

I have a hard time understanding poems lately, because many don't seem to flow. Sometimes they rhyme but, when they do, the words often don't make sense. This is just perfect from The to muttonhead. Well done!!!
ss
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Review by SSpark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Aw, man - this kept me going right up to the ending. Great job, Kathie! The piece flows really well, and it's easy to feel the strength of Dan and Lindsey's bond. It definitely had me thinking, "I wish I had met the Ying to my Yang."

The story is told in a cohesive way; there are no "Wait! What?" moments. The only thing I would have liked to have seen is more description in some areas. I struggle with the same thing, and I'm trying to learn to be more creative. I tend to tell a story rather than show a story. As an example, you do a nice job of describing their wedding location: "They had married on a coral beach. The secluded island was a tropical paradise. There were cool breezes and a postcard sunset. It was a spectrum of lavender, scarlet, turquoise, and ribbons of gold intertwined." But you have an opportunity to paint a Lindseyesque picture here if you add a few things. Did the waves crash or roll? Was the water blue, green, turquoise or some other color? Was the sand white or pink? Did the scent of hibiscus or other flowers linger on the breeze? We're also around the same age, so I know The Prophet (still have the little book), but quoting just a little from it, or penning a few poignant lines from their vows might have been nice.

I hope I'm making some sense, and I hope you don't mind the critique. This is such a beautiful story.
ss
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