I love how the opening draws the reader in with a strong image.
I feel the repetition of drawing attention to the tongue only needs to happen once in this poem. I'd keep the tongue description in the beginning and omit the later one.
The passage seems to 'telly':
"They are a symbol for a metaphor
For a tool that became something
More, or less than, a tool
Something that has no practical purpose
That no longer assembles or disassembles
But is stationary
Open to interpretation"
I would try to 'show' more of what you are describing here.
I love the images I get when reading this poem. The contrast of dreams and physical reality are wonderfully represented in this piece.
I think the repetition of "With Every" in the first stanza is unnecessary. I'd maybe just go with:
With every silence, I woke up.
Sleeping sound surrounded by noise.
They cried for peace and violence started to dance.
Or something like that.
I would also suggest to avoid generalities
ie. cards you were playing (What kind of cards)
ie. all in vain (what is this in vain of)
ie. No one asked for favour (Who is doing the asking)
etc.
This is a great first draft, and now it's time to answer a lot of questions that may potentially confuse the reader :)
This is a raw and honest poem about your longing to help this other person through her struggles with anxiety. I love this aspect of the piece.
The specifics in here are great (about taking out the trash and giving rides). I'd like to see more of this in your piece.
I want to know who this other person is that you are talking about. Is it a friend, family member, coworker, etc? Just by adding subtle hints (like mentioning a name or something) can help this.
Try not to let the style of rhyming distract you from this poem's deep message. Some lines seem forced when you purposely try to rhyme. Just food for thought :)
I love the first 2 lines emphasis on the 'o' sound (Open road + Moan + Toad)
2nd Stanza
I'd love to read more about "Government oil" You touch upon that political subject, I'd love to hear more elaboration.
3rd stanza - 3rd line
In my opinion, gunky gas guzzlers is stretching the alliteration just a bit. Maybe try "Gunky guzzlers"- we already know you're referring to gas.
4th stanza - 1st line
omit 'supposedly'
4th stanza - 3rd line
too many adjectives, I think it takes away from main point.
4th stanza - 4th line
I'd like to know why life is a big comical act. This is a good point to elaborate off of.
6th Stanza - last line
Who is the "you" you are referring to?
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