So I couldn’t help but pick out obvious errors in your work, which could have been taking care of with a simple editing. So I listed them as I read so you can correct them at your leisure. Nothing takes more away from a good piece of writing than spelling errors.
Mechanical errors: You spelled “panicked” wrong.
At first said the watch was stuck on 8 then changed it to 3, and then 8 again, (I’m assuming you meant it to stay on three?).
“Where he had been seated the other ___, complaining about his ruined suit”. (Day is missing).
He handed it to MR. Timbers but Mr. Timbers just stared (capitalized MR, you should use "he" instead of Mr. Timber the second time).
"Too bad he only got t wear it once"(to is missing an "o").
I think this has good potential to be a short story, but you might want to try reading it out loud to yourself, and see if it makes sense to you.
Happy readings!
Spinduckmasta
Dear young Author,
I’m curious about your opening. You say “I wake”. You wake from what? Was the possessor of such misery once in a better state, and suddenly finds him/herself in “perpetual night”? Was his dormant state supposed to mean peaceful oblivion? Or was the author always in this state, and is just recounting a normal day at the office, so to speak. It could very well be that you didn’t take much stock in the first two words, it does seem an excellent beginning. Starting with waking up is a true introduction, now the reader knows everything the narrator does.
My next question comes from your use of the color gray. Your title, “Gray skies” can be a little misleading from the content, plus the abyss that is gray. I understand that gray is indeed a very bleak color, but gray suggests that there is light in the darkness, while you firmly say that there is no sun, no light. To use this color at all is a bit of a paradox.
Other than that, it was a great, depressing poem, which actually made me think of what could have possibly happened to the narrator to have him/her feel so alone and without hope. I could compare it to a much shorter metaphorical version of “The Pit and the Pendulum”.
Greetings young Author.
So to start with the positive points, I LOVE the plot. The ending definitely had a hook, and I was caught. Looking foreword to the next installment!
Unfortunately, there is some bad with the good. You tend to ignore sentences that desperately need commas. Here are a few examples:
1. “The ride to the restaurant was quiet but I didn’t mind it gave me time to think.”
2. “I looked up at her to try and see a way out of this… torture but there wasn’t one I was defeated “Fine.””
Next off are you Character descriptions. May I recommend that you don’t mention eye color so much? It sounds very repetitive. If you would change the way you described your characters, like: 1) He had brown hair, brown eyes, and very muscular. And 2) He had light brown hair that could have been in a shampoo commercial and his eyes were the color of earth”
You can spin it anyway you want to mix it up a bit. Another suggestion is that you lengthen you chapters. You don’t have to start a new one every time you change a scene. I do appreciate the length of chapter 7 though. That should be kept the same.
My last comment is…Conner. When you introduced him to your readers, you just said : “Martha is married to Connor”. It sounds as if you expect the readers to already know who Conner is. My suggestion is that you change it to “Martha is married to a man named Conner.
Happy readings!
-Spinduckmasta
I think you have a good grasp on what life is about. Dreams. Without dreams there wouldn't be goals, ambition, or desire for something new. But even though dreams are what make the world go round, who's to say they're a good thing? Dreams are what caused most tyrants to take over, because they had a vision of "a better future".
I've been so wrapped up in the content of your work; I haven’t been able to properly review it. But it caught my attention. Other than perhaps a slight over use of the expression "Not me" (which is fine by the way, repetitiveness is just a pet peeve of mine), I think you've done well. If teeth don't work out for you midway through life, you should take up philosophy. :)
I LOVED the last paragraph. Very descriptive with lots of child-like imagination that we just can't capture in old age. I love looking at old dierys and seeing what used to occupy the bulk of my brain, and every time I look back, it's like I'm seeing a stranger. Surely that little girl wishing for nothing more than a puppy just so it could sleep on her bed wasn't me. And yet it was. :)
Dude, I feel the exact same way about life. I have to mention that you spelled tortured wrong, and insane shouldn't be capitalized, but I commend you for it. Trough these three lines, I feel as if I know a bit about the author. Not self conscious about your work so you don't spell check it, not trying to please anyone with what some people would call a waste of writing and time, while it could change others' lives by your brief description.
And are you aware that if you took out 1 syllable in the third line you'd have a Haiku? Good job young writer. :) WRITE ON!
I appreciate your trying to continue on the series with your short story, but I seriously suggest you do a lot of editing now. And I really can’t think of Carlisle wanting to rip apart anybody limb from limb, even his worst enemy. Carlisle was built to be a peaceful character, and if you are going to write a fan version of the story, you have to keep the characteristics in mind. Other than that, I liked your plot, and enjoyed the return of the elders. Though I have to point out, Billy and co. would definitely not be alive decades after the last book, because they hadn’t shape shifted before, which would be the only way they could become immortal. But hey, it’s fiction, right? Good job!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/spinduckmasta
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 1:56pm on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
