I’ll start by saying I enjoyed the poem. It expresses a sense of loss very well. However, the way it’s presented could be fixed. By which I mean the big block of text. It’s frankly a little hard to read on a screen. Just space it out a bit more, because your actual words are great. The message is great. It’s just hard to read.
I have to say, reading this based on the title, I was waiting for the humble pie pun… and there it was. Way to stick the landing.
Anyway, great piece. Anyone who can write a fun piece of poetry based on the frustrating concept of Pi is solid in my book. I actually tried to find something to criticize, just based on the concept, but came up blank. Great work, super fun to read. Thanks.
I’ll start by saying I liked this piece. That triumph in winning a bet is always a great feeling. However, I will say that your choice of colour and font made this a little difficult to read. Also, I’m endlessly curious about how the betting turned your mother-in-law into a lizard, not sure I understood that line… but I like how you describe your scheme as ‘askew’. I also hope your ‘lucky sip of dope’ isn’t too literal, because I know that won’t make you a better gambler…
Well, these were my thoughts reading this, and I’ll always like a piece that brings up memories and images and food for thought. Thanks.
You’ve written a mystery in just a few short lines here, which I think is great. What is the secret? Who is Bubblegum Jones? (Sounds like an old film noir villain…). Will they take that chance to lead them to the clue? This read like the voiceover for an old movie trailer, in the best way. Thanks.
I’ll admit, I immediately started reading this to the tune of ‘Where Have All the Flowers Gone’. If you are 75 years old, then good on you. I’m only 36 and I’m already feeling slightly left behind by technology. (Thanks Tiktok). I used to love receiving actual letters in the mail as a kid. I kind of wish that was still a thing. Anyway, that’s what this made me think of, which was fun, so great job! Thanks.
I always love a piece where someone can find confidence in their mind rather than their appearance. You’ve captured that rise-above moment well here, in just a few lines. Thanks.
What a great way to describe dread and hope in one piece. That’s something I’ve often tried to accomplish in writing. Praying you will survive, but hoping for a new beginning. Great piece, I enjoyed it. Thanks.
I’m not sure if this is what you were going for, but the image of fallen chestnuts compared to a lost ones eyes is really interesting. Because chestnuts outside of their shells are smooth, deep brown, and beautiful. As someone who grew up with a chestnut tree, in their shells, they are sharp, spiny, and terrible. There’s a wonderful metaphor in there, and it was a pleasure to read it, despite the sadness held therein. Thanks.
I’ve never been one to gamble at a casino, but I’ve been in a few, so my favourite line was ‘the table was a lucky green’. They’re all the same shade of green! It’s just looking for luck in everything that can be found, I suppose. This piece captured that wonderfully. Good luck with your lucky knee. If that one doesn’t work, you can always try the other one!
I enjoy this piece, with the bittersweet aspect of getting older. However, the refrain: “we get older because we are not done yet”, might be my favourite line I’ve read on this site. I hope to remember that as I continue to get older, just as something to say in response to people questioning my being ‘too old’. Which has already begun happening, even though I’m only 36…. So, thanks for that line, it’s great.
I don’t know what contest this was created for, so I’m just looking at it on its own. I love the third line where you describe the uniqueness of one’s hopes and dreams. I don’t like the last line, in the sense I hope that’s not something you truly believe. There should always be something left in life for you to do. If it was your intent to create a bit of dread with that line, than great job, but I hope it’s not something you consider true.
I wasn’t sure if I should review this, because clearly it’s not for me. This feels more like a straight-up prayer than a poem, which is fine. It’s just the last line that got me, I feel there are more sources of wisdom and inspiration out there than trusting in one alone, regardless of your feelings on Jesus Christ. This is genuinely not meant as an insult, just a perspective.
What a beautiful story. I love it when a piece of poetry also has a character arc. At first, I saw the picture of the man I dread becoming, and then it turned into someone to admire. Really nice piece, thank you.
I think the best way to describe this piece is: Ouch! Damn, that’s a great story told in eight lines. With the last line being the perfect stinger. Great work.
I won’t lie, I’m not a religious man, so some of the lines here don’t quite work for me. However, the imagery of the rose unfolding is beautiful, and can be a metaphor for so many things. I appreciate it, and was happy to read it. Wonderful wording. Thanks for sharing.
Man, when I was younger, I wish I’d had the sense to have some Tylenol, water, and sleep. I didn’t quite catch all this ‘21’ stuff at first, because where I live it would be ‘19’. Still, it’s fun to see people reliving that moment, and your piece makes me relive it too, so good work.
This piece does feel like a cry for help. Despite the verse that directly addressed that. There’s so much palpable frustration here. It makes me hope that you personally are doing alright. I hope so, but the fact that this brings up those thoughts and emotions in ,e makes it powerful. So, I wish peace for you my friend, and good work.
I will admit, This is the first time I’ve heard of a trianglet poem. I had to look it up. It’s an interesting form, so thanks for showing that to me. This is also a dark piece, it feels you’ve gotten across in such a short form the story of a child who is told needs medicine to fit in. I could be wrong, but if that’s what your message was you accomplished it well in just a handful a syllables.
Feeling like you’re pounding on walls is a very relatable frustration. Same thing with that feeling of being surrounded be fakeness. The frustration in this piece is palpable, which is great. It’s something I can really feel. The one thing I’d say, if it’s still true for you, is needing your bubble back is not the way to go. The bubble is comforting, but also insulating, and inhibits growth. That may have been your point… but either way, it’s certainly a piece that made me think. Which I always enjoy. Thanks.
I genuinely loved this piece. Honestly, you lost me at the second verse when you described only two types of people, but then as it went on and you fleshed out that description, you won me back. Great work.
It’s funny, because where I’m from the legal drinking age is nineteen. I’ve still experienced the chaos you’re describing, both before and after that age. These days, I’ve kind of grown out of it, but man, your words do bring me back to a moment in time, which makes them powerful.
I can see my younger self in here. I was the one who was so obsessed with my own perceived inferiority that I couldn’t see the pain that I was causing others. Don’t reflect that in yourself. Be kind, be empathetic, but don’t be a sponge for another’s negativity. Thank you for this piece, in just a handful of lines, it reminded me of where I came from, and how far I always need to strive to be better.
This reminds me of so many things I’ve read and written using masks as a metaphor. The toothy grin is a mask. So many of us are fed up with ‘People’. We can always hope to find solace with the great individuals that are still out there.
I know this is a short and relatively simple piece, but I can picture a very vivid image reading it. It’s a beautiful image, and that’s difficult to do with few words.
You’ve got some genuinely cool imagery in here. I can certainly feel a sense of general emotion and anger woven through this. You’ve got some lines I think are great: “sword turned to shooting screams”, and some I feel are a little clumsy: “white lighted, that bited our look holes”.
Overall though, it was a really interesting read.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/spiderwebs
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 10:19am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
