This story had some really great moments and some not so good ones!
I have the same problem with time myself - and the begining of this not only had a time slip but a weather slip, too.
I also felt that the tension would have been easier to build had the sentences been shorter.
As for the friendly FBI agent - he was not very well built as a charactor because all that stuck in my mind about him is that he travelled a great deal and lived in his cabin all year round!
Read it through again and see if you can tighten it up in places - and get those tension building sentences shorter!
Keep up the good work!
Lovely idea!
I did so want it to rhyme!
Just my wanting not your writing!
However, as blank verse, it lacks a strength which I felt could have been sorted had it rhymed.
I am a silly old fool!
Have a Happy New Year!
And keep up the good work!
Sounds just like me!
A good poem, well thought out - I just hope it isn't true! Because, if it is, I have only this to say: REMEMBER THAT YOU MATTER!
Always remember that.
Lovely idea!
But the metre went a bit awry in places!
Read it through and I am sure that you will see the couple of places where it goes off!
Keep up the good work.
I liked the essence of this - although I hate the colder months!
I did worry a bit about the metre as it had a tendency to be all over the place!
I think that if you can maintain the rhythum of the first verse in all subsequent ones, this will be a great piece of work!
I shall leave that bit to you!
Keep up the good work!
Nice idea even though it was a little hard to follow in places as everyone seemed to be spending their time looking at the floor!
There were quite a lot of typos in this - read it through and I'm sure you will spot them!
To make your characters gel more you need to give them a third dimension, I feel - they all seem a little wooden.
But, it is only through this kind of website that any author is able to air his/her work and, hopefully, to learn from any comments they get about it.
Work on this and you can do nothing but improve it!
Keep up the good work.
Just as I started to shiver - it ended!
Seriously, FEEL it!
Poetry is probably one of the hardest mediums to use when writing because one has to try to make the reader feel something (emotion, season or whatever) in the fewest words yet each word is a jewel in the finished crown.
This is a good piece which I read as I am currently working on the same theme!
But it needs to be colder!
I liked the bicycle bit - work with that and you can't go wrong!
Keep up the good work!
In essence, an ecellent piece of work!
My only problems were with the metre which seemed to go astray a couple of times!
Also the poetic licence in rhyming 'anything' and pain? Oops!
Keep hold of the idea but change the words a little - thing rhymes with many words - and pain is even better!
Kep up the good work!
This is, in essence, a really good poem loaded with emotion and fine discription.
Couple of things: I was unsure of the use of the word vehement because this implies an anger rather than an intensity - which I think you were aiming for. You also say 'you don't even know it' implying that the subject is asleep and yet, seemingly without surprise, four lines later he/she squeezes your hand!
That just didn't quite gel for me.
Then, what do I know?
Keep up the good work!
I am 58 and still believe in toys - I have written the Tales of Sebastian Bear - and he really exists!
I understand the world of toys - and think that you have shown a remarkable perception here - one that most adults cannot see or will not admit to!
Ok - so I'm nuts (Or am I? Maybe I'm just .....?)
I liked this tale a great deal - one typo I noticed: In the papargaph 'I look around and my gaze is drawn .....' are you talking about the assistant or your father? Just a tad unclear here.
Keep up the good work - and never lose that inner ability to talk to toys!
I liked this!
Just a tad mystified by the numbering - so I left it out of the reading!
Mind you, it makes commenting easy!
Line 3 did not quite scan as well as the othre lines both before and after.
Might be worth a look!
Keep up the excellent work!
One never apologises - one always blames someone else!!!
NEVER admit to anything so crude - pick on the biggest prude in the room and glare!!!
Interesting - especially as I am 58 years old and English!
Keep up the good work!
Thank you.
Well written, well thought out and excellent food for thought.
It would be difficult to suggest any way in which this could be improved.
Again, thank you.
And Olivia.
This is just the start?
Is it?
I hope so because the idea, although a little scary for small children (falling dreams are) is a good one.
Couple of points:
p1 remaining rocks were cleared away.
p2 shone (past tense!)
Maybe you could try emitting more than the first yell?
And please, a small amount of WHAT was emitting from the tunnel?
This is a good idea although in need of a bit of work - so keep at it!!!
I liked this!
Except for the end!
The last verse didn't have the scan of the previous two and I was totally bemused by the fact that the homeless man and 'I' were both in the mud!
Who hit them.
Were they both going to die?
If you are going to do something like this, try reading W W Gibson who is a master at writing poems where you don't get the real drift of the poem until the end - the dramatic poetry which we all know and love!!!
But please keep up the good work!
Well, the things we do at work, eh?
Lovely poem - and easy enough to read but I have the feeling that you are not too hapy with it and might be looking for some pointer as to how you can make it even better!
I do!
And, like you, I get disappointed as no one can write what we want - except us! For blank verse, this was a very good piece.
Keep up the good work!
Well done!
But I don't understand why you had a rhyme half way through each stanza!
This would be ten times better if you made the whole thing rhyme!
Keep up the good work!
Lovely poem!
I did find the metre a little lumpy in places and I know, with a little work, this could be a great poem!
Just check the scanning - and keep up the really good work!!!
A great idea, well expressed.
However, I did wonder why you had changed the rhyme half way through?
Was there a reason for this?
Did you feel that a 1/3 line rhyme wouldn't work - because the overall result was a somewhat disjointed read!
If you revert to the 1/3 rhyme - or dispose of it in the first six lines, this will be a really good poem.
I often look at work from the viewpoint of a performer (I used to read poetry professionally) and I would have to work on my delivery of this!
Please - keep up the good work!
I liked this!
The concept was excellent - although you were in grave danger of losing me in the middle verse!
I don't know what's wrong with it - maybe it's just too smart for me - but if that is the case then might it not be too sharp for most people?
Just read it again - and it is still that middle verse that I found difficult to follow!
But then, I'm a bit dim, anyway!
Keep up the good work - and I shall try to find enough time to read your portfolio!
Makes me wish we had lizards here!
Well, I had to look at this, didn't I?
Great idea and well presented - just a couple of things - nowhere is one word and there was an awkwardness in the beginning that, if you could mirror the end of the piece in the opening, this wo9uld be a great piece!
Keep up the good work.
Please finish!
It is obvious that you have the utmost respect and love for your mother - and I loved the piece where you compare the 'dangerous' toys of yesteryear to those of today!
Keep on writing.
An interesting piece.
But, having siad that, not the best that I feel that you have written - but a great idea and not one that I feel should be abandoned.
However, if you are happy with the finished product, who am I to say that you might think about restructure?
Keep on writing!
Lovely idea!
Have you ever thought of rhyming your work - because this would come over well in rhyme - although you would probably lose some of the structure - and it does look good on paper!
However, I felt that this was too important a conception to be over structured - go on, give it a go!
Kepp up the good work!
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