Hello again, Than Pence. I’m sorry I haven’t been doing much reviewing lately, but the mood has been hard to capture, and the mood is something that I kinda need when I’m doing a review. I could still do it, but I would be a lot more insulting. Anyway, let’s see what we can do here. Oh, and in advance, apologies for not reviewing chapter ten, because you said you were taking out the Trisden chapters.
“Upon securing her swan-shaped home, Tuette departed.” Again, your first sentence calls for some work. The way you word it, it sounds more like Tuette is getting her house back, rather than making it secure against invasion. Might want to work on that.
“Her shawl was pulled tightly against her head, fastened beneath her chin. Her hair was bundled up in a mess underneath but she enjoyed the simplicity of the wrap.” Perhaps you should reverse the last sentence, to the effect of “She enjoyed the simplicity of the wrap even though it bundled her hair into a mess” or something like that. It flows better with the first sentence, in my opinion.
“Not wanting to find herself in a panicked state again with only a stick and Washing Stone at hand, Tuette insured that her Firedom Expansion Pote was within easy reach. She also packed some Flash Potes which would produce a quick burst of light once air hit the liquid, a Shock Stone that would give a jolting surprise to anyone the Stone didn’t recognize, and a pair of Climber Mitts as she never knew when she would have to scale her way out of a sour situation.” This is a good bit of information to tell us how prepared she is, compared to other people that might be in her situation. Firedom is an odd word, even for magic stuff, though. Think about that a little bit, maybe. I still don’t know what to make of the word Pote, though, so that should tell you something.
“She had a few stones prepared for quick Spelling even though she knew that no stone Charmed with only words had much defensive purpose. But it helped to be prepared. And sometimes prepping a stone for the Charm was half the battle anyway.” Does that need to be three sentences? Couldn’t it be shortened to two?
Just a random thing. When I see the town name Zharrina, I think of the time of Czar, and think of the female equivalent of that. Just a random thing.
“She reached her hand up then.” Take out ‘then’. It isn’t needed.
“Tuette instinctively ducked her head away, not wanting her hood to move under the touch of Fy’tay by any chance; there would be no fortune in revealing her Cursed status at this early stage.” And here we come to another of those one sentence, semi-colon divided paragraphs. Again, this doesn’t seem to fit by itself, and you might want to consider adding more to the paragraph, or integrating it into another paragraph.
“Fy’tay nodded, still smiling. “Yes, Gimble Valley. A predominately non-Magikal area inside northern Javal’ta. Such a shame considering the quality plants there that harness ingredients ripe for Magikal use.”” I’m guessing this is a way to try and fill us in on the geography of your world. A little transparent, but in lieu of a map, appreciated.
“She could not recall the specifics but was thankful that Fy’tay did not think her deceptive. Such a thought was crucial when regarding her hidden condition.” This seems like the sort of thing that would do well with a colon or semi-colon.
The four paragraphs devoted to Fy’Tay and the Pote creation stuff is interesting. It shows that Tuette has pride in her work, and is a little bit of a snob in magic in some ways, but still is wanting to be re-connected with other Mages. Interesting, and good character development.
“They made their way through narrow avenues that, for the most part, resembled a common township.” For the most part? I wonder what the small part that isn’t is like.
“There were far too many people in Decennia who were anti-Magik compared to those who promoted it. And the mainstream always seemed to be more dangerous.” This is a sentence that doesn’t look like it should be two. Maybe you should combine it into one, or perhaps take away the “And” that starts the second sentence and make it a bit more standalone. The way it is, it looks like they should be connected.
“…and it was there where the local tas held shop.” This is your story, and I’m not trying to complain about the way you write it, but the plural for ta is a little bit….off. I know that grammatically, that’s what it needs to be, but still, it just seems off.
“The wooden spire was limbless with bark of a purplish hue.” Limbless, despite being technically correct, seems out of place for a tree. The way you describe it, with the word ‘spire’, seems more appropriate to a building. Is that what you were intending to show? I don’t know. Back to limbless. Maybe ‘devoid of branches’ or something along those lines?
Another side comment. Each time I see the term “Dissociative Wars”, I want to see the history of such battles. Going to explain them later in the story?
“to follow through on the task of curbing where his Magik essence was directed in the effort to effectively keep the Mortals happy.” That part is a little confusing. Is the task of the lesser gods to keep his power curbed, or what? I don’t really understand.
“But the Wishing Gods, being of a depreciated caliber” The word ‘depreciated’ implies that they were of a greater caliber at one point. Were they weakened by granting all these wishes? Or did you merely mean to try and find another word for ‘lesser’ in describing them as weaker than their creator?
“It was widely believed that Valtos had been conserving spirits of dead Mages to eventually place on the cusp of Mortal and Immortal Realms. It was thought that those spirits might currently fluctuate Magik through the world, recognizing recitations and rituals as they were performed, fulfilling the desired effects.” “It was widely believed” and “It was thought” seem to be very similar sentence starters. Maybe you should combine this into one sentence, because even though it isn’t redundant, with the similar starters, it seems to sound it.
Well well well. Apparently Tuette isn’t just a strong student with Magik, she’s also very good at learning and retaining history. Something to be applauded. I wonder how that will impact her later in the story.
“Fy’tay only shrugged before answering.” Take out the only. It serves no purpose.
“Is this Ta Speebie going to discern that I’m Cursed? Is he trying to find out all of what I knew regarding Magik?” This shows a good insight into the thought process of Tuette. She is quite nervous about all of this, and she is so used to running and not being around people that she doesn’t know how to deal with all of this.
I can’t help but laugh as Tuette is being put down by this Ta Speebie. Not so funny to see her put down like this, but funny knowing that something is coming up to put Ta Speebie down.
Does Ta Speebie’s accent come through stronger when she is upset, or is it just me?
“Apparently satisfied, Speebie refocused more on the trinkets of her countertop.” Take out the more. Again, it serves little to no purpose.
““Yes. The apprentice claims she is a mere apprentice who possesses much knowledge over Magik. And the like.”” The part at the end, “Magik. And” makes no sense. Shouldn’t they be put together?
Interesting description of how her blood raced. I don’t think ‘rushing crimson life through her temples’ is one I’ve heard before. Also interesting how the Ta seems to believe that Tuette is the one that has cast Roost’s Curse. Heavens above I still can’t keep from chuckling as a silent voice in my head adds ‘of Boost’ when I see his name.
“”His name’s Roost. Count Roost. Down in th’ Seagulf Islands,” Speebie said, and Tuette blinked the bewilderment away.” Interesting. First Speebie calls Tuette the Curser, and now she says that she knew it was Roost of Boost (hahahahaha!) that did it. Maybe it’s just me, but that doesn’t make much sense.
“It should have been near impossible, but Voidet had his hands on some bound scripts: a collection of parchments that contained sequences of Magik that ought to have been otherwise forgotten. As if he had found the Lost Tomes of Ancient Magik.” This is definitely something interesting about this Voidet. He’s becoming someone I want to encounter more and more, just to know what kind of person he is. Also, that last part, about finding the Lost Tomes of Ancient Magik, could be a standalone sentence paragraph. It’s powerful enough for it.
Ah, and there is the thing about oppel ink. Nice to see that part in your story finally.
Reading through Tuette’s thoughts on the matter of Roost (of Boost) creating his own Curses brings interesting thoughts to me. Perhaps they would be similar to how Sylvester would be thinking, if he were listening to this conversation. How can they be sure that Roost (hahahaha) isn’t making them without the help of certain texts? Why do they consider it impossible for him to do that? New abilities are being discovered often enough, apparently, so why wouldn’t Cursing someone with new things be discovered?
Fig fur? I take it you were meaning some creature? Because there is a food in the real world called a fig, so that part could be a little confusing.
“It seemed like a foolish publicity stunt, especially if the king would just end up Cursed for his troubles.” Perhaps change that to ‘especially if the king ended up Cursed for his troubles.’
“She then wondered if the king could call under a Curse.” Two things. Get rid of the then. Replace it with something before ‘she’ if you have to, but get rid of the then. Also, do you mean call, or do you mean fall?
For being so intelligent, it took Tuette a while to realize that the perry’ta and ta realized that she was Cursed. After all, they could only accuse her of casting a Curse if they knew she was already Cursed.
“where the lake – or more appropriately, the lek – met with the plains.” How is lek more appropriate, I wonder?
Same reverse she needed to perform? A very good way to link together the reasons for things. Definitely a very good way to make her want to go along with the king when she would otherwise want to stay out of the whole business.
I don’t blame the perry’ta for being angry, but considering what she is forcing on Tuette, I can’t really sympathize with her. Tuette had no reason up until that point to want to help, and she was given no reason to want to help. I find myself still quite interested in this though.
Okay, I just finished the chapter, and it was a good one, both about Tuette and Magik in general. It’s also interesting to see the lengths that people will go to in order to preserve their home. I don’t really agree with their methods, though. Despite their need, I think that they would have had better luck working with Tuette to get her Curse lifted, rather than forcing her to do this under threat of force. At least, that’s my opinion.
The politics among the Magikal population is an interesting thing, and I’m glad that you’re including what details that you have so far. I like learning more about it, and I’m enjoying this more and more as time goes on.
Anyway, this chapter gives a lot of information and possible ways to extrapolate what will happen to Tuette and the King later on through the story. I like the way that you doled it out, never too much at one time, and always giving me a chance to think about what might be coming next. I have a few ideas of what might be happening, I’ll tell you later if I’m right.
Keep writing. |
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| (4.5)
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