This piece is very solid and well-written. I like the subtlety and the imagery it conveys, which is only part of a larger scheme. If you are indeed targeting young adult audiences, then you probably hit the spot.
A forbidden love blooming in a desperate place will never get old with that audience, after all. My only reservation is that the reader is never informed whether the children of the government were born in captivity or were simply taken into these factories and forced into slave labor. I'm assuming it's the latter, because otherwise, they would not have their particular mindset and characteristics, as well as their moral perspective. Though I suppose this will be revealed in a different part of your WIP, so it's really not an issue.
This story is a very good piece that stands well on its own and undoubtedly establishes some key points within your WIP. Nice work. :)
You, Ernest, have been watching too much LOTR. I'd love to see what you'd think up after reading books from A Song of Ice and Fire.
I'm no stranger to procrastination, nor the insane and inane oddities that come with trying to prolong it. Though I must say, you make an art out of it. I wonder what assignment this piece ended up being submitted for?
What can I say? When someone can turn a lazy walk up an upper campus into a journey of comedic proportions while incorporating pop culture references without bordering on slapstick corny, that's a good read. That's a great way to waste time - true to the intentions of the author while on his walk.
Kudos where it is due. May your champion Squirlymous make it farther than the confines of WdC.
My enthusiasm for reviewing was stumped somewhat a month before, and since then I found that I had not the time to delve into good lengthy work, and not the heart to be brutally frank to mediocre short pieces. So I've been roaming about with ideas in my head and meaning to review something...but not finding the short piece that serves as flint to my steel. Until this one, of course.
It was short enough to not take too much time, imaginative enough to make the reader wonder, and shrewd enough to allow that in a such a world where ident cards with credits and hoverboots exist, the stereotypical teenage girl (and her BFF) still hung over puberty remains an icon.
The truth and twist by the end was comical and hinting of a particular perspective the same way the depiction of two teenage girls excited over cute shoes and their dialogue had: science and technology may be advancing, but mankind itself is not. Mummer's shows and the sometimes harmless, often brazen teenage inklings will remain long after men colonize the stars.
The world the short piece depicts comes to life after the read, and for that alone, it was worth more than the five minutes it takes to read it. Kudos where kudos is due.
I craft stories on WdC. I try my hand at rhyme, sometimes, but still, most of the meter-minding verses I ever thought of were imaginative, not factual, and not hypothetical. I got into writing because of essays, and essays and critical thought papers were what I first wrote, before being enamored by the dimensions of fiction. It is probably because of this that I find this campfire quite a breath of fresh air.
Most campfires indulge the imagination, some bend science into fiction, while others meander off into popular media that at times I personally find to be bizarre, stereotypical, lackluster applications of the human capacity to think and imagine. The Point / Counterpoint campfire indulges the part of the psyche that interprets the world as it discovers it, and while imagination is afoot, she never strays off to worlds beyond reason or philosophy. The grandeur here is not represented by dragons and giants, the clashes not by sword nor gunfire. The thrill here is not in the car chases, but in the trains of thought. The storyline here is communicated not by plot, but by real-life dialogue.
And the result is insightful. The result is thought-provoking. The result is a mesh of ideas from minds that could weave worlds of fiction, but in between still bother to ponder the truths of nonfiction. The result is intellectual masturbation both perturbing and enlightening.
This may very well be a microcosm of an important purpose of communication: the furthering of ideas by the clash and convergence of several. Aside from that it's good for grey matter.
A narrative style that rivals novels, a plot simplistic and ingenious, and a timely significance made more commanding by its medium of communication. I adore reading short pieces with enough weight to break ground. It informs, it inspires, it teaches another writer the way only a good read can. No words were wasted here.
Took the title of the first chapter of Halo: Combat Evolved eh?
I've read Harvest, the starting point of the story of the entire Halo Universe. I'm glad someone here likes the premise of the game enough to do fan fiction on it. Why not turn it into a campfire creative for other Halo enthusiasts to hop in? Anyway,
Very nice. Elements of Halo all used quite well mixed with your own take of it. You've redeemed the UNSC Marines! In the games they were pretty much good for nothing but fodder. Private Jeremy here is obviously deeper than the typical marine. I like the HUD prompts, just a bit of polish and they'd be perfect machine-speak. I'd like to see you write about actual combat with covenant, which would probably be in a subsequent chapter.
Seems like you took the chance to be fluid with your writing in this chapter. Bravo! I'm assuming the next few chapters won't have room for this much protagonist insight. I'll be coming back to see any developments for this story, and see how it ties up to the storyline of Halo.
-G
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/spectre
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 11:25am on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I wonder what assignment this piece ended up being submitted for?