Feel free to take this review with a grain of salt. These are my opinions and certainly are open for discussion and interpretation.
Overall Impressions - I love dark and twisted tales and this one did not disappoint. It had good pacing, an interesting premise and a central character that I could empathize with...until the end! :)
Strong Points - The main character was well drawn with a believable personality and realistic actions. I love the idea of the story from the beginning. It's so sinister to think of an entire family that gets off on killing people. I liked the way you used formal dialogue for the parents. It made them seem cold and uncaring. Perfect!
Areas for Improvement - Most of the dialogue was great, but there were a couple of spots where it sounded a little too formal. Maybe that's what you were going for, I'm not sure. I was a little confused by the shift in the narrative at the end...where Shyreece starts talking to the reader. Maybe that part needs just a little more clarification.
Grammar and Spelling - You might want to consider using a comma, in your dialogue, then the rest of the sentence. For example, "I am afraid of you," I said. - Instead of "I am afraid of you." I said. I don't think anything else really jumped out at me.
Specific Areas -
Plot - I thought the plot was well executed for a being a short story. I think that sometimes plot can get lost in shorter works. I like the arc. The girl is confronted with her families truth, she defends a friend and fights the inevitable, then she submits and falls in line with the family tradition.
Characters - The main character was easy to relate to and understand. That always makes a story more powerful I think. I love the lines like, "...I felt a scream tickling my throat." They add so much dimension and interest to the characters and the story overall. I think a little more description of the other characters might have helped. They seemed a little bland to me. Their dialogue was great though.
Final Thoughts - This was a cool story and I really like how you handled this idea. With some minor edits this could be really sharp. You've got a way with the creepy tales! Good job.
It's been a pleasure reading and reviewing your work. Thanks
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Feel free to take this review with a grain of salt. These are my opinions and certainly are open for discussion and interpretation.
I love dark and twisted tales and this one did not disappoint. It had good pacing, an interesting premise and a central character that I could empathize with...until the end! :)