My Overall Impression:
I absolutely love this poem. It's emotional, strong, and poignant. It's a poem that i think that many people can relate to, i know i can. There is a never ending list for me, though I'm not that old. I can really connect with this poem, it speaks true and honest of how many people i think feel about not only their dreams but their lives.
My Suggestions:
I have no suggestions on making it better in anyway. It's strongly written, grammar and vocabulary use is great. Your rhyming schematic flows and only further helps me as a reader to connect to it.
I like how fluent this poem is.
My Favorite Part:
The third paragraph:
Lies spoken by friend and foe
Have torn my world apart;
Leaving deep, unhealing scars
Upon my soul and heart
I liked this paragraph the most because I've experienced it in my own life more than once, a trust that is broken and a pain of losing a best friend or being torn by someone who seems hell bent on making sure you don't live up to your potential.
My Thoughts:
This is a clever piece. I really enjoyed it. I could imagine this young kid making a joke of this assignment and having this conversation afterwards. I did notice the leaf, window and diamonds throughout her dialogue and that's what made this writing funny, enjoyable and clever.
The ending paragraph that is written in memory of Ms.Little was cute and tied the entire piece together and without this would have left the reader with an unfinished feeling.
I liked that even though it was only 300 words, I was still able to visualize and imagine the entire scene between the student and teacher as though i was one of the students sitting in the class. It also reminded me of some students that were in my high school that were funny, witty and somewhat defiant when it came to completing assignments as requested. They found joy out of making the teachers life just a little tougher especially those who could handle it.
My Suggestions:
I could see this being longer and having quite a laugh with it, the banter between student and teacher. That is my only suggestion since it was well written. The flow and dialogue was great, and your ability to use the three words required by the teacher in the original assignment placed throughout was amusing.
This is a fun prose poem about hats, I enjoyed it! As I read your poem I had envisioned the type of hats that I liked on others, on myself(though I'm not a person that can pull them off), and the hats that were so much of a fashion statement that it often turned heads.
My favorite hat are Fedoras - they look so good on men, most men can wear them, they're classy, sophisticated and whether you dress them up or go casual they're a very versatile hat. Love them.
My Suggestions:
I wish i could offer some sort of critique to help you improve as writer, however i can not, the poem flowed well for being a prose, your use of descriptive words, and ability to engage me as a reader was wonderful.
My Favorite part:
I liked the third paragraph because of how you described the ability of a hat to portray someone's uniqueness through a simple fashion item, how a hat can be versatile, be a statement of a social trend and yet be something that is so true to that individual.
There are people who can express themselves so well through wearing a hat, their sense of style is portrayed through this simple yet effective fashion style.
My Rating:
I gave a rating of 5.0 because i enjoyed the style, the flow and fun feel of the poem. I was engaged and it made me smile thinking of all the good, weird, interesting and funny hats I've seen in my life. It was very enjoyable. And also because I can't offer any constructive criticisms to help you improve.
My Initial Thoughts:
My initial impressions were of sadness and sorrow for the abuse that the grandmother experienced at the hands of so many people to whom she should have been able to trust.
Which then lead to interest and a genuine desire to understand this women, what she went through and how her death brought so much pain and suffering to a family. The controversy that surrounds her and this ultimate family secret that no one talks about is intriguing.
I enjoyed the view and narration from the grandmother's perspective. I also liked that the grandson was telling the story as well, I like that it was a grandson and not a granddaughter, it adds more dynamic to the story.
My Suggestions:
You might want to make a clearer distinction between the narration of the grandmother to the narration of the grandson, it suddenly changes between those two paragraphs with no warring and thus made it confusing at first. I had to re-read that section to understand what was happening.
My Rating:
I gave a rating of 4.5 because of the sudden change in narration between the grandmother and grandson.
My Final Thoughts:
This is truly a strong and emotional story that I think many women can relate to on some level. Your writing is fluent, the flow and transitions from paragraph to paragraph were wonderful. I really like the way you write, you're clearly a wonderful writer.
I would love to read more and really hope that you continue on with this piece.
** just as a note any of your quotes are in italics and in the color green***
My Initial Thoughts:
I liked the premise of this story, it's something that many fantasy readers i think would enjoy, there is room for the plot to grow and continue, you give hints throughout that there is far more to this story that will be come more evident as you proceed.
I really enjoyed the characters, the Prince and dog are a good pair, their language i like very formal, honorable, noble and clearly gives way to the fact that they're from a royal background.
I like Jasmine, she's a strong woman, I wish that i was able to visualize what she looked like more to the beginning of the story, it would have made it easier to visualize her fighting those 3 guys. However, you're able to let the reader understand that her background comes from a very proud clan/tribe.
My Suggestions:
You might edit this piece as there are some grammar/ miss-spelled words. Some other aspects from my view are:
* use a consistent language format- this piece went for a southern type of slang, to very formal British feeling with the prince and a dog, to a more casual format with the prince and Jasmine. Examples:
-- this is the southern feeling slang quote:“I said I can’t blame you. Not don’t want to; can’t."
-- very formal quote:“Oh yes, it was a jolly good blessing, indeed..."
-- this is the more casual language use:"Ever since I was a kid, people have treated me like I’m made of glass. Everything that could be done for me was; my training was carefully managed and supervised, and every conceivable risk in every aspect of my life was guarded against, yet somehow I’d still manage to get hurt...".
** If there are different speech patterns throughout this story due to different villages/cities... you might want to make that a little clearer to the reader.
* Flee! Be gone, as you value your despicable live––!” I think you meant "... despicable life--!"
My Rating:
I gave this piece a rating of 4 because of the change in dialect. It's hard for a reader who is just coming into this chapter and first wrapping our minds around not only the setting but the language. It would be easier if you used one language style consistently, it will give the reader a more coherent story.
My Final Thoughts:
I really liked the comedy in it, the scene where the prince fell down the hill and knocked himself out and then Jasmine's response was funny, the way you described it was very visual and enjoyable.
I would be interested in reading more to find out what and where you're going with the following lead as you made two references to an "Author", so I'm interested in finding out how this plays into your story.
--"Author Wrote the world with Words, then He Wrote her with a poem!"
My Thoughts:
I like this poem there is a loneliness and sadness to it.
My Favorite Part:
I really like the lines:
Need the care and touch of you to help me through
Need you now can't see how
My life goes up and down
Never want to wear the crown
That makes it hurt makes me frown
Only see you in my dreams
On the nights when my mind is clean
Its o so hard to make me dream
This section i can relate to more, there is real emotion here and somehow speaks to me.
My Suggestions:
There was a clear rhyming scheme to your poem in the beginning, but i had to re-read the ending of the poem to get it, maybe I'm just tired but the flow didn't seem to be the same as it was in the beginning of the poem.
My Thoughts:
I liked this poem, it has a lot of description which enables me as the read to visualize this fear. For me it reminds me of a car accident that I saw, where as it was happening I wanted to flea but couldn't, I was paralyzed. I particularly liked the phrase "The heart beats in your chest
as if it were an animal within a burning cage.". It has very real impact on the poem and I think it is something that we've felt before when faced with a situation involving fear.
Flow:
Flow was easy, strong, full of emotion. I didn't have to re-read any line to understand what you were trying to say. It was very descriptive. Not too long and very straight to the point of what fear is and how we can feel it so strongly.
My rating:
I gave you a 5, because there was nothing that I thought could be improved on, it was well written. It's one of those poems that I think i will remember going forward. When I think of fear, I will think of this poem.
Thank you for sharing
- Suska
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.
-Ayn Rand
First Impressions:
I could tell the heart felt emotions of a love that suddenly overcomes you when you first hold a new born baby, and that baby belonging to you in even the littlest way. The feeling of wanting to protect him, lay down your life for him and hope that everything in life will turn out to be amazing for this baby.
Flow:
The flow was good, the only line that i had problems with was "You inspire me to be the influence that makes you become the man you will some day." It's the later part of this line that doesn't flow quite right. I get what you're trying say, I think it would flow a bit better had you said something like:" You inspire me to be the influence that makes you become that man" because it's in reference to your previous line or you could say, "You inspire me to be the influence that makes you the man that you will one day become"
Final Thoughts:
I really enjoyed this story, i can relate to it because i am a mother, i feel the fear of not being able to protect my baby as they grow older, i feel the love, and the unquestionable desire of laying down my life if it could only save theirs. There is emotion and I'm sure that your nephew will one day appreciate this poem.
Thank you for the story, and keep writing... I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you - Suska
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.
-Ayn Rand
The title of the story is interesting, so I wouldn't worry about that.
First Impressions:
The description of the father, his concern with money, how much everything cost, the profit vendors were making off of him, the constant calculation and the need by his son to just notice him and spend some quality time with him was both irritating and heartbreaking. It was irritating because I could see this man, I could envision the constant money talks, the constant calculations and ultimately the neglect of a father to his sons. It made me want to reach into the story and slap him, so it was well written to evoke that feeling in me. I felt heart ache for the boys because for one I'm a mother and i spend all of my time with my children and I'm thankful my husband does to, however i know of husbands who neglect their children and are more concerned with money and i see first hand how that affects them.
Flow:
The flow was good, at first i was wondering where the prehistoric beast was going to come into play, was it going to be a metaphor or was it so sci-fi that dinosaurs actually lived in the story. I liked that the story was fluent in describing the father and how it related to the new career path of his son. It was well connected throughout the story.
Final Thoughts:
I enjoyed this story, the beginning to the end. I enjoyed the son singing about being a paleontologist, I could see it and hear the song, the relationship that is strained between the father and the son and the devilish older brother sitting back and watching the scene go down. The middle made me laugh a little, as the boy sang louder and louder and the father trying to out do him with his serious tone. Trying to explain and invoke a sense of responsibility to his eight year old son was humorous, maybe I'm a version of the older son watching the scene go down as well.
Thank you for the story, and keep writing... I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you - Suska
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.
-Ayn Rand
Hello,
First Impressions/ Thoughts:
This poem is really well written, your use of rhythm and rhyming was excellent. You took me on a journey as a flower blooming and dying , the love and pain on both ends is evident throughout the poem.
Flow:
The flow was nice and easy. The stanza's grew along with the progression of the poem. Toward the ending of the poem though I had to re-read the 7th and 8th stanzas. The line "Because you play in the mud." seemed awkward and didn't quite fit with how "things come to an end" and not being able to be your "friend."
As well with the 8th stanza the line: "It was never my will." was also awkward to read. Maybe it's just me, but I had a hard time with the flow of that line and how it fit with the rest of the wording.
Final Thoughts:
This poem is strong, well written, I can feel the beginning of a love and the pain of ending that love. You took me on a journey and for that I thank you. I think this is a poem that many people including myself can relate to because we've all experienced this at some point in our lives. The belief that a relationship is meant to last and then suddenly dies like the wilting flower you've described.
Very enjoyable, thank you for sharing your work. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Thank you - Suska
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.
-Ayn Rand
First Impressions:
My heart broke, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child but I do fear it every day. I'm sorry for your loss
Flow:
It was nice, the emotion is there, it not only feels like you're talking to your child but to other mothers who may have experienced a loss of a child.
Rating:
I gave you a 5 rating because there is no greater pain than losing a child, my best friend lost her baby girl who was only months older than mine, I know what she went through and that pain and experience never really goes away, it becomes a part of you for the rest of your life and shapes your life in a different way. It takes courage to write your feelings out for the world to see.
Thank you for allowing me into your port - and welcome to the team.
Suska.
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