Wow, this is an intense poem. You've used vivid imagery to get the point across. It's like the "repressed rage" is being poured out like liquid, making it hard for the reader to breathe until they reach the end of the poem. My favorite stanza was stanza 8:
Feet never leaving the ground
Constantly looking for home-
Forgotten in the lost and found
I think you've done a good job here, but I couldn't tell if there was a specific poetry form here or just free verse with some rhyming throughout. Either way, good job and thanks for sharing!
You made good use of the prompt word "oneiric"--not an easy task. This poem has a lighthearted, comedic tone. The reader expects to hear about romantic fantasies in the first two lines, but the last two lines give away the humorous truth. You've chosen to use rhyme in this poem--which adds another comedic element since traditional romantic poetry tended to rhyme.
I enjoyed reading your 24-syllable poem. Some people think short form poetry is easy, but sometimes it's that much harder because you have to choose your words (and syllables) carefully.
This is a very emotional dodoitsu poem, reading much like a narrative would. The poem sticks to the dodoitsu form except in the second stanza:
Her parents think they know best, (7 syllables)
but there's a fine line in life; (7 syllables)
to have such sheltered lives-- *(6 syllables)
or allow freedom? (5 syllables) Not sure why this has a question mark...as the line doesn't read as a question
This looks like a great place to be. I'm looking forward to learning more about Steampunk and participating in contests, etc. Thanks for letting me be a part of the group!
This is a nice, visual poem in rhyming couplets. You've done a good job of showing how the sun not only clears the mist and rain away, but also represents hope--or at least that's what I took away from it. My one suggestion would be to either add periods at the ends of the couplets, or remove the commas. I find that it is better to either have no punctuation at all, rather than having some (commas in this case), while leaving others out (periods). It tends to make for a better flow when reading. Again, just my opinion. Great job using alliteration throughout the poem, too.
Line 11: I would change "site" to "sight", as site is short for 'website' or a location.
My favorite lines:
"Cloudy and overcast, appeared the day/ Even with the sun's own bright rays"
These are suggestions. Please feel free to use or disregard any information you disagree with. I have a short article about dialogue use in my portfolio if you'd like to take a look.
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Most of this looks pretty good, dialogue-wise. The key thing to remember with dialogue is this: keep it short, and read it aloud to check for an authentic flow. If it sounds wordy when read aloud, you need to cut some words. You have a few unnecessary words that are repetitive, mainly the word "that" in the following lines:
“It’s over by the two security guards that I knocked out earlier.”
“That’s what I’m trying to get the money for, so that I can buy you a lot of ice cream.”
Also, you need a comma before 'officer' in this sentence, “That’s what I’m going to do Officer!”
I would rephrase this sentence: “That’s what I’m trying to get the money for, so that I can buy you a lot of ice cream.” You could try "That's why I'm getting the money...so I can buy you lots of ice cream." This is less wordy, and flows better.
This sentence is a bit wordy, too: “Hey Daddy! Who is that guy in the black and white car with the blue shirt on?” You might want to cut it down to something like: "Hey Daddy, who's that guy in the uniform with lights on his car?" When you talk (especially when children speak), they don't say "Who is," but "Who's" on most occasions.
I would avoid the use of colons in dialogue if you can. ”Let me guess: Take your son to work?” This sentence could be rephrased to something like, "Let me guess--take your son to work day?"
This is an excellent senryu, using the anxiety and awkwardness of the teenage years. You capture the essence of the form, while adding a comedic element. The young men are hiding odor with odor...which I find humorous.
Even though you were the only entry in the Daily Haiku Contest yesterday, I'll still award you some gps, because I liked this so much. Please continue to contribute to the contest!
I think you do an excellent job of conveying how the speaker feels about this girl. Your use of imagery can be found in almost every stanza, and you keep your rhyme scheme consistent, making an uninterrupted flow while reading. I enjoyed your use of alliteration is the lines "that shine like the sun/ warmth that melts metals".
Stanza 3 was my favorite:
A perfect combination
all white and some red
fills the imagination
distorting the head
This is a well written haiku, although it might be a little closer to senryu, since it's about human emotion rather than nature and the seasons. Of course, modern haiku can encompass just about any subject these days, but I'm a traditionalist, I suppose.
I love the first line, "Hate chills fiery hearts." I've never really thought of hatred as being cold, but it's an interesting suggestion.
Your use of imagery is exceptional, and I could "see" everything you were writing about. I've often wondered myself about the varying shades of green. It's nice to know someone else thinks about these things that many consider trivial.
I love the line about the shape-shifting clouds. Very well done!
You also pulled off writing in 2nd person very well. That can be a feat in itself.
This is my review of your poem, "All the love in the world." This is just my opinion, so please use what you can, and disregard the rest.
I love how this poem looks like the shape of woman! Very creative. I noticed that there is no rhyme scheme until lines 11-13. Was that intentional, or did it just happen that way? Those three lines seemed to set themselves apart from the rest of the poem because of their rhyme. It was a little distracting to me as the reader. I would have either made a regular rhyme scheme throughout the poem, or had none at all.
You might also think about adding a comma after "With arms so wide," to make it grammatically correct, as well.
I like how you use the lines, "Love is special/Love is kind." It reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13, "Love is patient, love is kind."
This is a lovely poem. It is full of beautiful imagery from nature.
I love your use of alliteration in lines 2 (dew dripping) and 4 (brown birds). It creates a smoothness that seems to go hand in hand with the gracefulness of birds.
I love birds (and poems about birds), which makes your poem a wonderful read for me. Thanks for sharing! Write on!
It amazes me how many people write poems about eating disorders. I think your's is the 2nd or 3rd that I've read this week.
One thing that I love about your poem is the amount of alliteration used throughout. ("soft-pink shine," "smell of shadows"). I feel that alliteration always makes words flow smoothly off the tongue. I can see in this poem, however, that there are some instances where you would want the lines to sound choppy, because we all know that vomiting isn't smooth.
I like how you repeat certain words to emphasize the action, like in "thrown up, thrown away, thrown in heaves," and "As I tried, tried, to make it go down."
In stanza 5, you relate your body to the earth, which is a great visual reference to the reader. The reader should have no trouble visualizing this poem, because the words you use make it impossible not to visualize it.
My only criticism is the last stanza. I understand what you're trying to say, in a sense, but I felt that it left me hanging. That's just my opinion, so if it makes perfect sense to you, you may disregard me. You're the poet, and only you know the best way to convey your emotions.
Great poem! Your word choices are both descriptive and tactile. It's easy to visualize what's happening in this poem. I like how you combine the sweetness of the berries with the bitterness of the person eating them. That was a wonderful contrast. The ending was a little morbid for my taste, but to each his own.... Fantastic job! Write on!
Great job with description in this chapter. It was easy to visualize what was taking place in each scene. Your characters seem well rounded and fleshed out. I found this chapter when I picked a random read, but I'll be reading the next chapter! Great job and keep up the good work!
Wow, this would be a great start to a serial killer novel. A man goes on a killing spree when he sees random citizens breaking laws. Your description and dialogue throughout this piece is excellent. Great job! Write on!
This is a nice short poem. It has a pleasant rhyme scheme and flow. I would encourage you to enter your short form poems in my weekly contest for a chance to win some GPs.
Nice job! Write on!
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This is a nice poem, but it's actually more of a senryu than haiku. Haiku deal with nature, while senryu deal with anything related to humans or human emotions. Here's an interesting article explaining the difference between the two. http://startag.tripod.com/HkSenDiff.html
This is a nice free form haiku. It is very descriptive, yet simple. My mother's camellias are in blossom now as well, so it was easy to picture your poem in my mind. Good job! Write on!
*Camellia is the proper spelling of this flowering plant.
Nice flash fiction piece. I understand you originally had a word count to stick to, and that can make it restrictive, but here are a few suggestions if you plan on revising the piece.
I would combine the first two sentences to create a smoother flow. "It was Monday evening, and it was nasty out.
You do alot of showing, rather than telling throughout the piece. Examples: "I paused momentarily in the lobby to pull my trench coat up around my neck, and open my umbrella." You could change things up by saying something like, "Pausing momentarily in the lobby, I pulled my trench coat up around my neck and opened my umbrella."
Starting the sentence with an action verb propels the reader forward.
More examples: "As I reached for the handle on the door, a young woman grabbed my arm and said “Excuse me”. I would say, "Reaching for the door handle, a young woman grabbed my arm, saying, "Excuse me."
"I opened my mouth, started to reach for the come-on line that wouldn’t come, and finally elected to look down instead." Again, start with the action verb. "Opening my mouth, I reached for the come-on line that wouldn't come, finally electing to look down instead."
Other than a few small changes, I think you have a great short piece here. The ending was fantastic and your dialog was good. Well done! Write on!
You made nice use of alliteration throughout your poem, "Streams of Sand." ("wish" "wonder", "streams" "sand")
You might think of adding a comma to the line "I wanted you[,] but I wasn't sure" to allow for a smoother reading. This is just a suggestion, though.
I think you meant "planned," instead of "planed" in line 11.
Also, I think you meant "through" instead of "though" in line 6.
My favorite lines were "You are with him/and I am with her." It has a great rhythmic quality, as does the lines "That moments gone/that moments through"
Time is such a great topic for poetry. It's interesting to read a haiku about time.
Your haiku, "Disorder," is in trad. haiku format (5-7-5). This is definitely a more contemporary type of haiku, in the sense that it isn't about nature...but that seems to be the going trend.
According to John Drury in his book, Creating Poetry, "a haiku technically must refer to a season...if it doesn't, it's really a senryu. We (in Western Society) normally call a haiku any three-line poem, give or take a line, that couples insights or images together in a flash..." (Drury 107).
If you're really interested in the haiku form, there are some excellent websites dedicated to this form, such as http://www.hsa-haiku.org/ (The Haiku Society of America).
Please accept my review of your poem, "Bittersweet End." Please take what bits you can use, and disregard the rest. : )
You made good use of the AABB rhyme scheme throughout your poem, choosing well-rhymed words.
There is one line that I might consider rewording: "That has brought about this bittersweet end." I would have said "That has brought me to this bittersweet end." I think it flows a little better, but that's just my opinion.
In line 6 you say: "And pray to God that they will pass," while in line 24 you say: "And pray to god this pain will pass." Was this intentional, or did you just make "God" proper the first time and then improper the second time on accident? I would either write "God" both times, or "god" both times to keep it consistent. Just an observation.
Nice poem, though a little disturbing.... : )
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