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80 Public Reviews Given
83 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Bogie and Spence  Open in new Window.
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,
         I just read "Bogie and Spence". I am a huge fan of Bogart and Bacall. I have seen all of their movies. Spencer Tracy is also one of my favorites.
Your vignette is a very touching look at these friends as they visit, for perhaps the last time. I saw no errors of grammar or puntuation and the scene was well described. This would make a great scene in a larger story, but works as it stands; a look at famous friends saying goodbye to one who will die far too soon. Thanks for writing and posting.

*Radioactive*Disclaimer
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please heed or ignore them as you see fit. I write them only in a desire to help a fellow writer and intend no offence. Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.


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Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,
         I just read "Singularity: Chapter 6". I have not read the previous chapters, so I connot comment on the continuity of the story. I liked this story. The characters are realistic, their dialog is natural for their situation and station in life. The atmosphere is gritty and is described very well.

*XR**XR**XR* Your Content Rating is set at 13+ but you have 4 usages of the F-bomb as well as numerous other curse words. This piece should be rated no lower than 18+.*XR**XR**XR*

*Radioactive*Disclaimer
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please heed or ignore them as you see fit. I write them only in a desire to help a fellow writer and intend no offence. Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.

*Yinyang*Plot: Flow and Pacing
The tension is already present at the start of this chapter. It rises and falls naturally based on the movement of the plot. The tension between the various characters is well described and natural.

*Woman**Man*Characters: Believability and Emotion
This is your srtong suit. Your characters fit very well in the universe you have created. Their emotion and motivations are well drawn and they interact naturally with each other and their environment.

*MushroomG*Technical: Typos and Suggestions
It is very rude to interrupt, Mr Riley
---Missing a period here.

happened...,” He trailed off awkwardly, eyes
---You do not need a comma after the elipses.
---You do not need the phrase "He trailed off awkwardly" as the elipses indicate he trailed off. So either the elipses or the phrase, but not both.

machine intelligence modelled on human awareness.
---Should be "modeled"

*ThumbsUp**ThumbsDown*Overall Impressions and Rating
I am rating this a 4.5 having taken half a point off for the mis-rating of the content and the few technical issues. I would be glad to re-review this at a later date if you would like.

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3
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,
         I just read "fae folk lie de lay-revised". I really like this enchanting story of a friend who helps his love and becomes a great hero in the bargain. You present very distinct characters and a nice fantasy hero adventure. I enjoyed it very much.

*Radioactive*Disclaimer
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please heed or ignore them as you see fit. I write them only in a desire to help a fellow writer and intend no offence. Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.

*Pencil*Title/Description

*Yinyang*Plot: Flow and Pacing
This story moved really well, from problem to resolution. Very nicely done

*Woman**Man*Characters: Believability and Emotion
Your characters are well drawn and have personalities that are clear and easily identifiable in their dialog and action.

*MushroomG*Technical: Typos and Suggestions
"It's about time you came up with some reason why I've always held you in such stead.”, Jack said
---It's about time you came up with some reason why I've always held you in such stead,” Jack said
----------
As Pol rounded the last curve out of the mines he caught a sight he could not believe: the Faery Queen herself, pacing agitatedly, without a Guard in the middle of day.

“I would have had that girl too, if it weren’t for you: Molly this, Molly that, all the children adored Molly
---These should be semi-colons instead of full colons.

Jack is remembered as the lad who saved the mightiest warrior of all The Mighty Pollis.
---Jack is remembered as the lad who saved the mightiest warrior of all, The Mighty Pollis.

Pol had many more adventures over the years, though whether I’ll be telling’ them all time will tell.
---Pol had many more adventures over the years, though whether I’ll be telling’ them all, only time will tell.
---I think this flows better.

*ThumbsUp**ThumbsDown*Overall Impressions and Rating
I am going to rate this a 4.5, but it could easily be a 5 with a quick edit. I would be glad to re-rate it later if you would like.

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4
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Review of In Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi,
         I just read "In Dreams". This was a very sad and chilling tale of a man willing to forgive the ultimate betrayal. I love the way it was written with clues hidden in the writing that lead to an excellent twist at the end.

*Radioactive*Disclaimer
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please heed or ignore them as you see fit. I write them only in a desire to help a fellow writer and intend no offence. Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.

*Pencil*Title/Description
In Dreams
---The title is intriguing but as no one ever falls asleep or dreams, it seems a bit disassociated from the actual story. It worked to get me to read though.

*Yinyang*Plot: Flow and Pacing
Perfect, just fast enough at the right times to pull the reader along and twist them around at just the right moment.

*Woman**Man*Characters: Believability and Emotion
I like the contrast between the loving woman he remembers and the hateful one who ran her fingers around the hole in his head. Chilling, and demonstrates the truism that you never really know a person and that perception is not always reality.

*MushroomG*Technical: Typos and Suggestions
Perfect*BalloonR* *BalloonR* *BalloonR* *BalloonR* *BalloonR*

*BalloonO*Other Comments
You have a real talent for telling a good tale with only a few words. Please keep writing and posting.

*ThumbsUp**ThumbsDown*Overall Impressions and Rating
I am rating this a well deserved 5.*BigSmile* Never Mind... does not accept ratings.


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5
5
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,
         I just read "A Little Night Music".
Well now, as a resident of the Texas coast I can attest that I have heard several versions of this story, though none told quite as well as this one. You did a great job with this story. I don't feel bad for the guy at the end, he got what he wanted, just not enough of it.

*Radioactive*Disclaimer
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please heed or ignore them as you see fit. I write them only in a desire to help a fellow writer and intend no offence. Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.

*Pencil*Title/Description
A Little Night Music
---The reader doesn't know the full meaning of the title till the end, but it is the perfect name for this story.

*Yinyang*Plot: Flow and Pacing
I can't think of anything I would change. Everything moved along at a very natural and beleivable pace.

*Woman**Man*Characters: Believability and Emotion
All of your characters are well drawn, including the supporting cast. I feel like I was in that bar last week.

*MushroomG*Technical: Typos and Suggestions
*BalloonR* *BalloonR* *BalloonR* *BalloonR* *BalloonR*
Perfect, I saw no errors...how refreshing!

*BalloonO*Other Comments
Keep on writing!

*ThumbsUp**ThumbsDown*Overall Impressions and Rating
I am rating this a well deserved 5

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Review of Infected  Open in new Window.
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi,


         
I just read "Infected".
This was a great story, and the fact that you could tell it in so few words makes it all the more awesome. The way you describe his prescient dream pulled me right in, the atmosphere was a perfect match for the plot.


*Radioactive*Disclaimer::
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please heed or ignore them as you see fit. I write them only in a desire to help a fellow writer and intend no offence. Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.

*Pencil*Title/Description::
An excellent name for this story.

*Yinyang*Plot: Flow and Pacing::
Blood was the first word you presented and the story flowed perfectly from there. The changes in tempo were perfect and the twist at the end was icing on the cake.

*Woman**Man*Characters: Believability and Emotion::
Junior was very well written, described just enough to let the reader imagine the smaller details. The fact that he shared a room with his sister makes me think he is really young, but the image I got from the dream sequence made me think he was older. I resolved that by just assuming he was dreaming he was older.

*MushroomG*Technical: Typos and Suggestions::
I saw no errors,*BalloonR* and I can't tell you how rare that is to see, even in my own writing.

*BalloonO*Other Comments::
You have shown great skill using so few words, I am now curios to read something longer from you.

*ThumbsUp**ThumbsDown*Overall Impressions and Rating::
This was perfectly written and the rating reflects that.

*Radioactive*Disclaimer::
Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.

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You have been reviewed by...

*PawPrints**PawPrints**Dollar**Lemon*ur*PawPrints**PawPrints* M*PartyHatR*N*CandleB**PartyHatG*cK*PawPrints**PawPrints*

...don't worry, it washes off with soap and water.
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Review of A Limerick  Open in new Window.
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very nice. I am not a poet, but I know what I like when I read it.
Is there a follow-up limerick that tells us what was so stunning?


I did notice one little thing that needs to be changed though:
but what he saw was much to stunning.
"to" should be "too".
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Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I just read "Smile Sweetheart, The World Needs It".

This was a very uplifting note or speech. I think it would pick up the spirits of whomever it was addressed.
I see no typos, your grammar flows well. I see nothing that needs to be fixed or changed. I'm sure that whoever this was meant for would be touched and know that they are loved.
Thanks for posting.
Sour
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9
9
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I just read "The Calling: chapter 1".


*Radioactive*Disclaimer::
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please heed or ignore them as you see fit. I write them only in a desire to help a fellow writer and intend no offence. Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.

*CheckR*Title/Description::
I like the title, but I'm not sure if it has a deeper meaning, perhaps in later chapters it will tie in.
*CheckR*Plot: Flow and Pacing::
I like the opening conflict and then the stealthy stalk as they check out the cabin. It gave me, as a reader, a bit of action up front, set the tone of the relationship between the two men.

*CheckR*Characters: Believability and Emotion::
Both Cort and T-Mack were well drawn characters, though we found out more about Cort as he was the POV character.
Both were beleivable.

*CheckR*Technical: Typos and Suggestions::
I found no typos, no mispellings and the grammar was well used.

*CheckR*Other Comments::
The only thing that I found that stuck out to me as a possible issue was when Cort was looking through the window on the western side of the cabin. He was able to see the door knob moving as his idiot companion began an entry into the cabin, yet he was able to take several steps, launch hiself into the air and knock the moron off his feet.
I had the impression from the description you gave that they were a bit too far apart for all that. It is a minor thing, and I possibly misinterpretted something, but I did reread that passage and still couldn't visualize how he could move that far that fast.


*CheckR*Overall Impressions and Rating::
This chapter was error free as far as grammar, spelling and timing and I am giving you the highest marks. I am curios about the girl and would like to see where this story goes.

*Radioactive*Disclaimer::
Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.

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10
10
Review of Power Of Mind  Open in new Window.
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi. I just read "Power Of Mind ".

Wow, you packed a punch with only 101 (according to MS-Word) words, not counting the two top lines which state size, title and author.

In the heading you stated:
100-Character Flash Fiction Piece
I think you meant 100-Word Flash Fiction Piece
I pasted your story into my word processor and the word count is 101, but I didn't hand count them.

The story is awesome, especially given the word limit. All I can say is wow.

The only thing I would change is this. When the character is thinking, those internal words would stand out and be more easily understood as thought if they were italicized. For example:

Explode, Gabriel thought.

Combust, she continued internally. Her nails dug into the soft wooden table. Her jaw clenched, face white and plain as a fresh sheet of paper.

Burn. I hate you.


If you did that, you could alter the following to save a few words:
Combust, she continued internally. Her nails dug into the soft wooden table. Her jaw clenched, face white and plain as a fresh sheet of paper.
Combust. Her nails dug into the soft wooden table. Her jaw clenched, face white and plain as a fresh sheet of paper.

My favorite line:
Gabriel screamed louder and with far more terror than all the rest when the boy suddenly burst into flames.

Please keep writing and posting, you have real talent.

*Radioactive*Disclaimer::
Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.
{/left}
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11
11
Review of Power Of Mind  Open in new Window.
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi. I just read "Power Of Mind ".

Wow, you packed a punch with only 101 (according to MS-Word) words, not counting the two top lines which state size, title and author.

In the heading you stated:
100-Character Flash Fiction Piece
I think you meant 100-Word Flash Fiction Piece
I pasted your story into my word processor and the word count is 101, but I didn't hand count them.

The story is awesome, especially given the word limit. All I can say is wow.

The only thing I would change is this. When the character is thinking, those internal words would stand out and be more easily understood as thought if they were italicized. For example:

Explode, Gabriel thought.

Combust, she continued internally. Her nails dug into the soft wooden table. Her jaw clenched, face white and plain as a fresh sheet of paper.

Burn. I hate you.


If you did that, you could alter the following to save a few words:
Combust, she continued internally. Her nails dug into the soft wooden table. Her jaw clenched, face white and plain as a fresh sheet of paper.
Combust. Her nails dug into the soft wooden table. Her jaw clenched, face white and plain as a fresh sheet of paper.

My favorite line:
Gabriel screamed louder and with far more terror than all the rest when the boy suddenly burst into flames.

Please keep writing and posting, you have real talent.

*Radioactive*Disclaimer::
Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.
{/left}
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12
12
Review of THE MESSAGE  Open in new Window.
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CheckR*Title/Description::
The title and the description both seem appropriate for the subject.

*CheckR*Plot: Flow and Pacing::
You have a beginning, where we meet a person whose dreams offer more happiness than reality does as evinced by this passage:
"Such a sense of bliss can never be perceived in reality."
From that statement we also discover that this person need to find more happiness in the real world, thus giving the character a hurdle to overcome...We have conflict.
Thirst and the difficulty in walking and in finding the water becomes a second hurdle...more conflict.
This person literally falls into the resolution of this second hurdle, and yet never drinks. Instead, God pulls the character up and takes away the thirst, while promising that somewhere else and sometime later that character would find happiness, thus giving assurance that the first hurdle will be overcome.

*CheckR*Characters: Believability and Emotion::
The emotions I got from your character include:
Despair: regarding happiness in the real world, implied by finding a bliss in the dream that had never been experienced in the real world.

Trepidation: The character is so happy in the dream that he/she wants to do nothing that might disturb the dream.

Faith: The figure of God has told the character that true happiness awaits in the waking world, and given time, will without doubt come true.

*CheckR*Technical: Typos and Suggestions::
I only saw one grammar issue that stuck out to me.
There are possibly too many eyes in this sentence:
I took a couple of steps in the general direction of the sound, my eyes still searching and my eyes caught a sudden movement a few meters ahead slightly to my left.

*CheckR*Other Comments::
I really like the imagery of the dreamland your character finds Her/Himself in. I assumed the character was a woman, but after rereading, I discovered that you never said anything that would determine the character's gender. The only passage that even provokes the question of the character's gender is:
"But know this, my dearest. The one person who will capture your heart, stay in it, share your life, sorrows, joys, thoughts and promise you unconditional care and support without saying any words, in that person’s heart you will find me and in his face you will see your world."
That passage would suggest that the character is female, but only if the reader makes an assumption that only a woman could find a soul-mate and the presence of God in "his face".

*CheckR*Overall Impressions::
This piece was labeled as type "Other". As written it works as a narrative, though I think it might be easier to read and follow if it were written with the dialogue in quotations and the story written in a more traditional story format.

In the end I was left with the feeling that this character had absolute belief that somewhere out there was a man who would make everything better, in whose face would be seen the characters whole world and in whose heart would dwell the presence of God.

I was disappointed that the character would have to find the world in another person instead within the characters own being, but sometimes that is where happiness is found and you did a good job of describing that.

I was happy in the end that this character would eventually find bliss.

*Radioactive*Disclaimer::
Please remember that these are just my opinions. Feel free to ignore any or all, as you see fit.
13
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Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi,
I really like your premise, that someone with both the resources and foresight to save humanity in the face of a coming disaster.
I did see a few issues you might want to look at:

-In your title, "Prepareing" should be spelled "Preparing".
-You reference a virus spreading through Europe, yet the facility the main character is building will apparently not be ready for eight months. With the modern moblie world, no virus could be confined to Europe unless the entire continent were quarentined. I would suggest perhaps changing the finish time for the facility or working in some mechanism by which the virus can be kept isolated for as long as eight months.
-You reference the reasons for hiring Jackson in two seperate paragraphs. When I read the second reference, the wording made me think I had misread the first paragraph. I think in such a short piece, all such references should be grouped together.

As with any review from me, please feel free to ignore any or all of it.
Thanks for writing and please keep it up!
14
14
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Vary fun knee. Grate peace! Wheel ewe right a nutter? Eye wood luke four weird two reeding sum mower. Half anise knight!
15
15
Review of Sharp  Open in new Window.
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,
I just finished reading the piece and have a few comments.

I loved the way you contrasted the main character's childhood with that of his children. He obviously has great memories of his growing up in the same town and is striving to kindle the same in his children, even though some things have changed.
The beginning is a great introduction to the main character and his family, painting a picture of an ideal american middle class family while describing the family oriented perspective of the main character.
The ending left me thinking that he was about to murder his family using the axe. I am sure that was the implication, but where the story seemed to fall short to my mind was the middle, where he interacted with the old man who sharpened the axe. It was obvious by the end of the interaction that he had somehow corrupted the main character or perhaps the main character was possessed by the axe, but there was not enough description of this corruption or possession. I was left wanting to know how he was changed from a good man to one who was about to murder his own family. That struggle seems to be missing to me, or at least very understated.

All in all, I like this story, though I thought it was lacking something.

I also found the following:

The word "by" before "BLT" should be my.
I am dividing my attention between Susan’s questions, by BLT and the two munchkins I can see through the picture window.

I think the word "guess" does not fit well here. I think the idea would have been better communicated with "I want to believe it is from the grinding, but I know better."
I guess it is from the grinding, but I know better.

Like any review from me, please feel free to disregard any or all of it. I hope you keep writing.
16
16
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I enjoyed reading this. The first part set up an anticipation that wasn't met in any way in the second part, though I assume the two will come together in the rest of the story. I look forward to reading more of this, to see where you take these characters.

As with any review by me, please feel free to disregard any or all of it. Please keep writing.
I did find a couple of things I thought need a bit of attention.

The following sentence needs a bit of attention:
Imagining the terror they must have felt when she'd cornered then in this very room made her already-wide grin spread from ear to ear.
"then" should be "them"
The last part of the sentence doesnt flow well for me. I think "made her already-wide grin spread from ear to ear." Might work better if written something like "made her already wide grin stretch ear to ear." The "-" is not needed.

In the following pargraph you used the word "pale" twice, and it seemed a bit jarring the second time. Perhaps another word could be used to describe the gray skirt as the use of pale seems to be more integral to the description of her hands.
She dropped to her knees; the dark pool of blood on the wooden floor soaking through her pale gray skirt. The woman dipped her small, pale, manicured hands into the spreading pool around her and began to laugh hysterically.

The word "Thought" should be "Though"
Thought the group of seven men searched high and low


17
17
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi,
I just read your piece. This was very well written and hooked my interest immediately. I like the detail and emotion you brought to your main characters and they felt very real and natural to me. All in all, I have to say this was an excellent start to what I think will be a great story, and I can't wait to read it.

I found only a couple of minor technical errors:

The quotation mark after (Excellency.") is not needed.
“He is a peculiar man, Your Excellency." He has gained notoriety in the United States. By those who believe in him, Edgar Cayce is known as America’s sleeping prophet, although many regard him as a fake and a liar.”

"45" should be spelled out.
Seventy years later, in an antiseptically white room, constructed in a chamber 45 feet
18
18
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Now that is why I joined the site. I am a high school dropout and I have much to learn. Excellently written and clear.
Thanks!
19
19
Review of A Man Not There  Open in new Window.
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am no poet, but I do know what I like, and I like this one. I can't speak to the technical aspects, but the idea is communicated very clearly and evoked an instant of recognition, a feeling that something in my own experience has been so eloquently described by another's pen.

Keep writing, I really enjoyed it.
20
20
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You made the story compelling and utterly believable. I was left wishing that he would find himself before a parole board with a couple of people with an actual sense of humor, but alas, I fear those are few and far between.

The only thing I can think of that might have added to the story would be more description of the emotions the main character went through during each stage of the escalating consequences of his prank. Just my opinion as always.

Loved the story, though it does give me pause. I like to play the occasional practical joke, though they don't seem quite as practical after reading this.
21
21
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
It seems that most of the posts are more focused on letters they have to use than they are in continuing the story. I think this would be better if there was more effort to continue the story and not just find words that fit the abc's...

Just my humble opinion.
22
22
Review of The 4th Pillar  Open in new Window.
Review by Sourmaniack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi,
I am totally new here, and not sure if I should review anything yet, but you can be the first I suppose.

I like where your story is heading, I hope you will post more of it.

I think the girl's hacking skills seem to work a bit easily. Maybe more description of what she is actually doing to crack the password?

Also, the following passage has both of the characters looking up to see each other.

********
“I’ve been out for a bite.” He walked over to the couch, sat down and crossed his legs. He smirked up at her angry face and waited patiently for her to erupt.

She looked up at him with her brows furrowed with fury. “Wipe that s***ty smile off your face and answer me.”
**********

Good luck and keep writing. *Smile*
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