I like the energy of this story. Serrony is a teenage girl (fifteen, I presume) and the narrative reflects that. I think with some more time and fleshing out, you could have the beginning to a fun tale here. By 'fleshing out', I mean things like the running to the bus - it'd be great to slow things down, bring the reader right into the action, get the reader's breathing rate to increase along with Kyle and Serrony's as they run. Maybe something to indicate that the brief conversation about Galaxy High was on the bus would be helpful. It wasn't until Serrony was off the bus again that I could make the guess that the conversation had occurred on the bus. At first, I was trying to figure out how they were having such a calm conversation while running. So, maybe, you could say "Are you psyched about Galaxy High?" Kyle asked as he took his seat near the back of the bus (or, right behind the driver... or wherever).
A few typos:
I slowing walked down the corridor as all the students were rushing to get on their buses. -- slowly
Then, when I passed Mrs. Bagollia's room, [i]I recalled I had so many detentions in there.[/i] -- You've been using italics to
indicate thoughts, I would imagine that if this was a thogut it would read a little more like [i]I spent so many detentions in
there[/i]. It reads fine as it is, too, but I would remove the italics, as it seems more like narrative than direct thought.
I had to admit, she was pretty; I totally knew why Kyle liked her. It was because she had big boobs,
and she knew how to show them off too. -- I think the semi-colon might be out of place here. The sentence "I totally knew why Kyle liked her" seems to be followed on by "It was because she had big boobs...", but, with the semi-colon in the front, you're trying to make it more related to the fact she was pretty (in front of the semi-colon). The semi-colon is less powerful as a break than the full-stop, meanign that things one either side of a full stop are more distant than things either side of a semi-colon. I would consider swapping the semi-colon for a full-stop. You COULD put a semi-colon before "It was because...", but I don't think it's necessary.
'Yeah?” I said.
“Well…. I was wondering if you talked to Black Widow in a while.'
'Yeah” -- just a couple of typos - you've opened your Yeah's with single quotes ('), but closed them with double quotes (").
“No, that’s no good either!” I screamed at the top of my lungs I
have
nothing to wear!” I said this while packing my stuff for tomorrow.
“I don’t think it's that bad” said Princess; she always calls
on my
V cam at 7:30. -- I'm not sure what's going on with the formatting here... is it on purpose?
She is also younger and two inches shorter than me; I am only 5'4. I've always looked up to her -- I think this would be a
wonderful opportunity for a play on words. So, Serrony looks up to her shorter friend? Gotta play with that...
“Cupcake?” I laughed. -- Actually, it was Kyle's sister being called Kylie that stalled me! Urgh! (not a comment on your story - you obviously have a sense of humour. I worry about Kyle's parents, though).
“All abroad the Galaxy High School shuttle!” -- I think you mean 'aboard'
There are a few missed spaces and commas throughout. You might like to do a little editing to tidy it up.
The paragraph beginning: I stopped at my front door... let's us in on where this story is set and what kind of adventures might face our protagonist. You have an interesting concept, and I can see you having a lot of fun with it. I, personally, would prefer to learn all this detail through hints dropped throughout the story, but I can see that with just these two chapters presented at this time, you need to let us readers in on the secret somehow... otherwise, we don't know what makes Serrony different. But, I wonder if you could hint at it somehow... in this first chapter, give her a reason to use one of these special powers of hers - but she must do so without showing anyone that she's doing it. And then you could give a brief explanation that her mum told her not to let others see her use them... that would leave us readers wondering "Why did her mother tell her that?". To find out, we would have to read more... and, then you've got us hooked!
Good luck with this and future writing endeavours! |
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