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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/soulhaven
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29 Public Reviews Given
62 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Soulhaven Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fabulous. A lovely little social-commentary piece - and perfect spelling and grammar as far as I can see.
One may consider the dialogue a little bit formal, but I think it works fine for the piece - I wouldn't suggest changing it.

I suppose we compare ourselves to one another so that we might find our own place in the world. Personally, I have found that how negatively I judge other people is directly correlated with how negatively I view myself - when I feel good, everyone else is awesome. When I feel less than perfect, I'm looking for something wrong with everyone else just so I can feel a little better ... it doesn't work, of course. We always have to start with ourselves.

Of course, everyone needs everyone! Even kings need someone to tidy up after them ...

This was a lovely example of interdependencies - I like how you got each sense in there: sight, smell, sound, feel, taste ... And even brain got a mention, but he/she was kind of in the background, like a good brain should be. Perhaps next time heart and feet might get a go? I wonder how Mrs. Brown's feet feel in those shoes? Ha ha. But, I am running away with sequel possibilities already.

Basically, I wanted to say: Nice story. Go write another. (o:
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Review by Soulhaven Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hmm... an intriguing beginning. You have a nice start here, that is sure to draw people in to read further. So, good luck with that.

I like the Irish lilt to this - 'tis a fab accent to read with, I must say. And you've got me very curious as to exactly what it is that Jonah has had to drink and what exactly he is. It sounds a little vampire-ish, but with a twist. It will be interesting to see where you take this.
I also like the tight-knit family angle, here. It should open up plenty of opportunities for interesting sub-plots down the track.

Some things I spotted (to help you out with editing):

In every thought, and every dream.... -- the standard ellipse is three dots: dot dot dot...

“Hey, its me. We still on for tomorrow night?” -- when 'its' is short for 'it is' there is an apostrophe - 'it's' - there are a few cases of this throughout.

I haven’t heard from you in a couple days.. making sure every things okay.” -- same as above on the ellipse. And 'every things' = 'everything's'

How long have I been passed out? There was a pounding in my head that wouldn’t quit. -- 'How long HAVE I...', followed by 'There WAS...' - a confusion of tense. 'Have' instead of 'had' brings the story into the present, while 'was' is clearly past. It is a good idea to keep tense consistent.

I loved my brother dearly but I was loosing my patience -- I think in this case you might mean 'losing'.

Whats not safe? -- should be 'what's'

I’m so thirsty. I tried to speak, but realized... -- Again, the confusion of present/past

You lay down and rest til the boys get here -- I did a little research on this a while back: the correct word is 'till' (of Scottish origin if I remember correctly, and the older form) or 'until'. If you want to use the shortened form of until then you need to use an apostrophe to create 'til.

My entire body burned like someone help millions of matches -- Guessingy you meant 'held'

“Perhaps it would be best of us to talk to our brother alone?” -- 'for us', perhaps?

Jonah, I never made it home to Dublin -- speech on a new line, even if continuing from a previous paragraph, needs quotes - "

to see me lying here on deaths door, -- death's - the door belongs to death.


Good luck with this piece. It will take time and energy to get it just ritght (I know, I have been working on mine for nearly three years so far), but it will be worth it!! Keep going.
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Review by Soulhaven Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the energy of this story. Serrony is a teenage girl (fifteen, I presume) and the narrative reflects that. I think with some more time and fleshing out, you could have the beginning to a fun tale here. By 'fleshing out', I mean things like the running to the bus - it'd be great to slow things down, bring the reader right into the action, get the reader's breathing rate to increase along with Kyle and Serrony's as they run. Maybe something to indicate that the brief conversation about Galaxy High was on the bus would be helpful. It wasn't until Serrony was off the bus again that I could make the guess that the conversation had occurred on the bus. At first, I was trying to figure out how they were having such a calm conversation while running. So, maybe, you could say "Are you psyched about Galaxy High?" Kyle asked as he took his seat near the back of the bus (or, right behind the driver... or wherever).


A few typos:

I slowing walked down the corridor as all the students were rushing to get on their buses. -- slowly

Then, when I passed Mrs. Bagollia's room, [i]I recalled I had so many detentions in there.[/i] -- You've been using italics to

indicate thoughts, I would imagine that if this was a thogut it would read a little more like [i]I spent so many detentions in

there[/i]. It reads fine as it is, too, but I would remove the italics, as it seems more like narrative than direct thought.


I had to admit, she was pretty; I totally knew why Kyle liked her. It was because she had big boobs,
and she knew how to show them off too. -- I think the semi-colon might be out of place here. The sentence "I totally knew why Kyle liked her" seems to be followed on by "It was because she had big boobs...", but, with the semi-colon in the front, you're trying to make it more related to the fact she was pretty (in front of the semi-colon). The semi-colon is less powerful as a break than the full-stop, meanign that things one either side of a full stop are more distant than things either side of a semi-colon. I would consider swapping the semi-colon for a full-stop. You COULD put a semi-colon before "It was because...", but I don't think it's necessary.


'Yeah?” I said.

“Well…. I was wondering if you talked to Black Widow in a while.'

'Yeah” -- just a couple of typos - you've opened your Yeah's with single quotes ('), but closed them with double quotes (").



“No, that’s no good either!” I screamed at the top of my lungs I
have
nothing to wear!” I said this while packing my stuff for tomorrow.

“I don’t think it's that bad” said Princess; she always calls
on my
V cam at 7:30. -- I'm not sure what's going on with the formatting here... is it on purpose?


She is also younger and two inches shorter than me; I am only 5'4. I've always looked up to her -- I think this would be a

wonderful opportunity for a play on words. So, Serrony looks up to her shorter friend? Gotta play with that...


“Cupcake?” I laughed. -- Actually, it was Kyle's sister being called Kylie that stalled me! Urgh! (not a comment on your story - you obviously have a sense of humour. I worry about Kyle's parents, though).


“All abroad the Galaxy High School shuttle!” -- I think you mean 'aboard'

There are a few missed spaces and commas throughout. You might like to do a little editing to tidy it up.


The paragraph beginning: I stopped at my front door... let's us in on where this story is set and what kind of adventures might face our protagonist. You have an interesting concept, and I can see you having a lot of fun with it. I, personally, would prefer to learn all this detail through hints dropped throughout the story, but I can see that with just these two chapters presented at this time, you need to let us readers in on the secret somehow... otherwise, we don't know what makes Serrony different. But, I wonder if you could hint at it somehow... in this first chapter, give her a reason to use one of these special powers of hers - but she must do so without showing anyone that she's doing it. And then you could give a brief explanation that her mum told her not to let others see her use them... that would leave us readers wondering "Why did her mother tell her that?". To find out, we would have to read more... and, then you've got us hooked!


Good luck with this and future writing endeavours!
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Review of Off the Deep End  Open in new Window.
Review by Soulhaven Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Nice style - you really drew me into the circumstances described. My favourite part would have to be the first part: the 9-year old's horror at the scene in front of her. I think we've all had similar situations crop up, although none, perhaps, quite as unfortunate (glass table, white carpet, tax returns and tomato sauce are a tough combination to beat!). On the bright side, it does give you a creative well to draw from in future.
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Review of The Harvester  Open in new Window.
Review by Soulhaven Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
An interesting little tale. I wonder what was included in the list. Was it a list of commandments? Or does Death work in a different way. Very interesting, but I guess we shall always wonder!

I really like your opening. That first paragraph succeeds in sucking the reader in. Favourite part: "He let his voice be a drum, resounding of the coming dangers for my soul..."

Just one little typo: "but" should be "But" (last sentence".

Otherwise, well done! Keep reading, keep writing!
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