I enjoy the topic of the read. I appreciate your honesty regarding your feelings (if they are yours -- if they are not, great job capturing them!), and feel it has a lot of integrity and emotion behind the words -- always great feedback. If i had to give negative (or "constructive" feedback), it would be about the fluency. It seems to go from very fluent to very choppy, a distracting quality. If I were you, I'd stick with one format. I feel like choppy works better for this piece. By chopping, I mean incomplete rhymes (mine and mind), staggering line length, and switching from full sentences to small phrases. Hope this helps. great job!
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