Hi Dave. I am one of the judges of "Words with Wings" and I enjoyed reading your entry.
The magic begins with the title (I love how in a word it says so much) and doesn’t end till we reach the last line of the poem and even then the images continue to resonate with us long after that. This poem brings in all the colours of spring without becoming mundane or clichéd.
“Majestic Monarch butterflies, flitting/ over a golden meadow” reminds me, with a gladdening of the heart, of undulating pastures bathed in warm sunshine.
You have maintained the form throughout and the poem’s rhythm sustains when read aloud.
‘Etouffe’e’ needs to be written as either étouffée or etouffee. The apostrophe is misplaced the way it’s used in the poem. Also the k in key lime pie needs to be capitalized as Key is a particular brand of limes. In fact, I quite like the use of these terms in the poem.
The poem is lovely and surely deserving of a five star but even then I would recommend to you to try breaking out of the box in terms of using rhyming words. Maybe you could try for unexpected rhymes. Just a thought.
Spring is beautiful, isn't it., and there must not be a single person who does not welcome it.
This is an interesting and refreshing take on renewing relationships and I certainly agree that one must take stock of relationships regularly.
The piece flowed well, though there were a couple of places where a bit of tweaking could make a positive difference.
"So why do we recycle? Mom was aware of the value of thrift, frugality, was environmentally aware early in the trend toward reducing, reusing, recycling." - This sentence seems disconnected to the rest of the piece. You have introduced Mother particularly, but there is nothing more attributed to her in the rest of the article. So, either add something or delete this sentence.
" The refuse, unwanted fragments of marriages, like numerous plastic bottles, children adrift from families, on the wayside, tattered hearts caught on roadside weeds like lawnmower shredded soda cans, or old plastic bags smothering new green growth like unhealed emotional baggage from one relationship or another." can be written better as:
" The refuse: unwanted fragments of marriages, like numerous plastic bottles; children adrift from families, on the wayside; tattered hearts caught on roadside weeds like lawnmower shredded soda cans; or old plastic bags smothering new green growth like unhealed emotional baggage from one relationship or another."
In my opinion, if you added some personal experiences about recycling and refreshing relationships (naming people as you have done in the first paragraph where you have described your personal experience), it could add more sparkle to your piece.
I enjoyed reading your piece and I hope the points noted here are helpful.
Looking forward to reading more of your work in the future :)
A heart-breakingly sweet story. Yes, it made me emotional. The incident of the cake was very touching.
I found the beginning a tad bit confusing. You could have referred to Sachin as the husband in the beginning itself, without compromising on the story. And also, that she was in the hospital (where you mentioned the 'walls wore a forlorn look...).
Also, the pain of discovering about the cancer could be put forth in front of the reader with more intensity.
Overall, a nice read.
Keep it up.
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