Beautiful.
Simply, beautiful.
I'm not a poetic person by any means, but your poem really made me feel what you conveyed. It caught me, it held me.
I imagined the best friend, thought about how it would be to struggle between the lust for him and the current relationship.
I can find no faults.
In paragraph 4 you have: **if she didn’t have to attend her mothers dinner parties**
Replace "mothers" with " mother's "
------------------------------------------------------
In that same paragraph, when you made mention of the mother's name **But in the glamourous life of her mother, Alexandra Romanus’s** the name should be "Alexandra Romanus" and the word is "glamorous"
-------------------------------------------------------
It is a hard task to do, but it's really important that you match your tenses. Let the past...reflect just that. In your sentence:
** Her ipod headphones were in her ears during the whole meal**
You could perhaps say instead:
"The headphones to her ipod, had been glued to her ears for the entire meal"
Or something of the sort, it just may be a good idea to replace the **were in her ears** part.
There are some times when you could go without using the words "her" and "she" so repeatedly. You may find that they can be omitted all together, or replaced with something more descriptive.
Honestly, I must admit that I had quite a bit of trouble reading this piece. While your dialogue is, in my opinion, quite good..everything else is a bit confusing. This may be due to the piece being a bit tight packed, everything is so close together that the start seems to just drag on until the end.
You have some grammatical errors, aside from the ones I pointed out, but I think that with a firm look-over on your part, you will spot them.
All-in-all, your story does seem interesting. I am especially keen to find out just what is behind Velvet's reading.
Somi
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/somi
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 9:49am on Mar 06, 2025 via server WEBX2.