Beautiful.
Simply, beautiful.
I'm not a poetic person by any means, but your poem really made me feel what you conveyed. It caught me, it held me.
I imagined the best friend, thought about how it would be to struggle between the lust for him and the current relationship.
I can find no faults.
Of coarse after reading the Introduction to this story I could not just leave it at that. I had to soak in some more.
Once again super sleuth, you have done a good job. My interests have not faltered.
I do have a few notes for you, and of coarse it is just opinions and not something you have to accept at all:
As she held her hand out toward him
"towards" him.
He had an extremely long life-line with a small break in it and then it continued onward toward his wrist.
"towards" his wrist
One evening, while camped in a valley not to distant from the near-by village of Corinth,
not "too" distant
Was he naught but a dream she had envisioned, or was he a real flesh and blood man.
...blood man "?"
There are a few other areas where you will need some better punctuations, just look it over a bit more and you will spot some places that need comma's etc.
"We are still to close to the gypsy camp they could be following us right now.."
still "too" close to
Maybe, in order for things to have a much smoother flow, you could avoid splitting up paragraphs that could be one. I see you have done this quite a bit. eg:
They were well into their cups after drinking all night and celebrating with the whoring tavern wenches. Bleary eyed and restless they staggered toward the river for a drink to help clear their heads. As they approached the sparkling water they spied a water nymph, as beautiful as a spring flower and as delicate as the finest lace. They stood and stared for a while at this graceful creature and as they watched from a distance their desire for this vision of loveliness consumed them.
The three travelers looked toward each other and grinned. Their eyes were filled with lust and their mouths began to salivate. They couldn't believe their good fortune. This was no homely whoring tavern wench, only interested in separating them from their coins. Here was a sweet ripe young gypsy maiden. They all knew what wildcats gypsies were and they plotted to steal her away.
Another way for a smooth transition could be to cut back on the over use of names. If you've mentioned Bogard in a sentence, you can find something else to replace his name in the next.
Although you have done quiet nicely with descriptions, you still haven't given off anything that would enable me to picture the characters. By simply saying how beautiful a person is, and not giving a better run-down, as a reader I am still left out of the loop on what these people look like.
There were some points in the dialogue where I was almost at lost with who was saying what. At times the spoken bits were also pretty"cut-and-dry"
I had a bit of a problem with this paragraph:
"One of our horses has gone lame and she needed some rest. We had to tend to her foreleg or she would not make the journey south. As it is we may have to put her down. 'Tis a shame she is a good mare. We would hate to lose her, she has served us well for many years. But the mare is of no concern to us right now. My daughter is missing. She was at the river's edge and we came running when we heard her scream, but all we found was a pile of wet clothes. There seemed to be a struggle the leaves are all churned-up. We have been trampling through these woods all week so there is no clear trail to follow. We could be following ourselves. Several of our men have gone south along the river and east toward the village. We were about to head north and west when your unexpected presence hindered our progress."
---It is a bit long winded, and I thought: "If you heard your daughter screaming and now she couldn't be found, would you really go into such great detail before trying to find her?" This could be just me though.
I am always up for a good vampire story, and this one seems quite interesting.
I like how detailed you were in explaining how they can now walk among "day-lighters".
I especially liked this part:
"At first our new formula worked well, but we soon found out it was not waterproof. This, I discovered during a torrential rain storm. The clouded sky, thankfully, protected my delicate skin from any sort of searing sun that just might have shone through the dense rain clouds."
Even though I have no idea what the character looks like, I instantly imagined the surprised, shocked, and mortified expression that there must have been, and I even laughed at how comical it could have transpired.
What I really like, overall, is the route you have chosen to take with this story in the introduction.
Here I am not seeing hateful, soulless beings..but instead another side of the species..a more emotional type who shows regret, and longing.
You have most certainly caught my attention. I will be reading on.
In paragraph 4 you have: **if she didn’t have to attend her mothers dinner parties**
Replace "mothers" with " mother's "
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In that same paragraph, when you made mention of the mother's name **But in the glamourous life of her mother, Alexandra Romanus’s** the name should be "Alexandra Romanus" and the word is "glamorous"
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It is a hard task to do, but it's really important that you match your tenses. Let the past...reflect just that. In your sentence:
** Her ipod headphones were in her ears during the whole meal**
You could perhaps say instead:
"The headphones to her ipod, had been glued to her ears for the entire meal"
Or something of the sort, it just may be a good idea to replace the **were in her ears** part.
There are some times when you could go without using the words "her" and "she" so repeatedly. You may find that they can be omitted all together, or replaced with something more descriptive.
Honestly, I must admit that I had quite a bit of trouble reading this piece. While your dialogue is, in my opinion, quite good..everything else is a bit confusing. This may be due to the piece being a bit tight packed, everything is so close together that the start seems to just drag on until the end.
You have some grammatical errors, aside from the ones I pointed out, but I think that with a firm look-over on your part, you will spot them.
All-in-all, your story does seem interesting. I am especially keen to find out just what is behind Velvet's reading.
Somi
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