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Hello StoofSpook  ,
as judge of round 1 of "Sensual Moments, Vol. 9"  , I'm happy to read and review your story "The Indigo Letter" .
 Disclaimer
While I read extensively and write a lot, I'm in no way a professional. Every opinion or suggestion I give is solely from the point of view of a reader. Feel free to accept my suggestions or dismiss them as you see fit.
 Title
This title certainly had me intrigued before I opened the item and read the story. I wondered what would be in it. I wasn't disappointed because I quickly figured out that it was some message from Danny's wife. That the letter would inspire such a sexy scene I could not have forseen. Well done.
 Interpretation of prompt
You took my idea and led it somewhere else altogether. The bar was just a pretext for your story to really start. I really like where you took the story.
 Grabber
"“And I take it you could do with some consolidation?”" I always admire characters who are direct and aren't afraid of saying things like that. This sentence has made your female character come to life for me. I just wanted to know how she would go about convincing him that this was what he wanted/ needed.
 Characters and plot 
Your characters are believable and I could see their attraction to one another. The pain Danny is feeling though lacks a bit of depths according to me. I didn't really feel his pain.
Your plot flows smoothly from beginning to end. I found that the very beginning (the first four paragraphs) were a bit long and heavy (as in forboding and depressing) as opposed to the rest of the story. There was only one instance where there was an inconsisteny. He doesn't take off her undies.
There was one moment when I thought that something was missing, or maybe that is just how Amy is. "“What happened to you?” she asked." Would someone really ask that without knowing the other person? It struck me as something that I would ask friends without needing an 'introduction', but not a stranger.
 Imagery and sizzle 
As I mentioned before, your descriptions are precise and I could picture the scenes easily.
The last part of your story is only the climax to what happened in the bar. What I would have liked to see more is a little more seduction in the bar. This scene seems to focus too much on the drama of what happened to Danny. I think before he goes and kisses her there needs to be more seduction on her part or peeking on his. His kiss seems to come a bit out of nowhere, though we know that she offered the sex.
You gave just the right amount of physical description for me to picture how the characters looked like, and I don't think it's necessary, as some writers of erotica tend to do, to give more details once the characters are in bed. What I had a little problem with though is that you used 'medical' words (penis, vagina) to describe their sexual organs. Why not choose something a little softer, something like a metaphor, or something altogether cruder, that would go with the atmosphere of the seduction?
 Spelling, punctuation and grammar
There are a few mistakes here, and I would like to correct and explain them.
 Punctuation:
"The comforting confirmation of his wife. Chopping board..." Here, a : would be much better than a full stop. A colon is used when you list objects, and here there is clearly a list. Also, a colon is used when there is a movement from the general to the particular in a sentence that contains a list. The general would be the 'confirmation of his wife (implicitely the objects she uses often)' and the particular the list of the objects ('chopping board...').
"Alison’s reply startled him; knowing it was her..." The ; is wrong here. A full stop is much better. There is no link whatsoever between the two sentences, so a semi-colon is not required.
"My proposition to you, though, is to hide nothing; to put my motives out on the table..." I suggest lengthening the second sentence after the semi-colon. Like this, it doesn't make sense. Also, when you use semi-colons, make sure that the two sentences 'linked' by the punctuation mark have to be complete sentences with a subject and a verb.
"he felt exposed lying on the bed half-naked, but liked it." There is no need for the comma here. You only need one when you use a pronoun (I, you, he/she/it, we, you they) in the last part. If it's the same person speaking/ doing the action/ feeling the feeling, then you obviously don't need to repeat the pronoun, and then you don't need a comma.
"They haven't been touched in so, god-damned long." You don't need the comma here.
Spelling:
"consolidation" You mispelled this wrod three times. What you mean is consolation. To console someone is to comfort them, whereas to consolidate is to make stronger, to reinforce.
"holding up glass of whiskey" You forgot 'a' before 'glass'.
"the more of a wreak Juliana grew..." I believe you meant 'wreck'.
"Willards" You forgot the apostrophe before the -s.
"fully clothes" It should read 'clothed'.
"she placed subtle kisses everywhere" I'm not quite sure, but I think subtle is wrong here. I understand that you mean hardly noticeable kisses, but why not say soft? Have a look on the following website http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/subtle, but I don't think this use of subtle is correct here.
Miscellaneous:
"What’s wrong with this mirror, he thought" Several times throughout the story you wrote something in italics and then added 'he thought'. This is not necessary. With the italics, we already know that his thoughts are transcribed. You can either choose the italics and drop the 'he thought', or keep the latter and drop the italics. There is no need for both.
"But despite her beauty" 'But' and 'despite' mean almost the same. There is no need for that. Choose either or, but remember that it's not very good writing to start a sentence with 'but' or 'and', a fairly common practice lately.
"Wow, Danny thought. This girl is good." There were several instances when it would have been better to start a new paragraph, and the quote is one of these. When you change ideas, start a new paragraph. When a different character speaks to the one doing the action, start a new paragraph. That makes it much more visible for the reader and we know immediately who is talking and you won't necessarily need the 'he/she said'.
""Nevertheless", he continued." I didn't understand why you used 'nevertheless' here.
"As his muscles began to stiffen, he began to emit sharp, rapid breaths." You repeat 'began' within the same sentence. I suggest replacing one of them.
"“You should come inside me,” she reasoned." I believe that reason doesn't fit the context here.
 What needs a little more work
I was confused by the following passage: "“More.”/ “More what?”" I had to re-rea it several times and work out who said what. Why doesn't she ask straight away for what she wants, instead of just saying 'more.'?
"And then it was dark." This felt like the story was not finished yet. Was that intentional?
 What I liked best
"drawing sparks of pending satisfaction from the nerves in his heart, his thighs, his arms..." I really liked this line. Sometimes I wish I could come up with more lines like this. I did once, and I don't know how I did it...
 Overall impression
For your first story (at least on this website) this one is of really good qulity. You proofread your story carefully, and made few spelling mistakes. Your knowledge of punctuation is good too, as is your knowledge of how to tell a good story. It was a pleasure to read your story and have it feature in the contest.
Rating of 4.5 based on:
Plot and character: 4.5
Writing: 4.5
Sizzle: 4
Keep up the good work and, above all, keep writing!
Jéssica
"A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament." Oscar Wilde
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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