This reads more like an outline that a finished work. I like what is going on, and the basic story setting that you are establishing seems interesting, but the delivery, at least in this segment, seems rushed to me. It is a series of declarative statements, without much variation in sentence structure. I don't get a feel for the culture of dimension nine, just an idea of what it is like in a general sense. I don't mean to be hyper-critical, there are some interesting things happening here, and it seems well thought out in terms of what is going on, but the actual execution seems incomplete. I think it is a good start and could prove to be a good story. Keep up the good work.
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