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1
1
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for choosing Viktor's Reviews.

Fiction?

As I finished reading this, I couldn't help but wonder if this was a true story or not. It reads much like a personal account of a few days, yet it has the undertones of a fictional story.

This review has been delayed because I couldn't decide how to approach this review. If this is nonfiction, great job on capturing the "I was there feel."

Terms

Some of the terms in here are confusing to the average reader. Unless your target audience is readers in India, you will need to explain these terms out. I only understood what hookah was due to a recent news story over it. The other terms, I had no idea.

You don't need to stop and give a Webster's definition of the terms, just give more context on the terms.

To be continued?

When I finished reading, I couldn't help but wonder if there was more to this story. The story was leading up to something, but never did. If this is the end of the story, you will need to give a better ending. If there is more, I suggest adding in "chapter 1" to the title, so the reader understands this is a longer work.

By saying hopeless romantic, that gives a strong hint about a future romance. Without the note of romance later on, the reader is left feeling uncertain about the plot. If this is all there is to the story, it will need to be expanded to include the romance. Don't get tempted to just throw in a romance, it will need to be fully flushed out like the rest of the story.

There needs to be a conflict with all stories, and this lacks conflict. If there is more, the conflict can be introduced later. If this is it, then it is a necessity. The smoking could provide a great source of conflict.

Stars

3.5

Is there more? Is this true? Answer these questions for a more accurate star rating. I have debated long and hard on this/

Overall

Not the best ending for a story, but I do see a lot of potential for expansion. Keep writing!


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#1441645 by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
2
2
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Thank you for choosing Viktor's Reviews.

Good chapter.

Prologues

A prologue sets up the story to come. It is the reader's(and publisher's) first impression of the story at hand. Unlike the rest of the chapters, prologues don't need in detail descriptions.

This prologue reads like a middle of the book chapter. Side details are given to the point that the mystery of the prologue is lost.

Since Shay is suffering from severe blood loss, you could try showing his delirium. Flirt with confusing the reader just a little bit. End the prologue with Shay collapsing in the forest to the howls, and the mystery is set. Or try beginning with the betrayal. Set the mood for the story, with as little information as possible.

Descriptions

There is a saying you will hear here at WDC. "Show, don't tell."

What is meant is that let the characters do their job. Let them do things. Instead of telling the reader that the hero was betrayed, show the scene. Play it out. Often times, this allows for a much greater character depth. For example:

John came home with a scar on his face.

Okay, so John came home with a scar. Was it self inflicted? Or a fight?

A showing method would be:

John's wife opened the door to find her husband staring at the floor. "What happened?"

"I lost the fight," sobs John as he lifts his head, revealing a brilliant scar.

"You're such a pathetic actor! I told you to turn the motor off first. Get cleaned up for dinner."

Now we see that John was working on something, and pulled a not-to-intelligent stunt. He tried to hide it with a joke, but the wife saw straight through it and nagged him.

Sometimes, extensive back stories prevent a full showing of everything. In those cases, take care in choosing what actually gets told. The reader can often times correctly assume some back story without being told.

With this chapter, leave off who did the betraying. Let him stumble through the woods, mumbling incoherently due to blood loss. Let his last breath be "betrayed," and suddenly the reader knows that Shay was betrayed and barely escaped. Depending on how the story moves onward, depends if it is ever necessary to go into more details.

You show his thoughts, a perfect way to switch from tell to show. Take full advantage of it. Show off his delirium.

Descriptions, Active and Passive

A point I like to make on descriptions are two other types. They work a little differently, but have just as great of an impact.

Active descriptions use as much active voice as possible. Colors race, dance, etc. By getting those action verbs in, it draws in the reader, and speeds up the tempo of the writing. This is a must for action scenes, and in most cases, introductions.

Passive descriptions avoid the action verbs. The verb "were" (and its forms) is common. Passive descriptions are good for setting up a quiet tone. When done properly, they can make a hidden thief feel invisible.

Choosing which way to go must be done deliberately. Choosing correctly will leave the reader engrossed with the story, and a movie will be playing in their mind's eye.

With this being the beginning of the story, I recommend starting with active descriptions to show that this is a race against time. As Shay loses consciousness, slowly change to a passive description. The reader will begin to feel like Shay, and finish the chapter thirsting for what will happen next.

Plot

Starting off with a wounded adventurer almost always seems to capture my attention. There is a lot of room for plot development here.

Due to the number of writers that have chosen this type of beginning, reader empathy is critical. If the reader is empathetic, there is no choice for the reader but to continue reading.

Stars

3.5

Strengthen those descriptions to attract the reader's attention. With strong descriptions comes an extra star.

Overall

I see a lot of potential here. Do not get discouraged by my review. My aim here was to help you improve, not to belittle your writing abilities. Writing as a couple is quite an accomplishment. Please, keep writing.

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3
3
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for choosing Viktor's Reviews.

Best episode yet.

Henson

Killing Hensons has become a running joke of the series. Just keep the methods interesting, and the viewer will never get old of Henson. Be careful, don't do too many episodes just on killing Henson.

Also, couldn't they have used a Henson clone for the leg? Would have made the episode short, but it is an issue you will need to address.

Characters

Finally, I-Doc gets some screen time. He is a rather interesting character, but I don't see him taking a leading role. With the personality traits he showed here, I see him as the support character that gives the odd medical advice.

No govitts? With the rate that Henson was killed, I see no need to have them in this episode. As I was reading the screenplay, I was never wondering where they were. Keeping them out of episodes prevents them from feeling like a crutch when you can't come up with something for the characters to do for a full episode.

Why did I hear Paris Hilton as Felicia for the last line?

Plot

Shows can take on one of two methods, a plot oriented approach or a character approach.

In a plot oriented, the cast goes through an adventure getting some sort of reprieve at the end of each season. This has become popular with cartoons, as the the plot motivates the viewer to tune in next time. Shows like Ben10 and Naruto are examples. (I know different target audience, it has been awhile since I could watch adult swim)

In character oriented, each episode gets its own plot, with little carry over. The focus here is on a character's actions. These were highly popular for a long time. Characters feel more rounded with this approach, and there are no worries of writing oneself into a corner. Think The Simpsons and Family Guy.

As from what I have seen, you are using the second approach. While for the nature of Adult Swim this may work, the first approach may be necessary to attract attention. I would try to plan out separate first seasons for each approach. That way, if you are told that the other is wanted, the work is already done. It might even snag a few extra readers from WDC for you.

Typo

Scene 5 introduction-"...and Angela is plugging here(her) nose."


Length

With Star's killing spree, I wonder about the length here. Time might be an issue here, but its too hard for me to tell for sure. If you can find someone more familiar with such, be sure to ask about time.

Stars

4.5

Where was that stick of dynamite put? Mental leap is somehow funnier.

Overall

Good episode. If this was on Adult Swim, it would be a to watch show for me. Good luck finding an editor.

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Contains Items for Viktor's Reviews
#1444848 by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
4
4
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for choosing Viktor's Reviews.

Interesting Episode.

Henson, Kill Henson

Keeping up with the Hensons was a little difficult at times. At one point you were numbering them. I suggest doing so just to keep straight which Henson is doing what. The idiot/dumb Henson part was too difficult to follow. Even if finished production has artistic details to tell the difference, use the numbers to aid script reading.

The Crew

Looking over your cast roster, I noticed several characters missing. Keep in mind that large casts can bee difficult for an audience to remember. If characters are not getting screen time, then they may need to be reduced to secondary characters.

Leaving out characters often raises the question of, "and where were they?" Try to keep the main cast small. Recurring secondaries don't need a personality profile, as enough about them should be gleaned from the episode at hand.

So far, I have yet to meet I-DOC or the "villains." While they do have some interesting personality quirks, I wonder if an episode featuring them and the standard crew will be too confusing to follow.

The crew as is does well enough responding to each other. Their personality quirks were evident in this episode.

Adult Swim

Crude humor, language, and an appeal to those with a mind in the gutter. Definitely fits in. Target audience is hit with this. Start working on story boarding this episode. It will be helpful when you pursue the contract with Adult Swim.

Audio Guide

I see an audio guide at the end of the episode, but I have no idea what it means. For WDC purposes, and general in writing script format, more explanation may be necessary.

Stars

4.5 Stars for Star's orders to the Hensons.

Overall

Good episode. I was definitely laughing at certain points. As I read the script, I began seeing the cartoon play before my eyes. Good job.

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5
5
Review of Platonic Whisper.  Open in new Window.
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thank you for choosing Viktor's Reviews.

Great job on capturing the emotion and feel of finding a dead body.

Font

The font here is a little hard to read. I suggest increasing it in size.

Tone

I rather do like the tone here. I have read this several times, and have yet to find a problem. A longer piece would have been too depressing for me, but this is the perfect length.

Typo

"Her non-to-elegant position..."--Should be an extra "o" at the end of "to."

Emotion

Seeing a dead person for the first time is never easy. As I looked away from this piece, the sorrow stayed with me. I feel the pain of this piece, something that is never easy for a writer to accomplish.

Stars

5 stars.

I have tried hard to come up with ways to improve this piece. I cannot. This is a well written piece, fully deserving 5 stars from Viktor's Reviews. I really do enjoy this piece, and I'll be back repeatedly to read it again.

As for the font and typo, don't worry. I had to check this over several times for something to say for improvement. I find myself wishing I could say more.

Good job.


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Review of An Officers Story  Open in new Window.
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Warning

Due to the nature of war, I have a hard time seeing this as an E rated piece. Due to the description in the paragraph before the last, I would move this to a 13+ rating for violence. A moderator may see this and lock it in at a higher rating. After revisions, you are unsure of the new rating, just ask. Try going to
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The official Writing.Com Content Rating Support forum: questions, rating adjustments, etc.
#430933 by Writing.Com Support Author IconMail Icon
for answers. Mods hang out there, so you will find the MOST accurate answer there.

Descriptions

There are two ways to handle descriptions, with either a passive tone or active tone (not to be confused with passive voice). A passive tone describes the scene with words such as were, are, is, etc. The verb used indicates no action. For a gentle description, this works well, by generating a peaceful tone to the story.

For this story, a more active tone would help. Use action words to use the describe what is going on. This brings intensity to the story at hand. For a battle scene, this is good.

Take a look at the second paragraph:

Upon closer inspection, the men’s uniforms were a patchwork of different shades of red. Most were a mud stained and patched after a long campaign. Some of the men had the start of full beards and some were missing their shako caps. Their pants were grey some were white, and yet some were ripped and patched with various shades of grey.

This is passive. For a more active, try:

Mud, streaking up the pants of the soldiers, could barely hide the pure white of the pants. The jacket, with reds competing for the eye's attention, was ragged and torn. Haphazard patches attempted to hide the rough road the soldiers had been down. New and old beards hugged the men's faces.

The more active verbs can pull in the reader. Also, try avoiding the basic colors (red, blue, yellow, black, white, gray). You don't need to get fancy with colors like papaya whip, but do try to keep action words in the description.

In the next paragraph, you do much better with the descriptions with the cannons that "belched." While perhaps not the best sound choice, it does create a nice, mental image.

Punctuation

I noticed a few comma errors.

"From a distance(comma) the men looked like a red brick wall(comma) standing motionless on top of the small(comma) Portuguese hill."--The word "from" at the beginning indicates an introductory phrase, thus it needs a comma. Descriptive phrases with two or more descriptions need commas between adjectives.

"The men stood as still as possible in front of the enemy (comma)although not far away four cannons belched smoke, fie and death at them."--The word "although gets a comma nearby in most cases because it shows contrast.

"Every now and then one of the cannonballs would create a small hole in the ranks of the British soldiers, a hole of torn bodies and blood which was soon filled in by sergeants in the rear rank."---Two points here.

1)"Every now and then (comma)..." This is an introductory phrase and needs a comma.

2) "...one of the cannonballs would create a small hole in the ranks of the British soldiers, a hole of torn bodies and blood which was soon filled in by sergeants in the rear rank." Two description for the same noun in two places. This is avoided due to it can confuse the reader. Not to mention, it does make for a wordy sentence. Try:

"...one of the cannonballs would leave British sergeants racing to fill a gaping hole of bodies."--Leaving plenty of space to add in a few good action verbs. Typically if the noun has to be listed a second time to keep a description coherent, try rearranging the description.

"They were not meant to stop the enemy (comma)but only to cause confusion and wreak havoc in the enemy ranks."--Since it shows contrast, "but" needs a comma. The "and" enforces this.

For the next comma error, I will not quote to hopefully not offend someone blocking all but E rated reviews. While being descriptive, the paragraph before the last needs a paragraph for the Colonel's wound.. Since it is a list of what is happening, a comma is needed after eye. Also, an apostrophe is needed in "Colonels" to show possessive ("Colonel's").

"...between officer or soldier veteran or recruit..."---(last line) Try "...officer(comma) soldier veteran(comma) or recruit...." With lists, it is best to use commas between items. Also, is it a soldier with a lot of experience in war (veteran soldier) or someone with experience in another area that happens to be a soldier (soldier veteran)?

Don't feel bad about the commas. I had to check the rules several times just now. Comma errors do happen. It can be a turn off to a publisher to see a lot of those in a submitted work. I point them out because they are so easily missed. If you were to inspect the commas in my work, I guarantee there are a few errors. It happens.

If you are curious as to my reference: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...---good site for anything English related.

Stars

3.5 Stars for potential rating error, commas, and improvable descriptions. Fix the commas, rating, and descriptions for one more star. Other than mentioned changes, good story.

Overall

Good thought provoking story. It has a nice moral at the end. As for plot and character, good job. It was certainly an enjoyable read. Keep writing!


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7
7
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Good chapter.

I see no fundamental spelling or grammatical errors. There is only one point I notice.

It is very obvious that you have a well developed magic for your story. I don't think I have encountered a magic so well developed. Which brings me to my concern.

Be gentle on how you introduce your magic. So much detail so quick can turn off a reader. As I read this, I got the feeling I was entering the story at the middle. I would have no qualms with this if this was the second book of a series. In fact, then it would be ideal. A quick refresher, and then jump into the story.

A chapter or two with a character without knowledge of magic would be helpful. As the character learns, so does the reader. It also helps in that your powerful characters will be more powerful to the reader, as the new learner will give a reference point for the power scale.

Magigenesis, unus, duo, tres, quattuor quinque, sex, septus, the types of magic, social status, political status--They get muddled together on the reader's first time through.

Letting one term get defined by context is okay, but if too many are allowed at once, it pulls the reader out of the story. The reader stops at each context defined word, and thinks about the meaning.

I highly recommend keeping a set of notes on your magic rules. A minor mistake could cause irrevocable damage to your story. The reader will have enough difficult keeping the rules straight. A minor mistake could leave the reader upset to the point that they advertise that the story is unreadable and a waste of money. Definitely not good for sales.

It is good that you have a well developed magic system. Too often the magic is downplayed to the point where I wonder why any sort of magical training is required.

I am not suggesting you to remove or change the magic system; just in how you reveal it. Take a little bit more time, and you will be fine.

I will review the next piece hopefully tomorrow.
8
8
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting chapter.

The last couple of lines from the prologue would do wonders here at the beginning. The cliché would be downplayed to the point that it wouldn't hurt the story. The emphasis would be on the point of what the dream is, instead of it is a dream.

As with the sword from the prologue, what type of bow? I can imagine this one would be a smaller bow, but the detail would help with the depth of your story.

Watch your capitalization here. I noticed a few points where an adjective could have been a part of a proper noun. Example:

grand Karonian army (Grand Karonian Army)

Is the Karonian army grand? I would think that with the word grand, it should be capitalized.

Spacing errors:

It looks like a few paragraphs have been clumped together, or a line break has been accidentally entered. Paragraphs 10, 18, 22, 34, 39

Typos:

moons position--moon's position

Yes, I’m fine...--The begin quote marks are on the line above.

He jerked as her released.--He jerked as he released.


Overall, this is a good chapter. I hope that you will continue to develop this story.
9
9
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This definitely gets my attention.

Be careful, though, the end here is a cliché. Starting off with one so early can reflect negatively in your hunt for a publisher.

I recommend dropping the last line. I don't think the line does enough to overcome the hindrance of the cliché.

Minor note: sword

What type of sword? There are a lot of sword types. Each is for a different purpose. Mention the type of sword, as it will help the visual of the story.

Overall, good job.
10
10
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Good chapter.

It took me a moment to catch the humor, but now I find myself giggling like a school girl.

I've had the same sentiments about those going through speed checkouts with too many items. It was somehow relieving to read that part.

I have two minor points of concern. The ellipsis (...) breaks are difficult to see. I recommend changing to an easier to see symbol. (***, ---,###,etc.)

The other point is the humor. You do introduce the humor in your folder description, but a reader that comes across this piece another way will be lost. This humor could potentially betray you and leave this story as a cheesy Scifi Channel special.

Good job! I'm definitely moving onwards.
11
11
Review of Pikemen's Bridge  Open in new Window.
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Good story.

I really shouldn't have read this story so late. Good job on maintaining the suspense.

I noticed a two errors.

"Aint gonna make no difference now anymore than it has before.” Should be Ain't.

"Under Mikes shirt..." Two problems here. One is it should be Mike's. Second one is, "where did the shirt come from?"

Overall, my standard praise for your work still stands. You continually produce high quality work. Keep it up!
12
12
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good chapter.

There are a lot of "What are they talking about?" moments here. Be careful, this might lead to a particularly painful "info dump."

Good job on explaining the effects of magic. Too many times, I have read about unchecked magic use. Controlled magic use is key to maintaining believability.

The only drawback I see here is that information about who these people are and what there doing is lacking. While a little bit of mystery grabs reader attention, too much turns off the reader. The excessive mystery leaves the reader confused instead of curious. I see this piece as standing at slightly too much mystery.

I see no spelling or grammatical errors.

This story is good thus far, I definitely wish to keep reading.

Good job!
13
13
Review of Chapter 3  Open in new Window.
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good job.

The ending here definitely makes me want to continue reading. This story has a lot of potential at this point.

Waiting so long to have the mystery introduced may produce difficulties when you look for a publisher. Some readers may not mind having to wait for the mystery to be introduced, but many may get turned off.

Try introducing a little bit of the mystery introduced in the "next chapter" in chapter 1. Let the reader know that something is going to happen, just not when or how.

I see no spelling or grammatical errors. There is a stray bracket when Natalie tries to talk to Westmore in the field.

Overall, this is a good story. Eyestrain is not a problem while reading this. At the end, I find myself entertained. This would be a book that I would continue to read. Keep writing!
14
14
Review of Chapter One  Open in new Window.
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well written chapter.

I particularly liked the introduction. It brought about a pleasant amount of suspense for the beginning of a work. It is a bit of a cliché, but it does make for a relateable main character. It won't hurt the reader's perception of the story, but a publisher might hold it against you.

The rest of the chapter reads well. I see no problems with grammar or spelling. Eye strain is as low as possible for an online story.

However, I don't think this holds well as the first chapter. It reads as if it were the second. Outside of the first paragraph, no suspense is created. Nor is there any foreshadowing that stands out.

Don't get me wrong, I think this chapter is well written. I just don't think it serves its purpose as a first chapter. Give the chapter something to hook the reader, and this is an excellent first chapter.

Perhaps, try reworking so that the beginning sequence is at the end without revealing the truth. Mystery and suspense will help any story attract and maintain readers.

Overall, good job! This chapter reflects a lot of work put into it. Keep on writing.
15
15
Review of Eleana-Prologue  Open in new Window.
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting prologue. Definitely would make me move on to chapter 1.

Having read chapter 1 already, I would say cut out the parts about Eleana and her dad. The lyrics will support themselves just fine. With those parts in, it gives the impression that the story will pick up with Eleana and her father. Without those parts, it adds a strong mystery element to the story.

Spelling and grammar here are good. I see no errors.

I must admit, this makes me want chapter 2 even more.
16
16
Review of Stay Inside  Open in new Window.
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great story.

I see a lot of Stephen King influences in here. That is definitely not a bad thing. You might hit a snag with publishers on sounding too much like King, but you won't get that complaint from readers.

You kept me engrossed the entire way. Of course, I might be biased on that point, as I have most of King's books.

The ending was perfect. No loose ends, no question of why it ended, or what next. This is how all stories should end.

Only one minor point for improvement. With online text, things read differently than on a physical page. Tabs just don't work effectively with electronic reading. I suggest adding a space between paragraphs. This will reduce the eye strain of the reader.

Great job!
17
17
Review by Viktor Serecros Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I have the reverse problem. Getting the sun out of the garden, as two hundred days of direct sun can cause a lot of harm (that and the lack of rain). This had great imagery, but what is Leylandii? This one is good, but I like the bomb squad better.

Good luck with the contest.
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