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Review by snowpeacock Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi

Very interesting, well written chapter that definitely wants to make you read more. There's really good flow and nothing drags about it, so the pace is good. The only things I would add which I think could enhance this is that, whilst stories don't really mirror reality (or else they would be v boring), I think it is unrealistic that the doctor would start to explain what's happened to someone within minutes of them waking from a comma. I think it would be good if the doctor and the others were taken aback by her being awake and took some moments just to be kindly and ask questions like can you move your eyes, can you feel your toes and to say hello we're glad you're back. Even as health professionals I don't think you would be non plussed if a patient you cared for woke after such a long period, so I think there should be something more celebratory and astonished in their tones and mannerisims. It could then build to her having a drink etc and then asking something that infers that she thinks it was only last night she got ill and then there can be a bit more tension around the reveal that she's been out for eight months and some gentle probing of what she remembers. I know this would slow things down a bit, but I think it would be good for the reader to wondering what's happened for a bit like the main character.
I think the mother's reaction could be more epic, if your child came round from a comma, it should probably be as melodramatic as possible. The main character in theory should freak out beyond belief when she looks in the mirror see's it's someone else. But I like that she's subdued that to me would be in line with having just been in a comma and you would expect her to be in a dreamlike state, but I think by the next day the person should start to majorly panic, but then I like that you have her nodding dumbly as I think this emphasises that she's in shock and can't process what's happened. Great chapter - well done!
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