This was a great short story. Great setting and nice flow. There isn't a dump of information just what you need to know. I enjoyed reading this piece very much. A lot of emotion was packed into this short story. I could feel what Becker was feeling and even felt frustration along with him. I don't have any way to make this better or more interesting. Seemed great the way it is. The end of the story was perfect because it left me wanting more but it ended perfectly.
Hello.
I thought this was a very good story so far. Your dialouge is very good but the rest of the writing is pretty rough and seems forced at times but believe me I completely understand. This is why us authors have so many edits that we do. There are some spelling errors I noticed and sentences in which words are missing. In the dialouge you don't have to keep putting he said, she said, he asked, she asked thing. Once you establish who is talking then you can just leave it at back and forth dialouge unless a third party comes into the conversation then those tags are necessary to keep up with who is talking. Very good story like I said I would suggest more edits and maybe a fresh pair of editing eyes at the story who can maybe help with editing you aren't catching. All in all it's a good rough draft. Keep going. Your characters are well defined and described. I liked it.
This sounds very good so far. Nice attention to detail and painting a picture of the magic that is occurring with opening the gate. Does the sword talk? Because I wasn't sure at first because Iris says something and then you have Iris being the sword. If it is in fact the sword perhaps add something after the spoken part to indicate the voice is coming from the sword, an inanimate object. I would love to read more. I found this beginning very interesting and would read whatever is written next. Nice work.
Your story was very nice. I like how the girls are so friendly with each other and how they realize that they do not want a mean boyfriend. Keep writing. The more you write the better you'll be. And remember, always take what people say into consideration but not to heart. ;) keep up the good work.
M.A Gonzales
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