This is a good experience that people should either participate in or read about. I have never done this; I am not really afraid of things enough to stop me from doing things. I have fear but not a phobia. It was a good instrunction manual and. also, a good anecdote that delivered what you expect with a few laughs at times.
So far so good but the beginning monologue is not something I or anyone my age, 16/17, would say. It would help if you rewrite it, the sentence structure and the flow of the sentences.
It was hard to read without spaces in between the paragraphs. You could, instead of adding spaces, indent like ordinary paragraphs in books. Without any spaces between paragraphs, I read over lines that I just read and skipped whole sentences. Your style of writing is very flowery, Baroque-like.
"He screwed up his eyes and fought against the tiredness that was encompassing his legs." The way you wrote doesn't give a good image. Saying that he screwed up his eyes probably isn't the meaning that you want. The sentence after it: "As they continued to pump back and forth, propelling him forward, they screamed in agony, acidic tenseness coiling around his muscles and contracting painfully, begging him to stop, to give in and collapse to the floor and accept his fate." The first part of the sentence should use the noun, his legs, instead of "they" because in your previous sentence you talk about both his eyes and his legs. The last part was very choppy and could flow a little easier. Even if you are trying to project a feeling through the short phrases, they could be blended together better.
"His footsteps were growing heavier, his wearing legs failing to lift his feet as far, or to flick them so elegantly from the floor." by "wearing legs" do you mean weary?
"It wanted them dead, so in time it would get its wish." How about "It wanted them dead and ,in time, it would get its wish,"? It flows easier and thus making it sound more normal.
What do you mean by "thick and powerful with the texture and strength of metal." in the sentence "Thick and powerful with the texture and strength of metal, the sleek hooves thudded down on him, blood seeping from his mouth as he bled internally." I can't really tell right now.
The story was good but the style and grammar were below par. My main suggestion is to streamline it and make it smooth. After that you can add in details that accompany the flow of the story.
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