Thank you for sharing this story. In my review, I'll summarize the plot to make sure that I understood it properly, and make some comments about different aspects of the story that I liked or that I thought could use some work.
As with any review, these are only my opinions, which I hope you will find useful. I don't like giving ratings because there are no real rating standards on this site - therefore I rate everything as four stars.
Plot: Perry wakes up in prison along with a minion of (I assume) the Devil. He is told that he has killed his wife and children, and must make a choice between giving up his soul or theirs to atone. Later he awakens to discover that his wife and children are still alive.
- I was a bit confused about the plot of your story. The ending makes it seem as though the scene in the jail cell was merely a dream, but if this is the case, and his wife and children are still alive, then what mistake has he made that he needs to give up a soul for? Is it supposed to tie into the dream sequence?
- I'm also a little unsure about the significance of Tammy's deep voice, if any. Is she a demon or minion? If the deep voice is not significant to the plot, I'd lose it.
Scene / setting: In a jail cell, then in his bedroom when he awakes. The cell is described minimally, but well enough to set the scene (the "cold brick wall")
POV / referencing: It seems to be a mixture of First Person (in the visitor's head) and Third person limited (in Perry's head). It was unusual, but I thought it worked well enough due to your use of italics for the first person POV.
Characters: Perry, the possibly alcoholic possible murderer. The Visitor, a minion of "him" ("he" likely being the devil). Perry's wife and kids.
- I found myself wondering what The Visitor looked like. Did he appear human (when he wasn't changing into a knife or chainsaw)? Perhaps it would help to flesh out this character a little more
Grammar / Spelling: No issues that detracted from the story.
My personal opinion: My main suggestion for this story would be to explain the ending a little more clearly. Is the dream (if it is a dream?) connected to the last scene in reality? I thought that the first part where the visitor and Perry had their discourse to be interesting, but had trouble tying it all together at the end
This was an interesting story, I enjoyed reading it for the most part - although I had trouble suspending my disbelief that anyone would go to these extreme lengths (i.e. suicide) to one-up their brother. but then again, I've never had a twin brother.
I thought the dialogue had a somewhat surreal quality to it, which isn't necessarily good or bad, just something noticeably divergent from how I've noticed that most people normally talk, and it therefore made it harder for me to become immersed in the story.
You may also want to consider changing your opening line to something less cliche (the weather) - the bottle of scotch and cyanide were the real hook there, the first line was only filler, which you can't afford in a story this short.
Hope this was helpful - take from it what you will and ignore the rest. Thanks for sharing this story, and keep writing.
Plot: Julie visits a strange shop and take a liking to an angel doll. The shopkeeper tells her about the doll and it's magical powers. in the end, she forgets about visiting the shop, but still has the doll as she walks away
POV / referencing: Third person limited, in Julie's head
Scene / setting: Minimal - what makes the shop trendy? What did it smell like inside? Did she notice any strange noises? The reader doesn't come away with much of an impression of the setting.
Characters: Julie, the shopper, and Alice, the shopkeeper. Oh, and Jaz, the cat. At the end of the story I couldn't say that I knew much about any of the characters, or their motivations.
Grammar / spelling: no major issues.
My personal opinion: I found several aspect of the story confusing. Why is Alice taking customers into her tea room to talk about the angel doll? Does she do this for every customer? This exchange also make me wonder:
“That is an angelic sacrifice. The angel inside cannot be removed without something else taking its place. It holds the horrors of another world at bay.”
Julie rolled her eyes as she sipped her latte. “No-way. “
Alice's dialogue seems very surreal, and apropos of nothing. Maybe some buildup and background would help to explain what she's talking about? And is Julie's response meant to be sarcastic? If a random stranger started talking to me about about the "horrors of another world" I'd probably be a little more uncomfortable and have a bigger reaction than simply rolling my eyes.
In the later part of the story where you talk about the heart-shaped pillow, it seems like julie and Alice have somehow switched places, since Julie goes to get the pillow and explains how to free the angel. I assume this was not your intention?
I hope this was helpful, good luck in the contest!
Thank you for sharing your story. In this review, I'll summarize your plot to make sure that I understood it, and make some comments about the various aspects.
Plot: Andrew is being treated for cancer. He is feeling lonely and depressed, until a woman whom he sees often finally breaks through his shell and cheers him up by giving him a valentines day card.
Scene / Setting: in a hospital (or possibly nursing home?), it's not really stated anywhere. Assume modern day from cancer treatment he is receiving.
Character development: Andrew's character is sufficiently developed considering the very short length of the story, but that's about it. Who is this woman who keeps trying to reach him? Why does she bother, what is her motivation?
Grammar / spelling: A couple of minor issues here. Some examples:
"Maybe Andrew had just forgotten that all the help he received; all the wonderful people he had met; were a part of his recovery"
I would recommend leaving out the second semicolon, and changing the first to a comma
"Rather the years of negativeness that had seeped into his life like a cancer"
You might consider following the word "Rather" with a comma, and changing "negativeness" to "negativity"
General comments: Something that I've learned from my relatively short time on WDC is the importance of showing rather than telling. Your story has some instances of showing, but still more of telling. For example,
"Just then a familiar voice squeaked from behind him.
" Will you be my Valentine, sir?" The shrill weak voice announced. "
This exchange could be a good opportunity to put this concept into practice. Instead of telling us that her voice is shrill and weak, show us through the character's reactions to her voice or additional dialogue. Also, using dialogue tags like "squeaked" or "announced" can sometimes serve to take the reader out of the story. It's usually better to limit dialogue tags to "he said" or "she said" and use them only when absolutely necessary
Very interesting poem, I enjoyed reading it. My overall impression was that the last stanza seemed disconnected from the first two, both in form and content. I wasn't sure exactly what you were trying to say as you jumped from being the mountain (in the first two stanzas) to being the fire in the cave. Perhaps some additional verses would smooth the transition, making it easier for the reader to follow your train of thought?
This is a rather sad poem, but well written. I liked the emotions that it brought to the surface, I can imagine myself in the character's shoes, feeling the loss of the person that he/she cared about, but couldn't hold onto. Also good use of the different tenses (i.e. "losing you" turned into "lost you" after the character realized he/she wasn't coming back)
If I can add any suggestions, it would be for the last stanza. It seems incongruent with the rest of the poem, both in the quality of the rhyme and the last line. Buts that's only my opinion.
As requested, here is a review of the story you linked to.
My first impression of the piece is that it tries to do too much in too short of a time. It seems as though it is being written as a short story - but assuming that you intend to make this into a full length novel (which is indicated in the description), there is time to take things a little more slowly, and provide more of an explanation about what is happening and why. ie. what were the circumstances under which he came into their care? Why does he know nothing about where he came from, but knows that he can transform into a wolf (assume its a wolf instead of a dog, and that Zahilla is a vampire himself).
Beyond this general comment, I also have some specific suggestions about how the piece could be improved:
- As you suggested to me when you reviewed my work, whenever the focus of the story changes between characters, even if they don't speak, a new paragraph should be started. Examples:
“What have we told you about shifting while you are still in your clothes?” Instantly Zahilla relaxed. He knew this voice. It belonged to Mr. Nox. This man had been like a father to him since the day he had found Zahilla cold and shivering in the forest over a full cycle of the seasons ago.
"He is safe. When the moon comes out the King's men will leave." Mr. Nox assured her. I smell fear on him. I remember this fear. My parents smelled like this fear just before the fire!
In these examples, Zahilla's actions and/or thoughts should be in a paragraph of their own
- You might want to consider limiting the explanations used when describing how something is said. When reading, the word "said" is almost invisible, but:
"Now!” She shouted tearfully
Is a little too extravagant (for my tastes). In this specific example, "shouted tearfully" also doesn't fit well in context with the previous sentence, where she seems to be angry.
- How old did you plan for Zahilla to be in this opening scene? I wasn't able to place his age, and I think it would be good for the reader to know so we could better understand his actions and reactions to what is happening around him.
- In general, you seem to have avoided using contractions. I'm not sure if this was done on purpose (as there are still a few in there) - but if the story doesn't benefit from laving them out, I'd suggest that having them makes it easier to read
- There are a few instances where you have groups of short sentences, for example:
"Silence! That boy will someday become a man, a man that Garos will want. Garos is a threat. The King will not risk his kingdom. If that boy lives Garos will have another war and you will be responsible." Zahilla could see the shadow of the man from his past.
I believe that it would help the flow of the work if some of these sentences were grouped together:
"Garos is a threat, and the King will not risk his kingdom"
- Your spelling is good, but there is perhaps some room for improvement in punctuation. There are several instances where a comma could be used. One example:
"They will not find him Kriana." Mr. Nox said first.
In my opinion, this sentence would read better as follows:
Thank you for sharing this song/poem. I'm not quite sure if you had intended for it to rhyme in whole or in part, as it seem to rhyme in some places and not others.
I liked the first part well enough - it had some structure and I could actually picture someone singing it. After that, the verse length gets pretty chaotic, and the rhythm was erratic.
Overall, I would recommend having another look at the last half of the piece and aiming to re-structure it similar to the first half, to keep it somewhat consistent
I truly enjoyed reading this poem, it had a great rhythm and flow, especially at the beginning of the piece.
There are a couple of areas where I might suggest improvement.
First - the story the poem tells - it seemed to me it was simply a series of events, without much explanation of why things happen. Why did the buzzards attack the sparrow? How/why did Spring take her up the mountain, and how was making this journey getting vengeance on those who broke her wing?
The other suggestion I have is to consider trimming or modifying some words here and there to balance out some of the verses and improve the flow. For example, it might flow a bit better, and not affect the poem too much if the word "much" was removed from the following verse;
"They pecked and kicked until she was crimson with much despair"
Thank you for sharing this poem. I really enjoyed some of the lines ("Here is a journey through trouble and sadness
where memories and moments stay deep in our veins" is a great example), but on the whole I found it uneven, with no reliable rhythm or flow
Other verses have a nice sound or flow to them, but I felt that they could be improved by correcting the usage of some words used. For example, the first line:
"How can it be in this place that is nurture,
this place that is solace,
this place that sustains?"
"this place that is nurture" doesn't seem to work well. Perhaps you could consider "this place that nurtures" or something similar? The same applies to "this place that is solace" or "give soothe to your friend" elsewhere in the poem - the phrases as they are now simply don't make sense, at least in my admittedly limited understanding of the English language.
Anyways, I hope you found this review helpful. Keep on writing!
Hello, Just read your story - here are some opinions about it, I hope you find them useful.
Overall Impression 4/5
I was impressed by the quality of your work - I thought it was well thought out and coherent all the way through. I found the vocabulary and choice of words interesting, but I couldn't help but think that there were passages that didn't seem very organic. By that I mean if this was the character's inner monologue, some of the phrases didn't sound like something someone would say, even in their heads. An example:
"Mom was nonplussed by our insufficient appreciation and continued to direct us through the canvases and sculptures with hopes that a glimmer of light as to aesthetics would imbed itself in our formative minds"
Plot 3/5
While there was progression in the story, it never felt to me like there was a real purpose or focus to it.
Style and Voice 3/5
As mentioned above, some of the monologue didn't sound natural to me
Scene/Setting 4/5
The different scenes were well established.
Characters 4.5/5
I particularly liked how you described your mother, although I felt that only she was described in any detail, such that we got to know her. You might consider delving a bit deeper into the children mentioned at the start of the story, so that the reader feels more connected with throughout the piece, as they are the where the story eventually leads to.
Dialog: Not Rated
No dialog
Grammar and Mechanics 4.5/5
Didn't catch any major issues. I did have trouble finding the word "confoundment" in the dictionary, though...
In my opinion this was a great poem, superb flow and rhythm, it made me want to read it several times through. Nothing really bad to say about it - the only curious point I should mention is the rhyming of "chill" with "chill" in the second verse - it seems out of place when the rest of the words and rhymes chosen are so well suited. Oh, and it would also have been great if it would have been longer, so that there was more of it to enjoy :)
Really good poem - I liked the flow, and the wording and rhymes were quite good. The one thing I noticed is that I got a bit lost around the fourth verse. At the start of the poem, it was established that the outcome of the race would decide which horse would get the "Lady's treat" (which we later learned was to pull Diana's cart) - I was a bit confused when it was suddenly mentioned that Pegasus' herd was also at stake, as it was not implied anywhere else.
This was a very welcoming article, it made me feel better about recently choosing WDC as my writing website of choice, knowing that you enjoy it, and that the site has helped you out so much in your writing.
The tip about the search box seemed a bit of a no brainer to me personally, but I have no doubt that has served many people who are less computer literate.
I thought this story was quite well written, when it was finished I wanted to know what would happen next - if she was simply seeing things, or if something more sinister or supernatural was happening.
One small thing that you could consider, is mentioning the length of time she has been kept in the mental hospital. This could provide some context and give the reader an indication of how long she has been suffering in this place.
While I don't normally read teen drama (being a guy in his early 30's), I thought it would be interesting to give something different a try. In that frame of mind, I clicked on "Take it all"
Overall I found it quite easy to read, and I thought you did a good job of expressing the thoughts and fears that would be going through a pregnant teen's mind.
I thought the mother character seemed too angry for no real reason - perhaps it would be beneficial to the reader to provide some more back story on why she is so unhappy with Zoey (or lif in general, if that is the case)?
It sounds like you are planning to continue the story, and I'm sure that teen girls and other fans of the genre will enjoy it immensely. Good luck!
Hey,
Just read your story. It was quite different than most anything else I can recall reading, and an interesting experience.
Here are some thoughts about what I liked and didn’t like about it - I hope you find them useful.
Overall Impression: 3/5
The start of the story was a little disorienting for me, and I found it hard to get into. Some of the introduction almost seems extraneous, like it was there only to reinforce the science fiction setting
Plot: 4/5
If I interpreted the story correctly, it was written from the point of view of Satan - I thought that was an very interesting concept, and to combine it with a sci-fi setting was certainly unique
Style and Voice: 3/5
I thought that the tone of the story was somewhat inconsistent. Some of the descriptions are very detailed, while some are less so, eg. "I manipulated the stuff of her brain"
Scene/Setting: 3/5
While the sci-fi setting is an interesting twist on the story, I'm unsure if it actually added much.
Characters: Not Rated
Not sure how to rate the characters in this story, so I won't
Dialog: Not Rated
Not enough dialog to provide a rating
Grammar and Mechanics: 3/5
Overall quite good, but could use some further refinement. For example: "At the nexus of the multiverse we were beings of equality and unconflicted". The last word in this sentence doesn't fit.
Average 3.2/5
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/smokeym
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.14 seconds at 11:01pm on Nov 10, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
