One thing that really bothered me, and it might just be that I need glasses, is that your story was not double spaced. When a reader see's a big block of text, it sometimes overwhelms them. Again, it might just be me :))
There are a few grammatical mistakes, a few unneeded punctuations, and a few needed.
I'm intrigued. Are you going to write more? Please do, I'm interested in knowing what happened to his little sis.
Hello Kikinaynay! It's me again! I just love your stories and hope you keep on writing.... Below are a few sentence that I would brush up on.
First sentence, you say ( From my dad's house it is 1 hour and 30 minutes away.) Did you mean to say, ( From the hospital, my Dad's house is 1 hour and 30 minutes away.)? You would capatalize the "D" in "Dad" because thats the name your reffering him to.
I sat in the car and just thought about how my dad abused my mom when he was married to her. I think the "just" is unneccesary. ( I sat in the car and thought about how my Dad abused my mom when he was married to her) See, it's sounds normal without the "just." Watch out for excessive wording. For example ( My dad pulled out something silver looking from a drawer.) I would say (My dad pulled something silver looking from a drawer)
You seem to switch between past and present at times. In example, you write " I cried and text my mom" If you were writing in past, you would say/write " I cried and texted my mom." If you were writing in present you would write "I cry and text my mom."
Hey Ryan watcha up to?" Ryan asked. I think you meant to say "I asked."
This is really good, there are some unneccesary capitlzations, some needed periods and commas. Read it to yourself!
Hello! I've reviewed your previous chapter, and cannot wait until the third one comes out!!!! There are a few things I would fix though...
First of all, you just forgot one of the quotations marks in the first sentence for "yes" Second, you forgot some of the periods on the end of your sentences....
When Detective Derrick says.. "We do not know your daughter was there and called the police she won't tell us." This is a run on sentence. A run on sentence is a sentence that just goes on and on. I would write something like this.." We don't know. Your daughter was there when the accident happened. She called the police, but won't tell us what happened." I would change "Do not know" to "Don't know" because it makes the story flow better. And the next sentence down is also a run on sentence. It says " Anisa if you don't tell this man what happened I WILL ground you for 6 MONTHS TELL HIM!" For example, you could write..." Anisa, if you don't tell this man what happened I WILL ground you for 6 MONTHS! TELL HIM NOW!" And instead of saying "My mom yelled." I would use something more descriptive. Like "My mom threatened." Or "My mom yelled at the top of her lungs."
The next few sentences down there are more run on sentences. If you just read them aloud to yourself you'll probably find the mistakes. You can fix run on sentences by adding commas or splitting it into two sentences.
When you write. " I start crying because I could not say what happened all these flashbacks came into my head." You should probably add in a period beteween "I could not say what happened" and "All these flashbacks"
When you are describing the flash backs, and say "the police, Ryan on the floor all ran over and over in my head. It's kind of confusing. You should probably add something in between Ryan on the floor. In example. " The police, Ryan on the floor, they all ran over and over in my head.
Mrs. Robinson sits next to Anisa and says "Can you forgive me." She said and smiled. Since this is a question, you need to put in a question mark.
In the end, when the father is "kidnapping" Anisa, she yells at him "DAD PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME!" I yelled at him.
"SHUT UP! PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!" He yelled at me. You used the word yelled twice in a row. Try writing something like this.. "DAD PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME!" I screamed.
There are a few more mistakes, but like I said before, just read your story aloud and it'll be a lot easier to find the mistakes....
Hello, this is very interesting!
Only a few grammar mistakes that I would fix.
1) There are some letters that you forgot to capitalize. ( First one is the first sentences, you need to capitalize "i" There are a few others, but if you reread your story, you'll probably find them.
2) Just a small mistake, but it says " The boy with dirty blond hair sits almost opposite, taring outside the window." I think you just forgot the "S" which would make it "staring out the window."
Hey kikinaynay!
I like the idea of this story. But there are some mistakes...
For one, there are some commas where there should be periods. In example
"Just thirty minutes ago I was not being loving to my best friend, I close the bible before I started to cry." There should be a period between "my best friend" and "I close the bible.
Also, with all the quotation marks, the punctuation( like exclamation marks, commas and periods) go inside the quotation marks, not out.
Another thing, whenever someone new says something, or you change the subject, you start a new paragraph.
For example... "Mrs. Johnston can I come in"?" NO, YOU DID THIS TO HIM"! There are a few things I would brush up on these sentences...
Mrs. Johnston, can I come in?" I asked.
"NO, YOU DID THIS TO HIM!" she yelled and slammed the door in my face.
And if you double spaced the story, it would be easier to read.... I suggest reading your story outloud to your self. It helps you notice grammar mistakes.
These are just suggestions, you don't have to follow any of them...
Again, great job!!!
Hello! This is very good. Just a suggestion, but I think you use the word "beauty" to much.
Also, when you say. "The beauty in-front turns towards me, she actually leans towards the phone." I think you meant "The beauty in- front turns towards me, and she actually leans towards the phone"
I really enjoyed this short story! Keep writing!
Smiley 1456
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