Dr. Seuss has been put to shame! Part business cynicism, part humorous scientific ditty, the content of this poem works perfectly. The last two stanzas are my favourite - equal part ridiculous and reality. Perfectly blended humour.
My major complaint is the font used. Comic Sans is incredibly ugly and difficult to read. It should only be used by grandmothers forwarding boring emails to everyone on their contact list.
Another minor complaint is at times the nonsense gave way to reality. I loved the use of 'bumpershoots' - I just wish a similar sense of joviality had flown from start to finish.
It always feels strange to critique the content of a biographical piece, so I will concentrate on the technical craft of writing, rather than feelings towards the body of text.
While I like your use of rhetorical tools such as questions and the diary layout, your grammar, choice of words/phrases, and what appears to be unintentional oxymorons. First, grammar.
The first sentence should be split in two. 'Yay' is an exclamation and should be separate from the qualifier (e.g. "Yay! I made it..."). Your tenses seem to get warped at the end of the first paragraph. Is the nap in the future or the present? "I was there a short time the church" does not make any grammatical sense - you'll need to rework it. "best way to get it-Who do I talk to", depending on your style guide, there should be a space before and after the dash. Furthermore, it should be an em dash, rather than an en dash. "I see my pastoral friend Bob Southard and want to introduce him to someone and can’t find him" try not to use 'and' more than once a sentence. "[F]eel even proud that I don’t feel needy" the word 'even' in this context does not make sense.
Your choice of phrases often disrupts the flow of the piece. "I feel humble in all kind of ways" and "saw all manner of inroads" are both totally non-descriptive and too similar to repeat in such a short piece. Saying that the new leadership want "to implement different idea" makes it sound like you are being illogically disagreeable at first read. You may wish to consider a more fleshed out explanation.
After discussing marital issues, you call her your 'beloved'. This felt like an oxymoron to me. Plus, you discuss talking to someone, wanting to introduce them, and being distanced from people all in one go. Isn't that a contradiction?
In conclusion, your grammar, lexicon, and proofreading need work, but you do have some good stylistic technique.
I really enjoyed this piece! Lots of imagery that made me chuckle (and wince)! However, you seem to use more words than necessary.
Take this sentence: " I picked the coldest afternoon in a week of warm weather and walked from my apartment up to my local Wal-Mart, a walk of a little less than a mile and a half, and I was feeling quite good as I walked through the door." You used the verb "to walk" three times.
Furthermore, when you discuss the idiom; "It's just like riding a bike", you do not need to add a qualifier about not forgetting - that's the point of idioms! However, I do feel some idioms turned to cliche in your work, such as "before a month of Sundays passes".
On a grammatical note, when using 'i.e.' or 'e.g.' within a complex sentence (i.e. one with two or more clauses), it is worth separating it out in a more clear manner with either a pair of parentheses or hyphens.
The technical aspect of your writing let you down rather than the content itself.
Thanks for the fun little poem - really summed up my winter weekend feeling (only a few more months to go)! However, I have a few points of difficulty.
The last line of the second stanza feels constricted by construction. I would look to word this more naturally as it feels like writing. A good example of where you break with what appears to be your structure for a more natural rhythm is the last stanza.
My only other gripe is with the last line of the last stanza. You use "that" twice in three words. The word "that" and repetition in a short space are both pet-peeves of mine.
I really enjoyed this short poem. Very simple with some great imagery (e.g. the "sighing" fountain). However, my main critisism is in your layout. It makes it very difficult to read when your full-stops and captialised letters are scattered and inconsistent. For example, you start "Forever" with a capital, but "Silence" (which I realise is meant to be capitalised) doesn't have a full-stop after it. This makes reading slightly awkward.
After reading several poorly written stories, I thought this night was lost to the illiterate. Thank you for saving my mind. This is the start of a well thought out and interesting story. I want to know what happens next (and previously). However, there are a few issues.
Sometimes it's hard to understand who (or what) you're talking about. It's tricky when a god is a character, but it could be made clearer. Some of your imagery doesn't make sense. A manhood the size of a pimple? Lastly, you mix up your apostrophe use frequently. It should be "whores" and "servants" as you're not talking in the possessive or using a contraction, but referring to them as plurals.
Other than that, great story. (NB: I try to mark harshly as reviews these days have become lame. People see 3 as meaning the worst thing in the world and give out too many perfect scores. A 3.5 is a 7/10 which is a good rating. Please don't take offence.)
Haha VERY witty! I enjoyed both short "jingles" a lot.
Bad Points: Both jingles are a little too short, there is so much you can potentially do here. The "YAY" at the end of "Jingle Hell" seems unnecessarily provocative.
Good Points: Both jingles are pretty funny. As I know someone with A.D.D I can laugh at "Rudolph the A.D.D. Reindeer" and "Jingle Hell" (though it took me a while to match the rhythm with "Jingle Bells") is random, causing it to be ammusing.
This is an interesting poem, but, verily, I did not find myself enjoying it. This was for a variety of reasons.
Bad Points: The flow felt off. This is due to grammar being scattered throughout this poem as if it would fertalise the words. The first line shouldn't end in a question mark, the sentance carries on. The second line shouldn;t be broken with a comma (try saying it with a beat breaking it up for no reason), and same again with the last line on the first stanza. The commas in the second stanza make no sense either. Furthermore, the scattering of rhymes just make me think "What's going on? It rhymes too frequently to be coincidence and too infrequantly and randomly to have a scheme." I also did not feel that it ended well. It feels as if there is more to be said.
Good Points: There where no spelling mistakes that I could detect (though, that said, I am terrible at spelling) and the story behind the poem was different from other poems. I also liked the opening line (minus the question mark) and felt that this could become a great piece, with a little work.
Overall: keep editing and polishing it off. It could turn out great!
Thanks for the read,
Sam
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/smarklew
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 8:46pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
