Very nice. I was thoroughly entertained by this short story. I was not expecting a humorous piece when I clicked on this one.
What I liked:
The concept is great. The idea that this warrior who has trained and planned for years only to be struck down in a matter of seconds...well, it is sad yet like Iznik I can't help but giggle either.
Some suggestions:
I'd love to see you add some more description to the Temple of Oaths as well as Thenrigaul. Tell me why the Temple is is intimidating. You describe it briefly, but are there gargoyles, foreboding spires, or heads on pikes surrounding the building? I think if you could drag the reader into the detail a little more before springing Thenrigaul's ending on them it would go a long way to making this an even better piece.
This is easily one of the best examples of this genre that I have ever read on Writing.com. It can be difficult to convey such gritty and raw descriptions in rhyming prose without making it sound forced, but you were able to do it, and you did it well.
The good:
The pacing of this piece is wonderful. The frantic tone matches the urgency of the underlying story. I found myself reading faster as I got near the end, as though I too was running from this hell that you describe - I had to go back and very deliberately read it again to make sure that I didn't miss anything when I picked up the pace.
My suggestions:
Again, overall this piece is absolutely excellent, but there was one part that I felt could use a little tweaking:
"I awake to feel the pain between
my legs and heart; inside I scream.
I am lost, it is worse,
my mind moves fast across the universe."
The "it is worse" part feels like it was included just to make the rhyme work. It feels like a fragment that is not attached to anything else, and for a piece that otherwise flows so well, that fragment really stands out. I hate to make wording suggestions when it comes to poetry, but in keeping with the desperate tone of your piece, it strikes me that the word "curse" rhymes with "universe" just as nicely, and it conveys so much more than simply saying "it is worse."
Again, that little piece of criticism is very small in light of an extremely well written piece. I am counting this among my favorite works on Writing.com
<b>What I liked:</b>
Great use of descriptive words. You really paint a picture with this story, especially in the beginning when you describe the natural setting. I could just picture the daffodils by the riverside.
<b>What needs work:</b>
You tend to overuse commas, which is actually a very common mistake. There are a number of superfluous commas in this piece, for example:
<i>Its beauty went unscathed, as the seasons would change.</i> I don't think you need that comma at all. One way to prevent the overuse of commas is to read your piece out loud and put an exaggerated pause wherever you see a comma. If the pause seems inappropriate, check your comma usage.
<b>My overall impression</b>:
A good effort. I'd like to read more, and I'd love to know about Nell.
What I liked about this piece:
The honest, heartfelt emotion. I had tears in my eyes at the end - no exaggeration there. Well done.
A technical note or two:
Overall this piece is very clean from a technical standpoint. My only suggestion is with respect to this sentence: One Friday night in March, my husband Walter, and I called Jeff to see if he was available to meet us at a restaurant for breakfast the next morning.. I think you have an extra comma in there after "Walter." I have a tendency to overuse commas myself, and I find it helpful to read my work out loud and place a deliberate pause after each comma. If the pause sounds strange, then the comma might be unnecessary. I think you may find that is the case with this sentence.
My overall impressions:
Again, a job well done. You convey such a wide range of emotion in this simple piece - the excitement of telling Jeff about his new car, the disappointment of a bad day at work, the love for your family. Bravo!
I'm adding your portfolio to my favorites, by the way, so I can come back and read more later!
Very nice. I'm not usually a fan of poetry, but I think you've done a nice job with this one.
What I like about this piece:
You use clear, simple ideas to convey a clear and simple meaning. When writing poetry it is so easy to fall into the trap of forcing an obscure or cumbersome word into a stanza just get a rhyme or rhythym to work, but I see none of that here. The language is very clear and the cadence feels very natural.
Suggestions, comments, etc.:{}
I don't have any comments on how you could improve this piece. I think it is very concise and well-written.
My overall impressions:
This is a very nicely done piece. I enjoyed reading it.
What I liked about this piece:
These are excellent observations of our funny language, and you tell them in such a humorous way. This is really well done.
Technical notes:
I don't see any technical problems or issues in this piece at all. The "vegetarian" section seems a tiny bit straind, but that is the only nitpick I have about this piece.
My overall impression:
Well written, well done. I can't wait to read more of your work!
A good start. I look forward to reading more of this as the story develops.
What I really liked about this piece:
You do a nice job of giving each character personality. The interaction between Fenten and Will is particularly good. Their dialogue is realistic and it says a lot about the nature of their relationship.
Technical issues, or points that I think could use some improvement.
I only noticed one spelling error, and that was the word "ligtening" in the third paragraph.
A good number of the sentences are written in the passive voice when they do not need to be. Passive voice writing is easy to fall into, and sometimes it is hard to recognize unless you are really trying to seek it out and eliminate it from your writing. I will give you an example from this piece. He could barely see his father’s face in the dim light, provided only by their candles.... I think this sentence would be more effective if written in an active voice, such as Their candles dimly lit the room, and he could barely see his father's face in their flickering light. I hope that example illustrates what I mean by passive vs. active voice.
My overall impressions:
A nice piece of work. I'd like to see more of this story as it is written - the characters are compelling and interesting.
I'm a sucker for any story told from an unusual point of view, and this is an excellent example of how that can be done well and with humor.
Technical issues:
Overall, the piece is very smooth; it flows nicely. There are no apparent spelling errors, although I would note that in the phrase Well, foods on, and here comes the family , I think you mean to say "food's on," (apostrophe s) as in "the food is on."
My favorite moment:
I loved this part - Kids like me because of my bright color and sweet taste. Seniors like me because I’ve already been chewed. And parents like me because I’m probably the easiest thing to fix on Thanksgiving. . Very funny stuff.
My overall impression:
My overall thought on this piece is that I can't wait to finish writing this review so that I can take a look at the rest of your work. Great job!
Woah! Excellent ending! You incorporated those prompts into the story seamlessly. This was very enjoyable to read.
I particularly liked how you tied in Martin's mother's admonition that "money doesn't grow on trees."
I also like how you used to perspective of the dog out in the street to convey the ending. The only thing that might make that a bit more effective is if the dog made an appearance earlier in the story. Not an important appearance, but more of a cameo. Perhaps Martin notices a stray dog while out on one of his walks. Even without that sort of a touch I think the ending is really a neat one.
Excellent dialogue throughout the piece. I actually mentally assigned Whitey and Shrimp distinct voices as I was reading this, and I could really hear them having this conversation. Realistic dialogue - especially dialogue which really conveys such a vivid image of the speaker - is difficult to do well, but I think you've really mastered it in this piece.
I see nothing to comment on from a technical standpoint. This is very well done.
Personally, I would have liked more closure at the end, but that's just me...it in no way detracts from your writing.
This is a good early effort, and I really like the sentiment that you convey in this piece. The concept of life as a bulletin board is an interesting one.
On the technical side, I notice some confusion with the word "there." Many people confuse "there," "their" and "they're" since our great English language has given us these three words that sound exactly alike but mean totally different things. When you say "there daughter's birthday party," you really want to use "their." This "their" is a possessivve pronoun. So if you want to say that "x" belongs to them, you say it is "their x."
I hope that helps you a bit. There are some great resources on the Internet that do a much better job of explaining the "they're/their/there" conundrum than I just did.
Aside from a few grammatical irrgularities, I did enjoy this piece. Keep on writing!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sliceablekitty
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 8:32pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
