The quality of the writing was quite good, but this first chapter seemed to be more of a description of the house than anything else. I found myself skimming the first paragraph as the description of the house became tedious to read. I figured I'd go back and re-read it if it was somehow pertinent to the rest of the story. I was a bit disappointed that the rest of the chapter was much of the same.
There were barely enough hints of something more interesting coming for me to want to continue reading. I guess I'll take a peek at chapter two.
While I don't believe that the first chapter has to be action packed, I do think you need a bit more substance to intrigue your reader.
The writing was good and the story was interesting, but I never felt much emotion for the main character. I actually felt more for the little girl than I did for him. I think the reason for this is that you showed her pain while only told of his.
The only issue I have with the story, and It's a minor issue, is that at times the language seemed too flowery. I realize that you were doing it for effect, but it was done to the point that I noticed it. When the reader notices it, it distracts from the story. I feel that causal conversational style can be just as effective, if not more so.
It was a good story. You did a good job of developing it within the word count. The main problem I see with your writing is a tendency to make sentences too long. You need to break them up so they aren't as awkward. You don't do this often. Only when you are trying to be descriptive. For example:
The wood on the fire burned in the open field making sharp pops and cracks in the air, as long licks of its flame both lit the terrain, while fanning the early night sky above in its warmth.
It would sound better as two sentences.
The wood on the fire burned in the open field making sharp pops and cracks in the air. It's long licks of its flame both lit the terrain, while fanning the early night sky above in its warmth.
Another sentence that should be split up.
But today he learned its disadvantage as the rope did not release him and his leg was broken when he fell towed by the calf to the side.
Fix
But today he learned its disadvantage as the rope did not release him. His leg was broken when he fell, and was towed by the calf to the side.
One other minor thing to note. You have a punctuation problem throughout the story.
Example:
“Just do what you gotta do Old man.” replied the young man.
The period after 'man' should be a comma.
“Just do what you gotta do Old man,” replied the young man.
For the most part the writing was very good. Keep writing!
It was an entertaining little story, but I felt it was a bit underdeveloped. I realize that it had a word limit, but the idea was almost too big for the number of words.
The quality of the writing was quite good except for the punctuation. There were several commas where they weren't needed. Actually, the first sentence was a mess. There were no commas needed.
The Nezuar came when the earth, was in ruins, a collapsed civilization, struggling to rebuild and survive.
-Fix
-The Nezuar came when the earth was in ruins - a collapsed civilization struggling to rebuild and survive.
It's not a big deal, but anything that distracts the reader will lessen the impact of your story. There are many websites that will explain the proper use of punctuation. I suggest you check them out.
While personifying the planets is nothing new, this story definitely had a unique flavor to it. I found it humorous and witty, and overall an enjoyable read.
It was well written, but one sentence stood out as being particularly awkward:
"I imagine they'd be squishy in a nice, teddy bear way, they'd have nice, warm and soft fur that would tickle us all when we touched them."
Maybe something like this would be better:
-I imagine that they'd be squishy and nice, kind of like a teddy bear. They'd have nice fur that is warm and soft, and it would tickle us when we touched them.
While I enjoyed this story, I wasn't really thrilled with it. After the first couple chapters I almost quit reading. The first meeting between John and Carolyn seemed forced and awkward, the parts about their early relationship weren't much better. I understand the main point was to show that John wasn't very tech savvy, but I think the story would have been better if it had started just after they got together. Either that or add another chapter or two to develop their relationship a little more.
The story didn't really get interesting until chapter 4. Not only was it interesting, but it felt like the writing improved. Either that or I was interested enough to ignore any awkward sentenced (which I wasn't for the first three chapters.) There was nothing really bad about the writing, but it could use a little polish. I would suggest reading it aloud, or getting software that will read it to you. I find that helps me.
I wasn't sure how this story would end until I read about the brain implants. Then I knew it was going to end badly, but that's not really a horrible thing. I was surprised that it was a virus that did them in.
One other thought about the story. I found it hard to believe that a computer virus could do that much damage. I could see the internet going down, but the entire electric and communications grid seemed a bit much. I would have tried to find a more plausible reason. It detracted a little, but not too much because it was still interesting.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/slez
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 12:39pm on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
