Been ages since I’ve reviewed something. It felt good to get back in the game, I knocked some of that rust off thanks to you. Still, I see myself having some problems with trying to format my thoughts, so bear with me.
Non-spoiler Thoughts
I enjoyed this work a lot. You did a great job at introducing Vern without feeling it necessary to give a long description the moment he was introduced. You took your time, only giving the reader a slither here and there of his form and presence.
He and Bell have an interesting relationship that’s a bit more frank than I would have imagined. When she asked him why he made his presence clear to her, I enjoyed that his answer upset her. The whole “imaginary friend” trope tends to be more about the paranormal being getting resentful or envious, a fear of replacement. Vern doesn’t follow this direction and that gives for a much better relationship that feels more personal.
Typos/Suggestions/Specifics
A harmless game, they shrugged. She’s at the age where creativity kicks into overdrive, endless dreams and possibilities stretching out beyond those chubby fingers. My parents agreed with the other grownups, towering above me as I played in the sand.--Great way of implicating. I've always had difficulty writing in first person and stating (without "stating") that the main character is female.
“Atta girl(,)” He grinned toothily, maroon eyes shining brightly.--Switch out the comma for a period. The verb isn't indicating how he's saying something, so you should keep the H capatilized. I know you know this, but you'd be amazed how many people don't.
From what he told me(;) many students were too scared to attend class with a freak like me.--You probably want to use a comma to break that up. Unfortunately, I'm not the best when it comes to the rules of the comma. However, it certainly can't be a semicolon. Semicolons have to have a full sentence before and after the semi's use. Took forever to get that beaten into me. I've heard it called a "soft period."
Upon further thought, your first part might technically be a full sentence, but it feels wonky to me. Like always, just go with what feels right.
Kids daring to mock my strange habits or outlandish appearance found themselves at the mercy of an invisible assailant. Milk soured the moment they drank it, books would fly off desks, insects infested backpacks, foul stenches followed them, and much more until the victim finally burst into tears and apologized to me.--I have no problems with this quick glance; I think it names enough specifics to give the reader a sense of how bad things can get. But if you're planning on making this a larger work, I would recommend that you remember this part and see if maybe revisiting it in a later chunk, a specific instance, could benefit the story. I know you're not keen on flashbacks, but give it some thought.
Squealing with laughter, I rolled around holding my sides. “We’ve been there lots of times!” He rasped a chuckle at my antics. “That we have. But there’s a big difference between visiting family and moving in next door.”--The dialogue does indicate who is saying what, but this did confuse me at first. Consider breaking it up for easier indication.
Squealing with laughter, I rolled around holding my sides. "We've been there lots of times!"
He rasped a chuckle at my antics. "That we have. But there's a big difference between visiting family and moving in next door."
At the tender age of twelve, I was thrashing to death metal and pronouncing myself an atheist.--I don't find this impossible, but you'd think with her having a demon she seems to completely believe is more than a made-up friend that she would believe in something. Or is this more of a simple title she threw around?
When I hit sixteen, I discovered that everyone was assigned a guardian angel at birth. “They don’t normally appear unless it’s life or death. Sometimes to help make a moral decision but usually, it’s a last resort type relationship.”--Is Vern telling the main character this or is she thinking it out loud?
From the broken dock, we watched dark waves lap over the cracked wooden remnants, splashing over lichen and barnacles. This deserted island was one of our favorite places to talk. No sirens, no angry shouts, no choking exhaust, nothing to disturb us but the mournful cries of seagulls and the hissing ocean crashing over sand.
The cold wind sent freezing hands burrowing into warm hoodie pockets. I shivered as the gust whipped past, salt stinging my eyes. Vern shifted to block the current, forked tail waving gently in the fishy breeze as he lay on an unseen couch. --Beautiful imagery. This uses sight, sound, and touch. The use of salt would also make the argument that she's smelling it, thus adding the sense of smell.
Vern pulled a glass of amber liquid from thin air, ice cubes tinkling against the glass. He slurped it, sighing contentedly. “I tell you, the best drink you humans ever made was the Long Island.” I rolled my eyes and pulled my knees closer for warmth. “Everyone gets an angel and I get a drunk imp.” --I actually thought that Long Islands were blue! Had to Google it to make certain. I might have drunk some fancy version or something. Still, you should break this up between the dialogues to make it easier on the eyes.
I looked back at the paper and grinned (evilly).--Adverbs are a slippery slope. It would be dishonest of me to claim that I don't use them, but I think this story might be a little on the edge of relying a little too much on them. At this point in the story, we're pretty accustomed to Bell's sadistic nature. I don't think I need evilly here to fortify how I'm supposed to perceive her. Always consider if an adverb helps or hurts the point of the sentence.
Wings flapped (helplessly) as he struggled to sit upright.--This is a much more expressive use of an adverb. It fills in a blank. I can imagine the more complex movement, the humor making it difficult for him to control his own body.
I turned on my heel and left him to sober up, blood rushing to my indignant cheeks. Damn imp had some nerve. It was the first time he’d straight up laughed in my face. My mind roiled, seething with things I wanted to call him, conjuring up petty acts of revenge for being the butt of a joke. I never considered that Vern might have had his reasons.
(Maybe he had some part in it, or it was just dumb luck.) August and I signed up for the track team, ready to try out for the various events. Unfortunately, they split us up to do laps. I was running with the girls and slyly sneaking looks at him whenever I could. His body was lean but fit. Clearly, he was in his element running - even the coaches seemed to think so. A budding star of track and field. --The first sentence of the second paragraph doesn't fit for me. There's a scene change here. Personally, instead of adding that sentence to the first paragraph, I would make it its own sentence between the two to draw the reader's attention to it.
Several long minutes passed until he (imploded) back into existence.--Wouldn't explode seem more appropriate? To implode is to crush inwards. At least I think so. Explode also seems a bit too violent?
I was ready to tell him EXACTLY what parts I wanted until he continued. “August ain’t his full name. It’s Augustine, after the saint. And his necklace is a scapular, which Catholics wear in case of sudden death so their souls get the fast pass to heaven.” (I opened my mouth, but he held up a claw.)--Turn this into its own paragraph for dramatic effect. Also, you're briefly switching back to her, it would work much better if only for that reason.
I refused to accept this. It was unimaginable to think the dry and cynical boy I knew was a Bible thumper. August acted so… so normal. But the signs were there. He never swore, never wore a shirt without a collar, didn’t watch a lot of TV... I ignored those nagging thoughts. Vern was just trying to scare me off, that was it.--This is really good. It made me think back to August's dialogue and revealed that I was invested in the character.
Thoughts with Spoilers
You did well. As an opener, seems you tackled both your main character’s beginning as well as the inciting incident that kicks the overarching plot into motion.
Vern’s, Bell’s, and August’s dialogue feel unique enough to be able to tell each character apart. Admittedly, when August is first introduced, Vern disappears for a short while. The fact that Bell said that they never fought for long periods of time feels contradictory since the “shoplifting” scene is right before August’s introduction, making it feel more like Vern and Bell are taking a break.
Again, August’s dialogue IS good. Though, once his arch gets moving, he seems to disappear. I would be more critical if this wasn’t the first part of a larger story.
The final reveal is lost on me, but I know it’s from my lack of knowledge of what you’re tapping into. It was executed exceptionally well and I’m very interested in continuing to find out what happens next.
Great work! |
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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