The introduction is great, but becomes convoluted; 'But slowly the cheery customers depart; the comforting lights begin to dim' this is confusing. It doesn't make sense that the POV changes mid-paragraph either. What starts as a personal narritve suddenly becomes a narrative for the reader. It doesn't fit the instigating style. It would be prudent for the buttery scent to tickle your nose as opposed to the nose, because 'the nose' is the author's, not the reader's nose. One thing that stands out is the imagery, its great; however, 'floating chillingly' needs revision, 'floats chillingly' might work better, but the over use of adverbs in that paragraphs introduction does not carry the meter of the first paragraph. I would appreciate your criticism of my own work.
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